Bricklayer's (verbatim) report (True!!!)

Doc

This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which
was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of
the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this
bloke died, he'd have received a Darwin Award without question...

Dear Sir

“I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level,
I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks
into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly
to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck
began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however,
as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back
down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

Paranoid Android

The Irish Version

The Sick Note,
As sung by the dubliners

Dear sir
I write this note to you to tell you of me plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the 14th floor some bricks I had to clear
Now to throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased he being an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladder in me hod

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

So when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
Well I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down

Well the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
Well I clung on tight though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks 14 floors below

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round.

Well I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst
When the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
Well a shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there moaning on the ground, I let go the bloody rope

The barrel then being heavier it started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
Well it broke 3 ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

smoke.me.a.kipper

one word: lol.

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<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one"</font>