first chapter?

reality

She ran so fast her surroundings became blurred. Her legs ached persistently. She could hear them in the distance, shouting, screaming, calling her name, telling her the child must die – her child must die. How could they do this to her? Bastards. Her own family, hunting her down to murder her child, for the Gods’ sakes, her own husband ran with them – all because of some senile old woman’s demented ramblings!
Clutching her writhing bundle closer to her chest she picked up speed, mustering every last ounce of her strength. She was sorely tired, but her love for her son fuelled her strides – she was determined to save him. “After all,” she whispered, “I’m everything he’s got.” Her confidence of escape sounded false even in her head – there were so many of them, and some even had horses.
She stayed running for what felt like an eternity; zigzagging across the dark rugged landscape, trying to escape the noise of her pursuers – eventually, it became quiet. Still she stumbled and faltered on for as long as she possibly could before slumping against a wall. Just a short rest, she told herself, then onwards to find a safe haven. Within three minutes she fell into a deep sleep. When she woke her baby was gone.
Not quite knowing what to do she just sat there for some time. Her son – gone, her – homeless without family to turn to. She began sobbing without restraint, and was only interrupted by the sound of deep throaty growling. She wiped her eyes and looked up. The metallic scent of her bloody feet had attracted wolves. She counted three, but suspected more were lingering just feet away, consumed by darkness. She didn’t run this time, she made no move to defend herself – why should she? They had taken her child; she had failed him as a mother. As the hungry, foul smelling beasts closed in, Ramelia stood up, wondering what course of action would make for the quickest death.

David had been out counting his father’s flock when he saw her. He approached cautiously. She looked like a beggar at first glance dirty, bare foot, and battered but then he realised that under the thick layer of mud she wore fine clothes, brightly coloured and woven in silk. He called her softly but she didn’t reply. Afraid of what diseases she might be carrying, he nudged her gently with the toe of his boot but got no acknowledgement. Feeling braver, he crouched by her side and shook her – still no response. Dead.
David was backing away when a noise startled him – a baby? He paused – what to do? Leave it to die, or face his father’s fury if he returned with another mouth to feed? David was a kind boy and decided to take the baby under his wing. Sure, he was only eleven, but he could hide it in the barn and smuggle in food – couldn’t he?
Walking the four miles back to his home, he decided on a plan. The child could stay in their barn over night and just before dawn, David would sneak out and place him on the front doorstep, then he would feign surprise when his mother magically discovered it. Genius.
The next morning David crept out to the barn. He gave the baby some milk and mushed up bread, gave a fair attempt at changing its dirty diaper, and redressed him. His clothes were simple but clean – the same couldn’t be said for his blanket, which was badly ripped and soiled, so David stuffed it between two rafters for future disposal. Walking to the front door David silently hoped that his family would accept the child into the house.

Shad0r

If "I want to read more" had been an option in the poll I would have ticked that.

In relation to what you've already written, I would say you should beef out the description a bit. The break neck speed at which things are happening is good for keeping pages turning but in the case of a book I think you need to invest more time in hooking your readers imagination into the story which (IMHO of course) means that you need to give them a clearer mental picture of your setting and your characters.

BEAT

does it need serious improvement?

its good for a start, it has me wanting to read more anyway
gwan then and post some more

MojoMaker

Good stuff. Another American contributor, welcome!

A few points, if you allow to make them.

1. Ramelia has run for ages hoping to distance herself from her less than benign pursuers, she arrives at a wall and decides to take a breather (perfectly in keeping with the sense of the chase) - however within minutes she falls into a deep sleep? Come on...when you're knackered after extreme physical exertion and the associated infusion of adrenaline a chase provides, the last thing you do is fall asleep - unless of course you're a narcoleptic, in which case she would have fallen asleep before your story started.

2. Wolves that were just "feet away", even in darkness, would not be unnoticed by a hypersensitive fugitive. I'd at least change this to yards, or for an injection of olde worlde authenticity, paces...

3. Just because David nudges her and ostensibly gets no response it is a large assumption on behalf of the simple shepherd that the (unconscious?) courtesan is in fact dead. A more rigorous examination might be called for here, however self defeating that may be. Perhaps she is wounded by the wolves? David should be seen to go further than merely poking her with the end of his boot or shaking her to determine mortality.

4. If the wolves did indeed kill poor Ramelia why did they not also consume the delicate appetiser a newborn would surely represent? Was she lying across him? In which case did David have to move the body (draw the tension out) to uncover the infant? This would imply yet closer examination of Ramelia. Tie it in.

5. Mushed up bread. This is a childish image, not in the sense that it refers to a child but that it is conceived by a child. I'd suggest a more appropriate adult term to substitute here instead. Crushed? Mashed? Crumbed? Sodden?

6. "His clothes were simple but clean – the same couldn’t be said for his blanket, which was badly ripped and soiled, so David stuffed it between two rafters for future disposal. Walking to the front door David silently hoped that his family would accept the child into the house".

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"His clothes were simple yet clean. The same could not be said for the infant's blanket which was badly ripped and soiled. David stuffed it between two rafters and walked to the front door silently hoping his family would accept the child into the house".

Your sentences should always run together to create or imply movement on the part of the reader. Continuity is critical in prose and the best writers often take a reader through a story as if the author was present recanting it in person. The golden rule is "less work by the reader = more enjoyable experience". Write actively rather than passively and you will be surprised at the results.

I really liked this piece and I too await the next instalment!

funky penguin

does it need serious improvement?

MojoMaker wrote:

4. If the wolves did indeed kill poor Ramelia why did they not also consume the delicate appetiser a newborn would surely represent? Was she lying across him? In which case did David have to move the body (draw the tension out) to uncover the infant? This would imply yet closer examination of Ramelia. Tie it in.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did David not find the baby before the wolves attacked?