Starting Again....

LegacyUser

Ok, well here's the background;
I'm in my twenties, but for several years i have sufferd depression and have generally been unhappy in my life. I used to have plenty of friends when i was younger (in school), but since i left, i've fallen out with a lot of friends, mainly because i was fighting so hard against my depression, friends didn't understand how misreable i was and took the piss. I also used to drink myself silly when i went out, so i lost a lot of friends that way too. My confidence is rock bottom, i'm no longer able to approache girls, and when i'm around people i don't know i'm very self-concious, and i've been hurt/betrayed by so many people in the past (somtimes because i was a prick...other times because they're just evil).
It's gotten to the stage now where i dont have a single friend in the world...i never get called/texts at the weekend, my sleep is messed up making it difficult to hold down a job, and i've dropped out of college...my life is a mess, and i'm so ashamed infront of my familly for how i've become such a loser.
I pretty much stay at home all day on the internet or watching TV, i rarely even go out anymore, and i havn't been out with friends for months.
People who don't suffer from depression don't understand how crippling it can be, and anyone who finds out about it have such a stigma attached to it, that even when i do have friends i cant talk to them about it.
But anyway, i have decided to get my life back on track...and i want to start again. I considerd leaving the country, just going somewhere new and starting again, but i have decided i want to go back to college and stay here (it dosen't start for another six months or so)....but now that i'm starting again, i don't know how to go about it. I've tried finding friends on websites....but that dosen't really work, and im pinning so much hope on making friends when i go back to college, that if it fails, im afraid it'll finally crush me...the reason i dropped out of my last college was issues with friends (stupid i know).

Sorry this message is kind of all over the place, but so are my thoughts right now....could people help advise me how to find friends, because that's the key to my happiness...i've thought about clubs etc., but i don't know if you could make close friends, because that's what im looking for....close friends, that i can hang around with, go out with, talk and text. Not somewhere everyone breezes in and out once a week, but no-one really hangs out.
Thank you SO much for reading this....Please help me, anything will help!

Needs_Advice

Needs_Advice wrote:

My confidence is rock bottom, i'm no longer able to approache girls, and when i'm around people i don't know i'm very self-concious, and i've been hurt/betrayed by so many people in the past (somtimes because i was a prick...other times because they're just evil).
It's gotten to the stage now where i dont have a single friend in the world...i never get called/texts at the weekend, my sleep is messed up making it difficult to hold down a job, and i've dropped out of college...my life is a mess, and i'm so ashamed infront of my familly for how i've become such a loser.
I pretty much stay at home all day on the internet or watching TV, i rarely even go out anymore, and i havn't been out with friends for months.

I empathise with you mate, I was in a similar situation up to very recently, although I had very few friends in school to start with. I'm on the road to recovery now, but not all the way there just yet. I'll share some of my experiences with you in the hope that it may help you. I'm 20 by the way.

First of all, I never went to college because of the way I was treated in school, I ignored the advice that "its different to secondary school." I tend to stay away from people out of fear that I'll be treated like muck again. The only phone calls I usually get are from my boss and my 3 real friends. I used to get up very late in the day and stay up until about 5am, spending most of the "day" online. There were even some days where I didn't go to bed at all, I stayed up for two days straight on one occasion, something I'll never do again.
The thing that slapped some sense in to me was when I started working full time. It wore me out enough to make me feel tired and long for some sleep. I love the job, which helps out a lot too. I'm hoping that now I'm getting some decent cash that I might be able to improve my life a little.

My confidence is still relatively low, if you search here you'll find a thread on that... Its something I still need to work on, but I think I'm getting there slowly. Trying to muster up the guts to ask a girl out at the moment so I'll need to feel more confident - women know when you have doubts about yourself or them.

Needs_Advice wrote:

I've tried finding friends on websites....but that dosen't really work

Agreed - been there, done that. I got chatting to a 13 year old girl back in 2000 and was convinced that she was perfect, but that was all in my head - she had nothing in common with me, lol. Also, I met an 18 year-old girl from Shannon 1½ years ago and it was an absolute disaster - she just used me (the amount of flippin' credit I used texting her). With the internet you can often build up a fantasy in your head that probably isn't true.

Needs_Advice wrote:

could people help advise me how to find friends, because that's the key to my happiness...i've thought about clubs etc., but i don't know if you could make close friends, because that's what im looking for....close friends, that i can hang around with, go out with, talk and text.

I'm looking for this too, but clubs aren't a good idea for that. Maybe if you want a one night stand to boost your confidence, lol, but otherwise no. In my opinion people in clubs are either (a) too p***ed out of their skulls to have a proper conversation with you, (b) looking for no-strings sex or (c) on ecstasy, which happened to me the first time I went to a club with high hopes (I didn't take it, she did).

A lot to go through there, but maybe it might help you in some way. I know most of it is just me rambling on but it might help you see that you're certainly not alone. Basically, it was getting the job that started to get me back on track.

Etain

Have you ever gotten treatment for depression? It is very serious. Don't try to"just deal with it" on your own, see a doctor. Please make that the first step you take in making a new start.

Shabadu

Why don't you take some evening/weekend courses before going back to college? There are some really great wine tasting classes that are brilliant fun, there's a spoken Italian one starting in a while in the city centre as well.

Maybe you should try to build up your confidence approaching people in a class like this before hitting college? It'll be less fraught; you'll only be in a class with thise people for a few weeks and it'll be a less formal enviroment.

Best of luck.

MojoMaker

Not a bad idea but just remember that the people on a private hobby/course like that are likely to be a little older and a good deal less 'angsty' than your average 18-21yr old out to impress on a college undergraduate course.

kasintahan

Needs_Advice wrote:

Not somewhere everyone breezes in and out once a week, but no-one really hangs out.

I only meet my friends once or twice a week.
I meet my best friend once every 2-3 weeks on average.

Sounds like you want a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Rossonero

I'm in a similar situation. I suffer from depression. I dropped out of college twice and I'm falling behind terribly in my third, I've missed loads and to be honest, I'm past the point of return. I too feel guilty in front of my family because they've helped me alot ( incl. some funding for my college expenses) I'm waisting their effort it seems.

As for friends issue, I'm too myself at college, but have some friends at home. It's easy to say this, just introduce yourself to people at college and let yourself go. You'd be suprised of how many people are just as uneasy about it as you are. Having said that, I never did that and i regret it.

As for a really close friend, you'll find one through trial and error.Or Maybe, you'll have a feeling of who would be a close friend when you see them? For instance what happened to me;
I started working and there was this girl working in one of the lines close by. She was a bit older than me 7yrs +. I've never had the confidence to start talking to girls and still don't, but this was an exeption. At first I thought she wouldn't be interested in being friends or more with a waister like me. But,for some reason I had this feeling that I had to get to know her, and I started to talk to her. I never looked back. It was around 8 months ago. We get along so great, and are so so close. We've loads in common.

Having such a close friend helps, but in some ways it makes things worse. I don't get to meet up with her for weeks in between. It is so frustrating and stressful. With my depression, I start thinking; this is just a dream, it's not going to happen, why isn't she texting, see she doesn't like me, does she like me? Now I've started smoking as I'm so stressed. But that's just my unique response to things like that.

They say if you go out drinking on your own, it's the first sign of alcoholism, but IMO that's bull****. I often do it, and get to meet some really interesting people.

One thing that really helped me (didn't totally cure me, but helped me unequivelently) was travelling abroad on my own. Places like France and Croatia. I met loads of people, whom I could have kept in contact with if I was adventurous enough, but you also see how friendly and outgoing people are on the continent, especially in France. So i think to myself, how easy it is to make friends. It's just that Irish people are less outgoing, but that doesn't mean they're any less friendly.

Hope that was worth something, and sorry if it was just a rant.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Thanks a million everyone for your advice...It's nice to know other people have gone through simular expieriences, and are coping with it.
To answer a couple of questions, i did get treatment for my depression, but the tablets i was on were very heavy on my body, when i was on them i walked around in a daze all day, i could bearly understand what people were saying i was so over-medicated, so i changed doctor, and i was immediatly changed to a much lower dose of a different tablet, but then i fell into my deepest depression of all time on those tablets, and started to get withdrawls from the last ones. That's why so many people who suffer from depression end up in hospital (I didn't, thankfully), because it's not really understood by GP's or even specialists...it's a imbalance of chemicals in the brain, but impossible to judge which chemicals and how much....it's un-cureable and very frustraiting, so i no longer take medication, they made me worse.

Capitan, i too have gone out on my own to drink and attempt to meet people, but i don't know anywhere in Dublin where there are like minded people, people are always in groups, and in a social enviornment like that (obviously, understandably), they wouldn't really talk to some guy on his own. What type of places do you go to?

With regards to clubs, i ment hobbys/courses .... but since im 21, there aren't really ones with people my age, and things that interest me. But i have also gone to night clubs on my own too (and yes i did feel like the biggest loser in Ireland that night).

And yes, i do want a girlfriend, i havn't had one for over a year, and before that was about 3 years ago...so i havn't been feeling "wanted" for a while, no one going out with me, being my friend etc.
Thank you all so much for your advice and support, it's really lifted my spirits reading it I suppose it's a very difficult situation to advise on though, i mean not a lot i can do...but nice to hear other peoples storys and how they are coping...thanks

Rossonero

Needs_Advice wrote:

What type of places do you go to?

I prefer pubs with world music/jazz/soul and that are nice and relaxed. The Blue Note (Galway) is one of my favourites. It has a nice atmosphere and it's popular with like-minded people. It's also popular with foreign students and tourists so there's a good blend of people.

Beruthiel

Needs_Advice wrote:

but i don't know anywhere in Dublin where there are like minded people, people are always in groups, and in a social enviornment like that (obviously, understandably), they wouldn't really talk to some guy on his own. What type of places do you go to?

well, tonight in the Sugar Club would be a start!
check out the boards Events Forum for details, there will be loads of us there and a lot of us won't know each other and will be wandering around all night introducing ourselves, it promises to be a great night and anytime I've gone out with the boards gang, it's always been a good laugh
you have to start somewhere!
a

Evil Phil

Hi Needs_Advice, are you bi-polar? From what you've said about chemical imbalances in the brain I'm guessing you are. I'm not going to advise on medication though. I will say this: get counselling. It will help a lot with your day to day stuggle with depression and will also boost your confidence.