Dumped? Or not?!

arbeitsscheuer

Ok... Let's see if I can make any sense out of this. I'll keep it as simple as I can anyway, and u can make up your own minds. Here we go:

Up til Saturday last I was in a stable, happy relationship, no problems or arguments, twas all good... I had been a little worried at the start, cos she'd got with me only a few months after comin out of a serious, 2 year long relationship (beginnin to become clear, innit? :rolleyes: ). But she'd assured me she was over him, and what's more, had shown me this was the case.

So, the weekend just gone we'd been together a month, and we were goin out on Saturday, my mates and her mates, to celebrate her birthday. She ignored me the whole night, which slightly p*ssed me off, but I thought; it's her birthday, she can do whatever she wants. But then I began hearing (from both my friends and hers) that she'd been complainin bout me bein too intense, and that the relationship was movin too fast for her.

So I tried to get her to talk to me, face to face, but she wouldn't have any of it. Up til this point she'd stayed every saturday night in my flat, but by the end of the night she could barely bring herself to hug me, let alone stay wit me. So she fecked off to a friend's house, and I convinced one of my mates (who, bizarrely, was in a similar situation wit his bird) to kip on my couch (he'd missed the nitelink home anyway).

Sunday mornin, she comes to the flat. We talk, seem to get it all out of our system. So much so that we go to UGC to see a film later on (Meet The Fokkers - it's pants, just in case anyone's interested) and we kiss a few times, hold hands a lot - you know the drill...

Neither of us is very decisive, so throughout this time neither of us was really sure if we were still boyf/girlf or what. Eventually, while waitin wit her at the bus stop (for her bus. Bizarre, I know :rolleyes: ), I asked her what the story was. She said, quote, "I'm just not ready for a relationship yet - I thought I was, but I'm not". And then hopped on the bus.

Now, ordinarily you'd think; that's it, finito. fin. finished. (You get the point)
But thing is, we're gonna see eachother next weekend anyway. And we're goin to the cinema again on Sunday for definite as well. And I just know she WILL try to kiss me the next time we meet up. :cool: But a part of me (the horrible, rational, sensible part of me, with integrity an stuff) thinks she's usin this "not ready for a relationship" thing to play the field, knowing that she has me to fall back on as a safety net. And I ain't sure if I'm comfortable wit bein a safety net, thanks very much.

(Jesus this has been a long post, :eek: better wrap it up!)
Anyway... Should I:
A] Try my hardest to convince her that we should stick together (risking losing her for good)
B] Completely finish wit her, stop seein her at all (and thus maybe she'll see what a mistake she's made and will come back)
C] Just do what she asks, cos she has just come out of a long-term relationship, true enough, and maybe I'm just bein selfish and paranoid.

OR

D] What my elder sis recommends: Keep seein her, goin out wit her and her mates etc, bein friendly and that, etc... But under no circumstances kissin or bein otherwise intimate wit her whatsoever - If she don't want to commit, she ain't gettin sh*t! Sorry, poor joke.

Cheers for any input, boys n girls
Happy Valentine's Day, my a$$

Crucifix

I'd say the [D] solution. Don't let her use you (unless you want to be used), 'lay down the law' that it's a relationship or nothing.

snappieT

I'd give her the option to choose herself between [A] and [D]

She can choose to either make it work, or break it off fully, plain and simply.

Amz

A month isn't a particularly long time to be in a relationship, how can you really say it was "stable" if at first you were unsure?

How did things change for you so quickly to reassure you this was the real deal and it was "stable"?

To answer your question, I'd go with option B.

Complaining about her here and in that Valentines thread it's obvious you're feeling bitter.

I'd move on and cut off all contact with her. No seeing each other next weekend, no going to the cinema etc.

You seem quite keen to have a relationship, commitment etc, she obviously isn't right for you at the moment as she's clearly in a different place emotionally.

Give her space and give her time, if after a while she feels ready for a relationship and you're still interested then gopher it. For now though I'd end whatever it is you have with her.

seamus

If your older sister is saying it, tis probably a good idea

Most men here will probably advise that you get your jollies out of it and play the field yourself while she does, using her the same way she does you, but maybe you don't want to, or you've found yourself getting really into this girl.

After a month, I don't think you can really have a "relationship". Unless you've known her as a mate, the first month is still all "getting to know you" stuff, you're getting used to being mates, never mind being in a relationship together. It's great fun tbh.
Just from your language, her and your mates could be right - perhaps you did come on a little strong, freaked her out a bit. My girlfriend freaked me out by talking about what she'd buy for my birthday, less than a month away, when we first started going out

Amz

seamus wrote:

After a month, I don't think you can really have a "relationship". Unless you've known her as a mate, the first month is still all "getting to know you" stuff, you're getting used to being mates, never mind being in a relationship together. It's great fun tbh.

That would be my thinking too.

My girlfriend freaked me out by talking about what she'd buy for my birthday, less than a month away, when we first started going out

That kind of stuff really freaks me out. I don't like when a guy comes on too strong and starts making all these "future plans" when we've only known each other a week or two. Then telling me his mam advised him to buy Vivenne Westwood crap for a girlfriend if he ever had one. <rant>I hate Vivianne Westwood crap and if you'd known me for more than 2 weeks you'd have known that!</rant>

It reminds of Shrek 2 when Shrek finds Fiona's old diary and she has "Mrs Fiona Charming" written on every single page ...

arbeitsscheuer

seamus wrote:

If your older sister is saying it, tis probably a good idea

Yeah, that's what I figure as well. But I wanna make certain I'm doin the right thing, hence the thread!

seamus wrote:

Just from your language, her and your mates could be right - perhaps you did come on a little strong, freaked her out a bit.

Yeah, I admitted as much to her on Sunday, and on that point we sorta agree: We (and mostly I) had been moving way to fast, so a cooling off would be welcome - but that isn't what seems to be on offer... I think... I've never had a cooling off period in relationships before; either I'm with someone wholeheartedly or not at all.

But keep the replies comin, they r much appreciated

Sangre

SebtheBum wrote:

Yeah, that's what I figure as well. But I wanna make certain I'm doin the right thing, hence the thread!

There is no such thing as the right thing, isn't that obvious. There is no quick fix or easy answer, there is no make-it-all-better approach. Each approach is different and each approach bears different results depending on how you act.
In my, as always, honest opinion, its been one, single, solitary month. How is it a steady relationship, do you even know her second name? Dont be so needy, clingy and/or intense. You seem desperate for this girl or a generic girlfiend. Relax.

If I were you I'd play it her way, go out, kiss, get it on but if you can play the field and see other people. Its not like you're in a relationship or anything.

Sugar coatings things like Seamus takes to long to write.

WhiteWashMan

shes come out of a long term relationship.
she is unsure what she wants.
sounds like she doesnt really want to be with anyone, but if she was going to be with someone, it would be you.
she is probably just in the habit of being with someone and is totally confused about what she wants, hence the indecisivnes of it all.

either get out of it altogther, and save both you and her some hassle, or stick in there and keep plugging away

else you will drive yourself made trying to figure out what someone is thinking, when really, they dont know what they are thinking themselves. we've all been there.

tinkerbell

I reckon tell her it's all or nothing - you get together (coz that's obviously what you want) or you don't. Because otherwise, like you said yourself - she said she's not ready for a relationship but will try to kiss you the next time you meet, which isn't fair on you - unless that's what you want (but from the sounds of it, you don't).

Oh and you ain't being selfish and paranoid, you have a right to know what's going on here.

LegacyUser

D dude. its your best bet if you want it to work out.

flirt with other women when you're out, if she realy does like you, this will make her jealous.

NewFrockTuesday

a sound solution there paperclip!!

Zombrex

B with out the bit at the end

Mate, I will tell you right now what is going to happen. You are going to follower her around like a lost puppy for the next 2 months, just being "friends", while you secretly wait until she realises the mistake she made and come back to you. And after the 2 months she is going to introduce you to Brad, her new boyfriend who is a rugby player and has a fast car and probably a d**k that you can chop trees with, and it is going to crush you and turn you bitter against all women. And you will only have yourself to blame.

She wants all the reassurence and nicities (kissing, someone being there etc) of a relationship, without the pressure because like you said half of her wants to play the field, findout what she is missing. It is not surprising, she just got out of a 2 year relationship. But, and this is the important bit, you have no reason to believe that after she has played the field, she is going to come back to you. And even if that is a possibility, do you want to wait around while the girl you like "gets it out of her system" and then comes back to you?? Would you really be cool with the idea that while you two were on a break (or whatever its called) she was hooking up with other guys. If you got back together can you honestly tell me that wouldn't freak you out, because it would most guys.

You need to say "right it was fun, but f**k you" and move on. Put it down to bad timing. You are not going to move one if you continue to follower her and her friends around waiting for her to come back to you, and more likely than not she is going to end up with someone else anyway, someone new

arbeitsscheuer

Cheers lads - Your input is much appreciated, it really is.
Threads I've started in the past, there's always a few wasters who've no clue, thinking they know absolutely EVERYTHING about relationships... And these type of ppl are usually 13 year old know-nothings! :rolleyes:

But I must say, scrollin through the replies, you all make very good points, (and helped make it an even more difficult decision for me - thanks a lot lads! ).

It's a tough one, and I'm still kinda unsure as to what the hell I'm doing, but...

At the moment, I'm gonna stick wit D. Seamus said it best; "If your sister's saying it, tis probably a good idea!".

A's a non-starter, I just don't have the energy for it, and I know I'll come off as needy if I do it anyway - it's just pointless really.

Can't do B cos basically I can't bring myself to do it. I'd hate myself forever (well, probably only a few weeks, but still ) if I did that.

And C? Despite my apparent wussiness, I ain't being anyone's 'sure thing' or 'safe bet' or whatever you call it. If she wants action from me, she's gonna have to give a little as well.

Cheers anyway lads.
Seb

Chucky the tree

stay friends, score her every so often. but make sure you flaunt it with other girls while shes there, jealousy makes the heart grow fonder!

If you came on too strong she will probaly think she can treat you like a lap-dog, show her she cant take you for granted and that you wont be waiting for her to make up her mind. Play the field, make sure she finds out too. If she thinks she might lose you she might change her mind.

This advice is risky i will admit, but its one of those make or break situations.

WhiteWashMan

SebtheBum wrote:

Cheers lads - Your input is much appreciated, it really is.
Threads I've started in the past, there's always a few wasters who've no clue, thinking they know absolutely EVERYTHING about relationships... And these type of ppl are usually 13 year old know-nothings! :rolleyes:

But I must say, scrollin through the replies, you all make very good points, (and helped make it an even more difficult decision for me - thanks a lot lads! ).

It's a tough one, and I'm still kinda unsure as to what the hell I'm doing, but...

At the moment, I'm gonna stick wit D. Seamus said it best; "If your sister's saying it, tis probably a good idea!".

A's a non-starter, I just don't have the energy for it, and I know I'll come off as needy if I do it anyway - it's just pointless really.

Can't do B cos basically I can't bring myself to do it. I'd hate myself forever (well, probably only a few weeks, but still ) if I did that.

And C? Despite my apparent wussiness, I ain't being anyone's 'sure thing' or 'safe bet' or whatever you call it. If she wants action from me, she's gonna have to give a little as well.

Cheers anyway lads.
Seb

you can read all the replies in the world, and you can take on board all the advice, but i think you probably have your own ideas in your own head and heart about what you want to do.
if thats the case, then just do what your head and heart tell you to do, or which ever is the loudest. if works, then good for you. if it doesnt, well, what have you lost in reality. a few weeks at worst im thinking. the most importnat thing is to make a decision.

procrastination is an ugly ulgy thing.

cajun_tiger

make a point of not doing boyfriend stuff with her, just be a friend.

Q_Ball

I was in a similar situation before. My girlfriend of over two years started ignoring me one night when away with her friends. that night we broke up.

I'd agree with the majority of posts here but if i can add my 2c...

Asking her to commit or nothing is a surefire way to get her to say no. She's just out of a 2 year relationship, i'm sure she'll be in no hurry to get back into a new one. it does sound like she's using you as a safety net tho. This could be because

1) she actually does really like you but couldnt face the chance of disappointment again

2) she used to having someone there to do the bf/gf things but isn't ready for commitment

If 2 is the case then its gonna end sometime because you're only really filling a void that is going to be filled regardless. And when it does end you may already be so attached to her that its gonna hurt both parties.

I'm not sure about the staying friends part. havent thought it through yet but if you do stay "friends" then if nothings gonna happen the friendship will just fizzle out and you'll be able to move on easier.

The only real advice that i'd give to ya is to not get attached until she knows what she wants to do. Just give her time.

If it makes any odds, 2 months after that break-up i met my current girlfriend and i couldnt be happier.

Good luck dude