Can I be friends with ex while I still love her ?

LegacyUser

OK, going anonymous as too embarassed to post under my nick.
I'll try to keep this short.

I'm in late 20's and went out with my ex for nearly 2 years until we broke up last summer. I had some issues I had to deal with and spent a while in hospital and it got too much for her and she ended it.
I don't blame her in any way for ending it, it was very tough on her and she did everything she could to support me.

Anyway, things only really starting to get back to normal since October (but I know i've still got a good way to go) and we've still kept in touch and are friends but i find it hard seeing her or even talking to her sometimes cos I still have feelings for her and know that it'd be selfish to act on them as I don't want to hurt her again.

Problem is she's moved on and met someone. She told me about this in a conversation and I was like "great, you deserve someone" but of course inside it felt like someone had put a knife in my gut.

I still want to be friends with her, but I know that seeing her with another guy will break my heart.

I don't want to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do.

Anyone had similar experiences ?

CathyMoran

It hurts like anything but it can be done - you just have to have clear boundaries and know that you will never get back. I can't say that the friendship will be the same - I had the misfortune of falling in love with a really good friend, even though there was amazing chemistry it did not work out - I decided to stay in contact but I can't be in contact with him like a normal friend and any minor safe flirty comments are not the case - he ended up being a really great friend to me about something that happened in my life recently but that was nearly 8 years after we dated :eek: It is more painful than you can ever imagine to stay in touch with someone who was the one who got away but I do not regret my decision to stay in contact.

Dr. Paco

Dr. Paco feels your pain. Recently Dr. Paco ended a relationship with a young lady and faced difficulties in the fact that she could not remain friends since she was still "in love" with Dr. Paco. In hindsight, Dr. Paco was able to recall a time when the situation was reversed and Dr. Paco was the one "still in love" and needed to find a solution. In the end, it was best to learn to let go if you truly love her and hope that she will find true love and happiness that she deserves. It's only fair for you to have the same, is it not?

Six years later Dr. Paco decided to look up this lady that he once loved, and to his surprise they have been the best of friends since. Although it still hurts to see her in a negative relationship, and Dr. Paco may still have some feelings, they are much easier to manage. Dr. Paco only hopes that the young lady who is still "in love" may also one day be able to be his friend.

Dr. Paco hopes that you won't have to wait 6 years for a friendship with this person, but that you'll be able to recall and use the old phrase "better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all" and work through life towards having that friendship you still want.

CathyMoran

It does take a few years to be friends - 7 years if it was a one that got away...

LegacyUser

Problem is my ex wants to be friends NOW....she's seem really offended at the idea that I'd find it hard to be friends with her.
I suppose my problem is not so much whether she's seeing someone else or not, but my feeling towards her and that deep down I want to be more than friends again . The fact that she's seeing someone else though does bring an air of finality to this idea !

Thanks for responses, so basically another 6 and a half years and it won't hurt so much Kathy ?

Zillah

You absolutely have to make sure you're not doing it for some subconcious hope of getting back with her. You really really have to let her go completely if you're going to be friends.

[Jackass]

I'm sorry original poster..i know it's not what you want to hear, but you have to let go and begin to burn your bridges...I've had 2 very hurtfull breakups, and i remained friends with them (not realising) in the vein hope we may get back together...i put myself through so much sh!te, and kept getting hurt because she was moving on and i wasnt...it's tough to not even be friends with someone you care about so much..but it's got to be done..at very least give yourself time to settle with a new girlfriend, or to have a few flings...it'll help you get over her..be in a better place,then contact her if you still want to be friends... and who knows, maybe with that space apart ad you beng refreshed, something might happen down the road
Just give yourself space and time to recover.
Good luck

comfortablynumb

Yeh i tink dubguy's advice is very gud, you shud try put a little bit of space between urself and ur ex and see how you feel after that. It mite give you a better perspective on the whole situation and help u make a good decision.

Dr Bolouswki

Sometimes it's easier to just move on - maybe if you have the same group of friends and if you find someone too things can pan out, but if you still have feelings for her it's very hard to remain just friends. Your desire to remain friends could easily be mostly influenced by your desire to get back with her...

Give it time and give it space and then you'll know wether you want to remain friends or to move on entirely.

Beruthiel

Can I be friends with ex while I still love her ?

it's not possible if you still have strong feelings for her.
From my own experience, it is best not to see her at all for at 6 months or more, depending on how you feel.
In that time you should be out there living life and getting on with things.
If after that time, as Dr. Paco said, you can get in touch and become friends.
It worked for me and we are great mates now.

WhiteWashMan

let her live her life. if you can be friends without pressuring her, or yourself, then best of luck, otherwise you are going to only going to frustrate yourself and turn into some psycho stalker from hell.
wel, maybe not, but you get the idea.

Static M.e.

Yeah I had the same circumstances about 3 years ago, didnt spend time in hospital but was pretty messed up.

For me, I did stay friends with her, well kinda, I moved to another city, use to call her for about 6 months then stopped cus it just didnt make me feel any better.

I would still consider us friends if I meet her out it always big hugs and i keep track of how she is getting on etc but thats how far it goes.

For you I would say what my friends told me, actually I wont cus my friends are pricks but I think you should for the moment dont NOT be friends with her but just try and stop calling all the time, kind of wean yourself off her. When you want to call her just pause and think about it for a moment and then call if you must.

And if you can try and avoid seeing her with her boyf cus it will hurt like hell. But you know yourself it does get better after a while of course, if you can try and get out more aswell and meet new people, girls that is, even if you dont score with one of them, they will take your mind off your x.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Been there. If you still have feelings and more importantly since she's met someone new, try and let it slide, in a nice way. Have no regrets. In my own experience it came to a head, angry words were spoken and we no longer are friends. I regret that but it was impossible to be friends since I was the one who wouldn't let go. If I could turn back time I would have kept a distance until I was on a different level in terms of feelings and attachment.

She has moved on, you need to as well. It could be argued that since you were in hospital, life has been on hold so its not surprising you still have an attachment. Seek another life for yourself. Get out there and meet new people, most importantly try and make up for lost time any way you can. Fill up your day with new experiences and gradually make this person a smaller part of your life until you've reached the point where there is no longer an issue with feelings. Make the decision to let go for once and for all.

Beruthiel

JustaJealousGuy wrote:

Problem is my ex wants to be friends NOW....she's seem really offended at the idea that I'd find it hard to be friends with her.

offended?
well she is clearly over you if she thinks like that!
explain to her that you still have some feelings for her and need some space to get on with your own like, that you'll call her when you are ready to be friends.

Zulu

You can't be friends with her unfortunatly. (...and you know that)

The reason is simple: you will have an angenda (ie: getting back with her).
Friends don't have hidden motives/adgendas.

ChRoMe

Being friends with your ex is only going to prolong your suffering. Life is hard enough why make it any harder