Dating single mothers

LegacyUser

Ehm, I don't mean to start anything here but has any man here ever started dating a single mother? There's this girl in my life, but its the whole 2 & 1/2 yr old kid thing that is the big problem for me...

http://www.beingaman.com/dating_single_mothers.htm

I don't know anyone that has done this so I'm turning to the old reliable internet for advice

Beruthiel

do a search of this forum for other threads on this subject, I believe there is one which was posted up just a few weeks ago.

/edit
btw
that's one rubbish website you posted there
especially this bit:
All too often, single mothers are looking for a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile

I've never read such a load of twaddle, I'd go as far as to say it's downright insulting to single mothers.

Dr Bolouswki

Single moms are great - you get all the fun of a child without any of the responsibility, the ladies in question are more likely to put up with your crap because they are sooooooo thankful that them having a child doesn't deter you AND you know they put out!

Or, you know, I'm totally wrong. I'm just unhappy that nobody loves me so I reply to threads like this with reflexive irony.

WhiteWashMan

well, you will always be second priority in life until such time as there may be something serious going on, but other than that, there isnt a whole lot of differences.

single moms are people too you know.

Fanny Cradock

WhiteWashMan wrote:

single moms

no americanisms please!

Sleepy

Ruthie just mentioned a thread I posted here quite recently...

The girl I'm seeing at the moment has a two year old daughter. For me it's not so much of an issue because her father is still very active in her life (we usually have our dates when it's his turn to have their daughter for the night). Knowing that personally gave me a lot of reassurance that I wasn't going to be looked at as a potential Daddy.

I'm only seeing this girl a short while so any of the advice I'm giving is pretty freshly learned and might be naieve but the tips I'd give you:

1. Never expect to be first priority. The girl will always be a mother first and a girlfriend second.
2. Be patient, you'll have far more dates cancelled on you / changes of plan than with someone who's free from the commitments of parenthood. This can't be helped, it's not her fault, it's simply part of being a parent.
3. Take things as they come. Most relationships don't work out. It's a cynical point of view maybe but it's a fact. There's no point in getting yourself worked up about "can I marry this woman and be a stepfather to her child" after a few dates.

Beruthiel gave me the second piece of advice when I posted here about it and it proved to be very true. Other than that treat her like you would any other girlfriend!

Beruthiel

Fanny Cradock wrote:

no americanisms please!

fanny
please read the CHARTER of this forum
B

Static M.e.

I dont get it really, I dont think it would bother me in the slightest if I meet a class girl and then found out she was a single mom. I would be so impressed with the First bit ! finding a Class Girl !

Why should it matter in the slightest ?
If anything at all, you should be happy about it, because she thought you were worthy enough to be around her child.

Seriously what about the whole thing is bothering you ?

Im sure she isnt looking for

a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile

im sure she just wants to happy like everyone else, this sounds more like a cop out to me, if you like her go for it ! if you are looking for excuse's to break it off then just say so

LegacyUser

not an ideal situation dude.

there's so many factors, your age, her age, kids age, is the da around, is he a nut, is the kid a nut....

all's i'm sayin is, she'd have to be one hot mamma for me to consider going out with her in the first place, then she'd also have to have an amazing personality for me to want to make a go of it.

its hard enough to find a hot single childless chick with a personality in this town.

Fanny Cradock

Beruthiel wrote:

fanny
please read the CHARTER of this forum
B

will do!

spunkymunky

Ive been seeing a single mother for nearly three months and its not been an issue. Its been a little different as far as dating. Your depending on the schedules of 2 other people so as Sleepy says there can be cancellations and sometimes trouble finding the time to go out.
I would say the main thing is not to push to meet the child. I havnt yet and wont even bring it up until she wants to. It would be tough on the child to meet every man going through here life.

QUOTE"
1. Never expect to be first priority. The girl will always be a mother first and a girlfriend second.
2. Be patient, you'll have far more dates cancelled on you / changes of plan than with someone who's free from the commitments of parenthood. This can't be helped, it's not her fault, it's simply part of being a parent.
3. Take things as they come. Most relationships don't work out. It's a cynical point of view maybe but it's a fact. There's no point in getting yourself worked up about "can I marry this woman and be a stepfather to her child" after a few dates."

All very true. Its a slight adjustment but one that is very easy to do.

P.S. im going out with a MILF :rolleyes: (doesnt it mean the same if shes younger??)

vibrant

spunkymunky wrote:

P.S. im going out with a MILF :rolleyes: (doesnt it mean the same if shes younger??)

I've no idea what a MILF is (but it sounds rude!). What is it!?

Static M.e.

it is !

MILF = Mother I would Like to something something

Thorbar

Beruthiel wrote:

I've never read such a load of twaddle, I'd go as far as to say it's downright insulting to single mothers.

Ah don't doubt the wise words of Dr. Neder!

http://www.beingaman.com/Fence%20Leaning.jpg

Dr. Paco

Dr. Paco would just like to interject that in his research, he has seen that some varying levels of difficulties can come from the age of the child or children.

From what he has experienced first hand as well as researched, the relationship takes work just like any other normal relationship. However, when you factor in the existing responsibilities that the single parent (mother or father) may have, the relationship can typically be easier while the child is still young and impressionable. Although you may find yourself having less excursions in public sometimes, the fact remains that a child of a young age can make the acceptance of a new person into the mix easier than one that may be older. Often times, an older child may feel compelled to compete for their parents time or have difficult issues in accepting that their parent is in the dating world.

All in all, it's like every other relationship....it takes work...regardless of the situation.

Dr. Paco commends all who take the effort to not turn someone away simply because they are a single parent or do not want to be burdened with the idea of a relationship with children so quickly.

_blank_

I was with a single mother for a while.

Father of the child was a complete psycho, and was in and out of the childs life for a year or more. Very hard to get dates set up, time to see each other. He'd say he was taking the kid, then cancel at the last minute.

He had a hold over her, as he kept threatening to stop giving what little money he did give to her if she stopped letting him see the kid.

The fact that she had the child was nothing to do with us not keeping the relationship going however.

I did get a bit freaked out one time though, when the little one started calling me "daddy" from the other side of a field :eek:

All in all, it was diffeent from going out with a girl with no children, no doubt, but I'd do it again.

As someone else said, if you are lucky enough to find a nice girl who likes you, and trusts you enough, then go for it.

I suppose in the times we live in, we will probably encounter many more women with children who are no longer in a relationship with the father. It wouldn't put me off the girl, no way.

On the flip side, what do girls think of single dads?

Fair enough, there isn't many lads out there who actually have the children 24/7 like the mothers do, but still, I'd like to know what would a girl think if they met a bloke who it turned out was the father of a three year old?

I'm not, but I am interested all the same

memphis

This topic came up a few weeks back if I'm correct in saying.

Perhap one of the Mod, could link to it!!!!! Beruthiel, what you say?

Anyway, on the topic, my bro is dating a single Mum, whith a 6 or 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. As far as I can see he has never been happier. Its funny though to hear the kid call him "daddy", cuter again was when they were home for my sisters wedding (He's based in Switzerland, having been in Saudi for 3 years), and she called me "Uncle"!!!

My bro meet the girl in question in Saudi, she is Scotish, and they moved in together, they then moved to Switzerland after he was transfered by the Department, he's in Foreign Affairs! I've only meet his girlfriend twice, but its so obvious that he adores her, and the kid, and he's quite enjoying playing "Happy Family".

Beruthiel

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=215057&highlight=single+mother

The Corinthian

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0276751/plotsummary

KlodaX

paperclip wrote:

not an ideal situation dude.

there's so many factors, your age, her age, kids age, is the da around, is he a nut, is the kid a nut....

all's i'm sayin is, she'd have to be one hot mamma for me to consider going out with her in the first place, then she'd also have to have an amazing personality for me to want to make a go of it.

its hard enough to find a hot single childless chick with a personality in this town.

paperclip has a point... in an odd way ... it is hard to find someone you click with ... why would you dis one because she has a mini (probably very similar) one attached.... you are getting 1.5 interesting people instead of just 1

WhiteWashMan

The Corinthian wrote:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0276751/plotsummary

there you go with your hugh grant fetish again....

but i was never sure if it was about his relationship with the mother, or with the child that it was all about?

The Corinthian

WhiteWashMan wrote:

but i was never sure if it was about his relationship with the mother, or with the child that it was all about?

Michael Jackson was originally cast for the lead role, hence the confusion.

cajun_tiger

ok...single mothers and dating them, what is this problem some men have.

is it that they are scared coz there is someone more important than them in her life.

or is it the fact that you have to share time.

you know there are single dads too but not many people have problems with them...

what is it that your scared of i doubt she wants another dad for her kid. she might just want a partner to share the rest of her life with. ye you'd be involved with the kid but you would be there dad. you'd be mams boyfriend!!!

Lainey

it depends on how much you want to be with the girl.. if it seems like too much hassle then obv you don't like her that much..

as for girls looking for a 'daddy' for their children ! Hardly, its protecting them they most likely want not trying to force them on every potential daddy that comes along..

my son was three when i started going out with my bf.. together nearly ten years now and my son never once called him daddy, he has his own daddy.. but they still have the same relationship, just everyone knows the facts..

The Corinthian

cajun_tiger wrote:

ok...single mothers and dating them, what is this problem some men have.

Please note, the following reflect common attitudes surrounding the dating of single mothers and not necessarily my own – still, since you asked:

1. The Cookoo syndrome. A man is conscious of the fact that he settles down into a long term relationship with a single mother he will end up helping to bring up the child of another man. This alone may put some men off starting any sort of relationship, or indirectly in that they would feel uncomfortable in the role of ‘father’ especially when they will never actually be the ‘father’.
2. Divergent Priorities. As you pointed out the man is not the most important thing in the single mother’s life, and unfortunately the child is unlikely to be most important thing in the man’s life. Normally relationships progress from the couple viewing each other as the most important thing in their lives to their child taking over that role, it’s a common interest that binds many people.
3. Commitment-phobia. Most men don’t naturally take to commitment and responsibility too well. I’ve suggested before that most men tend to slip into commitment as long as they don’t realize it’s happening, so arriving to a relationship with a pre-packaged bundle of ready-made responsibility isn’t going instil confidence.
4. Prejudice. This can be anything from the assumption that single mothers are all sluts, through to the suspicion that single mothers are seeking a long term relationship with a man who will act as surrogate father to their child. No matter what the prejudice is or how consciously it is held, it puts single mothers at a disadvantage.
5. Children? No Thanks. Not everyone wants kids. Some men positively hate them (or as men we’re in no real rush to have them anyway) and many simply don’t fancy fatherhood for whatever reason. Ever. Where with most women, this is not something that will become an issue until much, much later in the relationship, in the case of single mothers it’s already decided.
6. Supply & Demand. Whether single mothers like it or not, a child is a daunting complication for any man considering a relationship with her and not one that many men would actually seek out. As a result it becomes a simple question of supply and demand - most men feel they can do better and, statistically, they can.

The Clown Man

The Corinthian wrote:

most men feel they can do better and, statistically, they can.

Brave. I'll give you that.

I went out with a girl who had a 3yo child for about 4 months. The girl was absolutely class and we struck it off immediately. The fact that she had a child didn't bother me in the slightest and although most people would have thought that I would certainly not fit into the "Dad" catagory too easily I thought it was actaually quite enjoyable in a very different sort of way to be around her child.

However, due to the fact that she lived in Cork and I lived in Dundalk and due to the fact that she/we could not find/afford babysitters and also due to the fact that her Mother was the most cruelly selfish person I have ever met, she was finding it difficult to find time to spend with her child and was finding herself waking up later and later in the mornings.

All in all it just couldn't work. Not because of the fact that she had a child, but because of the circumstances surrounding her motherhood.