help with attraction

LegacyUser

Hi,

Sorry for posting this as unregistered, but I'm sure you get why.
I have had a guy working with me for the last nearly two years and I have slowly become more and more attracted to him. I am almost certain that it is not reciprocated, but I can't stop myself thinking and dreaming about him.
I have tried to drop the hint but it seems to go over his head.
I am married with a daughter (unhappily) so I'm not sure if it is this that is stopping him. I can understand that it would, as I'm sure everyone who cheats says that they are unhappily married!
Anyway, I don't know what to do! He is definitely leaving the job in July so I wonder should I wait until then to tell him how I feel?
If I tell him now and he didn't feel the same way, wouldn't it make life horrible?
I don't know what to do, as either way I don't think I would ever have the nerve to tell my husband. I'm just an emotional wreck over it all... I've never been lucky in love, and I would hate to think that I would be making a fool of myself if I said anything or that I would be making a huge mistake by saying nothing...

Gordon

So you're asking advice on how to commit adultery?

Your most pressing issue is sorting out your failing marriage, I consider this to be most pressing as you have a child together. Being married with a daughter would tend to put most men off a women for a variety of differing reasons.

Go to your husband.

threebeards

What Gordon said!!

LegacyUser

Ok guys, fair point. I know I should sort out my marriage first. I think deep down that this attraction is just a symptom of the problems in my marriage.
I just don't know what to do about it. It's not like he is violent or I have ever cheated; I think the love is just gone. which is sad.
As for how I would ever tell him how I feel, I don't even know where I should start. I have felt this way for 3 years. This is a long time to feel lonely believe me!
Thanks for the advice anyway, I guess I am just looking for the easy answer!

tinkerbell

If something is broken, try to fix it, rather than going out and buying a new model, i.e. try to work things out with your husband.

If you feel you can't talk to your husband, then write it all down on paper and show it to him.

Alanna

I think that you sound intelligent and quite self aware. You already know that this guy in work more than likely does not feel the same way about you, you refer to 'dreaming' about him. A dream is all it is now and that's all it should stay.

You are in a fragile emotional place at the moment, as you are existing in a shaky marriage and the last thing you need is a blow to your self esteem in the form of an akward refusal and a horrible atmosphere afterwards in work.

This crush on your workmate undoubtably is a symptom of the lonliness you are feeling in your marriage, remember, he's not making you feel like this, you are. Don't be scared to talk to your husband, presumeably he has noticed that you are not happy and that if you don't feel any blame is appropriate on his part, there is no reason why you shouldn't both be able to resolve to have a happier life, whether thats together or apart.

Your husband must have been your best friend at one time and even if the love is gone, undoubtably there must be some respect and affection left between you. One thing is certain, your daughter deserves a happy life and it will be difficult to provide that if you are both miserable. You mention that you have never been lucky in love, well now would be a good time to make some of your own luck.
I wish you well.

WhiteWashMan

at what point do you feel that having a sexual relationship will help you, and what will it achieve?

MojoMaker

Lonelysad, I'd be careful, looks like your husband is going to contact a private investigator. You need to be very circumspect from this point onwards.

kittenkiller

once this guy's gone from work you're interest'll fade!

honest!

then work on fixing or ending your marriage.

you'll feel so much better that you did things the right way round.

Beruthiel

OP
sort out your own life before you start to involve anyone else in it.
if you are unhappy with your husband then leave him - then you can think about seeing other men

Static M.e.

Talk with your husband, you know maybe you can work it out !

love can be rekindled ! and it could work out better than it ever was.

You have to work at it though.

Best of luck, I really hope it works out

[Jackass]

Your Daughter is your biggest priority in all of this....she deserves to have a home with a mother and father, and to be happy and not have these complications...when you put yourself in a position to have a child, you need to be certain you can give it a stable home (but things change i know...that dosen't make you any less of a person)
But the bottom line is, you have to earn your way out of a marrage....and you cant do that on your own. This is an issue that must be openly discussed with your husband (the marrage, not the attraction), if there was no reason for you to be together, and if you couldnt make eachother happy, you wouldn't have gotten married...discuss what makes you unhappy, remember together what used to make you both happy..marrage isn't all roses and picnics, it's for better or worse, and there will always be difficult times in every marrage, it's how you deal with them that defines the relationship.....only when you can both honestly say (you and your husband) that you have attempted every avenue to rekindle your relationship, and have tried everything (including professional counsilling) to make this partnership work, only then could you allow the marrage to end, and to just have a friendship based around benefitting your daughter...anything less by either of you would be failing your daughter, which she may resent for the rest of her life. It's a long and difficult path, that must begin with a long, open, honest and frank conversation with your husband tonight..you must remember that this is something you want to fix for your daughter, yourself and your happines...i hope more than anything you can take this advice, and i genuinely say good luck, and i really hope it works out for you
You're a long way off looking outside the marrage, i think you can agree that that would be unfair. The attraction is a result of your general unhappiness...i hope you'll be strong and ignore it to concentrate on what matters.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your advice! I will have a long think about what to say and I will have a talk with my husband. You are right, my daughter is my first priority and this attraction is only a manifest of my unhappiness. My husband does deserve to know how I feel about things, even if it is only to agree.

BTW, I hope that isn't him on about the Private Investigator!

Many thanks again everyone, your advice has been extremely valuable.

MojoMaker

Do you mind if I ask how old you are lonelysad and how old is your marriage?

Btw no matter you are with you will face these quandries from time to time. My best advice is to not listen to the advice of a hormonal 21yr old when it comes to making decisions about your marriage. It's all very much black and white when you're that age but as we know it gets a good deal less clear as time goes on. Your twin priorities are to the man you married and the child you bore. Everything else takes second place for now. Look at every possible option and then again twice and three times and make sure you don't cast away something you once believed in for the sake of a cheap thrill.