15 Minute Poems

hada

Any complaints or advice would be really appreciated. Never really shown any of my writings to anyone, so I'm kind of nervous even doing this.. Here goes 3 of them anyway,




I watch the others,
As I was,
pening the same old tales,
If lost plots and places
But will their pain ever reach ear?
Only to be heard and brushed off
Indifferently to one side.

So how does one ever achieve such poetic license -
To have others amaze themselves in
The rantings of an old man?
To deviate the mind on the
hazy words of our dear little Dickinson?

Then which is better? -
To leave my ink dry
never to be groped by the
Oily fingers of the others,
But leaving them instead to gather dust in myself

Or do I swing open the bridge
of my pen to mind
For all those to trample by upon
My roses of thought?

No. Never. I shall choose to protect thee
And to keep thee from all eyes
And, in turn, hide all My Memories from Myself.

---

I listen for the voice in my head
To shake My tree of thought,
But instead I find that tree
Empty of all life,
And that voice; filled with a heavy led

I once used it,
Listened to each note of its warm whisper
And joyed as each leaf blown fell
Allowing My fire to build to a frenzy

Yet now, after the slow burn
And even after the ashes lay scattered,
I have too died with it,
My eyes have become less aware.

The ryhme of My rhythm has lost beat
While My centre - unpregnagable - of thought

Defunct, destitute and now
- Desperate -

---

The whailing wind rapes my soul -
Every ince is bruised, each layer torn.
And now I am left silent, brutalised and bare.

The sleepless Knights have come,
Galloping upon their corrupted steeds -
Carrying swords - they do not,
But books of my most secret torment.

For I dreamt last night of murder -
of that,
I cannot remember her name -
But that I took the knife from under,
And plunged it upon her skin.
And after all I did - was weep,
To cry foolishly.
But even in my short dream
When such deeds were questioned

- I could not raise my hand -

MojoMaker

Good debut hada. I liked the first two and could definitely identify with the underlying theme. Wasn't as sold on the third one though, not to say it is without merit, just didn't grab me as much as the first couple.

Did you really pen them in 15 mins?

goin'_to_the_PS

Hate the line
"the bridge swings open"

I think you're lingering on themes, which aren't going anywhere(most of all in the first one)

hada

MojoMaker wrote:

Good debut hada. I liked the first two and could definitely identify with the underlying theme. Wasn't as sold on the third one though, not to say it is without merit, just didn't grab me as much as the first couple.

Did you really pen them in 15 mins?

Mainly yes. Thanks for the advice.

Anything more opinions to offer would be absolutely great

hada

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

Hate the line
"the bridge swings open"

I think you're lingering on themes, which aren't going anywhere(most of all in the first one)

Mayebe it's just me, or don't poems usually deal with one certain type of theme?
And by them not going anywhere what do you mean?

I'm not giving out now, dont get me wrong. Just a little puzzled as to your qualms..

goin'_to_the_PS

sorry i didn't put it well, i meant that i didn't think it was going anywhere

hada

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

sorry i didn't put it well, i meant that i didn't think it was going anywhere

Still can't really see where you're coming from, because (to me) the poetry and their themes speak for themselves.
For example, in the first, one can see the simple predictment of writing poetry/expressing ones own thoughts in words.

I mean all you have to do is look at this thread/what you've said about it to see exactly where that theme is going.

goin'_to_the_PS

i just think your lingering in the first but i still like it

MojoMaker

In other words Hada, he hasn't a clue. Stick with it, your themes are expressed well.

hada

Thanks mojo, you've certainly given me a well needed boost in confidence that I needed ever so badly. Cheers mate