More Entries from the Bulwer-Lytton Crappy-Fiction Contest

Hobbes

With a loud pop from the steaming contents of the microwave, Sara discovered the similarities between the Chinese take out and pet store hamster cartons.
-- Bradley Loeding
Bellevue, Washington

Carl had never dreamed of killing his parents, not until the day he tried to show them how to operate the timer on the new VCR.
-- John Grundmann
Bethpage, New York

The day he left the Army, John's discharge was both honorable and cottage cheese-like.
-- Michael David Edwards
Everett, Washington

What began as a casual scratch of the nose for Eugene Poindexter quickly evolved into a definite pick and then rapidly a mining expedition whereby he inadvertently pinched his pituitary gland and, nine years later, became the Pittsburgh Steelers' star fullback.
-- Jim "Quasimofo" Sheppeck
Irvine, California

Looking all around at the shattered and collapsed buildings, cracked streets and broken water mains in his Southern California hometown, Jason shook his head and said, "The San Andreas couldn't have done this!"-- but he had always been generous to a fault.
-- John L. Ashman
Houston, Texas

"I can swim faster than you can, and I'm much more maneuverable," said the paramecium superciliously to the amoeba.
-- Michael J. Saxton
Riverside, California

Daphne ran swiftly across the windswept moor scarcely noticing its heather perfume, down to the rocky cliff where she paused momentarily atop the jagged precipice, looked down at the waves crashing far below, and wished that she had been born anything other than a lemming.
-- Daniel R. Little
Huntsville, Alabama

The column halted at the Little Puddle River, while "New Hampshire Dick" Baltenschwaltz, our scout, splashed across it to converse with the Indian warrior on the other side, then returning from his palaver he spat into the river and drawled, "Waal, Lootenant, that thar jasper 'cross the river is either the son of old Turkey-Inconvenienced-the-Gopher and means to have our hair if we cross this yar crick, or he's a albino Bulgarian transvestite come west to sell tin roofing and whalebone corsets to the Injuns; ain't him or me too good talkin' with our hands, so just take yer pick."
-- Robert D. Norris, Jr.
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Ricky, who liked to go on camping trips just like this camping trip, and he learned all about what to do if you get lost in the woods, and it's a good think Ricky knew all about the important stuff I'm going to teach you because, sure enough, Ricky got lost-- but he didn't panic, no sirree, he just sat right down and hugged a tree, and you know what?-- when they found his skeleton three years later he was still hugging that tree.
-- Cynthia Conyers
Warner Springs, California

The storm raged and the wind shrieked and the sea roared and the sky twitched and the masts creaked and the planks groaned and the aft rose and the stern sank and her breasts heaved and his loins stirred, and the question remained only whether his seed or his lunch would first burst into the steaming darkness.
-- David Hirsch
Seattle, Washington

On his first day on the job as a butcher, Frank backed into the meat grinder, and before he knew it, he had gotten a little behind in his orders.
-- Jeff Ottney
Titusville, Pennsylvania

"Freeways-- yes, the 101 is so baroque, or is it Freudian, with, like, those tunnels, or I guess that's the Pasadena-- but the 405 interchange with the Santa Monica at about 4:30 in the afternoon in a Honda Civic with Oing-Boingo on, like blasting, is so being there," Jessie bubbled soulfully.
-- Sandra M. Jensen
Eugene, Oregon



[This message has been edited by Hobbes (edited 30-03-2001).]