The way a man thinks. . . vs. a woman's perspective.

Altheus

Right, first up, I'm a twenty year old male, fresh from puberty, and my hormones are raging. I've got a girlfriend I've been with the last six months, she's not the first girl I've ever been with, but she is the first I've gone out with for this length of time.

Here is the problem....

I love my girlfriend (yes, I realise the hypocrisy, so no need to point it out), but I want to meet other women. I get to see my girlfriend a couple nights of the week, and usually when we go out for drinks we have one or two and head home. I love it, it's fantastic. On the nights she's not around I just want to go and get absolutely slaughtered, and excuse my rudeness, throw a length into anything that has a good set of legs. I don't however. My conscience tells me otherwise. I'm not sure if this is just high libido, or if I'm bored with my girlfriend.

Another issue is that she has endometriosis. This means that her period is absolutely hell for her, and our sex life is somewhat limited. We've tried different things, but the fact is that she is in pain a lot of the time. It's hard to sleep with your girlfriend when she isn't enjoying it. It's consentual, but hardly enjoyable.

We've talked about and she just gets angry, upset, cries and says things like, "you don't want me", or gets angry and tells me to go f myself.

I love the girl, I really do, but I don't know whether I can realistically go out with her on a long-term. I'm far too young to have children now, but I will want to have them later in life. She probably won't be able to bear children, and I've had the debacle in my head that I want a child of my own flesh and blood, and of the mothers.

Is it better to end a good thing before it turns sour, or should I continue to let these things rot away inside me, get bitter, subconsciously ruin everything. Lust after other women, and then resent the fact that I can't have sex with my own girlfriend.

This is a really difficuly situation, because on one hand I know sex is not anything to with love directly, but surely it must be of some consequence? I realise my selfishness, because God knows how many women can't even achieve orgasm with their men, but still put up with them.

I'm not looking for suggestions her about oral, and sex games we could play. We've gone down those routes.

Is it time to call it day, or should I just be a more compassionate human being?

I feel like emotional faeces, I hate this.

Mr.Nice Guy

I think you should call it a day.You are a young guy and you want to enjoy your youth.It's undestandable.End the relationship before you start resenting your girl.You're doing her no favours by staying with her if you're not happy.

Anyway,that's my two cents.

The Sweeper

Altheus wrote:

Right, first up, I'm a twenty year old male, fresh from puberty, and my hormones are raging.

There you go - you've sort of answered your own question. Your post did not start with any of the following:

• I'm a thirty five year old man with a wife and two small children.
• I'm a twenty year old male, and I think I might be homosexual.
• I'm a thirteen year old boy and I have a crush on my teacher.
• I'm a twenty year old girl and I've been dressing as a man for three years now.
• I'm a twenty year old male, fresh from puberty, and my hormones are raging, and I'm two timing my girlfriend with her sister on Tuesdays and her mother on Thursdays.

You're honest. Congratulate yourself.

Split up with your girlfriend, gently, nicely, and without mucking her about.

Then have immense fun on your way around the block. At least twice.

vibrant

I agree, it's time to call it a day. If you're not getting what you want/need out of it, what's the point?

rain on

Altheus wrote:

Is it better to end a good thing before it turns sour, or should I continue to let these things rot away inside me, get bitter, subconsciously ruin everything. Lust after other women, and then resent the fact that I can't have sex with my own girlfriend.

You know the answer to this one, I think.

IMO, you sound like a good guy. You seem to have a good understanding of yourself, of your desires and motivations. You sound like you're trying really hard to be understanding of her medical issues. And she tells you to 'go **** yourself'?.
My opinion is biased, because i'm only getting one side of the story, but to be perfectly blunt, I don't think she deserves you.
Don't stay with her for her sake.

CathyMoran

You are still quite young. I did not even fall in love for the first time until I was almost 24. Fancying other people is normal - even in the most commited relationship. OK, so you are not having as much physical contact as you would like - I am sure that your gf could feel the same - maybe a doctor could assist her to have less pain and control her humor more? Men and women can both have high libidos BTW. You seem like a nice guy, but on the other hand you are also giving several reasons why you do not want to be with her - think through it honestly, do you really want to be with her, it seems like you are making a lot of excuses to leave. In terms of kids - you could have fertility problems with anyone you meet - adoption is always an option.

In short, there appear to be solutions to most of the problems that you are having with her - now you just have to figure out what you want.

iguana

I do think that you should break up with her, it sounds like you are in a situation you aren't ready for. But while I would usually feel someone being broken up with deserves the truth, I think this case is different.
Tell her the truth about not being ready to settle down, but I wouldn't mention how you feel about her medical problems. It isn't like she can do anything to fix it and you would make her feel so much worse. Also if someone broke up with me because of a medical condition it would affect my self esteem and interfer with my ability to have a relationship in the future, I wouldn't be able to trust anyone else to not feel the same way as you. And the chances are one day she will meet someone for whom it won't be such a problem, this isn't a dig at you btw, so try not to let her start future relationships convinced this will be too much for him to take.
You sound like you really care for her so don't hurt her more than you have to.

aliveandkicking

You say you love her but in reality you probably don't. If you did truly love her you would love and accept her for everything she is including her medical condition. Her condition is part of who she is and you can accept it or move on, theres no middle ground.

Try to imagine your life if she wasn't a part of it, how much would you miss her? Is she worth losing just because you can't dip the wick? Is there any treatment she could have to make things better?

Think hard before you do anything.

MartMax

honestly i think, if you can't take any commitment, so don't commit - either one of you or both will get hurt... if you want to commit, make sure you ready and act like one... but don't pretend, won't work... u dont have to believe me thou.. :rolleyes:

iguana

CathyMoran wrote:

maybe a doctor could assist her to have less pain and control her humor more?

As far as I know endometriosis is largely untreatable. There are certain treatments but are limited in their effectiveness.

b3t4

iguana, you are correct in saying that endometriosis is largely untreable. The most effective measures that I have heard for its treatment is for a women to go into a semi menopause state for a year or so, having a baby has been known to help (not advisable in this instance) or having a hysterectomy.

More information about endometriosis can be got at http://www.endometriosis.org/ http://www.endometriosisassn.org/

I am speaking as a friend of a girl who suffered from said condition. She had a hysterectomy at the age of 22. She has suffered severely from this condition since an early age. This condition is horribly destroying for a woman. She will be in an extreme amount of pain for quite a lot of the time and can have to face the fact that she may never go on concieve. This is an awful lot for a person to take on and normally these women are faced with these facts at a young age.

My advise to the poster would be for you to move on from this relationship. But do as what was suggested earlier and not tell her the reason, her medical condition is not something that she can change.

A.

$lash

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind... I think you have already decided you no longer want to be with her ... Don't drag it out.. tell her - the longer you leave it the more you will hurt her

Altheus

Thanks for all the replies. Perhaps, I didn't really put it across in my original post, but I do truly love this girl. My problem here is a sexual one, and not a commitment issue. If I could live with her, then maybe things would be different, but as she's just finished school, and given the time we've been together, I'm not sure if it's the best idea.

Breaking up with her would not only break her heart, it would break mine too. Should libido conquer love? Every year she has a major operation, basically to scrape her womb lining, it's a delicate operation, but she'll be in severe pain. I've made promises to stay with her through that time.

I guess what I'm looking for here is someone to tell me it'll be alright, there's a light that wont go out, and I should be strong for her. Is the fact that I can understand these things not more reason to stay with her, my pain is paltry compared to her suffering. She's only 18 after all, been through a ****load, and she's shared so much with me. The time we spend together is precious, but apart from each other, there's an overiding feeling of resentment. Is that a reflection of the kind of person I am?

Sure the easy thing here is to walk away, and gently tell her lies to save her feelings, or avoid it altogether. I don't want to be responsible for emotional distress, especially to a girl her age. I've seen my friend's self esteem being destroyed and now 3 years later they're still picking up the pieces.

It's a bang my head against a wall situation. Perhaps I'm reading too deep into what is simply a hormonal urge to sleep around as much as possible. And the reality is that I could feel like that with anyone isnt it? I'm in my prime etc...

I'm a strong person, and I can handle going through this, it's when I contemplate the other, life without her, I cringe.

LegacyUser

aliveandkicking wrote:

You say you love her but in reality you probably don't. If you did truly love her you would love and accept her for everything she is including her medical condition. Her condition is part of who she is and you can accept it or move on, theres no middle ground.

Try to imagine your life if she wasn't a part of it, how much would you miss her?

I don't agree, women just don't seem to realise that we can still love you but some things about you can drive us absolutely mental. "If you can't deal with that well then how can you love me? It's who I am!!" It's such an easy excuse yet some of you try to change us all the time and most of the time we're totally accommodating. OT but I felt it had to be said.

You need to be selfish here, mate. You're young and have the ability to build yourself a happy life. If you don't see this situation changing then you need to end it. Love is fickle and isn't constrained to one person. 6months isn't all that long so just end it cleanly.

dundealgan

Wow, your last post was really touching!

Your girlfriend is so lucky to have somebody like you, you are a very genuine caring person by the sounds of things.

With regard to the 'libido' thing, i believe that love conquers all but sex does have to play a part somewhere. It is only natural for your hormones to be raging, you are a young guy! Wish i could say that will pass, but as i'm female i cant really comment!

The decision to split with her or not, is one that only you can make. And as you said it is a difficult one to make. But if you cannot bear to be without her and you see yourself with her for always, then i don't think you should do it!

Also for your 'sexual pleasure' you don't necessarily have to have full blown sex to be satisfied! I assure you that men can enjoy other things just as much!!

Best of luck whatever you decide, as i said your girlfriend is a lucky lucky girl to have someone as thoughtful and considerate as you!

Sharon x

The Corinthian

Altheus, your options are as follows:

1. Leave her (or 'take a break' from each other) and play the field for a while/indefinitely.
2. Cheat on her discretely.
3. Talk her into some sexual experimentation such as swinging, threesomes, etc.

dundealgan wrote:

Also for your 'sexual pleasure' you don't necessarily have to have full blown sex to be satisfied! I assure you that men can enjoy other things just as much!!

They're lying to you.

dundealgan

They're lying to you.

ok, i never said it was a substitute (just a variation!!), but you mean to say that it is not enjoyable when the other person knows what they are doing?

I was just offering an alternative as he says they dont often have sex cos she is usually in too much pain. This way his 'needs' are somewhat fulfilled!

If he decides to stay with her, and does not want to 'discreetly cheat' what options do you recommend he take regards fulfilling his needs TC???

If u say that men are lying about enjoying certain types of fulfillment, i'd be interested to know what other options you think this guy has?

azezil

Ah guys seriously, why bother with these pissy moany bleeders when there's plenty of other guys around who just want to shag... no touchy feely call ya in the morning silliness, you just fúck, everyone's happy!

Third_Echelon

azezil wrote:

Ah guys seriously, why bother with these pissy moany bleeders when there's plenty of other guys around who just want to shag... no touchy feely call ya in the morning silliness, you just fúck, everyone's happy!

Post of the Month? anyone?

The Corinthian

dundealgan wrote:

I was just offering an alternative as he says they dont often have sex cos she is usually in too much pain. This way his 'needs' are somewhat fulfilled!

Of course his needs may be related not to sex alone but to polygamous urges – not that he needs more sex with his gf, just that he needs sex with someone who isn’t his gf.

If he decides to stay with her, and does not want to 'discreetly cheat' what options do you recommend he take regards fulfilling his needs TC???

Read the options I gave. Actually, you could add a fourth of “grin, bare and take up a hobby to get your mind off it” - I wouldn’t recommend it though.

aliveandkicking

azezil wrote:

Ah guys seriously, why bother with these pissy moany bleeders when there's plenty of other guys around who just want to shag... no touchy feely call ya in the morning silliness, you just fúck, everyone's happy!

pure gold

Doper Than U

Oh God, that is a tough one. You love her, so cheating on her will probably make you sick to your stomach, (if it doesn't maybe you don't love her?). I woudn't advise cheating under any circumstances, not because it's wrong to have sex with loads of different people, but because every relationship is based on honesty and trust.

On the other hand, you are a young guy, and the urge is there, and you have every right to want to indulge it.

Is it possible for you to go abroad for six months (on an Erasmus type scheme, or work experience, or something)? Perhaps suggest a break for that period (if I was her, I wouldn't go for it, but that doesn't mean she won't be open to it, I know of other people who have done it successfully.) While you're away, shag your brains out. By the time you come back to your relationship with her you'll know soon if that was enough and you "got it out of your system", or whether you actually were better off apart.

I wish I had a decent suggestion for you. You seem like a great guy, I hope it works out.

embee

I think that you should break up with her. I know that your heart would be broken, and so would hers, but people the world over have to get over broken hearts every day and they manage to do it. After being in a relationship for six months, some people will start to do reality checks on where the relationship may or may not be going, and I think that perhaps in your own mind, you know that it doesn't realistically have a future. Particularly when the issue of having children is brought into the fore. It may not be an issue now, but if you stayed with her for a few years and started to feel like things were due to move on, the issue of possibly being childless for the rest of your life would start to play on your mind and cause feelings of bitterness, resentment. You seem like you have your head screwed on, and you are honest enough that you have urges to cheat on her.

Break up with her, out of respect for both you and her. If you were to cheat at some stage in your relationship, it would destroy both of you. Its not unheard of for people to get back together at some stage in the future anyways. It may well just be a case that ye have met too young.

Best of luck.

dundealgan

ok TC, on reading your first post again, i might agree with one of your solutions.... Maybe a break could be on the cards, but then there's the whole 'a break means you want to break up with me' speech! This poor chap really is between a rock and a hard place! I feel for him, i really do.

As for the sexual experimentation ie. swingers and stuff, its eh... different i suppose! Although if she cant handle sex with one person, how is she going to manage it with another, but thats a whole other issue!!

I am trying to base my suggestions on both points of view, there is the whole 'cruel to be kind theory' and i can see why people are advising that he end it now, before he is more involved and it will hurt more the longer he leaves it.

But he says he loves her and life without her seems tough. Now i know life goes on, there are more fish in the sea etc etc but he seems to have found a person he truly loves.

Maybe taking a break is the only plausible option, the OP will then be able to see if he can go on without her, and also see if he wants to be with other people! And if not, then i suppose he could go back to her.... if that option is still there.

Altheus

Thanks for all the responses! I've consider the swinging option, as my girlfriend used to experiment in the past, but for all her insecurities, I doubt she could bear seeing with anyone else, even if she was too. That would be a relationship killer straight up.

Discreetly cheating, is just that, cheating. Sure I can take that route, but what kind of person would that make me? Even in this weakness, it's not really okay.

So we're back to square one, to break up or not to break up. For now I've decided to stay in the relationship, perhaps experiment more sexually, skipping penetrative sex altogether, and seeing how long it can go on.

Taking a break wouldn't really work, I've gotta nomadic personality and will always get on no matter what I do, not matter how many heartstrings try to hold me back.

I think I've got to tell her these things, in a subtle way. Explain to her how I'm feeling, and why. Ask her how she's feeling about it etc... Maybe then we'll be able to sort it out. Right now I think the best thing for both of us is to just stay together and work through the problems.

MizzKattt

Altheus wrote:

I think I've got to tell her these things, in a subtle way. Explain to her how I'm feeling, and why. Ask her how she's feeling about it etc... Maybe then we'll be able to sort it out.

That is a very mature attitude. Honesty, whether kind or not, is generally the best policy. Perhaps she will present a solution you haven't thought of yet. Either way, if you love her, she deserves to know how you feel.

In my limited experience I have found that physical, mental, and emotional intimacy are what make a relationship. Without one of the three, the relationship has a tendency to sour. There are the rare occasions when people of extraordinary love and strength have beaten the odds; i.e. Christopher and Dana Reeves. It sounds as if you truly care for this girl. I hope it works out for you.

iguana

Have you considered counselling? I know it might seem a bit much but you're clearly unhappy. I know most people tend to think of counselling as the last resort of people in a **** 20 year marriage, but it doesn't have to be.
If you know you have problems now why wait until they grow? Wouldn't it make more sense to work on them right away. It could help you both be honest with each other in a way that you might not be if it was just the 2 of you. And it would help you both understand each other better. Perhaps be able to work on things to improve your relationship. And if it turned out that you couldn't work it out at least you would both know you had tried everything you could for each other.
It's not the cheapest way to spend an evening, but a session is roughly the cost of a meal in a restauraunt. I"ve done it in my relationship and it helped. We didn't have the same problems you do and nothing works the same for everyone but I'd recommend it.
Some of the cheaper places have long waiting lists so you and your gf could talk about it, sign up, and then have a few weeks to know if it was really for you.
Whatever you do good luck.

Musashi

If you want to have kids at some stage and it's not on the cards with this girl get out now.
It'll hurt but not as much as wondering "what if " in Ten years time.Do not make yourself unhappy to keep her happy,you will resent her and end up hating her and your life.
Make a clean break, be as honest as you need to be without wrecking the girl but do not forfeit your future for some notion of chivalry or because you are in love now.Who is to say you will never love again,with some one who can give you children if that is what you'd like?
Your life is too important to throw away because you don't want to hurt another person.