no title

Silent Grape

Tell me what you all think, thanks.


While i was listening
to the wind
rushing through the trees,

While i was looking
at the glimmer of stars
through the branches,

While i was feeling
the solid, wet earth
under my body,

While i felt
the wind
blow stray hairs from my face,

While the rain
flooded my eyes,
and ran down my face,

While i breathed
out air,
that was soft, and visible,

While i entwined
the long grass
in my fingers,

While i was remembering
somewhere else,
i was raped,
and now i cant remember -
anywhere else.

Tobias Greeshman

Not bad, like the sharp twist at the end... But quite honestly I wouldn't be a fan of the "While" starting every verse/stanza, it tends to become quite repetitive and boring... However the language that follows the "While" is quite good and if I were you Id use that as a base-point to improve this piece.

Just my opinion, feel free to disregard it!

MojoMaker

Careful with the subtle change of tense through the poem, from '...I was feeling..' to '...I felt'. A couple of times you've flipped which makes it harder to read the poem. It's not something I registered consciously but was wondering why it didn't ring right the first time I read it. Then I realised, I couldn't place you (the subject) at the scene. The change of tense abstracted it for me.*










* I may be the only one that this affects, in which case simply ignore it

solas

I think its perfect.

Skip

trust_no_one wrote:

Not bad, like the sharp twist at the end... But quite honestly I wouldn't be a fan of the "While" starting every verse/stanza, it tends to become quite repetitive and boring... However the language that follows the "While" is quite good and if I were you Id use that as a base-point to improve this piece.

Just my opinion, feel free to disregard it!

I was listening
To the wind
Rushing through the trees,

I was looking
At the glimmer of stars
Through the branches

I was feeling
The solid, wet earth
Under my body,

I felt
The wind
Blow stray hairs from my face,

The rain
Flooded my eyes
And ran down my face,

I breathed
Out air
That was soft and visible,

I entwined
The long grass
In my fingers,

I was remembering
Somewhere else
I was raped,
And now I can't remember -
Anywhere else.


yeah, certainly reads better, I'd also get rid of the first three stanzas, I think the images are not as powerful there as in the second half, they're too commonplace. I'd play with the anywhere/nowhere dimensions instead, maybe you could even get the temporal dimensions twisted somehow. I really like the last stanza.