The World according to Andy Rooney (60 Minutes)

Hobbes

The World according to Andy Rooney (60 Minutes)

On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put
advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with
my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You."


On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.


On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice
people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who
would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh'
of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
burn in 'Heck'?


On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning. We
can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, 'How can he want
me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.


On Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking.
Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask
someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that
when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your
hand...It won't be long now....


On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on
her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and
board to criminals. I think they should have to
run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
to the generator.

On Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They have awards for commercials.
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
there's always like 18% that say "I don't know.
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...
They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have
to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

On Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."

Blitzkrieger

not quite a lol but hehe?

C B

most definately a hearty lol

Cake Fiend

Quite a few minor lols

DeadBankClerk

lol has become a generic word for humour and no longer means laughs out loud...
do u ever laugh out loud on your own?

how about lil..
little internal laugh.

megs?

makes me grin slightly

---

- Dead Bank Clerk -
"All warfare is based on deception." "Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him." - Sun Tsu

Baz_

I think it's pretty funny meself.

and lers analyze the last one,

megs

M = makes
E = me????
G = grin
S = slightly

hmmmm??

DeadBankClerk

** posted 23-02-2001 02:12 AM **
gimme a break

---

- Dead Bank Clerk -
honey i pimped the kids
"All warfare is based on deception"
- Sun Tsu

Lump

I found them very funny, Nice Wan

John

Baz_

gimme a break

okay take ten minutes and no longer
bah dum dum kiish