Rules and Instructions on Being A Man!

the fnj · 26-01-2001 3:23pm #1

Rules and Instructions on Being A Man
1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to
let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you mailed it to them or already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about
it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what,
it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than
baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help ---
don't ask.
People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use
only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. THREE WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his
name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up
on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your
girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up
chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all
of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most
important
rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and
locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex
often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you
at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. LIE I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come
up
with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question:
"Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if
you
can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have
sexual meaning.
Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a
replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about
saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her
back... Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things.
You
know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't
see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your
actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex,
semen, etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without
virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play
with yourself.
Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get
to please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else,
don't say
anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love
with
YOU,
and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then
technically you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do
you have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't
know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember that every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around
until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours,
so
be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your
skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh
long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've
done
for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't
want to talk
to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually
ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad
at me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the
conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid
in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled
on
the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go
check
on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with
someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's
the one
who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty
girls on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your butt.
Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your
ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to
do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work,
go
ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't
know how
to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part.
If no
one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most
half-assed
way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?! I TOLD you I couldn't do it."
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Depeche
Mode, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.

Clan Acid

Paladin · 26-01-2001 6:20pm

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled
on
the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go
check
on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)</font>

Hilarious

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad
at me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
</font>

Very true. Used it meself