Finding out you have a half-sister!

kilman

My dad came over to my house yesterday.He was acting a little weird. He had an envelope in his hand addressed to him at his parents house(he hasn't lived there for almost 30 years-but his brother still lives there).
He handed it to me and asked me to read it.
As I started to read the three page letter I could see where it was going. It was a woman telling him that she was is daughter and hence my sister.
I was totally shocked.I'm in my late 20's and this girl was two years older than me.I tried to get answers from my father but he took a slightly offensive line.
All I know is that he was going out with a woman for 18mths or so, something happened between them,they separated and she went to London.At around the same time he found out she was pregnant. He says that he tried to locate the mother but couldn't(I'm not sure I believe this).
The following year he met my mother and I was born the year later.

I'm just not sure of how I feel about this. It felt quite surreal last night and I'm still quite numb about it. My younger sister of a year is delighted by the news(so my father states).

Why am I not over the moon?
How do you think you would feel if you heard this news?

seamus

I'm not sure, but I'd think that part of me would be quite shocked at the "dirty little secret" part of my father's life.

A lot of us grow up with romantic notions about our parents, and how they were infallible. Finding out about their own mistakes and humanness can come as quite a shock, particularly when it's something this huge.

I'd say it'll just take time to deal with what you've heard. Illusions have probably been shattered, you may feel lied to or cheated for not having been told about it before.

It happened to me on the flip side. I found out at the age of 16, that the man who I grew up with and pretended to be my father, actually wasn't. I tried to get in touch with my natural father, and I met him twice. That was 8 years ago. I tried to get in touch, but to no avail. And once when I was serving in a bar, I actually served him. And he didn't recognise me.
I would tell you to embrace this new sister. I have 3 half brothers I've never met and would love to.

karlh

not just Hoffites, myself and Smut have similar stories.

the latest chapter of mine was meeting my half sibling's half siblings. work it out on paper if you have to

to cut a long one short, i basically have a new brother 6 months younger than me who i have only known for the last year and a bit. we get on like a house on fire and are best mates.

life is too short to feel anything but curious and happy that things have been shaken up. there is nothing at all negative about this news so go with it!

shiz like this just makes life more interesting. you might even get a new friend out of it!

Sleepy

You do realise that a new sister comes with new mates for you to score?

A.S.H.

I too have a similar story, I was adopted at birth and was told this when I was five so I grew up knowing that I had another mother out there. Then a few years ago got in contact ( was on the list with the agency and then she also went looking for me) We exchanged letters and then arranged a meet up. but in the letters I found out that she had married (another man my birth father was a one night stand) and had six other kids (bit of shock that as I had grown up in a family with one other sibling) I have since met them all and while didn't really talk with most (they were busy) did meet up with my eldest half sister (she was 19) and went and had a few drinks and got on great. They live in another county so I don't see them really and continue life as usual but it was good to meet up and I'm glad I did. Also I was led to believe that my birth father had two other kids with someone else so they are out there somewhere

CathyMoran

A close friend of mine sent a letter similar to the original posters sister to his mum. His mums family are still adjusting - it does take time. In the end do not take it out on your new sister and please forgive your dad, it was a long time ago.

I found out several years ago that I might have an additional aunt or uncle but was not able to trace them (my grandparent was dead). My parent did not take it well but I am still searching for my relative and would give anything to find them. The past is the past, but the idea of finding a new relative gives me great joy.

bunnicans

its going to b tough to adjust but i think everyone is right.just take each day as it comes and when and if you feel comfortable about it everything will be ok.cathymoran is right though,forgive your dad, we all do things we regret.

The_Conductor

Kilman - I might be able to give a little perspective to the other side.

I'm also adopted, and sought, and following a long and arduous search (which lasted several years), managed to locate my mother. I wrote her a letter, not dissimilar to the one your older sister wrote to your father, and was so worried about what the reception the letter would have.

I did not know whether I had siblings- full siblings, half siblings or otherwise. I hoped I did, but never allowed myself to dream that I did.

My Mother told some of the children about me- and their reactions were not dissimilar to yours. My eldest brother was not a happy puppy at all, some of my younger siblings were ambigious but some were thrilled.

I was over the moon to discover I had half-brothers and sisters.

Personally I think that my eldest brother was put in a strange situation- a stranger from nowhere suddenly turning up, and he is no longer the eldest child anymore? In my case it was a little worse- Mum had called him the same name as she had called me (something that I feel very very strange about).

Because of the lack of enthusiam on the part of some of my siblings (this is a rather big understatement, that I do not want to go into), since I found my Mum 18 months ago, I have not gotten to meet any of them, and while I am thrilled to have half-brothers and sisters, imagining what they look like, visions of seeing them standing there for the first time- just sitting talking, but with my own brothers and sisters- these are all things that go through my mind- and all things that I have no idea whether they will ever come to pass.

I do have an adoptive family- loads of brothers and sisters, of whom I am the only adopted one. They mean more to me than words can ever tell. But they are not natural family members, and I cannot relate to some things that most people take for granted.

I think your sister will be thrilled to discover you and your siblings. I know you probably feel weird about the situation- possibly angry with your Dad? Confused? Hurt in some way?

You have a new sister- my congratulations!

Alanna

I have a little girl who has three half sisters and a half brother, not all from the same mum and it breaks my heart to see the negative reaction that one or two of the siblings have had towards her.

She is a completely innocent member of quite a complicated scenario but will be brought up to recognise the best qualities of all her brothers and sisters as I know from personal experience that having a positive relationship with siblings can enhance your life enormously.

I urge anyone who finds themselves with previously unknown brothers and sisters to forget about the 'sins of our fathers' and just get on with knowing the people who make up your family, after all they didn't ask to be born.

climaxer

kilman wrote:

My dad came over to my house yesterday.He was acting a little weird. He had an envelope in his hand addressed to him at his parents house(he hasn't lived there for almost 30 years-but his brother still lives there).
He handed it to me and asked me to read it.
As I started to read the three page letter I could see where it was going. It was a woman telling him that she was is daughter and hence my sister.
I was totally shocked.I'm in my late 20's and this girl was two years older than me.I tried to get answers from my father but he took a slightly offensive line.
All I know is that he was going out with a woman for 18mths or so, something happened between them,they separated and she went to London.At around the same time he found out she was pregnant. He says that he tried to locate the mother but couldn't(I'm not sure I believe this).
The following year he met my mother and I was born the year later.

I'm just not sure of how I feel about this. It felt quite surreal last night and I'm still quite numb about it. My younger sister of a year is delighted by the news(so my father states).

Why am I not over the moon?
How do you think you would feel if you heard this news?

Well I met my half brother for the first time during the summer. I'm around two years older than him. It was very weird and if I'm really honest I didn't feel any connection but he was really nice. My story is that my Mam dated my biological Father for 4.5yrs and were even engaged until I was six months but he started acting the D8ckhead (in my Mam's own words) ie. not calling up when he said he would etc. and expecting my Mam to do ALL the babysitting so they split up. He then met his current wife shortly after and married within a year or so and had their first son (the one I met). Larry (my biological Dad - sorry but thats the only way I see him) paid maintenance as my Mam brought him to court but never asked to see me. I tried to contact him a few years ago and actually went out to the pub he manages and he served me - very weird experience. He said he knew I was Gemma and that I was the image of my Grandad (ie his Dad) and took my mobile no. and said he'd keep in touch but never did. I was a bit upset at first but now it doesn't bother me at all. He has two other children - one other half brother I've never met and one daugher who I see everyday but she don't know who I am. I've yet to get the courage to approach her. In saying all this its more curiousity and the most I can see myself getting from my half siblings is a friendship as I don't think that connection can be made when you didn't grow up together eg. my uncle is 8 years older than me and he considers me his little sister. My advice would be to meet your half sister and not to expect too much and hope you can be friends at least.

ionapaul

Interesting thread. I too am adopted, but feel very differently about it than most here. I am in my late 20s and have no interest in searching for any biological relatives. I certainly wouldn't consider my biological parents as mother or father figures, given that they had nothing to do with my upbringing. My Dad would like to meet my biological mother to thank her for giving birth to me, but I am EXTREMELY opposed to this and don't want this to happen. Someone biologically related to me trying to make contact out-of-the-blue would literally shock my world and would really upset me.
I wouldn't mind finding out some biological family history for clues into my future health and well-being, though.

kilman

My father and sister are going to visit her at the end of this month.

My father told my mother about it and she seemed ok.She didn't want him to tell any of the "other" children-I dont know why

Anyway shes a drunk and got p**sed at the weekend and got the letter from the daugher and rang her up giving her all sorts of abuse.She then started beating in to my father-I only got a brief run down on the phone today.Hes coming over to me tonight.

I suppose at the back of mind I knew this behaviour was going to present itself from my mother and was fearful of it. It must have been very upsetting for this girl to her fathers wife saying nasty things.
She even took my fathers passport and driving licence to hinder him travelling to see her.
What a fruitcake of a mother?

Beruthiel

kilman wrote:

What a fruitcake of a mother?

indeed she is
is she seeing a professional for her problem?

kilman

indeed she is
is she seeing a professional for her problem?

Beruthiel,
no she isn't .
Thats the way our family has been for years.
She hates my partner and my kids.(She has said before that shed love to get a slap at them).Before we moved in together she used to ring her up at 3/4am drunk and be nasty on the phone to her.
She hates my sisters kids and her partner but has some time for my sister.

I havent talk to her in over a year. The last time I saw her I told her she was a bully and that she was the reason for my problems...rough I know

Beruthiel

not rough, you were right to say it, I'm sorry to hear that, not everyone deserves to be a mother

have you come to any conclusion yourself with regards to your half sister?

kilman

Beruthiel,
I'd say today is the first day that I dont feel total shock when I think about it.
It would be good to have someone to chat to about it. My partner gets a little angry at my attitude. She thinks that I should be happy about it.

I myself feel that this person is a stranger.We may have similar genetic make ups but otherwise have nothing in common.What is there to be happy about?

I will see how the meeting at the end of feb goes.Perhaps then I may text her/write to her.

K

Beruthiel

kilman wrote:

Beruthiel,
I'd say today is the first day that I dont feel total shock when I think about it.

well news like this will take time to digest, you just need to take it at your own pace

It would be good to have someone to chat to about it. My partner gets a little angry at my attitude. She thinks that I should be happy about it

well that's cos looking at it from the outside, it's hard to see the problem - if it was happening to your partner, she may see it a bit differently.

I myself feel that this person is a stranger.We may have similar genetic make ups but otherwise have nothing in common. What is there to be happy about?

there's nothing to be unhappy about either... what's the worst that can happen after all?
looking at it from your half sisters point of view, she must be more than a bit curious to see what people are like that she is related to, I know I would be in her situation
anyway, don't put yourself under any pressure, it will happen when you are ready.

daddy's girl

i klnow how u feel.
in case, the half sister is just 2years old! i have a younger sister who is just 21 i'm two yrs older, i have a married sister, and the oldest is my brother who is 30 yr. wen found out on christmas morning just this last one. so hows that for a bomber? there nothing we could do, we just had to live with, its wat going on in the future that u have to deal with and worry about okay.