Controlling Mother

LegacyUser

Ok i seem to always have this argument with my mother every few weeks and i've just had it again.

Basically my mother keeps telling what time i can go to bed even tho i just recently turned 18. Normally she just lets me go to bed whenever she wants but occasionally she'll notice that i haven't gone to bed untill 5am with college the next morning. Fair enough but i can function perfectly fine with 3 hours sleep as long as i'm not doing it every night. I just want to feel like i can make these decisions about my own body myself and not have someone dictace them to me.

Normally i'm on the PC until said time. Ok so, example of what just happened tonight. She starts getting pissy about me having music on this late which is fair enough so i turn it down until it's bearly audible. She still tells me to turn it off or wear headphones. I say no because the headphones i have here are so bloody uncomfortable. So then she says 'well that's going off when I go to bed.' So right I think that's fair enough, just to give me some peace and quite. But then as she's walking out of the room (the kitchen) she mentions that she wants the PC off too. I say no as I like being on it untill i feel tired enough to go to bed.

This makes her go off on a rant 'well it's either that or your net gets disconnected'. That argument annoys me so much as she always uses it as justification for everything, or rather bribery for everything just to try and control me to do what she wants. I say to her well i'd like to think that i can decide when i go to bed after all it is my body. And she comes back with something like 'but it's not normal'. I tell her that normality doesn't exist... that each person's definition of normality is different so there's no one true meaning. My mother doesn't understand, or want to understand this tho. She's not the brightest person on the planet (can be quite stupid at times actually). Keeps coming back with the 'it's not normal thing'. Then I tell her that if i'm not on the pc i'm normally watching tv untill this time anyways. Then she says that she doesn't care about me watching tv. So then i ask her 'well how is u wanting me off the pc got to do with when i sleep?'. She doesn't reply. Then i say something like 'See? Yer not replying because you know i'm onto something.' Then she says 'Ohh being online during all hours is not normal.' I happily inform her that i'm "normally" chatting away very happily to other people over MSN at said times. Then she mentions a friend of mine saying 'I bet friend X's mother doesn't let him stay up all night'. (Jesus what am i... 12?). And i reply with 'Errrh... more often than not i've been sitting here at 3 or 4 in the morning talking to him online mam.' Then she says 'yeah but i bet he's not allowed on the PC untill that time'. (See what i mean about the stupidity?) I then tell her that MSN is a chat program thing on the net. Then she just cuts it down 'Ok look you're coming off it when i go to bed and that's it, right?' She then mentions about wasting the electricity, so i tell her that i'll pay for whatever units i use up from being on the pc, from being in the room (light) and having the pc on (screen, box, stereo system as speaker setup) etc. Eventually after just asking why she wants this all of the time... seeing as there's no real logical reason for it, it always, ALWAYS comes down to the typical perental reasoning of 'Because i said so'.

Jesus christ. Whenever we have this argument I end up feeling like such a child. And this frustrates me so much at times that i just want to cry. I'm 18 ffs, an adult in the eyes of... well everyone with sense, and the law. Yes i'm still being told by my mother when to go to bed. This aint the only example of the kind of pissy little arguments we have but it's the most recent i've had (ie about 10 minutes ago).

How do I make her see sense? Is there any way, short of moving out, that I can stop this ****e from going on? I'd move out only I don't have the finances for it at the moment with college and the like...

Sleepy

Your living under her roof. I'm guessing she pays the bills so you have a certain obligation to live by her rules. Sounds like she knows you're browsing porn all night and doesn't want you at it in her house.

Move out, get your own net connection and you can stay up surfing to whatever hour you like.

Beruthiel

as sleepy said, you are living under her roof you abide by her rules, if you don't like it you can leave.
fyi
your mother will always see you as a kid, even if you are 50 years of age you will still be a kid to her at times.
when you are out in the world and have survived for X amount of time, perhaps she will start to see that you are an adult then.
btw
though you will not wish to hear this, your rant above shows you are far from that yet and have still a lot of growing up to do. I would have cut your broadband supply well by now.
I also think that you have little respect for a woman who has brought you into this world, put a roof over your head and given you the best that she can. I'd go as far as to say you are selfish and childish and need to take a long look at yourself.

Evil Phil

Move out. Getting out into the big bad world will do you the world of good, as Beruthiel said you have a lot of growing up to do.

Gilgamesh

the way you are arguing actually makes you sound like a child,imo.
if you have only just turned 18, then both of you are still running on the old routine, give it time and don't try to confront her about these matters, respect what she says, and don't start a hissy fit because of these little things.
I agree with sleepy aswell, you are living at her place, so accept her rules.
3 hours sleep isn't enough for anybody by the way, okay, every now and then, but remember, that while sitting in front of a computer for that long, you will wreck your eyes aswell.



if you have broadband, then I guess it is okay to be online that long, if you have a dialup connection it could get quite expensive, and if she is paying the bills, then it's understandable.
maybe you have to prove to her still, that you are old enough to make these decision.

Hippo

Hi confused,

I think Beruthiel is a little harsh on you, to say the least. It's hard for some parents to give up control of their kids as they get older. I know plenty of parents who wish their kids were still at the stage where they did exactly what they were told even if they didn't always like it. Parents have to realise that their small kids turn into teenagers and then into young adults and that things have to change in line with that. It's no good as a parent if you keep trying to impose rules that no longer have any relevance to the situation, 'because I said so' etc. Just because your mother/father raised you, clothed you, fed you and (hopefully) loved you doesn't give them a divine right to tell you how to live your life, even if you live under their roof. Those are just the standard parental obligations! They have to learn to accommodate a young adult as well, a home is not just some organisational unit!
Try talking to your mother about how you feel at some non-confrontational time, not in the middle of a row, but maybe at some quiet time during the day. Work out what you're going to say first and don't be aggressive, just say your piece. If she doesn't respond in kind, and this might take some time, there's not a lot you can do but accept that things won't change. And don't mind Beruthiel saying you're too young to be responsible because of your response, some of us have unfortunately held on to our adolescent anger well into our middle age! By the way, I have two kids, aged 19 and 16. Good luck....

Beruthiel

Hippo wrote:

even if you live under their roof. Those are just the standard parental obligations! They have to learn to accommodate a young adult as well, a home is not just some organisational unit!

well that's where we differ I'm afraid, if you don't like the way your parents do things you put up or you move out, you do not expect them to accommodate you, which is quite different from them willing to do so...

And don't mind Beruthiel saying you're too young to be responsible because of your response

I do not recall saying he was not responsible?

pickarooney

confusedchild wrote:

(Jesus what am i... 12?)

That's exactly the question that ocurred to me reading your immature, incoherent rant.
Make an effort to act a bit more grown-up, take some responsibility and perhaps she'll start to treat you more like an adult.
Whether you like it or not, regularly staying online until 5am is not a good habit. If you can't even understand why she's worried about you, how can you hope to make her see 'reason'?
I assume she's at least partly funding your college education? Would it be unreasonable to assume that she expects you to return the favour by taking it seriously and getting some sleep (and letting the rest of your family sleep) once in a while?
FFS, you won't even have the courtesy to wear headphones because "wah, wah, they're all uncomfortable". A good kick up the arse would probably be uncomfortable as well, but I daresay you could use one.

Gilgamesh

good point Ber and Pick, agree to 90%
also, if you are allready offering to pay for the electricity, why don't you either offer to pay some sort of rent to them, would give you more priviledges then, and maybe help you grow up more, since you seem to be 'stuck' at home.
just think, it is not just electricity in the house you are using, but also food, cleaning stuff, do you even help around the house at all?
If not, then, seeing you are considering yourself an adult, you should take up the responsibility of one.
I bet you are also still stuck in old habits, not just your mum.

PaddyjDunne

spoilt brat and kevin the teenager pop to mind when I read you post mate. If I was you, move out and get a big tall glass of grow-the-****-up-juice.

Gilgamesh

PaddyjDunne wrote:

spoilt brat and kevin the teenager pop to mind when I read you post mate. If I was you, move out and get a big tall glass of grow-the-****-up-juice.

very helpful

koneko

I've known people in this situation, and a crucial question here aswell is (besides all the interesting points people made already), do you go to college when you're meant to, and are you doing reasonably well?
People I know in your type of situation usually don't bother going to school/college, and have no motivation to change that. If that is the case, that might help to explain your mother's concerns aswell.

A lot of people claim they can get by on 3 hours sleep, but most people can't. It takes it's toll on your body after a while.

Hippo

Beruthiel,
Sorry, I didn't have your post open when I was replying, hence my mistake. You said that confused's 'rant' shows that she is not yet an adult. That may well be so, but as long as her mother treats her like a little kid that will take a long time to change. She's not operating in a vacuum. As regards moving out, that might not be an option if she's a student, and it is up to the 'adult' to move their relationship forward a little.
All I'm saying is that the parent/child relationship should be capable of a little dynamism, it shouldn't be set in stone. If Confused sounds a bit immature, then her Mother frankly does too. I'm a bit surprised by the way in which most on this thread seem so quick to throw stones, 'get out', 'grow up' and so on. Now that's really not very constructive. Did you all have miserable childhoods, I ask patronisingly.

Evil Phil

Hippo wrote:

Did you all have miserable childhoods, I ask patronisingly.

What has that got to do with anything on this thread?

TBH it sounds like most the conflict is coming from ConfusedChild. Even his choosen handle suggests he sees himself as a child. Yes, it is up to the adult to move the relationship on, but which one? My take on it is that to date there is only one adult in the relationship, the mother. ConfusedChild needs to start setting things like college as a higher priority than sitting on the net until 5 in the morning. When his mother see's him doing things like that then I'd guess she will move the relationship on (I'm guessing she'd be happy to do it). There is no reason for her to do this now, he's not acting like an adult or giving her any reason to feel she should.

gazzer

you said that your mother didnt want you having the pc on but she doesnt mind you having the tv on.. Maybe it is a case of your mother thinks you could be looking at all sorts on the PC and doesnt want that. I can understand that... Im 30 (dont live at home) and my mother still worries about me when i go out at night (even though i have lived away from home since i was 19), its just the way mothers are.. she is concerned for you. Instead of having this argument with your mother when it is bed time why not sit down with her one day (maybe after dinner) and ask her what exactly is she worried about.

Hippo

Evil,

You're guessing the mother is ready to move the relationship on. How do you know this? Has she tried to yet? This may be difficult, but speaking (again) as a parent, it is up to the parent to make the first move here, as they're supposed to be the 'adult'. Sometimes they actually are! Kids don't magically turn into adults overnight by getting older.

My question as to whether some of you had terrible childhoods was meant semi-humourously for which I of course profoundly apologise. And it has everything to do with this thread, there's a **** load of anger in some of these replies.

Peace

Get a job, part time or whatever.

Pay rent.

Buy your own computer (i assume thats a family pc). Get your own connection, and pay for it.

Get headphones that are not uncomfortable so all you have to say is "yeah sure, no problem" when your mother starts on about the music.

Moving out would be a bit of a last resort TBh. i know a lot of posters are advising you to go that route but you'll be throwing thousands of euro away each year on rent.... you might as well throw the money into the liffey. Initially this money is expendable, but further down the road when you have to produce 20/30k on a downpayment for a house it would be very hard to do that when paying rent at the same time. To go home again after living under your own rules for any length of time would be very very painful.

Do your best to remove any leverage she has over you. This will require some growing up.

If you really don't want to live by your mothers rules then you gotta go.

the_syco

Your up till 5am? Cut it back to 1am or 2am, and they'll moan less.

Ya see, mothers usually worry about ye, and she's proberly worrying that you "won't reach your full potential" if you don't get enuf sleep, etc, while @ school/college/etc.

As B said, she's your mum, your living under her roof, so compramise, and it'll make the years at college easier.

**NOTE** If you do this, she'll moan about something else, but unless you compramise a little bit, your gonna be f3ckered.

Evil Phil

Hippo wrote:

Evil,

You're guessing the mother is ready to move the relationship on. How do you know this? Has she tried to yet? This may be difficult, but speaking (again) as a parent, it is up to the parent to make the first move here, as they're supposed to be the 'adult'. Sometimes they actually are! Kids don't magically turn into adults overnight by getting older.

My question as to whether some of you had terrible childhoods was meant semi-humourously for which I of course profoundly apologise. And it has everything to do with this thread, there's a **** load of anger in some of these replies.

I don't know she's ready to move the relationship on, that's why its a guess. I'd imagine she'd like her little boy to start acting his age. I haven't seen any evidence from his posts that he is. He's acting like a spoilt child. If I'm wrong about her then fair enough, he is acting like a spoilt child though.

ferdi

Evil Phil wrote:

Move out.

it worked for me

Hippo

'acting like a spoilt child'? and whose fault is that? Kids 99.99% of the time 'grow up' in a form created by the actions and responses of their parents from the time they were born, no-one else has more influence. This is real basic stuff. The 'spoilt child' doesn't appear from outer space. There has to be honest open dialogue between parent and child from an early age. Telling a 'spoilt child' to 'grow up' isn't very useful, you might as well tell them that a spell in the army would do them the world of good, or that they didn't get clipped over the ear enough. Getting the parent and child to talk properly for once might be some good. Or maybe it won't go anywhere.
As befits my advanced age I'm now retiring from this thread. All the best.

Evil Phil

/me pats out singeing eyebrows

As I said before ConfusedChild. Move out and find out what the world is really like; time to take responsibility for yourself.

neuro-praxis

I say don't move out.

Who are all these people who moved out at 18 and supported themselves?? During my years at college I am the only person I have ever come across who did this. I am sure that some of you exist out there but it is very unlikely that all of you shouting "Grow up! Move out! Take responsibility!" were financially supporting themselves at 18. It is not easy and I personally don't recommend it. Yeah sure, living on your own is fun, but the novelty quickly wears off when you're working yourself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion and eating noodles every day.

If your parents are willing to pay your rent or for your food or whatever then yeah sure go ahead, move out, but if you've got to look after yourself financially, your studies and your health will probably suffer.

My advice:

1. Wear your earphones and apologise when she complains about the noise. It is your mother's home; not yours.

2. Get a part time job and pay part of the household bills. This won't kill you and your mother will appreciate it.

3. Make a compromise. Get offline at 1am. You are obviously addicted to the net. Hey we've all been there. But nip it in the bud. Once you get used to limiting your time online, it gets easier. Sort yourself out and limit seriously late nights to something worthwhile like a good night out.

4. Suck it up. Your mother is not perfect. You don't have a fantastic relationship with her. But this is a two way street. But she deserves your respect and until you are able to cope in life without her, you must deal with your situation as best you can.

5. Additional generic wizened patronising advice.

Evil Phil

The reason I'm telling him to move out is because he will quickly realise how good he had it at home. But I do agree with you neuro - I moved out when I was 19 and it was tough but in this case tough will be good for him.

Beruthiel

I also moved out at 19 and took care of myself from the word go, anything is possible when your back is to the wall

Seraphina

yeah but im betting rent wasn't quite as high when you moved out beruthiel. and especially if he's in dublin, its almost impossible to move out and attend college and get your work done and work enough hours to pay rent (believe me, i've worked it out)

at the end of the day, there's **** all you can do about it. dont stay up so late. she's hardly being controlling, not wanting you up til 5am on the pc is perfectly reasonable. if she was dictating your every move i'd complain. show responsibility. get your work done and make an effort in college. my mum doesn't mind what i do any more (although she does worry) because she knows i take care of what needs to be done. i work hard in college and at home and she sees this, so she doesn't bother me when i want to do my thing. however if you're doing nothing but your own thing (and it sounds like that alright) she has every right to demand you get off yer ****in ass and do something productive :P

CuLT

You're in a tight situation, you're going to have to get a part time job of some sort, buy your own computer etc as was suggested.
Obviously you made the initial post in the heat 10 minutes after an argument and I think the people here who have called you immature should get a reality check and have a bit of compassion.
(as Hippo suggests, there seems to be a bitter tone in some replies, implying the old "I never had it that easy" rubbish)
I had a situation brewing when I was about 16-17 where I was spending a huge amount of time on the computer, and a lot of time online. I was taking up time on the computer that I had convinced my parents to get and nobody else got to use it much.

This annoyed the hell out of everyone, and eventually I had to make a change. I picked up a part time job and bought myself a new pc when I was 17.
This really is key to it; or was for me. First it shows the folks that you're responsible enough to get a job and start paying your way to an extent, it shows this is something you're willing to get off your arse for too
This all combines into opening new areas for respect and a better relationship with your parents. I know I'm lucky to have the relationship with my parents that I do, hell, I spent a long time convincing them that they would really appreciate broadband (which they now do).

Really, the worst thing you can be about this is antagonistic or especially sulky. I'd recommend cutting back on the late nights for the moment (you can haggle that at a later stage) and work on being entirely calm and composed when discussing anything with your mother. You might consider yourself getting stonewalled for a while, but she'll likely start to feel a bit silly if you're entirely reasonable about things (and I mean 'sound' reasonable).

It's odd that she says that your friend "isn't up to this hour" sort of stuff though, it was the opposite way around when I was 15 or so, "All my friends are on really late though" , "I don't care how late your friends are on, this is not their house".
Just an interesting aside.

I had a flash of horror for a moment where I thought Hippo was actually MY mother posting Similar viewpoints, I have a good, honest and open relationship with my mother.

Hippo

Cult, in spite of my keeness to discover my feminine side, I'm definitely the wrong sex to be your mother!

CuLT

haha. Oops

embee

A couple of things, really.

1. You don't seem to have any respect for your mother. She may infuriate you and annoy you (all mammies do from time to time), but you are on here calling her stupid? I'm willing to wager she's not stupid. She's probably worrying for your long term health, worrying that you not getting enough sleep will eventually impact on you. Also, she's probably slightly miffed at the music playing after she goes to bed. My own mother is the same. She's a light sleeper and the slightest sound will wake her, and its pretty selfish of you to sit there and say that "I'm not going to wear my earphones because they're uncomfortable". If you don't wear them, she may have to end up wearing earplugs to get a good nights sleep. Thats not fair on her at all. My own mam doesnt like me being online late at night because she is aware of me being downstairs til all hours, and worries that I wont be able to get up etc. You live with people, you have to show consideration to them and contribute to the harmony of the house. Even if its your parents. They still deserve to be treated with a bit of respect.

2. You said "Whenever we have this argument I end up feeling like such a child". The only reason that you end up feeling like that is because you are acting like one in the first place. Your mother should be able to have a reasonable, adult conversation with you, but it seems she has to resort to "treating you like a child". In my opinion, she only does that because you give her nothing else to work with.

nesf

Well on the whole wearing headphones thing, get used to it. I have to wear headphones after a certain time if i'm still up, since my flatmates need their sleep. Until you can afford your own house or apartment you'll have to learn to compromise, and believe me that it's easier to compromise with family than people that just live with you. They don't owe you anything and don't need to coddle your less reasonable wishes if they don't want to.

As for moving out? I definitely don't think he sounds ready. If he reacts like this to his mother can you imagine him with his first bad flatmate? It'd be comical. Plus yes there is an argument for supporting one's self, but not all parents allow it. Mine were very stringent on supporting me in college, they come from the school of thought that you'll do better in college if you're not working, tbh I'm not sure, all my friends who worked part-time had better discipline, hmm. Sorry went off on a tangent.

To the original poster, you need to learn to compromise mate, otherwise living with others will be hell for you. I started out stubborn but I learned very quickly how to live with people, it was too painful otherwise.

Slutmonkey57b

Get your own back.

Typedef her sister.

ShevY

as someone else said,

get a part time job, buy ur own computer, buy decent headphones, pay for ur own net connection.

solved the problem for me, they couldnt say anything :]

otherwise, as long as ur mother pays the bills etc. you cant complain...

RicardoSmith

Basically cop youself on!