Advice, similar stories..

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance because this will probably be a long one..

Long time lurker, first time poster, going unreg because I'm known from other forums.

I met this guy about 7 years ago, and what can I say we got on like a house on fire, even as far as eventually going down in flames! It was a real quickfire romance, within a year we had moved in together, within 2 we were engaged, and then it kind of stalled. We were still living together but the pressures of life were wearing us down. Both working full-time and studying at night, we started to see less and less of each other. Eventually it got to the stage where we were both a little bored and tired of being together and it had almost become a habit. Even then though the chemistry between us was electric, and we had some great times together, unfortunately when it was bad it was really bad. I still say I had the happiest and most miserable time of my life when I was with him...

Anyway towards the end I was using the internet and chat rooms a lot and met this other guy online, chatted to him for months and we really got on as friends more than anything. One night I decided to meet him for a drink, had a great laugh but nothing happened. I felt really guilty about it and within a couple of weeks I had ended my realtionship, thinking that I if I could have fun and consider being with someone else then it wasn't right for me.

I started seeing this other guy then (the online guy from above) fairly shortly after the original relationship ended, and although he was crazy about me I just didn't feel right and after a couple of months I pushed him away completely. I think it was too soon after my other relationship and I didn't give myself a break.

Anyway I'm now living with someone else and we've been together for a couple of years. Again he's fantastic, loyal, supportive and caring but I just can't stop thinking about my original guy. The spark I had isn't there with my current bf, and although we get on well and have our fights (like everyone else) I can't help thinking that maybe I shouldn't be here at all, I should be on my own or trying again with my ex...

A big part of me thinks I'm looking at the situation with rose tinted glasses, but another part thinks that because I'm afraid I'm looking at it with rose tinted glasses I'm stuck in limbo, not willing to do what I think is best in case I make a mistake...

I feel like I'm going round in circles and it's starting to affect my entire life, I'm angry, frustrated and depressed and I know that it's being led from this. I'll go from "I'm dumping him" to "I'm going to do my best to make it work" to "I'm dumping him and trying to get my ex back" without ever really committing to any of them..I don't even know if my ex would take me back, he was heartbroken at the time and I'm not sure if he would be willing to put himself through it again. I find myself thinking more and more about him as time goes on, but how much of that is through a real desire to get back with him and how much of it is just unhappiness in general with my life as it is.

My bf is hinting at marraige and settling down, and I really feel it's coming to make or break time. I would love to get married, but only if it's the right thing and at the moment I'm just not sure..

Anybody else been in this kind of situation? how did you get through it..

CathyMoran

Tough call - chemistry does not last forever, in the end a deep and loving friendship takes over. I was head over heals in love with a guy 7.5 years ago - the chemistry was out of this world but I ended it before giving it a chance. I always had a niggling doubt about leaving someone with which I had such great sparks (it was good and bad also). I met someone shortly afterwards who was kind and caring but no sparks but I always had the niggling doubt... for various reasons this relationship did not work out and I bumped into "him" again (was always a penfriend) and guess what, I felt nothing... these are just my experiences but rose coloured glasses may apply here? Feel free to PM me.

The Sweeper

My bf is hinting at marraige and settling down, and I really feel it's coming to make or break time. I would love to get married, but only if it's the right thing and at the moment I'm just not sure..

You don't just "get married".

In 99.99% of cases, I think you'll find that one tends to get married to somebody.

If you'd like a big day out with a posh frock, throw a party. If you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with someone, marry them.

From the sounds of it, your current boyfriend is a "party" kind of guy.

Kell

Sounds to me like you went from one heavy long term relationship into another without any time out and head space for yourself. You cant get to know what you really want out of life with someone taking up 60-80% of your time as living together couples do. Its no wonder you feel angry and frustrated.

A colleague has a great saying. Take time out and develop your relationship with yourself before consdering a relationship with someone else. You filled the gap your ex left behind with someone else before deciding what it was you really wanted.

K-

Etain

Could it be that you drift into these relationships without having any serious feelings for the men? Life isn't always exciting. Jobs, laundry, cooking,etc... Any long term relationship requires attention to make it work. Both people must be committed to making it work.
Don't marry your current guy unless you are sure that you have real feelings for hime. If he's at all decent, he deserves someone who is sure and who isn't on the watch for someone else. Like the others mentioned, maybe it would be good for you to be on your own for a while to decide what you want, what you need.... Truly there are worse things than being on your own.

silly

i was going out wit a guy about 5 years ago, things were great wit us, he was a sweet heart, i started college then and i was moving from home, i was young and wanted to enjoy my college/single life, so i finished it, we were both very upset. then i met a guy at college and we had a son a few years later, things were great there for ages too, but i always had feelings for my ex, eventually me and my sons father finished and i moved home, only to find my ex engaged to a girl i used to be friends with. they are married now,i was even at the wedding, but everytime i'm out we chat and get on great, he keeps telling me how much i hurt him and saying that he knows that if i hadnt finished wit him that time years ago, then we would be married now.

Evil Phil

I think you already have your answers. He's hinting at marriage and you're not into it. When I was in a similar* situation I had to be honest with myself and then her. I broke if off with her but if I hadn't then I was denying both of us a chance for the best relationship possible.

*Not marriage, babies.

stratos

Wow and I thought the mustard thread was interesting?

Beruthiel

stratos wrote:

Wow and I thought the mustard thread was interesting?

stratos
please read this forums charter with regards to comments like this
B

stratos

beruthiel. You do your posters a disservice. You assumed sarcasm on my behalf. None was intended. Or meant. I find the diversity of people amazing, in that they are passionate about a condiment. I am passionate about many things people would find stoopid. I actually enjoyed the mustard thread and found this one amazing. In how open and honest people were about there feelings. Breathe of fresh air really.