ex-wife trouble

Winnie

i have been on here before about me in love woth a man who is seperated with kids ands basically he decided to move down near me and try make it work, he talked to his ex-wife and she said it was fine, but then he went to talk to her yesterday to finalise everything and she basically done a complete 180 and changed her mind on the whole thing and said he is not going anywhere so he can look after kids. but he would not be that far away and is just being awkward as she gets liek that sometimes. should he just tell her he needs his own life too and its not very fair on him. they both need to move on regardless of me or not!!

StupidLikeAFox

And your question is?

seamus

How can she stop him from going anywhere?

Winnie

she might try threaten him with not seeing the kids. And ColHol dont appreciate messages like that thanks very much!

Sleepy

My advice is to ge uninvolved here as soon as possible. You're unneccessarily complicating an already complicated situation and it can only end up with you getting hurt. Get out while you can.

Nuttzz

Winnie, at 25 you honestly have to ask yourself do you really need all this sh1t in your life. He's moving away from where his kids are to be with a younger woman, that never sits comfortably with any woman. On her "side" there will be plenty of voices telling her that she will be left with the kids & on the shelf while he is off with his "bit of stuff" living it up. Her reaction isnt surprising, she is going to make sure he life is as hard as possible which only rubs off on you.

/edit: since there are only seperated, she is still his wife, she aint an ex-wife yet. I am sure this is a major factor in her thinking.

Nevyn

First off any arrangements he makes with His Ex about His
Are for him to sort out. Yes it seems that you want to be apart of his life
So you are going to have to learn to live it.

I doubt his Ex ever wanted to be a single parent and you have to understand she is upset over how her life now is. You have to allow her that and listen when he gives out but not take it on to yourself it is his problem with his family.

Go talk to someone, seriously there are family mediation centers in several places around the country, or get in touch with gingerbread for they are not only for lone parent but parents (and thier new partners) that are sharing in the new family. http://www.gingerbread.ie/

Parental equality also has a section on step parents and how to avoid being the Step Monster. http://www.iol.ie/~pe/pe00001.htm

If you are serious about getting involved with this man and his family and marring him you need to stop asking people on the net and get some really support and advice from people how are or have been where you are.

You will be for ever sharing him with his children and have to decide are you going to be, just thier fathers new wife or step mother getting involved also.
If it is the latter you , yourself will have to forge a relationship with the children’s mother and that is how you should deal with her as the mother of these children , respecting her wishes and not get caught up in the baggage of dealing with her as you husband to be's ex.

I would serious suggest sorting all this out before you get married.
Go seek help mediation what ever is needed, and have all the grown ups involved agree on ground rules on how this would work other wise it may be
The cause of a lot of misery for all of you.

MojoMaker

That's not what she wants to hear dammit :mad:

[Jackass]

Winnie wrote:

should he just tell her he needs his own life too and its not very fair on him. they both need to move on regardless of me or not!!

He gave up that right when he had kids in the first place, and it's not about what's fair on him or her....they have responsibilties to those kids, and the children have a right to a mother a father and a good upbringing. It's my opinion that you have to earn your way out of a marrige involving children, i don't think you can leave a marrige like that unless you've tried every possible way to make it work, having children isn't a 20 minute moment of passion...it's a life changing decision....my advice: your young, your whole life is ahead of you, leave them to try and sort out there lives, wish them the best, and don't get involved.

Winnie

they have tried everything to work it out several times and they are better off apart for the sake of the kids.....and just because your kids does not mean you do not deserve your own life at some stage. the kids will still have a mother and father he will see them still every week, he is not moving to the other side of the planet! he has already moved out of the house so not much difference

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

he talked to his ex-wife and she said it was fine, but then he went to talk to her yesterday to finalise everything and she basically done a complete 180 and changed her mind on the whole thing and said he is not going anywhere so he can look after kids

It is quite clear from this comment that his wife has not moved on and is still very upset about the whole breakup.
First off – do not get involved, leave them to it and keep your nose out.
I never discuss my ex husband with my current b/f – I am quite sure he is not interested and I see no reason to drag him into something that is not of his making.
Secondly, it appears there are a lot of unresolved issues between them. If he is going to see his children the exact same amount as before he met you, I do not understand the problem.
Do they not have a legal settlement between them with regards to access? If they do and this hasn’t changed then she cannot dictate his life.
Either way, as I said before, their relationship does not appear to be resolved yet which will be a headache for you, if in your last thread you had mentioned that, I do not think anyone would have advised you to continue seeing him.

Winnie

well some people did advise me to still see him as we love each other very much and he is already seperated. i know what people mean when they say just to leave him alone, but this is much easier said than done. we did try to stop seeing each other a few times but was no good, we just want to be a normal couple and do everyday things, we are not asking for too much really. he takes good care of his kids and looks after the house as regards to paying the mortgage and that so he is doing his best

cajun_tiger

DubGuy22 wrote:

He gave up that right when he had kids in the first place, and it's not about what's fair on him or her....they have responsibilties to those kids, and the children have a right to a mother a father and a good upbringing. It's my opinion that you have to earn your way out of a marrige involving children, i don't think you can leave a marrige like that unless you've tried every possible way to make it work, having children isn't a 20 minute moment of passion...it's a life changing decision....my advice: your young, your whole life is ahead of you, leave them to try and sort out there lives, wish them the best, and don't get involved.

right so do you have kids??

i do i have a daughter and yes she takes up my life alot...
but her dad can live anywhere he wants.. if he wants to make seeing her harder on himself then let him...

i have my life he has his, i see who i want to he sees who he wants.

now just to add my uncle has a son in cork and sees him as much as from the day he was born to when him and his wife got separated.
now when they got separtated my uncle moved to england.. every weekend with out fail my uncle arived in dublin got the train and picked him up and brought him to england... For the summer holidays they stayed in england and everything. yes a child is a life time committment for some people not all. this guy that winnie is seeing seems to be a very involved dad and fair dues i love seeing things working out for the best.. If this guy wants a life of his own it should not involve the x wife at all... where he lives is where HE lives not her nothing to do with this x of his...


If my daughters father ever even tried to stop me living where i wanted(this is from now on in my life) there would be hell to pay.... I have never once had a problem with where he does or doesn't live, and should never have a problem(unless it was next door i'd just move then)

cajun_tiger

my situation is a little different to yours, but trust me on this one she hasn't got anything to go on. where he lives is up to him, no one else.

if she pulls the you cant see them, tell him not to fight her. get him to go straight to a solicitor. all the best.

CT

Winnie

thanks cajun, i knew you would back me up girl!! i appreciate that you understand this situation so much, thank you for all your advice.

[Jackass]

cajun_tiger wrote:

right so do you have kids??

i do i have a daughter and yes she takes up my life alot...
but her dad can live anywhere he wants.. if he wants to make seeing her harder on himself then let him...

i have my life he has his, i see who i want to he sees who he wants.

winnie wrote:

she might try threaten him with not seeing the kids.

Cajun_Tiger....That wasn't my point....my point was that once you have a child, it's your duty to raise it and take care of it.....and if that means resolving issues with your ex-wife to keep access, instead of starting a new relationship, then so be it.
Im sorry if i implied having a child ment you cant have a life, i didnt mean it like that, and if your babies father dosen't make a big effort to see her then he's a sh!t, and she's better off without him.

Winnie....why are you posting this message? Its very clear you've made up your mind already what you're going to do, and this thread is purely to justify it to yourself.......If you don't like the advise your getting then don't ask, stop challangeing everyone who makes a rational argument to stay away, then welcomeing any support you get...they're only opinions, but deep down honestly i think you know what the right thing to do is, but you just want to make your concios clear and justify it to yourself......thats my opinion.

Winnie

i know what im going to do already i was just wondering if he had any come back if she threatened him with not seeing the kids. im not trying to justify myself, i dont need to im not doing anything wrong here....im not challanging anyone, im taking all advise on board...but dont need useless comments either that dont help at all. my conscience is very clear thank you very much

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

i was just wondering if he had any come back if she threatened him with not seeing the kids

has your b/f not had legal advice on this already? if they have come to a legal agreement then it would be a lot of trouble on her part to go back to court on this and what would it gain her to do so if he is going to continue to see them?
plus, if she was to try and take his access away all she is doing is shooting herself in the foot as she will have no spare time to herself anymore.
so, as I said already on this thread, she is acting like this because she is still very hurt and is just lashing out, there would appear to be more to this than you are saying.
honestly, you haven't given us enough info to comment on this properly

cajun_tiger

Dub guy. I did get your point, but in your point you did suggest that two people need to raise a child... I don’t agree. I’ve been doing a great job by myself.... and I know a lot of other women/men who do a really good job too. Just a question, this is Personal Issues ye?? This is winnies personal Issue, how she reacts is relevant to her feelings on this issue. There are people that will post on a topic and not get how sensitive the person is to what s\he is talking about. I have reacted very badly before because of certain things people have mentioned. That’s why I posted to find out what the general feeling out there was.

Now winnie, I’ve a mate in work he's separated from his wife I spoke briefly to him and asked what he would do...

Now "she can't stop access with out a reason--new gf isn't one, move home isn't another. If he stays on the support level then there’s nowt she can do. If she has a problem with him moving it could be that this means to her that now she is on her own. He’s not near by if she's worried. Like her support network is slowly moving further and further away."

He said a lot of other stuff to but that was the main bit.

Winnie

cheers for that, i will say that to him and take it on board.

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

cheers for that, i will say that to him and take it on board.

winnie
you seem to be ignoring my question regarding his legal status, from your comment above you are saying he has nothing down in writing?

Winnie

sorry didnt mean to ignore you. im not quite sure on htat score, they are only seperated at the moment and have to be for at least for years before divorce proceedings can go ahead, but im really not sure about his legal status, if there is one at the moment....i will find out

Beruthiel

in that case, if he doesn't have a seperation agreement, tell him to get one.

Winnie

i think he would rather just come to some sort of proper agreement without it turning into a war, they are trying to avoid all that mess.

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

i think he would rather just come to some sort of proper agreement without it turning into a war, they are trying to avoid all that mess.

there is no need for a war, they just have to come to an agreement which will cut out all the crap - I was able to get a seperation agreement which myself and my ex were both happy with - it is in both their interest to do this in order for them both to be more comfortable with the situation, if she is able to pull a stunt like threatening to stop him seeing his kids then clearly something needs to go down on paper, it is also the first step on the divorce ladder, it's very foolish not to have one.

Winnie

i will suggest it to him

Victor

Winnie wrote:

i think he would rather just come to some sort of proper agreement without it turning into a war, they are trying to avoid all that mess.

A separation agreement isn't war, it's a peace agreement .... between wars ....

Winnie

yeh i know but they would rather come to an agreement about kids between themselves then have to start paperwork. she just keeps saying she wants him around to look after kids in case she wants to go out as she needs her own life, but so does he. i can see her point too but doesnt help him in what he wants to do, so tricky situation