hurt and angry over the opposite sex

LegacyUser

Ill try and keep this as short as possible. I`ve always been a bit of an introvert, when i was young i was a bit of problem child and didnt have many friends or develop much social skills until i was in my early teens, added to that i went to an all boys school in secondary and didnt have much interaction with girls unitil i was about 16. I`ve gotten off with plenty of girls since then. In the past two years since , i started going out and meeting a few girls. I find it very hard to score girls at parties cos im not the best at conducting conversations, but i pull girls quite a lot when i go out to pubs or night clubs, sometimes by talking to them but mostly on a dancefloor, on more than a few occassions i would meet a girl that i liked and met up with her again and again, but it never seemed to work out.

A month and a half ago, i met this girl, who was really pretty, and at the time she was really friendly. We meet up again the next week and seemed to be getting along very well. I met up with her a few times afterwards we kissed and hugged passionatly and on one occassion she asked me to have sex with her (she wasn`t even drinking at the time btw) but we had nowhere to go because we both still live at home.We began to talk about previous relationships and she she said that the last two guys that she went out with treated her badly. before long i had fallen madly in love with her and asked her would she go out with me and she said yes. But since then she became a completely different person she made very little effort to see me. we went out once, and she wouldnt even get up to dance with me, everytime we went into town all she wanted to do was look around clothes shops she never wanted to go places where i wanted. Most of the times we were supposed to go out together she cancelled on me for some of the most mundane reasons.

It got to the stage where she stopped ringing me and rarely texted me back, one day i rang her but there was no answer, and about a half an hour later i get a message off her saying that us two is not working out because we barely see each other, and both of us go to different colleges and have part time jobs at the weekend. I just dont get it, she said that she had been treated badly and let down by guys in the past, but i treated her right i even made sacrifices and almost got sacked from my job so that i could spend time with her and she herself doesn`t even put in an effort. I`m annoyed because i was overjoyed at having my first girlfriend, yet we spent very little time as boyfriend and girlfriend. She said it didnt work out because we barely saw each other but she didnt make much of an effort to see me or too make it work. I`m very hurt, angry and disillusioned, where good i have gone wrong. Any advice no matter how small will be appreciated.

Cheers

Chris

[Jackass]

Well, to be honest, i was probably the complete oppisite to you, i was lucky enough not to have much of a problem finding girlfriends and stuff in school, and a lot of the time i was a a$$hole to them, until i met 1 girl who i really fell for, and i got exactly what i deserved...a broken heart At the time i tought it was the worst thing that ever happend in the world and i was devestated!!! That wasn't much consolation to the girls i hurt before, but i suppose the point im making is that everybody see's both ends of the spectrum...right now your at the wrog end, but don't worry about it, in time you'll forget about her, and like you said, girls like you, and you can score when your out, when you think about it, you haven't really lost much, she sounds like a self centerd, high maintanance, snooty useing bee-atch!.....you'll meet a cool girl sooner or later, just give it time, and don't stop being yourself (as corney as it sounds)....and btw, don't worry, the exact same thing will happen to her some day, certainly did me, and once i got a taste of that medicne i've never treated a girl bad since!!
Just hang in there mate....this time next yr you wont give a poo about this! Good luck

Amz

You probably came on too strong if you fell "madly in love with her" after such a short time. Maybe you were beginning to smother her and she felt trapped by you. Perhaps you tried to monopolise her time, particularly after she agreed to "go out" with you.

Sounds to me like there was a lack of communication between the two of you. Did you explain you were unhappy with trekking around clothes shops with her? If you didn't how was she supposed to know you weren't pleased with that situation, she's not a mind reader. If at those times all you did was pout and follow her around like a little lap dog no wonder she got fed up with you.

BuffyBot

I think Amz hit the nail on the head - you both obviously had different ideas of what the relationship meant. From reading your post, I know I'd be feeling a bit "whoa there" if I was her (and that's only from you're point of view, so imagine the story she would tell from hers) - you came on a bit strong, she backed off, you lost.

You've lived, you've learned

Duckjob

Advice? Take it on the chin and move on tbh. Life sucks, get a helmet.

Not meaning to sound mean or unsympathetic. Being dumped feels like crap, but I reckon it's one of the most constructive things that can happen to you in your teenage years (i'm figuring from your first paragraph, you're around 18-19). It's a great learning experience that leads to deeper future relationships. It's especially useful for balancing the ego if you're an Adonis that girls normally flock to (like me )

btw, of the girls you previous "got off with", it's probably safe to say that at least one of them *really* liked you and ended up feeling like you do now. I'm not saying "what goes around comes around", or anything preachy like that, just that sometimes you're the dumper and sometimes you're the dumpee, hence my opening line.

arbeitsscheuer

Duckjob wrote:

Advice? Take it on the chin and move on tbh. Life sucks, get a helmet.

Not meaning to sound mean or unsympathetic. Being dumped feels like crap, but I reckon it's one of the most constructive things that can happen to you in your teenage years (i'm figuring from your first paragraph, you're around 18-19). It's a great learning experience that leads to deeper future relationships. It's especially useful for balancing the ego if you're an Adonis that girls normally flock to (like me )

btw, of the girls you previous "got off with", it's probably safe to say that at least one of them *really* liked you and ended up feeling like you do now. I'm not saying "what goes around comes around", or anything preachy like that, just that sometimes you're the dumper and sometimes you're the dumpee, hence my opening line.

Absolutely spot on, couldn't have put it better myself...
With me though, the dumper/dumpee went the other way round to chris: My first relationship, got my heart broken, thought it was the end of the world... etc... 2 years later, I can appreciate how my ex didn't really maliciously wanna hurt me, it just didn't work out. It happens, you get over it, and ya live and learn.

Plus, after 1 or 2 relationships like the one chris had, you find your skin becoming a lot thicker when u go into relationships, and you approach them wit a bit more caution...

Amz

SebtheBum wrote:

Plus, after 1 or 2 relationships like the one chris had, you find your skin becoming a lot thicker when u go into relationships, and you approach them wit a bit more caution...

You mean you stop falling madly in love with them after a few snogs?

arbeitsscheuer

well, yeah, that's one of the first things to go...

Crucifix

Duckjob wrote:

Life sucks, get a helmet

Great phrase!

[Jackass]

Amz wrote:

You mean you stop falling madly in love with them after a few snogs?

Ya, but that's not really fair.....everyone can read too much into a relationship when there young and don't have much expierience, it's called puppy love, you know, you go head over heals for your first love, you get burned and then you never forget, hence you never forget your first love saying, at the time it seemed like such a big deal

sebthebum wrote:

Plus, after 1 or 2 relationships like the one chris had, you find your skin becoming a lot thicker when u go into relationships, and you approach them wit a bit more caution...

I think thats the main point, after you expierience getting hurt, you know to be more cautios, and build up more meaning and trust in a relationship before you can feel that way about somebody again!

Amz

DubGuy22 wrote:

Ya, but that's not really fair.....everyone can read too much into a relationship when there young and don't have much expierience, it's called puppy love, you know, you go head over heals for your first love, you get burned and then you never forget, hence you never forget your first love saying, at the time it seemed like such a big deal

How is it unfair?

This guy seems like he's, at least, in his late teens, he claims he has kissed girls in the past etc. therefore this wasn't his first encounter with a girl in a somewhat intimate situation.

What you describe about falling head over heels is generally just lust or infatuation, it can't really be love after only a few snogs and a few exchanged text messages. There's no way you can know a person well enough by then for it to be love. And quite clearly in this case it wasn't love, because she did turn around after he asked her to go out with him (by now he was madly in love with her!) and she said yes, but quite clearly she wasn't madly in love with him.

He hasn't been able to clarify some of the things I asked him about so I'm only able to base my assumptions on both experience and on his description in the original post.

Perhaps she just wanted sex and when he couldn't help her in that department she might have become fed up. This isn't as uncommon as some people might think.

mayordenis

here look you people thinking love can only be achieved by going out and being sexually or otherwise active for a long time should really just stop posting here, whos to say that because your 30 your better equipped to know really dont bother.

Amz

mayordenis wrote:

here look you people thinking love can only be achieved by going out and being sexually or otherwise active for a long time should really just stop posting here, whos to say that because your 30 your better equipped to know really dont bother.

I'm far from 30 sunshine.

You've also clearly missed the point of my post.

Gordon

mayordenis wrote:

here look you people thinking love can only be achieved by going out and being sexually or otherwise active for a long time should really just stop posting here, whos to say that because your 30 your better equipped to know really dont bother.

?

aidan_walsh

Amz wrote:

I'm far from 30 sunshine.

Ok so, 40 then...

/me ducks to avoid the incoming swings...

I'm inclined to agree though, to love someone means yo have to be able to understand them, how they feel, who they are, etc. You simply cannot do that after knowing them for only a few weeks.

seamus

To (probably mis-)quote Bill Bailey:
"I've written a love song. It encompasses all facets of love: Despair, Hatred and Depression."

That's the problem with love. When it's good, it's really ****ing good, but when it's bad it's hell.

It's very easy to fall in love with a part of a person. You see how people are mad about celebrities. It happens all the time, and not just with celebrities. People fall in love with someone they pass in the corridor in work.
A lot of the time, you go out with that person, and they're nothing like what you expected. To me, this sounds like what happened to you. You saw a gorgeous girl in a club, you got on well in the club, got eachother's hormones flowing, but then when you had to spend some time together, you realised you just didn't get along. *shrug* **** happens. Sometimes people just don't get along.

Snogs in a club don't inevitably lead to a relationship. A snog in a club requires some vague effort on the part of your lips and hands. Starting a relationship requires instant compromise. Continuing a relatonship requires continuous compromise. And neither of you seemed bothered enough (by your account) to put any effort in.

Amz

seamus wrote:

A snog in a club requires some vague effort on the part of your lips and hands..

If you're lucky ...

*grumble*

Sleepy

Speaking as a guy who just got an "I don't think this is gonna work out..." text less than two hours ago: ask her. I always think it's a good idea to press someone on these things and learn from their answers if the breakup is down to something I have/haven't done. I don't think that it's too much to expect a truthful answer to your questions and have no problems giving a fair answer myself if the roles are reversed.

If you've been doing/not doing something that contributed to this breakup, maybe it's something you can learn from, or maybe it's something about you that she didn't like but millions of others will.

Just pick yourself up, get out there and keep meeting other people. Personally I believe that there's not just one person out there for all of us, it's just a silly notion, there's thousands of potential loves out there, sure the odds aren't always in our favour in finding them but all we can do is keep looking... or at least that's what I intend to do....

Victor

seamus wrote:

A snog in a club requires some vague effort on the part of your lips and hands.

No, not necessarily. Not if Az is there, he'll do it all for you. Equal oppurtunities molester.

/me hides.

Amz wrote:

I'm far from 30 sunshine.

Just equally experienced and cynical.

I think he meant "whos to say that because one is 30 your better equipped" - he wasn't accusing.

pickarooney

christiano wrote:

I just dont get it, she said that she had been treated badly and let down by guys in the past, but i treated her right i even made sacrifices and almost got sacked from my job so that i could spend time with her and she herself doesn`t even put in an effort.

In fairness, pretty much anyone will say their ex "treated them badly" if they fell anywhere short of the expectations that person had of them. She may have meant, for example, that her ex didn't want to go clothes shopping with her for three hours on Saturday.

arbeitsscheuer

pickarooney wrote:

In fairness, pretty much anyone will say their ex "treated them badly" if they fell anywhere short of the expectations that person had of them. She may have meant, for example, that her ex didn't want to go clothes shopping with her for three hours on Saturday.

Spot on, in my experience anyways...

Sysiphus

Also bear in mind the girl in this, if she had been treated badly in the past, maybe she was just as nervous getting back into another relationship. More so if the guy did come on strong at the start, she too may be worried about getting hurt again, so she ended it before it could begin, to protect herself. And unforunatly chris just got her nervous time!

Chris, the best you could do is move on, like a lot of people have said so for. Chalk it down to experience.

LegacyUser

Towards the original poster when they mentioned little interaction in teens

Even though study proves single sex schools prefer slightly better, i think in this day and age more mixed schools should be looked at.

Alot of teens hardly get any acquaintences/friends as mentioned previous and this can surely lead to complications say in college/work later on. I know for me being in a single boys school and then suddenly going into work, i was definitely felt clumsy to say the least around girls my age.

Having had friends who went to unisex schools there didn't seem to be a problem, good grades, friends etc.. what do people think ?

vorbis

have to agree, I went to a single sex school as well and it definetly hindered by social development.

ven0m

I think alot of it comes down to people trying too hard to BE loved instead of just 'going with the flow' & letting things happen as or if they're meant to......


::: ven0mous :::

Sleepy

wise words ven0m, it can be hard to do at times but I think going with the flow is probably the best way to take life...

arbeitsscheuer

Very true... Some of the best relationships I've had (and some of the best 1-nighters too ) have come completely unexpected... Sometimes you've got to let life do the work for you, rather than tryin to force things.

Take it easy, chill, smoke some weed... *


*Interesting that this particular smiley is green, eh?

silly

well, i think it is really easy to fall for some1 really quickly, i started going out wit a guy before christmas, he said all the right things, wrote me a poem saying i was his soulmate e.t.c and what made the whole thing easier was that i knew him wit years cos he's local, we just never sat down and talked before, cos we were both in different circles. but while i was going out wit him there was this other girl ringing him , and txting him telling him she loved him, bla bla, he told me she was a bit of a physio, and that he was even thinking of changing his number cos of her. to make a long story short, he finished it wit me out of the blue , and now him and physio are playing happy couple, oh and by the way cos i txted him asking him for an explanation after it was off, my new name is physio, needless to say i havent contacted him since, although he did start txting me one nite since, then i found out it was off wit him and herself, but its back on now, the joys of him being local!!
anyway, i think what i'm trying to say is, why would he do that, say all those things and let me fall in love wit him if in his heart he didint mean a word of it? was it some sick joke?
i dunno!

arbeitsscheuer

silly wrote:

physio

Eh, I'm sure you mean Psycho?

silly

oh ya, sorry! spelling not too good!
sorry

arbeitsscheuer

But anyway, in answer to your question: Men are b*st*rds. Pure and simple. Even in the nicest of us, a complete a$$hole lurks within. :mad:

And I know I'm one one the better ones, but I also know that occasionally the complete b*stard in me rears its ugly head.

It's just the way we are, I reckon. C'est la Vie.

LegacyUser

"say all those things and let me fall in love wit him if in his heart he didint mean a word of it? was it some sick joke?"

How is it his fault? I'm confused about the "let me fall in love wit him " part

To chris: you just learned a big lesson in women. Dont come on too strong. There really isint anything more. And dont press for the reason it comes across really bad

Finito

silly

i guess! well i've since started seeing a guy who i been going out wit twice before for very short times, and i was really horrible to him .so girls can be bitches too. i feel really guilty though and i'm hoping things work out this time cos i do like him alot, but i know he reckons i'm only wit him to get over the b*stard, which i'm not. he's being honest an not filling me with **** , that much i know, and i'm being the same with him, so crossed fingers!!

arbeitsscheuer

Hopefully, you've learned not to be too trusting from the start, and just take the relationship slowly - see where it goes.

But in the end, be honest: No matter how many times it's thrown back in your face by blokes like ur previous boyf. :mad: In the end, you'll find someone you can be open with, and who'll be open with you. Judging by ur last post, it seems you may have already found him.

Good luck to ya

ven0m

SebtheBum wrote:

But anyway, in answer to your question: Men are b*st*rds. Pure and simple. Even in the nicest of us, a complete a$$hole lurks within. :mad:

And I know I'm one one the better ones, but I also know that occasionally the complete b*stard in me rears its ugly head.

It's just the way we are, I reckon. C'est la Vie.

Agreed. I fall into that category too - but of late, I'm being a bastard most of the time...... got tired of women completely taking the piss of my "niceness" - yes I know I play a major part in letting them do so & it basically is my own fault for letting them. I really stuck it out with my recent ex & tried to be the decent guy all the time cos of the **** she had with HER previous ex, but she completely took the piss & sometimes when **** was HER fault, I ended up feeling it was mine.... I'm not blaming her, nor do I hold ANYTHING against her - I let her take the piss when I should have put my foot down.

But - talking with most guys I know, who to be frank are decent, "nice" guys you hear women rabbitting on about that they are looking for, most of them have been really treated like **** by women they've been with & in some cases, their niceness when it came to "new" women on the scene was nowhere to be seen unless the women stuck it out & then they got the "nice" side shown to them..... very strange... :eek:


::: ven0mous :::

manmusic

christiano wrote:

everytime we went into town all she wanted to do was look around clothes shops she never wanted to go places where i wanted.

She is a girl, thats what girls do!!!

christiano wrote:

Most of the times we were supposed to go out together she cancelled on me for some of the most mundane reasons.

She probably had a big spot or something

Ph3n0m

ven0m wrote:

Agreed. I fall into that category too - but of late, I'm being a bastard most of the time...... got tired of women completely taking the piss of my "niceness" - yes I know I play a major part in letting them do so & it basically is my own fault for letting them. I really stuck it out with my recent ex & tried to be the decent guy all the time cos of the **** she had with HER previous ex, but she completely took the piss & sometimes when **** was HER fault, I ended up feeling it was mine.... I'm not blaming her, nor do I hold ANYTHING against her - I let her take the piss when I should have put my foot down.

But - talking with most guys I know, who to be frank are decent, "nice" guys you hear women rabbitting on about that they are looking for, most of them have been really treated like **** by women they've been with & in some cases, their niceness when it came to "new" women on the scene was nowhere to be seen unless the women stuck it out & then they got the "nice" side shown to them..... very strange... :eek:


::: ven0mous :::

jesus, it sounds like we went out with the same woman.....lol - aye but what Venom says is quite true