Adoption update

LegacyUser

Some months ago, I posted an anonymous thread about finding out I had a half-brother out there, and that he seemed interested in meeting up. Well, I received an e-mail this morning from Adoption Ireland telling me that they have a possible match and would like me to forward more details on before they even attempt to establish contact. Now, obviously, it is fundamentally down to my mother, and when I registered the details of him on the Adoption Ireland website, she knew all about it and I had her full backing. However, that was at least 9 or 10 months ago, and I think she has settled back into thinking that she may never see him or meet him. If this is him, and it may not be, but if it is, I don't want to put her through any turmoil and upset if its not him etc.

There's no way I am going to mail back Adoption Ireland with details unless I have my mams full blessing, so my question is this - how should I handle this? What do I say to my mother? I don't want her to get her hopes up only to be dashed, but at the same time, this is an opportunity she wouldn't want to miss out on.

b3t4

back again wrote:

If this is him, and it may not be, but if it is, I don't want to put her through any turmoil and upset if its not him etc.

Of course you don't want to hurt her further but what do you think your mother would want?

I don't want her to get her hopes up only to be dashed

There will have to be an element of hope to this procedure, that's all one can have after all, and with hope unfortunately comes uncertainity. Protecting her from this might seem better in the short term but in the long run it could hinder her in finding him and I don't think that is what she wants.

this is an opportunity she wouldn't want to miss out on.

I think you answered your own question there.

[Jackass]

I don't want her to get her hopes up only to be dashed, but at the same time, this is an opportunity she wouldn't want to miss out on.

Just tell her that keep an open mind, hope for the best and don't tie to much emotion to it until you can et a result.
Good luck

The_Conductor

back again wrote:

Some months ago, I posted an anonymous thread about finding out I had a half-brother out there, and that he seemed interested in meeting up. Well, I received an e-mail this morning from Adoption Ireland telling me that they have a possible match and would like me to forward more details on before they even attempt to establish contact. Now, obviously, it is fundamentally down to my mother, and when I registered the details of him on the Adoption Ireland website, she knew all about it and I had her full backing. However, that was at least 9 or 10 months ago, and I think she has settled back into thinking that she may never see him or meet him. If this is him, and it may not be, but if it is, I don't want to put her through any turmoil and upset if its not him etc.

There's no way I am going to mail back Adoption Ireland with details unless I have my mams full blessing, so my question is this - how should I handle this? What do I say to my mother? I don't want her to get her hopes up only to be dashed, but at the same time, this is an opportunity she wouldn't want to miss out on.

First of all, I am an adopted person- so any advice I give you is from that perspective.
While your brother "probably" is more interested in meeting with your mother, than he is with you. Its highly probable that he is unaware that he has any natural brothers or sisters, but when he does find out about you, I dare say he will be thrilled.

While you are of the opinion that any possible contact with your brother is fundamentally down to your mother- I'd have to disagree with you. You and your brother are both grown adults and entitled to treat each other as such. It would naturally be preferable that your mother was involved, however her lack of enthusiasm at involvement does not perclude you initiating contact with your brother.

While I appreciate that you do not want to e-mail Angela back without your Mums backing- what you really need to do as a first step is talk to your Mum.

With regard worries that the possible match in the database is not a correct one- one thing to keep in mind is that even if its incorrect, it is not a difficult chore to track down your brother from current sources- totally aside from the Adoption Ireland database. Depending on other information it may take a bit of work, but its not too difficult a chore.

For example- The Generals Register Office (GRO) in Joyce House, off Pearse Street, has a register of all the 40,000 odd adopted children in the country. It is possible to request permission to view these registers- which will contain the dates of birth of all the people involved, along with the names, addresses and contact details of the parents they were placed with as children. (Note: this information will obviously be old- but when you confirm the info it can be updated).

Going through this register would be a bit lengthly- but checking all the entries by birthdate might take a day or two, and you would then have a number of possible candidates (depending on when your brother was born, I would guess 4 or 5) . Followup would entail further work- but its all very possible......

So essentially, regardless of the entry in the database, which you can confirm with Ange by giving her further information- it is not the end of the road, but the beginning of a journey even if its incorrect.

If you have not already joined the Adoption Ireland Yahoo list, I'd urge you do so, you can get advice and assistance in real time from hundreds of other people in similar situations to yourself, along with adopted people, natural parents and others.

Link as follows:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption-Ireland/

Best of good luck to you,

Shane