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criticism please

  • 18-01-2005 7:10pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 35


    my first words up here are a work in progress:

    you could take it off
    but I know you won't
    you could feel happy
    for a change
    but you dont

    you spin in your own little world,
    and I spin in mine
    like wee glistening bubbles,
    stuck in time.

    It had to happen, regrets,
    but I wont forget, our time,
    won't let it pass into mist,
    'cos we made us shine


    I think I need a verse in before the current first one and am working on it.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 144 ✭✭Bright Smile


    i love the middle verse- itll stay with me for a long time. very whirlpool -ish...reminds me of that scene in the beach when they're in the water and the bubbles are glistening....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    Stands up on its own in my opinion. The naked simplicity is quite effective. Thumbs up.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 35 toblerone


    Thanks guys, Its good to know I not totally deluding myself :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 35 toblerone


    Here complete with first verse.

    My head hurts bad,
    maybe its me. That should go,
    We've made us sad
    and the answers no

    you could take it off
    but I know you won't
    you could feel happy
    for a change
    but you dont

    you spin in your own little world,
    and I spin in mine
    like wee glistening bubbles,
    stuck in time.

    It had to happen, regrets,
    but I wont forget, our time,
    won't let it pass into mist,
    'cos we made us shine

    ( © WhiteElephant/Ed Cay 2005)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,929 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    I'm gonna stick my neck out and say the meter is off in the second stanza (original first) - not sure why I didn't notice this before.

    Still like it, and good to return to it again after a month.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 35 toblerone


    your righ, the conotation feels a bit "off" in thsecond stanza when the first is included.
    I think that changes a little when I read the full stop in, in the second line "That" in "That should go" is actually refering to the second half of the first stanza and not the feeling expressd in the first half of that line.

    (I think)

    maybe I should make it a seperate line altogether?


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