Jokes

logic1 · 18-07-2000 1:33pm #1

>>> A blind guy on a barstool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna
> > >>> hear a blonde joke?"
> > >>>
> > >>> The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
> > >>>
> > >>> In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell
> > >>> that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the
> > >>> BOUNCER is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt
in
> > >>> karate.
> > >>> The guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby
> player,"
> > >>> he continues, "The fella to your right is 6'5" and pushing 300
> > >>> and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond. Think about it,
Mister.
> > >>> You still wanna tell that joke?"
> > >>> The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it
> > >>> five times."

logic1 · 18-07-2000 1:36pm

> > >>> CORPORATE LESSONS
> > >>>
> > >>> Lesson Number One
> > >>>
> > >>> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
> > >>> saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
> all
> > >>> day long?"
> > >>>
> > >>> The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
> > >>> below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on
> > >>> the rabbit and ate it.
> > >>>
> > >>> Moral of the story:
> > >>>
> > >>> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
> up.
> > >>>
> > >>> Lesson Number Two
> > >>>
> > >>> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to
> > >>> the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
> energy."
> > >>> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
> > >>> bull.
> > >>> "They're packed with nutrients."
> > >>> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
> > >>> him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
> day,
> > >>> after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
> > >>> after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
> tree.
> > >>> Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
> the
> > >>> tree.
> > >>>
> > >>> Moral of the story:
> > >>> Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
> > >>>
> > >>> Lesson Number Three
> > >>>
> > >>> When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
> > >>> The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's
> > >>> responses and functions."
> > >>> The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and
get
> > >>> him to where he wants to go."
> > >>> The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work
and
> > >>> earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the
> > >>> lungs and the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts
> > >>> laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the *******
> went on
> > >>> strike,
> > >>> blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes
> became
> > >>> crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs
> began
> > >>> to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the
> > >*******
> > >>> should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
> > >>> All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and
> > >>> passed out the ****!
> > >>>
> > >>> Moral of the story:
> > >>> You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do.
> > >>>
> > >>> Lesson Number 4
> > >>>
> > >>> There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
> > >>> pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last
meal,
> he
> > >>> flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he
> > >>> decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too
> much
> > >>> though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around
> wondering
> > >>> what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He
> > >>> climbed
> > >>> to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got
> > >airborne,
> > >>> he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and
> dropped
> > >>> like
> > >>> a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.
> > >>>
> > >>> The moral to the story is:
> > >>> Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of ****.

logic1 · 18-07-2000 1:38pm

> > > The George Carlin Theory:
> > > >
> > > >"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is
> > > >tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end
> > > of
> > > >it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
> > > >backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you
> > > live
> > > >in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young,
> > > you get a
> > > >gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're
> > > young
> > > >enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you
> > > party, you
> > > >get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a
> > > kid, you
> > > >play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you
> > > go
> > > >back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and
> > > you
> > > >finish off as an orgasm."
> > > >
> > > >--George Carlin

Paladin · 18-07-2000 1:43pm

I like that last one about life

Dave · 18-07-2000 4:48pm

AOL must be gettin to ya m8

logic1 · 18-07-2000 8:43pm

lol too damn right dave... its drivin me insane

.logic.

Blitzkrieger · 19-07-2000 9:21am

This guy was invited to his girlfriend's for dinner and she whispered in his ear that if everything went well she'd sleep with him that night.

The guy is overjoyed but he's ****ting himself too because he's actually never done it before. He decides the first thing he should do is buy protection, so off he goes to the chemist to buy a pack of condoms.

He walks in and looks at the toothbrushes until an old lady leaves then starts looking at the condoms. He's really ****ting himself now because there's son many differnt types and sizes of condoms and he can't decide what kind to get, what size or how many.

Eventually the chemist asks him if he's okay and he guesses it's his first time buying condoms so he comes over to help him choose. The chemist is very understanding and the guy tells him about his big dinner-date and what's going to happen after and the chemist helps him pick out the condoms he needs and even gives a few tips on what to do since it's his first time and even suggests some positions.

The guy leaves the chemist much happier and looking forward to the night even more. He goes home - showers, shaves, trims his nose hair - the whole shebang. He arrives at his girlfriend's house a little late and they sit down to the meal straight away. He asks if he can say a prayer before they begin and the girl's mother looks very approving.

Five minutes later he's still praying.

Ten minutes later he's still praying.

Fiftenn minutes later he's still praying.

Finally his girlfriend whispers to him : "I had no idea you were so religious."

"I had no idea your father was a chemist."

Blitzkrieger · 19-07-2000 10:37am

I met my wife in Amsterdam. I said : "What the **** are you doing here?"

She said : "Hello big boy!"
I said : "Hello yourself, you fat cow."

She said : "I'm not wearing any underwear."
I said : "Sorry, didn't realise they were your last pair."