Feeling alone

I feel stupid posting this because it's not the biggest problem ever but it's been bothering me recently. The thing is that all my life I've felt like I didn't belong and didn't fit in, no matter where I lived (I've lived in different parts of the UK and Ireland). I am a mixture of English, Irish and Spanish but I don't think it's because of that, although it doesn't help that I don't feel I have a clear identity.

I don't think it's mostly a moving-around thing though, I think a lot of it is my personality. I was a really quiet and introverted child at school although I did have a few friends I could really be myself with in my street etc. But in general I've always found it really hard to identify with other people. I remember at school there were all these girly groups of friends and I was always the one on the outside. Sometimes I made an effort to join in but I felt like I wasn't on the same wavelength or something. I used to go to a lot of different youth groups and stuff, and I always felt shy and awkward around people my own age. I felt like they were judging me or thought I was weird, and that made me even more quiet. I was slightly bullied at primary school and a bit at secondary school and I don't know how much that affected me but I think it made me even more wary of people than I was before. I tend to assume the worst of people and assume they won't like me.

Now I'm at college and I do have a group of friends but even now I feel different. I'm not as close to any of them as they are to each other, well that's how I feel anyway. People tell me I'm a nice person and often that I'm friendly but a lot of people have also said I seem very distant and unapproachable. I don't want to be seen like that. I hate feeling detached. I see all these people who have really close friends from college and go away together, and hug them everytime they see them and all that. I just want to be like them but I feel like I never can. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, which I know sounds corny but it's true. I feel like I'm not really living, only pretending. I can never really let go and be myself, I think people see me as a serious person when I am anything but.

I don't have any guy friends because there aren't any on my course or in my halls. I get along way better with guys than girls and I hate not having male company. But I just don't know how to meet guys. I hardly ever go out cos my friends don't like to. I just want my life to be fun because I feel like its just wasting away. I know I need to make it how I want to but I don't know how.

Sarky

I've been told I can be very much the same way, hard to approach and distant. And I guess it's true. I have a fairly small circle of friends myself, but they're close friends I've gotten to know and love over time. How long have you known your friends in college? You don't make best friends overnight.

Regarding meeting guys, are you trying any hobbies that have them present? Dancing, surfing, whatever, we're everywhere

captainplanet

dont stress too muc over it, most people feel like that at some stage. it sounds hard, but you have to let go of feeling left out.
"change the way you think" i was once told. and it was brilliant advice.dont just sit back and let the world go by, if you dont make an effort then why should anybody else?
but the truth is, if a person isnt happy in themselves, no amount of friends will make them feel better.

nesf

I'm kinda the opposite, I get on better with women than men generally. I've a small group of close friends who are quite mixed. I dunno, I often feel like I don't fit in too, and I definitely didn't fit in anywhere till I got to college and realised most of the reasons for me not fitting in were in my own head and weren't a real factor.

*shrugs*

I know it's mostly due to the way I think, and I'm aware of it yet can't seem to change it which is whats annoying me. Sometimes I do make a big effort to be myself but when I do, I feel that I'm being too loud, talkative etc and that I'm annoying people. I don't know if that's in my head or not. I just have really low self esteem and feel like other people are better than me, even though I know its not true. I know I would be a lot more popular if I just relaxed and was myself and thought, screw everyone else, but I can't for some reason. This feeling isn't even constant though, sometimes I feel great and I'm getting along great with people. Aghh.

I've known my college friends for 18 months which is long enough really. I know them well and consider them good friends but we're not really really close. One of the problems is that they all live with their parents so none of them want to go out at night and the weekends etc and that's when I feel really alone.

LegacyUser

Alena Jolly Strikeout,
I am in a very similar position to yourself. You're not alone! I come across as loud (which I am, a lot of the time), but people don't seem to realise that I can be very serious sometimes. I feel like an outsider a lot aswell, and only some of the time do I think it's only in my head.

REDZ

Alena Jolly Strikeout wrote:

Sometimes I do make a big effort to be myself but when I do, I feel that I'm being too loud, talkative etc and that I'm annoying people. I don't know if that's in my head or not. I just have really low self esteem and feel like other people are better than me, even though I know its not true. I know I would be a lot more popular if I just relaxed.
One of the problems is that they all live with their parents so none of them want to go out at night and the weekends etc and that's when I feel really alone.

i am a bit like this as well. not wanting to annoy people and impose myself on them, makes me hold back and then people percieve me as aloof and reserved. when they see you like that it makes them less comfortable with you, as they can sense that you are uncomfortable with them. being physically comfortable with people is really important as well, hug all your friends, as everybody needs hugs!
your right that all this is related to low self esteem, i think that part of it is that because you have such little confidience in yourself, that your afraid to open up to others, in case your fears are confired and they don't like you either. but thats all in your head. from your post you seem intelligent and grounded.
another part of it is that they are very important to you and so you don't want to do anything to lose or annoy them, this means more stress for your ego and inhibits you socially. broaden your group of friends, hobby volunteer job ask guys out etc etc
and finally your friends all live at home and your renting a place?!
if so deadly, throw loads of partys and have lots of girlie nights in etc.
ps. if you have walkman/ipod listen to your favourite tunes on your way to meeting your friends, always helps me feel better about myself if i'm low

Sleepy

To the original poster: remember that a lot of those people that hug each other whenever they meet are doing it purely because that's accepted as the "normal" way to say hello to someone in certain groups. It doesn't necessarily mean that those people are actually close in any great way...

Join a couple of male dominated clubs/societies (paintball, fan-sci, martial arts etc) if you want to get out there and meet a few guys.

Zombienosh

im the exact same as the original poster.....

LegacyUser

I'm the same as well -- don't always feel awkward and outta place, but it happens often enough that I'm aware of it.

Over the w/e a guy I was just starting to date a little bit decided (via text) that I was too cold & reserved for him and he never wanted to see me again. Now, it's not like I was attached to him at this stage or anything, but it seemed a ridiculous assumption to make after two dates! *shrug*

I don't think I can help being reserved around new people -- I don't open up easily, but my good friends know me well (as much as I'm going to let them anyway). I was thinking about it recently, and I don't think there's one person that knows me 'the best' -- everyone gets certain pieces and the rest is kept private. That's just the way it is... I don't know why, but whenever I'm around even my best friend, there's always things I'm going to keep to myself, almost like I don't want people to know. I don't think it's noticeable, but I'm just becoming more aware that I do it.

I'm just a private person I guess, no one gets the whole ass and cart

kopijack

I have the same issue with regards to identity, I have lived in various different places around the world and never felt a sense of belonging...and even when I did- I had to get up and leave it all behind. The question always came up where is home, or where are you from and it was a generally hard question to answer!!
In school I had a little trouble becoming good friends with people and I think maybe it was because I didn't want to have to become good friends just to say good bye to good friends.


Im 22 now and I do get on well with people and don't tend to be as reluctant to need a sense of identity, I have experience of many different cultures and people, and that means a lot and gives me more to talk about:), I still get the odd time when I feel as though im on the outside looking in, but I think everyone feels like that at times

Just don't worry about it ....be yourself!

Peteee

Aye, be yourself.

It sounds cliched but its true, and its the best advice you'll ever get.

Always....unless your an absolute jerk, then people will get on with you. Say whatever comes to mind, especailly if its funny/witty