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Rules for evil overlords...

  • 28-06-2000 1:08pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 492 ✭✭


    1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not
    face-concealing ones that my enemies can infiltrate my organisation with.
    Either that, or they will have fear-inspiring, face-concealing ones coded to
    the owner's DNA that will fry anybody else who puts it on. (Makes for
    increased locker-room alertness, too.)

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
    anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
    Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
    Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

    7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are
    you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just
    sensible."

    8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
    will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot
    him.

    9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
    a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
    which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

    10. Or, better yet, I'll find a beautiful EVIL princess and we'll co-rule in
    good-hating matrimonial bliss. (lord knows, evil women aren't hard to find.)

    11. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
    "Danger: Do Not Push", it will be labelled "Hanson Album Dispenser."

    12. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

    13. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum with all of my
    secrets lying around to be stolen or damaged. Nor will interrogate them
    without the presence of my COMPETANT bodyguards.

    14. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
    prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    15. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm
    not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

    16. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
    simply choose not show them any.

    17. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
    my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    18. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
    the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
    celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    19. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
    of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
    adhere to any other dress codes.

    20. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
    form of last request.

    21. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
    such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
    counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

    22. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to
    never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

    23. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one
    thing I want to know."

    24. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
    advice.




Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,219 ✭✭✭plastic membrane


    LOL !!!
    Wouldnt it be cool if there was a film/book/radio play/sitcom/soap opera/greek tragedy just with an evil overlord just like that. Hmmmm, gives me an idea....

    Say hello to my little friend !!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 41 Mark_The_Whale


    There is.

    It's called Discworld. I refer to the Lords Vetinari and Hong.

    You know, Terry Pratchett?

    Mark the Whale. AKA Xavius the Whale.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,219 ✭✭✭plastic membrane


    I know. Not that much of a fan, so forgive my ignorance.

    Say hello to my little friend !!!


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