Ass Hair

BossArky · 27-06-2000 4:17pm #1

Weird topic - but very amusing................

I think you'll get a kick out of it...........

ASS HAIR

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all
though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as
many things do, with me having trouble ****ting. No, I was not
constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of

technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny
grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my
asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had
something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its
butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either
reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf
(which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all
over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was

doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove
all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its
Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had
what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and
my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and
then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself.
It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other
regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by
General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There!
America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system
tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that
night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting
from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the
arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to
clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did
by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine
began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I
wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was
covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled,
satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have
a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God
created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had
removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for
granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day,
when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two
flights

of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something
unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the
unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with

every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off,
but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic
****-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after
class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat
combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up
and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and
scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion
caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were
sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny
cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off
by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled
the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled
the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it
worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the
fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I
sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the
concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own
**** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be
like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as
best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another
wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart,
only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no
hair, the two pink twins can> get vacuum sealed together, and the result
was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a

lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further
torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is
first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the
texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It
is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the
window and

contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in
one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!