A Tribute to Dante Alighieri

Raphael

Obsidian Gates of darkest black are standing in your path
Do you, unworthy sinner, dare to open them and pass
Or wander as a neutral soul, and flee my makers wrath

Perhaps your fate is limbo, hopeless hope, but then alas
The tail of Minos could thrice turn, with gluttony thy sin
Or deeper, to Cocytus, if the liars you surpass

Whate'er your fate, through me you'll pass, if you must go within
For fate and karma are not forces that your soul can flee
This is the point, fair wordsmith, where your journey must begin

All hope abandon, ye who go through me.

Inspired by the inferno, mainly Canto III. Also, terza rima is a bitch

BEAT

Absolutley Wonderful, having read the divine comedy I appreciate what you have done here.
Bravo

MojoMaker

One small observation, if you use Obsidian as you have you are under no obligation to follow it with use of the word black. Substitute something else which reinforces the image of a foreboding obsidian obstacle without labouring the qualifier.

Fate & karma - too close? What about a disparate pairing that feeds better from its bedfellow?

Raphael

Hmm, good points.

- How would collosal sound, in place of obsidian, darkest black is a little tricky to pull out.

- Fate and vengeance maybe, rather than karma. Vengeance kind of captures the side of karma i was aiming at.

BEAT

Raphael wrote:

Hmm, good points.

- How would collosal sound, in place of obsidian, darkest black is a little tricky to pull out.

- Fate and vengeance maybe, rather than karma. Vengeance kind of captures the side of karma i was aiming at.

yes he did make some good points, I missed those by reading through too fast...
the changes you offer seem to fit nicely , I like it anyway

MojoMaker

Would fit better I think Raphael. Although I love the word obsidian, it's very compelling and vaguely evil, and it would be a shame not to use it. What about finding some another image to introduce instead of darkest black? I recognise exactly what you mean though, it's definitely not as easy as replacing 'Obsidian'.

Vengeance works well I think although fate is repeated twice and I'd be inclined to cut the second iteration. To preserve the metre, if you're at all worried, you could tweak slightly to "...for vengeance is not a force your soul can flee...".

Either way I like it. I find it deliciously foreboding.

Raphael

Obsidian Gates, eternally dark, are standing in your path
Do you, unworthy sinner, dare to open them and pass
Or wander as a neutral soul, and flee my makers wrath

Perhaps your fate is limbo, hopeless hope, but then alas
The tail of Minos could thrice turn, with gluttony thy sin
Or deeper, to Cocytus, if the liars you surpass

Whate'er your lot, through me you'll pass, if you must go within
For fate and vengeance are not forces that your soul can flee
This is the point, fair wordsmith, where your journey must begin

All hope abandon, ye who go through me.


I rewrote the dodgy bits, opinions?

MojoMaker

99% there IMO Raph. Still not happy with the opening line...dark is only reinforcing obsidian if you think about it, in the same way as the use of 'black' did. It *feels* like it needs an adjective introducing some impression of size to complement the use of obsidian (which is such a fantastic word).

So, I'd be searching for a double word image that nestles in nicely with obsidian giving the reader the impression of girth, strength, size, stature etc...

Towering something...?

Raphael

Just got struck by a tad of inspiration

Tremendous Gates, obsidian black, are standing in your path

Looks a bit better with the two words next to each other, ne?

MojoMaker

We're just out of step with each other slightly dude. What I am saying is that if you use obsidian you need use no other word to describe the colour of the gates. Obsidian means black in common usage so no need to overqualify it. Do you see what I mean? In my opinion following it with black actually demeans the image you've built.

So I would still lead with Obsidian gates (beautiful image - followed by something like:) with towering fortitude deny your path (or something like that). Not trying to write this for you by any means but just advising on the most appropriate use of the imagery. You've done the hard work, just a case of nip and tuck now.

Btw - based on reading this I decided to finally take the plunge and I ordered the complete Divine Comedy + Doré's illustrative companion. Thanks for bringing it back onto the radar Raph. Such an exquisite piece of literature.

Raphael

My pleasure. One thing I would also highly recommend in the future is Ciaran Carsons new translation of Inferno. He translated into vernacular belfast and retained the terza rima almost completely. Very impressive

"Obsidian gates eternal stand to block the nomads path" maybe? Structure seems a little dodgy though....

BEAT

MojoMaker wrote:

Btw - based on reading this I decided to finally take the plunge and I ordered the complete Divine Comedy + Doré's illustrative companion. Thanks for bringing it back onto the radar Raph. Such an exquisite piece of literature.

It is an enjoyable read

Raph, that last post I think you have it there...try and put it all together now.