Too young to die...

LegacyUser

10 years have just passed when I lost my best mate in a horrific accident...
We were the one upmanship for each other... we tried to beat each other in everything... he even spotted this girl 13 years ago who I ended up in bed with ,,, We are still together and have a kid... Remarkably talented, intelligent..he had a degree and was in first year of his masters and he just turned 21... I have lost a lot of people in my life but this guy just haunts me... I have accepted the deaths of everyone else but he was simply too young to die... I suppose it is the fact that we had dreamed and planned our life ahead together... Now his family have asked me to say a few words at the anniversary but I feel crap... After all the plans we made I have fulfilled none... The only thing that is positive is the relationship with that girl and the fact that we had kids....but I feel like I have made an absolute balls of my 20's ... Massive amounts of alcahol and drugs have taken there toll on what was a very fit body... I ended up on large doses of Prozac for a couple of years and tried to drown myself once.... I really don't want to let his folks down along with all those friends but even seeing them makes me want to hit the bottle for a week....

Beruthiel

did you ever go and talk to a professional about this? because it sounds to me, from what you say above, that you never got over his death

if you cannot handle the anniversary, tell his folks that, they will understand

I would also like to point out that you seem to have yourself under unnecessary pressure because you are alive and he isn't - I strongly suggest you talk to a councillor

LegacyUser

Hi Ruthie....
I dont think I will "get over" his death and yes I have been through years of councilling... I am not as depressed as I was, as in it is more important to wake up in the morning for my son if nobody else.... It's just as i said he is the one person that I have met and lost that I truly believe should not have died... You don't need to tell me that "well he did so get over it".... It's just bloody wrong seeing his 25 yr old sister in tears at her brothers 10th anniversary..

BuffyBot

I'd go with Beruthiel's advice - see a professional.

Somehow, though, I doubt he'd wan't you to put yourself through the wringer of the anniversary (or any of the other stuff you're going through) because of some sense of obligation. Think about it.

Beruthiel

guestappearance wrote:

Hi Ruthie....
I dont think I will "get over" his death and yes I have been through years of councilling... I am not as depressed as I was,

maybe "get over" is not exactly the word to use, but "live with it" sure is, did the councilling not help you at all towards living with it? or at least give you some sort of help on how to not dwell on it?

You don't need to tell me that "well he did so get over it"

nobody in here would say that

It's just as i said he is the one person that I have met and lost that I truly believe should not have died

of course he shouldn't
there are many people out there that shouldn't have died when they did - it's the sort of crap the rest of us living people have to deal with -
a very good friend of my b/f threw himself out of a 5 story building last night, why would any 32 year old do that? it has upset me greatly today - I have no answers for that, nobody does

guestappearance

guestappearance wrote:

Hi Ruthie....
It's just bloody wrong seeing his 25 yr old sister in tears at her brothers 10th anniversary..

Ah I don't know, how is she at other times and does she laugh at some of the happy episodes.
I know someone dying young is an intense thing and different to the normal but that said...
My Dad is dead nearly 6 yrs now and to be honest, every day we probably all wish him back-he was unique to us in so many ways.
I do burst out laughing at some of the things he did and said though and encourage the rest to do the same and they do.
There are tears aswell at times( my sister for instance but she laughs as loud as any about him too )
It's all part of life, but if its getting on top of you, it's essential to talk about it and if necessary get the professional help as suggested already.

Swarfboy

Lifes for the living not for the dead!

LegacyUser

Hey guest appearance,
you say you cant get over it because you feel he was too young to die.
Then surely you must realise that life is precious and you should be making the most of it, not drinking and taking drugs or even thinkin about them. Its never too late to do all the things you planned together, and remember you have a son and wife in all of this.

Sleepy

We were the one upmanship for each other... we tried to beat each other in everything... he even spotted this girl 13 years ago who I ended up in bed with ,,, We are still together and have a kid

Well, there's the opening line of your speach...

goin'_to_the_PS

Try to think about the way he would have acted if it was vice versa.

CathyMoran

I lost my best friend in the Bundoran hotel fire in 1980 - we were both 6 when she died, her parents and her 2 year old brother also perished. Because I was so young I was not allowed to go to her funeral but I saw her white cofin going into the grave on TV. There is not a day that I do not think about her but I try and keep her memory alive which is what you are doing to. Thinking about how and why does not do any good. You still have so much of your life left to live. Talk about him to keep his memory alive - you knew him as a friend, you will be fine. Best wishes.

secret_squirrel

Personally I would seriously consider not even going to the anniversary - its one aspect of irish life that I find seriously maudlin and down right creepy.

My mother died 6 years ago - and to be honest I wouldnt go to one even for her.

I bet there are still numerous points in your life where you think of him - some good that make you laugh - some bad that make you cry. Why single out out one particular day just because it happens to be 10 years later??

You love him and cherish his memory - thats all that anyone can do when they lose someone. Talk about him if it helps you - but dont force yourself to for the sake of anyone else. If its affecting you this badly still you have to be a bit selfish and look after yourself and your family first.

And dont beat yourself up for the way you have lived your life - lifes for making mistakes and learning from them - not for trying to live perfectly.

Victor

How did you meet?

I had to do the eulogy for a friend's funeral service, he was 26 when he died (epilepsy). He was South African and the family couldn't travel, so I had to do all the arrangements at this end. All I really said was he was our friend, that was his defining characteristic. I expanded it a bit, but that was the core.

My niece, my god-daughter (15 months, cot death) died about a year after that. She was the nearest thing I had to being my own child. At the cemetary, my sister asked me did I want to carry the coffin. I nearly got sick on the spot and wanted to run away thinking that it would be one more stake in her heart. I kinda understand the stuff you are feeling

You have some material in what you have said above, perhaps limit it to the bits about you and him together. There is no need to go into the bits about yourself.

the_syco

Dude; having been in a car accident (I was on a bike, slammed from the side @ a crossing. heck, you could see the windscreen wiper imprint on my helmet), in a coma for 3 days, about 10 years ago, I can safely say that if I had perished, I'd have wanted my mate then to continue on in life.

Your mate died, its sad, but if you continue to mop about, your life will be halved, as such. My suggestion; look back at some plan you made with him (not a totally mad one), and do it with a few of your mates. Then you can look back, and say that you carried out one of the things you planned with him.

Also, do the consulling thing. The mind people usually know how you can ease the pain, so you may lead a fuller life.

_blank_

I lost my best friend last June.

I don't know what your situation is, but there were 7 of us lads, and we each called each other best friend.

It is horrible living without him, but I have the others, and they have me.

I'll never get over it, nor do I want to. People "get over" trivial things, and the death of a best friend is not that. I'll always love him, and there is not a day goes by that I don't think of him. We all laugh at the stories about our mate, we all cry at the stories about our mate. It is what makes us, we don't see it as him being gone, he is still here because he is in our hearts, with us in everything we do.

Your friend is the same. He is in your heart, and you will always remeber him.

Crash

losing a close or best friend is something that i suppose can never be exorcised. in the end all that you can really do are remember the times together. one of my friends, a guy i admired above practically anyone else i know, passed away this time last year, and the memorial mass was just a few days passed. and the only thing that keeps me from tears at the thought of all that he is missing is all that he achieved in his life, all the people he affected and the people who still love him and wont ever forget him. these are the only things we have and they are the part that are the most important, not that persons death. Even if you find it near impossible to stand in front of his friends and his parents, but you need to think that as much as anything, its most likely what he would've wanted. and by doing so you're probably helping his parents and his friends, in seeing that after all this time you've never forgotten him, which is one of the things that is the closest to a lot of peoples hearts - they dont want to let that person be forgotten.

Agent Smith

i'd agree with anna,


see a counciler, i went to one last year after a friend of my commited suicide, and i did feel better, it's not often that you cna speak about your problems,issues and thoughts for a hour un interruppted.... it can life a great weight of you mind, altho it can never bring your friend back, it can help you remember him in a better way, when you were together.

just my 2c

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and good vibes. The anniversary was at the weekend and we me up (around 60 people) and had a great day and night remembering and also what struck me was how many other people had been through similar "crap" over the years and how we all feel we lost a lot of our 20's to drink and drugs and just being basically depressed... Lots of stories with different paths but all roads have been bumpy along the way...We have made new/old friends and I think we all felt it was time to put the demons to bed and get on with our lives and our childrens lives....Thanks again for the posts...........