breaks?

ARGINITE

This all started on new years eve.
When my girlfriend told me that she want to take a break from us for about 6 months.
We have being going out for a little under three and a half years and she told me that she wanted to sort out if I was the one or not.
So anyways now im left with "large numbers" days till I get to see her again because she wanted it to seem like we were single again and that she would know if I was the one by the time we got back together at the end of the 6 months.
Anyways I know how I feel about her already and im kinda scared that she will not feel the same way about me.

So after all that my question is:

I was just wondering if this kinda thing has happened to many people and what has happened to them following the break? did they get back together or not?

PS. If your going to say that she is off being single while I sit here and wait well I dont want to here about it!

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

It happened between me and my girlfriend though we'd only being going out for about 7 months at that stage... basically she wanted a break to see if she enjoyed being with me or not. It was only a few days but I felt like crap during it, luckily thought she decided she did like being with me and we stayed together for nearly 2 and a half years. We broke up last week now, but that was a mutual thing 'cos we weren't really happy.

Anyway, in conclusion, something similiar happened me and it all worked out fine. But you're gonna get loads of replies saying "it's basically an extended break-up".

Tiriel

That's a really tough situation for you to be in. It's one thing if you both feel you need time to reassess the relationship but it's quite another if only one of you does. I'm in a five year relationship at the moment.. and we have taken a break. It wasn't my idea.. and I was terrified that there was no point if he even needed to think about it.

Having said that it was the best thing for us. (but I sure as hell didn't think that at the time!) We pretty much separated for 6 months, during which time I felt very lonely to begin with but then began to live my own life for me for a change. It is such a change not thinking about your partner in your everyday life.

At the end of the six months we met up and chatted. I was so scared that he would feel that we were better of without each other and that the space was a good thing. Thank God he missed us as much as I did.

It did leave me feeling vulnerable though, as if I didn't have 100% trust in the future of our relationship anymore and to be honest I'm not sure if that has returned. I did benefit from making my own decisions and regrouping with my close friends the way it just isn't possible to do while you are in a serious relationship. Now I feel much closer to my friends and feel more independent than I did before the break.

I hope you will make the best of this break to really think about yourself and your own hopes, goals and ambitions .. which you really don't do properly when in a relationship. (this is of course only my opinion!)

anyway, good luck and take care of yourself!

ARGINITE

ya feel really crappy for the last few days but all the work im doing for my exams has helped keep my mind of the whole thing!

Thanks, ye both helped so much.

LegacyUser

I was with someone over 4 years - it was me who wanted to take a break initially, I thought that there was a small chance that I wanted to be with the person but in reality I wanted to break up. However as it came closer to the time for the break I fell in love and did not want to leave but they were seeing someone behind my back. This was only what happened to me. A break can be the chance to see if you genuinely should be together - more often than not I have seen couples getting married after getting back, so do not give up hope.

Zulu

Really sorry to say it mate - but you been dumped.
Think about it, you like her, you don't want a break.
If you liked someone - why wouldn't you wanna be with them.

Best of luck (and sorry to say what you don't want to hear)

dazberry

Many moons ago my gf* decided we should go on a break as she wanted to go to the US for 6 months - she never came back. That hurt so bad.

*obviously ex-gf but didn't want to give false hope of a happy ending - it was 12 years ago.

D.

FX Meister

Often it's just an excuse to break up as the person is too weak to actually say they want to break up. At this stage it's better off to act as if you're single and if in six months time she calls you up and says she wants to get back together then decide at that time whether you want to or not. Don't sit around moping about the chick

Lafortezza

Did she say if she was going to see other people when you were on your 'break'? From the sounds of it you (ARGINITE) aren't.
What if she came back and said "You're the one, but I had to sleep around a bit to find out", would you still stick with her?

Any more info on what exactly the deal is with the break?

Selik

Forget about her mate (at least for the next six months...)

Bottle_of_Smoke

Zulu wrote:

Think about it, you like her, you don't want a break.
If you liked someone - why wouldn't you wanna be with them.
QUOTE]

Girls do this, think it's cos they suffer more than men from nervousness\confusion than guys.

They guy would be more likely to ride out the situation or break up full stop.
Girls freak out and go for a usually not exactly happy medium - a break.

Obviously this doesn't apply to *every* guy or girl

d22ontour

what good would any couple gain from a break none, if it was meant to be you wouldnt be having a 2 week break let alone 1 for 6 months its time to move on

neuro-praxis

My bf of 3 years and I went on a break once; it was a disaster as it felt absolutely wrong without each other. We realised during the break what we wanted. We got married two years later.

Your situation is not without hope, but the fact that the break is not a mutual decision bodes badly. My advice is to try to live as though she is no longer your girlfriend. Six months is both a long and a short time, if you know what I mean. It is short enough to pick up where you left off, and long enough to move on if necessary.

You are not her plaything. Try being single again. You might enjoy it. I know you are hurt but the hurt will not last forever.

nesf

I was in a few relationships in which we decided to have a break after a long period of time together or if the relationship was stagnating. I remember one "6 month break" where me and my gf were back to each other on our knees after a week begging to be taken back, it was very amusing in retrospect with both of us tip-toeing around the issue not sure what the other was thinking.

As for your situation, you've been together 3 and a half years, thats a long time mate, it's not unusual for people in such a long relationship to take a break. I would judge 6 months a bit long imo, but I can see why someone would want as long a break, especially if you were young when you started going out together, or if there was a chance of marrage on the horizon. Alot of people wouldn't appreciate a break in a relationship, but for some people they can be very good, especially if one or both of the people involved feel they need to find themselves after becoming too co-dependent on the other person.

All I can say mate is not to get bitter over it, and to just live your life as best you can in the interim. Make sure you keep in touch with her, and stay in contact, losing contact in this kind of situation can be a very bad thing.

isolde

my ex and i broke up while i was living abroad for a year. it was my choice. we had been together for a bit over 3 years at that point. i threw myself into single life; he waited for me to come back. we never got back together.

in hindsight, i may have made a mistake breaking up with him when i did, but if i had stayed in the relationship i probably would have ended up breaking up with him sooner or later anyway. some days i wonder if he really was the one for me but now its too late, because we've grown far too far apart, and we have seperate lives now. and he hates me for it, he hates me for abandoning what we had, and he hates me for sleeping with other people.. and the love we once had can never be recovered. we tried to maintain a friendship, but even that has proven too hard.. there's too much history.

so i guess what i'm trying to say is.. i hope for you that your relationship can revert to what it was, but often a break results in one or both parties realising that they need to break up. i dont really believe that a break is always a break-up.. but many do lead to that.

some-one said recently on these boards, that one of the worst things is finding the right person when you're too young. i really believe that. i think a lot of people get itchy feet, and it's a huge thing to commit to one person for the rest of your life, and sometimes you wonder if you're doing the right thing. i guess the way i felt was that i was too young for such commitment. maybe its selfish, but you cant ignore the doubts you have forever. the grass is always greener, and all that.

if your gf wants a break, you cant stop her. all you can do is hope that she will realise that what she had is worth more than what she could have, and that she realises this sooner rather than later. in the meantime, i guess it gives you some time to catch up with people you may have neglected, and it gives you some time for you.

good luck and i hope things work out for you. i know it's somewhat cliched, but if it's right for you, it'll come around again. it truly will.

~ isolde.

king_of_inismac

Hey man,

Sorry to hear about that. I know whats it's like

Anyways, I remember talking to a girl about this subject one night. She was going out with her B/f since before she left secondary school, and she is still with him in third year in college. I remember asking her is she ever felt she was missing out on anything or regretted staying in the relationship for so long. Her reply was that she loved him, and didn't regret it at all. However, she also added that "She'd love to put him away in a box, and open it again in a few years time". I think she meant that while she wanted to spend her life with him, she also wanted some time on her own, to experience some part of life alone.

I'd say its a good thing Arganite. She wants some time on her own to decide whether shes ready for a serious commitment. Ye've been together long enuf to know she loves you, and this break will establish whether or not its gonna be long term. After all, it's better to find out now, rather that 2/3 yrs down the line.

Anyway, best of luck man,

Martin

seamus

By Jesus, breaks suck.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

The only advice I can give you ARGINITE, is act as if you're never getting back together. The only things worse than the actual break is wasting most of the time thinking ahead about getting back together. When you do get back together, you'll feel cheated, as if you stood on the sidelines waiting for her to score every guy she fancied while you were going out, waiting for her to come back to you. Trust me.

Use the time to explore yourself. You may feel that you know you're happy with her, but what's the harm in making sure?

Zulu

king_of_inismac wrote:

I'd say its a good thing Arganite. She wants some time on her own to decide whether shes ready for a serious commitment. Ye've been together long enuf to know she loves you, and this break will establish whether or not its gonna be long term.

...or she does love you - but not in that way. Breaks generally mean she loves you like her brother. She doesn't want to hurt you, so she says "break", but unfortunately, her coward ness will cause you greater pain, as she really means "break-up", and won't tell you that for 6 months.

Sorry mate, I truly am, but "walk away", it'll be better for you in the long run.
I don't expect you to answer this, but: was there a serious decrease in the amount of sex you guys were having prior to this? If you're answering "yes" to this, then you're in a very similar situation to where I was a couple of years ago. Personally I've never believed in "breaks", so when it was suggested, I didn't take it seriously. That being said I still spent too long waiting/hoping.

Sleepy

Well, I've never done it myself but I know my best mate and his girlfriend went on a break for nearly 8/9 months and got back together afterwards and everything is still going strong. For them at least the issue was that they'd been together since they were 17 and so had never really been on their own as an adult. For them it seemed to be more about figuring out the boundaries of where each of them ended and the other person began but 4 years later we're all still just waiting for the day out...

My advice would be to have as much fun as you can in the next 6 months. Use the time to figure out who you are on your own, is that the same person as you are with your girlfriend and then at the end of the 6 months ask yourself which person you prefer being: the ARGINITE with her, or the ARGINITE without her...

king_of_inismac

Generally speaking, I'd say the same thing as Zulu, But knowing the people involved, I'd say hang in there Arganite, 6 months isn't that long really...

RossFixxxed

There's a difference between having some time to yourself and taking a "break" ie shagging around. 6 months is insane to be honest, this sounds like a way of breaking up with you. I know you want to hear one thing only but it doesn't sound good. What exactly is the plan on her part do you know? What prompted this?

Beruthiel

if a relationship is going well why would one party ask for a break?
I for one would not waste my time waiting around for someone else to make up their mind on whither they wanted to be with me or not and I would think it very selfish of them to ask in the first place.

ARGINITE

Ok to set things stright.
She told me that she would not see other people and I trust her on that and I intend to do the same.
I intend on waiting the 6 months and hoping for the best as thats the type of person I am, Their wont be any problem of me holding it againsted her or not being able to trust her if she wants to get back together well, I would take her back in a heartbeat. So now all I have to do is wait!



king_of_inismac ---^_^---> get back to your research dude!

davej

Sounds like she is hedging her bets tbh. If she doesn't find anyone "better" in the next 6 months she can always come back to you.

davej

seamus

ARGINITE wrote:

Ok to set things stright.
She told me that she would not see other people and I trust her on that and I intend to do the same.

Does this mean not *go out* with anybody or not kiss/snog/grope/shag anybody?

Before you answer in the latter, are you *sure*? If you're not 100% sure, clarifiy it with her.

ARGINITE

Sounds like she is hedging her bets tbh. If she doesn't find anyone "better" in the next 6 months she can always come back to you.

NO she is not that type of person either, I know her to well.

cajun_tiger

me taking a break means i'm being over crowded and need some air to think things through. but then again the longest i've ever been with anyone is 6 months with out having enough..(i've got issuse we all know this by now ) i have a commitment thing....

anyway taking my parents break which was for a year just before i was a twinkle in their eye, they are still married still happy 30yrs down the line...

my dad had cheated and my mum felt that he needed to sort out what he wanted so he left my newly born sister and my mum went off for a year and in the end he said he'd never been happy without my mum. my mum felt the same so ta da then there was me!! my mum never was with anyone which makes me feel very sad for her but hey being single doesn't mean you have to be a slut....

ARGINITE

Does this mean not *go out* with anybody or not kiss/snog/grope/shag anybody?

YES I mean that exactly
yes I 100% sure.

seamus

ARGINITE wrote:

YES I mean that exactly
yes I 100% sure.

6 months is a long time to go without eachother. I give you 3 weeks before you both crack and end up in bed with one another again.

ARGINITE

thanks seamus me hopes so to.

Dr. Loon

Break = sex with other people. 6 months without anything??! Yeah right!

pickarooney

Is she moving away anywhere? I think you're being a bit optimistic in fairness. She told you she was taking time off to see if you were the one for her. How does she intend to figure this out if not by comparison? And if someone else comes along who could very well be 'the one', what's she going to do, let it pass by?

Miss Judy

Maybe you need the break and you don't yet realise as you do love her, sounds like you are very young.The thing is, a break really is a horrible thing to do if both parties do not agree.When I was 21, i told my b/f at the time that I wanted a break, was getting itchy feet BUT I did love him, just wanted to do my own thing for a while. We had been together 2 years(living together for 1 yr) at that stage and he was 27 then. It is a big regret of mine, he really loved me & I just was immature and wanted to go a bit mad with my friends, which I did. I did not sleep around but I got so engrossed in having a good time we grew apart but he would still have taken me back & I just decided..nah I'm 21 & want some fun. It still is my biggest regret what I did, letting someone that loved me to bits just go & hurt him so much in the process.This might happen to her but I just hope that it works out okay for you both.You should just get on with things and 6 months will fly by and god knows you could have changed and want different things. Good luck!.

irlirishkev

Break = Cowards way out.

People take a break from eachother to see if they can survive without their partner. If they find they can't, they get back together and get married.

It sucks.

Kevin.

tinkerbell

Hey Arginite,

I hope things work out for you because you sound like you really love her. The whole break thing sucks. I can't understand breaks at all - if you have something wonderful with your significant other, why would you risk taking a break (which could risk loosing your partner for good?) and also, if the other half didn't want a break, they would go through torture wondering why if he / she taking so long to decide if I'm right for them or not.

Maybe for some people, it has worked out good in that they had a break, then got back together. But I think it's a much stronger relationship if both parties wouldn't want a break. Like I said already, I can't understand that if you love someone so much, you'd want to be apart from them for 1 day, never mind 6 months.

Hope it goes well for you and that she comes crawling back

LegacyUser

I hate to say it but a break is the cowards way out. You might think you know her backwards but you don't really. Don't believe the 'I'm not going to be with other people' routine. It's nonsense.

If she finds no one else she may come back. She may not. You need to accept pretty quickly that all is *possibly* not as it seems.

If I were in your position (which I have been) I'd sit her down and ask her is she really ending it. Don't use puppy eyes. Ask her to be really straight with you.

You'll get the truth that way. Maybe she's told you the truth. Cynical me would doubt it very much.

ARGINITE

Is she moving away anywhere

Yes last semtember she moved to dublin to start a new job since than she has been having a very hard time in dublin due to not liking the city and not being able to make friends up their.

Sleepy

She'll get over it Arginite, I've been living in Dublin for 18 months now and have only started to like it in the last two. If she's in shared accomodation with people she's not getting on with/having a laugh with it makes Dublin a very lonely place. I'm onto my third house inside 18 months and third time really was the charm. I'd say her problem at the moment is living in Dublin, not with your relationship, maybe if you could help her with that problem, it would resolve the "need" for a break?

ARGINITE

I have tryed my very best to but got no where, she is the type of person who has always had a lot of friends around her and now she has none in the city is she is living in. Its also the first job she has had as she is finished college.

neuro-praxis

While I agree that a break can be a coward's way out, I don't think it is by default.

The best kinds of relationships are those where you know you can survive perfectly well without the other, but you choose not to. Then you don't sit around moping when they're away, and look forward to that time to yourself.

I can understand wanting a break. Yes you love the person, but do you want to love them forever and ever amen?

Best find out.

pickarooney

ARGINITE wrote:

I have tryed my very best to but got no where, she is the type of person who has always had a lot of friends around her and now she has none in the city is she is living in. Its also the first job she has had as she is finished college.

If that's the source of her insecurity, it should work out for you. It's hard to realise that once you're in the real world of jobs and things that you just don't have so many friends any more, but it's an inevitable change.

ARGINITE

but do you want to love them forever and ever amen?

YES.

If that's the source of her insecurity, it should work out for you. It's hard to realise that once you're in the real world of jobs and things that you just don't have so many friends any more, but it's an inevitable change.

I hope it works out for me to!

Thanks for the help guys ye have been great.