Commitment

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is 35 and he we have been going out for almost 2 and a half years. Every time I mention the future he cringes. I asked about our furture the other day and he day just offhand that we would get a house in 4 years!! He doesn't want kids and only wants a partner.

(a) I have dumped him!
(b) He just wants a f*** buddy
(c) He never loved me
(d) Its not as if I didn't tell him I wanted kids and a husband!
(e) I'm seriously down about it but think the dump was the right thing to do.

Sleepy

What's your question? You wanted different things from the relationship. You have no way of telling if (b) and (c) are true. You ended the relationship which sounds like the right thing to do when you both want such different things.

Beruthiel

indeedie
what is your question?

if you are looking for us to tell you that you did the right thing breaking up, then yes you did
btw
why did you stay with him for so long if you knew that he didn't want to have kids and just a partner?
which btw doesn't mean he was just looking for a fuk buddy

Gilgamesh

mmmmm.... F*** buddy......

err. sorry.... drifted off there.

don't you think you could have figured this out earlier then, if he woul dhave been younger I would have said, that things could still change in a few years, but if you think as you seem too, then a breakup is the best Idea.

Beruthiel

Gilgamesh wrote:

if he woul dhave been younger I would have said, that things could still change in a few years

honestly
I don't get this 'if things change' thingie, is it a case that some people think if they stay with someone long enough that they can make them change their minds?
why would you want to do that?
I know when I make up my mind about something, nobodies changing it for me and there would be no point waiting around in the hopes that I do

koneko

If you weren't happy, then yes it's the right thing to do. Don't look for validation from other people on something like this, you have to do what's right for you and what makes you happy. If you wanted a house, a husband and children, and he didn't seem to want to, then you're not going to get what you want.

ferdi

he's a fella, end of story.

The Corinthian

Guest1 wrote:

My boyfriend is 35 and he we have been going out for almost 2 and a half years. Every time I mention the future he cringes. I asked about our furture the other day and he day just offhand that we would get a house in 4 years!! He doesn't want kids and only wants a partner.

(a) I have dumped him!
(b) He just wants a f*** buddy
(c) He never loved me
(d) Its not as if I didn't tell him I wanted kids and a husband!
(e) I'm seriously down about it but think the dump was the right thing to do.

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

You’re looking for us to validate your actions. Certainly suggesting that he simply wanted a fsck-buddy and he never loved you smacks of self-justification.

Perhaps it was the right thing to do and perhaps you jumped the gun - it really depends on the nature of your relationship at the time you broke up and its history. You were together for two and a half years, however, what do you mean by that? Have you officially been together for two and a half years or have you had an irregular, casual, no-strings-attached relationship for some, the majority or even all of that time? Also, you suggested to him that the two of you should buy a house together, but are you even living together at present in rented accommodation?

If the two of you were already living together in a stable long-term relationship then you probably did the right thing - after all he can change his mind at fifty, you realistically can’t.

However, while he may well have known that you wanted kids and a husband, but if your relationship has been largely casual up to recently his reaction would hardly be that surprising, regardless of whatever hints you may have dropped him - you don’t suddenly go from first gear to fifth and not expect the clutch to complain.

Getting a man to commit is much like boiling a frog in water. Throw the frog in a pot of boiling water and he’ll do his best to jump right out again. Throw him into a pot of cold water and heat it gently and the frog will happily paddle oblivious to the fact that he’s being boiled alive.

Beruthiel

The Corinthian wrote:

Getting a man to commit is much like boiling a frog in water. Throw the frog in a pot of boiling water and he’ll do his best to jump right out again. Throw him into a pot of cold water and heat it gently and the frog will happily paddle oblivious to the fact that he’s being boiled alive.

but that's such a sneeky thing to do TC!
and I don't think it's true for all men (or women for that matter)
some want kids, some don't, some don't have a clue either way (I suppose the slow boiling would work in that instance )

seamus

Yeah, that's pretty much it, what Corinth said. You say he's 35, but what age are you?

I've heard plenty of people in their late twenties/early thirties remark that they don't have time to bein relationships "Just for the craic", that if they're not looking for the same thing, there's no point in wasting their time staying together.
That why I find it weird that you stuck with him for two and a half years if a) He's always known you wanted kids and marraige and b) You obviously knew or at least would have enquired with in the first year as to what his ideas were.
I mean if you're metaphorically ticking, why stick with it, despite the obvious incompatibility of your plans?

The Corinthian wrote:

Getting a man to commit is much like boiling a frog in water. Throw the frog in a pot of boiling water and he’ll do his best to jump right out again. Throw him into a pot of cold water and heat it gently and the frog will happily paddle oblivious to the fact that he’s being boiled alive.

LOL, but not always true.

Gilgamesh

Beruthiel wrote:

honestly
I don't get this 'if things change' thingie, is it a case that some people think if they stay with someone long enough that they can make them change their minds?
why would you want to do that?
I know when I make up my mind about something, nobodies changing it for me and there would be no point waiting around in the hopes that I do

I moreless meant, that people DO change their views and longings in life over time, I didn't really wan't to say that you should wait around and pray every night that it will happen.
I have seen it many times myself, and experienced such a change on my behalf.

cajun_tiger

i think its more reasurance that you didn't jump the gun...

if deep in your gut you know that you could feel better and move on then yes you did and fair play for having the cop on to do it now.

but if deep down you feel you were wrong and hasty, the answer is simple. phone him up ask to talk. mention that you need some answers, if he doesnt want to talk then i'm sorry. if he does don't let it turn into a "but two years ago you nodded when i said i wanted kids"

men don't always hear what you say when they are listening to you.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks everyone for the replies and all of you have raised some very good points. I think I am looking for justification alright, I guess I also want some objective support.

My post above sucked! I felt pretty shook up at the time. When both of us originally met I it was a fast moving relationship. He pushed me a lot, and he was actually my first boyfriend. I felt extremely happy, and we lived in each others pockets, rang each other alll the time and spent ALL weekend together. We both own houses. So we used to do our best to share between both. We used to talk about the uture a lot in the early days and he did say that

* He didn't want kids instantly.
* Wouldn't want a church wedding (anti-catholic)

He often used to talk about "when" we got .. this together, and that drifted to "if". 6 months ago we had talks about this and I stupidly said I would give it another whille to see how things went. I basically fell back into his arms, becuase I thought then that a break up would hurt too much (great!! tough girl that I was!!)

So, I asked him about the future again last week and he said we could get a house together in 4 years!! I am almost 32. I love this guy with all my heart, I really do. I thought he was the one.

I aciddentally called him today (speed dial), and he called over and we had another chat. He doesn't have problem with commitment, he just doesn't want kids. But I do. I miss him a lot, but I'm just trying to justify and remind myself that in years to come I will look back at this time and know that I did right.

Thanks for listening

atlantis

Yikes for a minute there I thought you were describing me until I realised I'm not 35. Look for some people commitment is something they just cant handle, I know coz i'm one of them. If I even think that I'll have to commit to a new relationship I run a mile. Ye both want different things so I think you made the right choice in leaving. You'll find someone new but in the mean time enjoy being single, go out and have fun. Happy Hunting.

The Corinthian

I see... I suspect he is a bit of a commitment-phobe, despite his protestations. I suggest you move on with your life, otherwise you can forget having any kids.

Guest1 wrote:

He pushed me a lot, and he was actually my first boyfriend.

Err... can I ask how come you managed not to have a boyfriend until you were 29 - 30?

Evilution

Guest1 wrote:

* He didn't want kids instantly.

Just as well really, or you'd be up $hit creek. They take about 9 months to spawn normally.

nesf

The Corinthian wrote:

I see... I suspect he is a bit of a commitment-phobe, despite his protestations. I suggest you move on with your life, otherwise you can forget having any kids.

Err... can I ask how come you managed not to have a boyfriend until you were 29 - 30?

I know plenty of people in that situation mate, it's not a happy one but it tends to be self-perpetuating after a while.

The Corinthian wrote:

Getting a man to commit is much like boiling a frog in water. Throw the frog in a pot of boiling water and he’ll do his best to jump right out again. Throw him into a pot of cold water and heat it gently and the frog will happily paddle oblivious to the fact that he’s being boiled alive.

Very good analogy, mind if i steal it for elsewhere?

LegacyUser

nesf wrote:

I know plenty of people in that situation mate, it's not a happy one but it tends to be self-perpetuating after a while.

And by self-perpetuating you mean?? Thats a very generalized comment??

nesf

Guest1 wrote:

nesf wrote:

I know plenty of people in that situation mate, it's not a happy one but it tends to be self-perpetuating after a while.

And by self-perpetuating you mean?? Thats a very generalized comment??

By self perpertuating I mean that the situation tends to lend itself to continuing. When you are single, it sometimes is easier to just stay single, especially if you've not been with anyone for a long while. For instance, being single for a long period can damage a person's confidence in their ability or suitability to be with someone else, thus they can tend to avoid relationships, thus the situation is self-perpetuating, in that because the person is in the situation makes them more likely to continue as such. I don't think it's overly generalized, most of the "dedicated" single people I know, ie those who have been single for more than 3-4 years, make very little effort to change the situation, mostly due to lack of confidence or comfort with the fact that they have been single for so long. I also know it from limited personal experience, where I've been single for about 2 years now, and I've become very comfortable with being single, and hardly make any effort to seek out a relationship these days. I'm resigned to the fact I'm single and because I'm resigned to it I'm more likely to stay that way.

I hope that answers your question.

Iago

That's very interesting Nesf, I think it works the other way too, when you're used to being in a couple you throw yourself back into relationships as soon as one ends, again confidence and perhaps "habit" can lead to this. a conversation for another thread though

The Corinthian

nesf wrote:

I'm resigned to the fact I'm single and because I'm resigned to it I'm more likely to stay that way.

Thank you. You have reaffirmed my faith in the principle of Natural Selection.

pickarooney

Why is not wanting to have children automatically a fear of commitment? There are all manner of reasons not to want to have children. Those of you with them will know all the sacrifices required just to keep them safe and alive. Not wanting to make those sacrifices, or simply not being enamoured with the idea of littler versions of you don't necessarily indicate a fear of anything. A firm decision not to have children is not a sign of fear or cowardice in the way that not making a decision and hoping someone else or fate will decide for you.

To the OP, I know you were upset when you wrote the first post, but you seem to have decided that your desire to have children is stronger than your need to be with him. That's fine, and not uncommon. But don't then go saying that he only wanted a fúck-buddy; you're at an impasse on this serious issue, his wishes are as important as yours. AFAICT, he didn't decide his desire not to have children was more important than being with you.

nesf

The Corinthian wrote:

Thank you. You have reaffirmed my faith in the principle of Natural Selection.

lol, I'm being evasive of relationships not of sleeping with people mate...

Steven

The Corinthian wrote:

Thank you. You have reaffirmed my faith in the principle of Natural Selection.

Harsh. The man did his best to convey his point of view and that's how you respond? Haven't we moved past childish insults yet?

Iago wrote:

That's very interesting Nesf, I think it works the other way too, when you're used to being in a couple you throw yourself back into relationships as soon as one ends, again confidence and perhaps "habit" can lead to this.

Heh, serial monogamists.
I'm not sure if it's a habit that you develop, or if it's just that some people are naturally predisposed towards it, but a surprisingly large number of people I know fall into one of these two categories. It could be a little of both.
I would give examples, but the people in question occasionally read the boards and you can't be too careful

Whoops, is that off topic? Delete if necessary.

The Corinthian

Steven wrote:

Harsh. The man did his best to convey his poinst of view and that's how you respond? Haven't we moved past childish insults yet?

You seem to have taken the comment to heart far more than he did. I take it you once were, or still are, bullied in school?

Ren0

I'm going to go with a please Chris...

Gordon

The Corinthian wrote:

You seem to have taken the comment to heart far more than he did. I take it you once were, or still are, bullied in school?

TC, as Bru would say - read the charter as regards to comments such as this.