in love with the wrong guy??

Winnie

well basically, i am in love with a guy from work and he is madly in love with me. but here is the catch, he lives in Belfast, has two kids and recently seperated from his wife. Plus he is alot older than me although that bit doesnt bother me. We cant decide whether to just be friends as its hard, or go through hurting people and dissappointing them just so we can be together, and even then we have no guarantees we will work if we are a proper couple!! help!!

koneko

Did they seperate properly, or is he still living with his wife?

Mercury

First thing that stands out to me is how can you both claim to be madly in love with each other, when you haven't even entered into a relationship yet? As much as I appreciate the romantic notion of love at first sight, realistically, are you ready to take on the responsibility of a ready made family?

I think whatever you choose, a slowly-slowly approach is definitely recommended, for all parties involved, especially you...

Winnie

he has moved out nearly a year ago and is back living with his parents til he can find his own place again. just goes back to her to get the kids.

Winnie

well we have been having some kind of relationship for the last year. he comes down to see me nearly every week for about 2 days or so, so we know each other pretty well.

BaZmO*

Winnie wrote:

help!!

With what exactly?

Help with deciding whether the two of you should stay together or call it a day?
If so, I'm afraid that's a decision that only the two of you can decide.

B.

Winnie

i know it something we need to decide just looking for some advice is all

D!ve^Bomb!

well what's the problem? why can't you be together?

Winnie

the problem is my family wont be too happy with it for starters, then there is his family and two kids to deal with. and alsothe problem of him living so far away

cajun_tiger

are things good at the mo??

with it being un official dating?

D!ve^Bomb!

well how old is he? how old is his kids? how old are you? do you always do what your family wants?

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

i know it something we need to decide just looking for some advice is all

no amount of advice we can give you will make a blind bit of difference, nor should it.
If you want to be with him badly and are madly in love with him, why should anything we say change your mind?

Beruthiel

Winnie wrote:

the problem is my family wont be too happy with it for starters

so what?
is this your life or theirs?

then there is his family and two kids to deal with

and?

and alsothe problem of him living so far away

you can always move

sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to do this

D!ve^Bomb!

agreed

simu

Winnie wrote:

well basically, i am in love with a guy from work and he is madly in love with me. but here is the catch, he lives in Belfast, has two kids and recently seperated from his wife. Plus he is alot older than me although that bit doesnt bother me. We cant decide whether to just be friends as its hard, or go through hurting people and dissappointing them just so we can be together, and even then we have no guarantees we will work if we are a proper couple!! help!!

What age are you? What age is he? (you sound quite young).

The whole thing sounds like too much hassle to me - the sooner you break up with him, the sooner you can find another person to fall in love with.

Cactus Col

simu wrote:

What age are you? What age is he? (you sound quite young).

That's what I thought too.

But, as long as you're an adult you can do what you like.

If your family isnt too happy about it, then they will either, be great when it fails, or learn to live with it if it succeeds.

Winnie

im 25 and he is 40. and things are great with us now when we see each other but its not enough and dont like having to hide from everyone. adn moving onto to someone else is easier said than done at the mo!

BaZmO*

Winnie wrote:

im 25 and he is 40

I don't think that that's a huge gap tbh. And why do you have to hide your relationship from everybody? You're both adults, what's the big deal??
You're not really given much away here considering you are looking for advice.

B.

Suaimhneach

It's your life, not your families.

If you love him, you can manage moving, or he could.

The kids don't have to know about your relationship until you are comfortable with the idea of them knowing about you two.

It's your decision in the end of it all.

lacuna

I don't see what the problem is. Unless you have huge responsibilities to stay where you are, why not move? If it doesn't work out, then you can move again, or maybe you'll find you like where you've moved to that you won't bother moving again.

There's no point in not doing things in case your family won't like it. It's not their life you're living. They'll be happy for you if you're happy. I'm sure they want what's best for you. Sometimes you have to show them what's best for you by simply doing what you want.

You shouldn't let his children sway your decision on getting into a relationship with him. They'll have to adjust to him getting into a relationship with someone at some stage. There's a chance that they mightn't even find it such a big deal.

I think if you're madly in love wih him then you should try and be more positive about it. It'll make the situation easier. Like I said earlier, even if it doesn't work out in the end, what will you have lost?

Winnie

i know you are right, i guess im just scared that if we give it a go and it doesnt work i will lose him altogether and his friendship which is very important to me

simu

I'd keep him as a friend only. 40's too old and kids are a pain if they're not yours, at your age.

Winnie

well after all guys, we have decided to come out int the open and tell everybody! wish me luck!!!

Beruthiel

best of luck!