people this is mine just looking for feedback

rorygbluz

Sarah

Mam loves me.Dad loves me but sometimes they fight.Usually when me and Niamh
are asleep(she’s 3 my sister).By the way I’m seven.I love the stories Mam tells me.
They were like Dad’s before he had to live with his Mam again.My Mam cannot do the dragon voice like Dad did .I ask her why and she start to cry .Niamh gives her a cuddle.
Niamh is great.Last week she played Barbie with me.Mam was out cutting the grass.
on her own.Usually Dad did that but he is with Nana.Nana does not like Mam very much.Nan says the F word too much and when Nan ,Dad and Mam were in the kitchen last week they said the F word 17 times ...I counted.


I had to miss school too.My Dad used to watch Sky with me and the football,But then he’d get a beep beep on his mobile phone,say the F word to Mam and he’d be gone.
Niamh cries a lot.Mam cries a lot.I don’t cry.Dad told me not to.He’s my Dad.He knows every year Liverpool won the championship.He told me one night in bed and he talked very funny.I mean very funny.Afterwards He said the F word to Mam and broke the kettle.I missed school next day ‘cos Mam had an appointment with Dr O Sullivan.Dad had to sleep so I made breakfast for Niamh.It was great. I was Mam for a while.She loves Co- co pops.

I cannot cry.I cannot cry.Niamh’s coco pops are all over the telly.Dad threw me on the couch,Niamh is bawling.Dad said the F word to Niamh 10 times.I love my Dad but I’m scared now.He never said the F word to us before only to Mam and Nan.
Niamh an me hold together while Dad is in the kitchen.He is lookin for something
‘cos hes makin so much noise.The phone rings....

Niamh is bawling again.Dad pulled the phone off the wall( I remember him and Mam when I was 3 buyin’it in Roches stores)He threw it and hit Niamh on the nose.She’s bleeding.I will not cry.
My dad is gone.Me and Niamh went into the kitchen.’Twas like when Niamh was one.
Our table is all broke.All my fridge drawings all torn up.Mam’s picture is all torn up too..I found wipes for Niamh’s nose.Must be a burglar I told her.I say Dad is gone to the Gards to find out..I miss Mam ‘cos Dad hit Niamh by accident with the phone.

Dad’s gone to get the Gards I think but you know what.I found the phone he uses when hes watchin Sky.Up in his room.I mean Mam and Dad’s room before Dad had to leave temper- ary she said.Cos she says Dad has a temper- ary problem.Any way I called the Gards in case Dad had no luck.They said on Sky with Dad that the police will not come straight away.Always having bank robbers and stuff to do.
Well I have to tell you that is not true....After I called The Gards on Dads Liverpool phone a woman Gard was hittin’ the door very hard...And I mean very hard.Niamh was ok but all her snots were all black and stuff.I gave Niamh a cuddle.Do you know what the Gards did.They broke our hall door.I was very scared.I will not cry .Dad told me not to.(Niamh cried even though but I was her temper-ary Mam)







Niamh screamed.Da..Daddy. I was there I was there.Mam was not.Two Garda cars
Came not one but two.I missed my Da. He was so great.But since then all the F words do not go in my ears anymore.

“Dad said not to cry ,“I told.Niamh. My Dad said the dragons will come ...breathe fire..eat you up...That scared Niamh.
Niamh did not cry either after that.
Mam was put where the doctors made her stop crying.
Dad had to go work in Eye Rack as an very important person
Me and Niamh.......

She went to a special place the Gards lady said she had to go
Me.. I have a lovely family now.
The car they have is huge.
The garden is like a field.
But my Mam is in the cryin place.
My Dad in Eye Rack.
But Niamh....Dad always told me not to cry but I have to.
I really miss my Niamh.



The phone rang again.I let it ring out again.It rang again.I knew who it was calling.
I was so scared to pick it up.To hear that voice.The past to me now was history.Something you read about.Not something to call you at 4.15 on a Saturday.
The past was past.The hurt healed but it rang and rang.I slumped in my pillow to take the past away.It still rang.It stopped.
My room tore silence from the walls.My pictures held still on my dresser.
Niamh’s communion photo held me.Maybe it was.Nah..
Well gone now
It rang.
I answered.

Floods flashed my mind a mess.”Hello”
Beep beep beep the tone droned in my heart.Could have been Niamh I thought.
The pillow again was my tear soaked place to be.The time to take was now I thought
A remote phone call from the past.You see I knew.I really knew.It was either my Niamh,Mam or the Dad I used to love.Did not matter a **** really.
Rolling to heaven under a parked car ,enough scag in my veins to roll further did not really condition a phone call from the past.A phone call from the ****in future would make more sense.I pissed my self again,**** it
Did you ever experience heroin.It takes all the ****in hurt away.Really does.
****in phone.I answered it this time.




Ya but this time the spire stared down at me.I could see the stars.They could not see me.I heard echoes tumblin’.Slut..junkie..whore.Words whizzing.But the pain was gone .I felt great.My phone rang again.Call from the spire.We are connected you know.See the ground soaks the waves from the Spire.It rang again.My heaven is taken
The spire moves.I move.Feels so ****in great.Kind people.Fluffy pillows.I get more crap into me from a movin van.Feel so ****in great.Buildings fly by.The nice guy holds me.He is cool .Blanket pillow and more gear in my arm.He talks lovely.His friend is drivin.I cannot move my arms cos I want to hug him.He is great but the place where I was is being sucked away.They have a thing over me.It is taking me down.Only for her breathing the good lookin fella said.
I can’t ****in’ breath.I panic .Where is my pnone.The nice guy holds me.Its ok pet I have it,just relax..I do.I jerk and hold.I cannot move my arms.What the ****.Cold air gravs me as I see staring faces.Bright lights.I move on my own.All I see is up.All I hear is pity.Poor cratur.look at her.bright lights end .I swirl.Another needle robs my vision,not my hearing that is good.They are speaking in a different language..Di something azine thirty mill.Pro hatrodope 20 mil.This is ****in great.Soon their language melts into visions and dreams.I hear nothing,I see nothing only dream.

Oh my ****in’ God.What in the name of ****.I try to move but my arms and legs are tied.My head feels like the night after the cider in Cabra.(Jimmy ****ed me that night but left me supping cider on my own).Jesus ****in Christ..A kind face filled the frame.Ok pet.drink this now.God she was nice.Reminded me of my Mam.
I drank the plastic cup she gave me.Tasted like ****e.She rubbed my forehead and stared at me as she looked at the watch on her left tit.She had kind caring eyes with a name badge saying Sarah O brien by her watch.I liked Sarah O Brien..
Sarah had a big beautiful face that said “come on over to my place give you breakfast,cup of coffee and a hot buttered scone”.
Sarah was a nice person.In those evil days in the ward she was my saviour.I never had someone that cared for me like that even after the crazy times..The Crazy times left me holding onto reality but reality left me in my teens

edibility

Its failry good, I take it you're trying to write from the perspective of the character's age? One thing though: grammar, punctuation, and there's a wee bit of repition there. Try just changing a sentence or two so it flows better and edit it so the lay out is better and punctuation correct other than that touching story.

MojoMaker

I loved it. Hard, gritty, and more than a hint of trainspotting about it, not merely through the theme but the fast-paced jagged delivery (which I assume is deliberate )

Nice work! If your next one is the same then I'll smell a rat

Hardy

hey, I enjoyed it. I liked the story, I must say. Coming from a seven year old perspective - that was interesting. I like that bit about counting how many times Nan, Mam and Dad said the F word!

Looking forward to the next piece

BEAT

very deep, abstract..coming together
it makes you think.

I like it