The Whirlpool

the smiley one

This is really my first proper piece of writing, and I'm very nervous, so be honest but not too brutal if possible..........thanks

The Whirlpool

Waters dark and murky
You and me opposing
Each other, clashing
Raging and struggling. Muddled.
Round and round
Giving in
To the defiant force of it
Converging in a current of abuses
We submit to it’s destructive and unyielding battle
Stewing in our own momentum
No will to stop
Then - plug is pulled.

Down we go,
In unison.

the raven

it's a nice poem. impressive for a beginner.
nice words, engaging vowels.
love the word "muddled".
nice alliteration, you're not too liberal with your use of it, a good thing.

like this line, "Stewing in our own momentum"

bit melodramatic in places.

you show a lot of potential.

goin'_to_the_PS

the smiley one wrote:

This is really my first proper piece of writing, and I'm very nervous, so be honest but not too brutal if possible..........thanks

The Whirlpool

Giving in
To the defiant force of it
.

i know its much better than the sh'it i write but i feel the need to ask about this, defiant, does it not mean to "boldly resist", what is it resisting?

the smiley one

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

i know its much better than the sh'it i write but i feel the need to ask about this, defiant, does it not mean to "boldly resist", what is it resisting?

I really meant it more in an emotional sense, as in the state of mind of the people, the atmosphere; the friction that existed between them - neither wanting to back down and admit defeat, and eventually, the irony of the whole thing, was that defeat ensued; regardless of their wishes.
I know that's a bit mixed up, but I find it hard to verbalise exactly what I want to express.

thank you for your kind comments both raven and PS; has given me a bit of confidence, so please anybody else, do your worst.... (I'd appreciate it really!)

the raven

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

i know its much better than the sh'it i write but i feel the need to ask about this, defiant, does it not mean to "boldly resist", what is it resisting?

don't knock yourself down man, it's all relative.

i'd understand it as that it won't ever give in so you have no other choice but to.

the smiley one

the raven wrote:

i'd understand it as that it won't ever give in so you have no other choice but to.

Also that of course, hence the image of the whirlpool. it's a while since I wrote it (year or so) so obviously I cannot remember all the precise reasons for language choice, but it's coming back to me.

the raven

the smiley one wrote:

has given me a bit of confidence, so please anybody else, do your worst.... (I'd appreciate it really!)

i'm usually a very cutting critic, so if you want to post something else up fire away, i won't hold back. plus i would like to see some more of your stuff anyway.