feel so disgusting

LegacyUser

regular boards poster but as this is a very very sensitive issue for me i'd rather go unreg.

ok the story is, about 6 years ago i was raped by a much older man. it took me a long time to get over this as he took my virginity and basically ruined my life.

the thing is, about a year and a half after the rape i started seeing a great guy and eventually let myself get close to him. we ended up going out for 2 years and while it wasnt always perfect, i cant say that it was a bad relationship. when it came to sex i was incredibly scared and he waited a long time before we slept together (he didnt know that i was raped but he knew that i had a "bad experience" with the man before him). things were going fine until i discovered that i had an STD, genital warts. my boyfriend of the time got tested too and he was all clear so the only possibility is that i got them from the man who raped me. needless to say i was devastated all over again. here i was thinking i had moved on and put it behind me only to find out that this bástard had left a permanent mark on me. my boyfriend was very supportive (after a few days of understandable shock and uncertainty) and our breakup months later had nothing to do with the std. since then i haven't had a boyfriend as i cant go through having to tell anybody what i have. i get myself checked out regularly and get the treatment when i need to, i've read all the leaflets and am well aware that this is one of the most common std's at the moment.....and yet theres such a huge stigma attached to it that i couldnt bear having to tell a potential partner and seeing the look of disgust on his face.

when myself and the boyfriend broke up i went a bit nuts and did sleep around a bit....but i ALWAYS used a condom. i would never put anyone through what i went through. the thing is, now i feel like i would like to get into a relationship. theres a guy i absolutely adore and he seems to like me but i dont think i could tell him. i feel so disgusting and horrible and if he ever found out im sure thats how he would see me. i cant let anyone get close to me even though i want to.

i recently told my best friend about it when i was drunk. a few days prior to this the subject of std's came up when we were sitting around in college and when genital warts were mentioned she just screwed up her face and would say nothing but "thats disgusting, ugh thats so vile".....and shes right. it is disgusting and it sickens me to think of what i have. she was speechless when i told her and i got quite upset and told her i didnt want to talk about it. this was before xmas but i havent seen her since. we've talked on the phone and through texts and stuff but not face to face. she hasnt mentioned it since. im going to see her tomorrow and im dreading it.

i just feel so disgusting and cant imagine any guy ever wanting me. and now my best friend probably thinks im a dirtbag.
i just dont know what to do. after the rape i swore to myself that that bástard wouldnt ruin my life but he has. he's fúcked it up good and proper!

i know i sound pathetic but i feel so lost. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Beruthiel

unwanted wrote:

when genital warts were mentioned she just screwed up her face and would say nothing but "thats disgusting, ugh thats so vile".....and shes right

first off, I question this girls friendship, or, perhaps you understood her incorrectly - none of this is your fault. The only thing disgusting about this is the man who raped you. Don't add to your pain by thinking these kind of thoughts about yourself.
You haven't mentioned if you have talked to a councillor, if you haven't, do so - immediately - you just have to so you can start to move on.

i just feel so disgusting and cant imagine any guy ever wanting me

that is so not true, and again, I need to stress how important it is to talk to a professional in order to learn how wrong this thinking is. How could anyone look at you with disgust when they learn what you have been through? in short, they couldn't

and now my best friend probably thinks im a dirtbag

and if she did think like this, then she is not a friend.

please go talk to someone asap,
does your college have a councillor? if it does, go see them.
best of luck
a

WhiteWashMan

i know sometimes its hard, but try to remember one thing; the reaction of your friend was down to the thought of genital warts, not a reflection on you.

i know someone who hates baked beans, and will get sick at the thought of eating them, let alone having abath in them. but they dont think any less of me becuase i like them

much of what you have written is based on your assumptions on how other people feel. i find it is much better to *know* what other people feel.

i think you are putting to much emphesis on an std that, as you say, is the most common one around. it is not a reflection of you, your life styule or your personality. its a by product of your unfortunate experience, and to be honest, i think you appear to be focused on this aliment, rather than on the act itself. as if you are putting all your unhappiness into this std, rather than inthe actual act itself.
of course, im only an ametuer psychologist, so what would i know
but i would suggest that you talk to a councillor, and no one has to know that you ever had an std until you are ready to tell your partner (in the future) and you know that your partner is not going to care one jot (as long as you still dont have one! )

Sleepy

Repeat after me: "This is not my fault". I'm sure your friend realises this and she probably feels terrible about the fact she's hurt you (obviously unintentionally). She may be a bit awkward around you at first but remember that the reason for this is that she's feeling guilty about what she said as a presumably off the cuff remark.

We can't change our pasts but we have some degree of control over the future. Don't let that bastárd ruin the rest of your life.

And trust me, no guy worth a damn would hold this against you on hearing your story.

koneko

From the original story I get that her friend made the "ugh warts" comment before she found out her friend has them. I'm sure she feels bad about that.

But as others have said, this is not your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty or bad over. I would recommend counselling or talking to someone that's qualified in the matters of the mind, to help get over the awful experience you went through, and don't let this hold you back or change things for you.

Sleepy

koneko wrote:

From the original story I get that her friend made the "ugh warts" comment before she found out her friend has them. I'm sure she feels bad about that.

Yeah, that was my impression too...

cajun_tiger

WHAT ARE THEY?

Just as you can get warts on your hands there are also other kinds of warts that can occur on the genital area. They are caused by strains (serotypes) of a virus called the human papilloma virus (HPV).
HOW DO I GET THEM?
The virus is passed on through skin to skin contact with someone who is infected.
HOW SOON DO THEY SHOW UP?
Once you have caught the virus it can be weeks or even months before warts appear. Some people become infected and never develop visible warts.

Warts can be different sizes and found in different parts of the genital organs.

In women they are found in the vulva, vagina, cervix and around the anus. Genital Warts are associated with abnormal changes in cells and can contribute to genital cancers (especially cervical cancer). NB All women who are or have been sexually active should have regular cervical smears.

For guys the warts can be on the glans or shaft of the penis, over the genital skin or around the anus.

CAN IT BE CURED?
Large clusters of warts usually have to be removed surgically. Smaller warts can be treated with repeated careful application of caustic agents. Often the application needs to be carried out in a GU clinic though sometimes the weaker agent may be self-applied at home. Always consult a doctor before commencing treatment for HPV.

joc_06

People can just blurt things out. It was nothing personal. Its been done to me many times.
I hope you get through this. And i hope the guy who raped you is in jail or rotting in hell.

cajun_tiger

as i child i got warts on my hand and got rid of them from using lemon essential oils. and other things, they are curable.
go talk to a doctor, i found the one's in the guide clinic in james' very nice when i went for a general check up. get the imformation on how to get rid of them and put it behind you.
not one body in the world is bacteria free or infection free. everyone has had something, warts aren't very nice i know but you can get rid of them.
xxxx lots of love and suport xxxx

Red Alert

your post was one of those posts that made me quite upset to read. well done for putting it down in writing as it can't have been very easy, even as unregistered with what you've been through

firstly, professional help (from the RIGHT person) is what you need at the moment. the way this has come back to hit you appears all too often, in many cases it's why people remember rape/abuse years on and only report it then. some professional counselling really will help sort out your thoughts in your head and will try to get to the bottom of why you're feeling the way you are. it's essential you get a counsellor you can trust, because it only works when you can open up with this person. probably better to go to someone you'd never see/meet otherwise (perhaps at the other side of town), because at the early stages of counselling you need to be able to say it all there and leave what was said behind you.

your friend didn't realise the significance of what she was saying. it's an awful condition to have and to have to treat, but remember that what she said was about the condition, NOT the person.

I hope everything goes ok for you, and that when you feel ready to trust a guy again that you'll end up with someone who really deserves you.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies guys. its all much appreciated.

i know i should probably go see somebody because i never did after the rape happened. guess i thought i could move on by myself and get over it and i honestly thought i had, until this happened.
i know her hurting me wasnt intentional but in a way it just showed me how people hear "std" "genital warts" etc and automatically go "uuuuugh thats sick". it was just such a shock that my mate would think like that. but at the end of the day she didnt know and i cant expect people to be automatically understanding about this kind of thing when they have clearly had no dealings with anything like it.

thanks Cajun for posting the info and while you can get rid of the warts themselves, the virus cant be cured. i go the well woman clinic quite regularly for check-ups and the nurse gave me all the info, such as the increased risk of cervical cancer, the warts coming back when im run-down, and also any major hormonal changes in the body can bring them on....such as pregnancy.

i'm going to see my mate in a few hours and im not sure how its going to go. chances are she wont even mention it, and its certainly not something i plan to bring up. she's the second person i've ever told and it was torture.

anyway, thanks again guys.
x

Beruthiel

Unwanted wrote:

i know i should probably go see somebody because i never did after the rape happened. guess i thought i could move on by myself and get over it and i honestly thought i had, until this happened

this sort of thing never goes away until you face it head on, it just lies below the surface till something brings it back up, it can effect you in all sorts of ways

have you decided to go see a professional?
please do
a

WhiteWashMan

the more you talk about it, the more you can talk about it and the easier it becomes to deal with it.

there is no need to be frightened or nervous. being ashamed is for being caught masturbating in the office while looking at nazi dwarves in bondage gear on the internet.*

im sure you will be fine. just remember not to take her first reaction as a reflection on you. it may be as hard for someone to listen to what you are saying, as it is for you to say it.




*this never happened to me. it was never proven...

ven0m

WhiteWashMan wrote:

this never happened to me. it was never proven...

Will the person who caught you say same or have they been instituionalised as a result of catching you "allegedly" in the act? LMAO


::: ven0mous :::

WhiteWashMan

no, they went back to school to learn about the use of clauses in sentences.

Nasty_Girl

Hey "unwanted",
this may sound like an old fashioned concept but if a guy loves you before he sleeps with you then the warts wont matter, you said yourself that your boyfriend didn't mind once he got over the initial shock and it had nothing to do with your break up

Kell

unwanted wrote:

ok the story is, about 6 years ago i was raped by a much older man. it took me a long time to get over this as he took my virginity and basically ruined my life.

the subject of std's came up when we were sitting around in college

That long ago and the fact that you are still in college put the incident happening at mid teens, perhaps the vilest time that it could happen. That stage of your life is supposed to be concreting your perception of what you have learned up to that point, and as you pointed out, someone comes along and buckles it for you.

I think, that your perception of the depth of your friends reaction doesnt stop at just that particular reaction. Do you frequently gauge the worst of what people will think about something you are about to say to them? If so, then this is the betrayal of trust that happened during the rape coming out in the way you perceive how people will react. Looking at it from that perspective will help you see how much the incident actually affected your life.

I am with Ruthie and Red Alert. Many therapists can help with the aftermath of the rape i.e. how you cope with the world stuff, but if you require specific help in confronting the actual rape, then specific therapy (like the rape crisis centre) is the way to go.

I cant stress enough how important it is for you to attend some form of therapy; and I really dont mean to sound like I am lecturing you. I have seen too many lives wasted because the person hasnt been aware of the source of their ongoing problems and, as a result, could never take any steps to help themselves.

K-

LegacyUser

i was raped when i was 16, by my boyfriend at the time.
i said no more than once,he took my virginity and has left me with a hate so bad towards most men...
you should talk it through with someone you trust. it helped me alot i went to my school counceler. it was still weird though most of my mates that i told said i should grow up, i had sex and should face it.
but its not that easy,

good luck in the future hope you get over it, it happened to me 5 years ago and i'm still not right but they do say time heals all wounds

Nevyn

Rape is not something you 'get over' ever,
but you learn to live with the fact that it has happened.

It can and will colour a whole heap of interactions you have with people,
even simple everyday stuff can upset and freak you out.

A professional councillor will help you identify these and help you
learn how to techniques cope with your reactions
and to draw boundaries to when you are reacting because of your past encounters or wether someone's behaviour is out of line.

It what happened in hugely negatively impacting on your life the you are still a rape victum,
if you can get on with your life with what has happened then you are a rape survivour.

Good luck to both of you and anyone else out there who is dealing with this,
may you all figured this out and still live happy lifes.