My furst poeem

catspring

First attempt so be complete bastards and STOP THESE ATROCITIES FROM Happening again!!!

Old Bag

Like a nesting bird yelps for worms
The gapping bag hungers
The night's supplies.
The cash cards flash hard
Plastic passion
Lipstick, eyeliner,
black, in fashion
A stray wire.
A secret stash for hash
small with tight zip.
Encounters and numbers
on paper with rip.
Honk, Honk!
The front door lights up.
The taxi arrives
to change our lives
The old bag still hungry
gulps keys with glee
we are free.

goin'_to_the_PS

. I'd say good(thats not even taking into account its your first time :eek: ). You didn't feel the need to add normaly, unused words, unlike most poets HERE, they feel like a poem is something that use words because there lenght and abnormality, rather than what they.
Would love to see some more of your poems


EDIT/Just read it again and now i understand it, brilliant, best poem i've read in along time, honest

the raven

it's very good as a first time effort, at least you're not constricted by the misenterpretations of what poetry is.

and PS, some of us use the vocabulary we are familiar with and are accustomed to using on a regular basis. why should we detract from the connotations of a particular word by using a simpler one?? answer me that. there's more to words than the complicated organisation of letters presenting them on the page.

goin'_to_the_PS

the raven wrote:

. why should we detract from the connotations of a particular word by using a simpler one?? .

you shouldn't if thats how you talk in real life then fair enough, but i feel the reason poems are unpopular is because, some people (including myself) will have to go look up some words in poems. You can't say that most people understood all words in your poems. So by using simpler words i feel like it more people might read and write poetry.

the raven

PS, i think this is an important discussion, probably not suited to this particular thread, but i'll make a quick point. i disagree with you saying that poetry is unpopular, maybe in your social environment you're just not exposed to it? in one of the biggest broadsheet's of the nation there is a quite prestigous and well established annual literary competition which, of course, includes poetry. i'm sure they're not lacking in entrants any year.
to your point regarding the verbosity of language used in poetry i say, do you not feel better at gaining a deeper understanding, to which you can better identify with, when you do look up such words? in fact i love finding words i don't understand, finding out the different nuances that can be applied to it and how exactly the writer who used it meant it to be comprehended. granted it can be frustrating when all it seems you are doing is looking in the dictionary rather than enjoying the written piece...

catspring

would just like to state that the above poem was written by FreaK_BrutheR, he was signed in under my name and was obviously being too lazy.
i'm doing this because i wouldn't like to take credit for such a fabulous piece of literature.

ok markus?

oh, and good work on the poem, maybe i shoulda traken the credit...

BEAT

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

you shouldn't if thats how you talk in real life then fair enough, but i feel the reason poems are unpopular is because, some people (including myself) will have to go look up some words in poems. You can't say that most people understood all words in your poems. So by using simpler words i feel like it more people might read and write poetry.

before I comment on this quote I will tell the poster of the poem,
it is reminicent of a Jack Kerouac poem from his book
Mexico City Blues...
that is a compliment in itself.

goin' to the ps....I seriously am considering banning you because I cant tell if you are a spammer or just really that closed off to the literary world. I cant fathom why someone who is not well read in something can possibly make these criticism's? You have already admitted you are not as educated as most but to say Poetry is not popular because of certain words and that you believe most people have to look up words to understand poetry is just absurd. You will find that the general poetry reader is well versed and does not require an explanation to enjoy a piece of work.
I would suggest that before you criticize our posters on thier word usage you take a course or become more educated in the area of that which you so freely like to criticize.

Now, back on topic to everyone , it is not fair to the poster to have taken the thread away from them with your queries.
Start a thread elsewhere for such debating.

Fysh

That was very very good, and even more so if it's a first attempt. I don't often like poetry, for various reasons, but everything about this piece seems to work : the flow and rhythm, the use and placement of words, the simple imagery that still manages to paint a picture. A fine piece of work, all things considered.

Miles

BEAT wrote:

before I comment on this quote I will tell the poster of the poem,
it is reminicent of a Jack Kerouac poem from his book
Mexico City Blues...
that is a compliment in itself.

Funny you should mention that. I just got it from a used book store.

solas

great poem, I really like it.

off topic

p.s. wrote:

You didn't feel the need to add normaly, unused words, unlike most poets HERE, they feel like a poem is something that use words because there lenght and abnormality, rather than what they.

I do appreciate someone with no preconceived ideas who can offer a fresh perspective the pedants poetry can seem pretentious at times and restrained because of that. Let your pen flow free, poetry is about expression not about impressing the masses, but I'm sure they would appreciate a spell check occasionally..and keep reading the poetry here, you can learn by example.
but always be yourself.

goin'_to_the_PS

BEAT wrote:

before I comment on this quote I will tell the poster of the poem,
it is reminicent of a Jack Kerouac poem from his book
Mexico City Blues...
that is a compliment in itself.

goin' to the ps....I seriously am considering banning you because I cant tell if you are a spammer or just really that closed off to the literary world. I cant fathom why someone who is not well read in something can possibly make these criticism's? You have already admitted you are not as educated as most but to say Poetry is not popular because of certain words and that you believe most people have to look up words to understand poetry is just absurd. You will find that the general poetry reader is well versed and does not require an explanation to enjoy a piece of work.
I would suggest that before you criticize our posters on thier word usage you take a course or become more educated in the area of that which you so freely like to criticize.

Now, back on topic to everyone , it is not fair to the poster to have taken the thread away from them with your queries.
Start a thread elsewhere for such debating.

i am not Criticiseing anything, i feel that if i or anyone can write something where someone who has little education can read over and understand it all and enjoy it might encourage them to become more involved in poetry.