and the lord says "let the word be made new"

goin'_to_the_PS

in response to another thread iv wrote my own poem in 3 and a half minutes........well how is it

when the flame of life is almost gone,
you can think back to when it shone bright
like the sun shine on the sky
and cast a watchful eye on the land below
but now its not soo bright,
the rose tinted window
which you look through are smashed,
and now all thats left,
is the fragments of your glass heart,
Fore when you saw
the real grim and dark world,
it cracked bcause truthfulness hurts

Lets see if you can figure out whats is about (ignore the title)

D!ve^Bomb!

pretty much that the world is a ****ed up place?

goin'_to_the_PS

not really, i'll let a few more guess's in before i say

Gordon

Age? Dunno tbh, after the first half I didn't find it very fluid due to the is/are mistakes so I lost the meaning quickly. Did you mean "For" instead of "Fore"?

I did like the essence of the first half though. Maybe you should translate it using your thesaurus and turn it into plain English .

goin'_to_the_PS

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

in response to another thread iv wrote my own poem in 3 and a half minutes........well how is it

when the flame of life is almost gone,
you can think back to when it shone bright
like the sun shine on the sky
and cast a watchful eye on the land below
but now its not soo bright,
the rose tinted window
which you look through are smashed,
and now all thats left,
is the fragments of your glass heart,
Fore when you saw
the real grim and dark world,
it cracked bcause truthfulness hurts

Lets see if you can figure out whats is about (ignore the title)

it refers to when someone leaves home first, the flame is the time till you leave there, the dimmer it gets the closer you are to leaving. The rose tinted windows(i.e everything seem soo perfect before and you have not a trouble in world). When it smashs thats it your on your own.

well i still have heard any "oh its crap" or "i'm in tears well done" some opinions please

MojoMaker

Do you understand the concept of singular/plural agreement?

Fragments of a glass heart is one of the enduring cliches in contemporary pulp fiction - i.e. should be avoided like the plague!

Correct the grammar and you would definitely get a pass mark based on 3 mins work.

the raven

why do most of the comments i see (in not just this thread, but in practically all the poetry threads) all give a pat on the back to, lets just say it, bad poetry?
is constructive criticism gone out the window?
i thought that in the interest of writing, an intelligent person would wish to improve on their tumbling baby-steps to a fully fledged run?? all i see are terrible, cliched rhyming schemes with ridiculous and banal themes!! can't anyone here actually, without tearing the "writer" to pieces, offer some harsh but necessary constructive criticism?? that's how any being progresses, goddamnit, by recognising their faults and continuing from there, improving on their respective interests!
unless of course if i've gotten the whole idea wrong here and all it is is for people to post a poem of their's as a form of masturbation?? to simply arouse themselves in a pathetic and vain manner, that others are reading and (ugh) "respecting" their work...

improve by reading and writing. a lot.
and accepting criticism.

but jesus don't give up if someone says your piece is bad. that's such a tragic waste and an insult to your brain.

fluich, i sound a bit like lisa simpson...

D!ve^Bomb!

the raven wrote:

why do most of the comments i see (in not just this thread, but in practically all the poetry threads) all give a pat on the back to, lets just say it, bad poetry?

i think everything in the world is based on an opinion.. a 'good' song, a 'good' film, and 'good' poem.. none of them are really good.. some people just have a good opinion of them.. some have a bad opinion..

What i'm getting at is, just because you see something as bad, doesn't mean everyone else does. It's your opinion

goin'_to_the_PS

the raven wrote:

why do most of the comments i see (in not just this thread, but in practically all the poetry threads) all give a pat on the back to, lets just say it, bad poetry?
is constructive criticism gone out the window?
i thought that in the interest of writing, an intelligent person would wish to improve on their tumbling baby-steps to a fully fledged run?? all i see are terrible, cliched rhyming schemes with ridiculous and banal themes!! can't anyone here actually, without tearing the "writer" to pieces, offer some harsh but necessary constructive criticism?? that's how any being progresses, goddamnit, by recognising their faults and continuing from there, improving on their respective interests!
unless of course if i've gotten the whole idea wrong here and all it is is for people to post a poem of their's as a form of masturbation?? to simply arouse themselves in a pathetic and vain manner, that others are reading and (ugh) "respecting" their work...

improve by reading and writing. a lot.
and accepting criticism.

but jesus don't give up if someone says your piece is bad. that's such a tragic waste and an insult to your brain.

fluich, i sound a bit like lisa simpson...

i can only see one cliche in my poem

BEAT

I see you have edited it, but there are still spelling and grammar issues.
I dont care for the poem at all...it seems thrown together and shows little or no respect of the english language.
Word placement...think about it.

Try again, show us something you put yourself into.

Fysh

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

in response to another thread iv wrote my own poem in 3 and a half minutes........well how is it

How about :

When the flame of life is almost gone,
your mind casts back to when it burned bright
like the sun hanging in the sky
Watchful eyes on the land below
But now its embers fade and die.

The rose -tinted windows are shattered and gone,
chill winds stirring the hearth,
ashes and dust all that remains.
Too late you try to rekindle that blaze,
the flames quenched forever by ethereal winds from beyond.

I think my version above works somewhat better, although this may be just because I removed the mistakes.

I'm not exactly an authority on poetry, but the original form had spelling and grammar mistakes, didn't have rhythm, used clichés and generally reflected how much time you put into it. There's not a lot I can say that's nice about this because, frankly, decent writing takes time. Your imagery was run-of-the-mill, with the possible exception of rose tinted windows, and the lack of rhythm or pace made for something wasn't really a rewarding read, and I can't say it would excite me into looking for other posts of yours.

That said : I'm a keen fan of constructive criticism, and while quality is relative there are certain aspects of writing that can be relatively objectively judged such as vocabulary, spelling and grammar, structure and rhythm. (D!ve^Bomb! - what you said about quality being relative sounds like a cop-out : if someone posts in a public forum for creative writing, they should expect their work to be judged. Getting defensive about negative feedback, especially on a piece which has only had about 3 minutes work put into it by the author's own admission, smacks of attention-whoredom and throwing toys out of your pram. But that's just my opinion of course )

So, to avoid future pieces getting comments such as this, I'd suggest the following:

Read lots (if you aren't already), and try to figure out why you like or don't like pieces. Try and review other material - by forcing yourself to examine other people's work you may figure out how to improve your own. Don't just stick to your favourite genre or subject matter either - you never know where you'll find some little nugget that really gets your imagination going. Read other people's comments on pieces as well; exposure to different opinions generally helps you improve your style.

Spend as much time as you can writing. Don't go for volume; try to build up a collection of pieces that are as good as you can make them. The occasional time-limit challenge is a fun way of testing your tools - how you handle language and rhythm, etc - but you're unlikely to write an amazing piece that way.

Specifically, I'd suggest working on your imagery - try to find new angles from which to look at the topic you're writing about. A thesaurus probably wouldn't hurt, if you don't already have one. If you decide you want to rhyme, decide what metre and structure you're using, and be ruthless with it. It's very annoying to read a half-arsed rhyming poem.

Hope this helps...

D!ve^Bomb!

Fysh wrote:

(D!ve^Bomb! - what you said about quality sounds like a cop-out : if someone posts in a public forum for creative writing, they expect to be judged. Getting defensive about negative feedback, especially on a piece which has only had about 3 minutes work put into it, smacks of attention-whoredom and throwing toys out of your pram. But that's just my opinion of course )

wooow! franky says relax:D

I'm no poet, far from it, i only stated that everything is based on opinion.. I wasn't trying to defend anything, i just thought the post that i was replying to could have been worded a little bit better.

MojoMaker

Do you really think the OP is genuinely interested in writing or just looking for another board to spam after being banned from what, half a dozen at this stage?

BEAT

at this stage I'd have to agree with you MM....but we will wait it out and see where it goes.

goin'_to_the_PS

i am genuinely interested. Also i wouldn,t think much of your posts MOJO between telling a fellow who need first date advice not to eat onions before going on it and another one you told them to wear extra lube condom???????? not a member i think can be valued alot

the raven

dear Fysh,
hear hear.
regards,
the raven.

Raphael

Not a great poem to be honest. No rhyme, no rhythm, repeated words (which is universally dodgy) and frequent errors. You should consider writing future work in MS word, or whatever equivalent you have, and spell checking it.

You have the basis for good poetry there, but you do need to work on it

goin'_to_the_PS

thanks, will try and spell check from now on