n00bz!

D!ve^Bomb!

Ok i've never actually posted here before, as a writer that is.. and to be honest i'm not much of a writer.. but at the moment i'm bored in work and i just felt like writing this..

the nest in which you have grown,
is the essence of life that you own,
the air carries it's sweet serentiy,
to take it all in is the key,
to look down is to disbelieve,
look up and you shall achieve,
believe in who you are,
you could just be that star,
the time has come to spread your word
so fly, fly away bird.

ge gentle

BEAT

Awe, I actually like that very much
it made me feel all warm inside...and now I want to fly

post some more, me thinks you have a knack for it

D!ve^Bomb!

cool:) well i don't have any more.. but will post more when i can;) thanks

goin'_to_the_PS

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

Ok i've never actually posted here before, as a writer that is.. and to be honest i'm not much of a writer.. but at the moment i'm bored in work and i just felt like writing this..

the nest in which you have grown,
is the essence of life that you own,
the air carries it's sweet serentiy,
to take it all in is the key,
to look down is to disbelieve,
look up and you shall achieve,
believe in who you are,
you could just be that star,
the time has come to spread your word
so fly, fly away bird.

ge gentle

if you don't want me to be honest i'd "o my god are you yeats son or something"
otherwise i'm afraid i think that you just put in big words to make it sound good. Here is what it would sound like in basic english

where you were born
is the most important thing in your life
the air is sweet and peacful(what does that have to do with the above?)
experience it all is the most important
to look down is to disbelieve,(what does that have to do with the above?)
look up and you shall achieve,(achieve and disbielf don't have anythjing to do with each other)
believe in who you are,
you could just be that star,(is "that star" refering to the above if so ???????)
the time has come to spread your word(what word we were never told about his word(belief?))
go spread your word
read it all aloud except the ()...............................doesn't make sense does it?.
When i write poems i write my ideas like a story first and then i use analogies to make it sound. well like a poem.

EDIT- SORRY I FEEL AWFUL NOW I WAS A BIT HARSH SORRY

BEAT

yes, I think you uneccessarily ripped apart a simple poem.
sometimes less is more and in this case I think he said just the right words and in enough lines to get the meaning across.

Overall I'd like to see more from original poster to see what else he comes up with

D!ve^Bomb!

that's not harsh... but that's what i think poetry consists of:) biggish words, metaphores etc.. and you don't know what each line means to the other because you don't know what i was thinking when i wrote it;) it makes perfect sense to me

*edit* ok i don't mean biggesh words!!:) i mean more appropriate words.. if i had of wrote it the way you transcribed it then it would be ****:)

goin'_to_the_PS

What i did was put your big words into a theasours and wrote down what came out. I'll respect your privacy if you don't want to tell us what it is about but i'd love to know, you can pm if you like i promise i can be told in confidence

goin'_to_the_PS

ok look just wrote a poem, in like 2 minutes if you want to feel better i'll post it and you can slag me off, but only if you want i don't want to steal your thunder

D!ve^Bomb!

don't take offence, and i have absolutely no idea why but i'd rather not..

plus i think you take what i said in the 'poem' too literal.. as BEAT said it's quite a simple poem

*edit* well i'm not trying to start a competition ya know... feel free to post what you want

*edit* i'm not trying to gather any 'thunder' either.. it was just a spare of the moment thing.. i just thought i'd post it that's all

goin'_to_the_PS

no your right i'll start my own thread fell free to glance at it

D!ve^Bomb!

when did u start writin poems? ur not the she-man i fell in love with.. i don't have a clue what it means... so it must be good.. anyway.. what'd i know about poetry? im a scientist

*edit* this was actually my girlfriend writin this!!! wait till she get's home!!!

she's even wrote shít in the irish forum... i never even did irish in school!!

me crawls off to change password:D

MojoMaker

Without wishing to mark PS_dude as a younger reader, may I ask what big words did you spot in the original poem?

I think I missed them

If anything the poem, as initially presented, is incredibly simple and...clean.

goin'_to_the_PS

whats all this about me being "younger reader" and a "14 year old" i flunked school if you must know, but went back to it this year. anyway i shouldn't of said big words i should have said complexed words. And before you say "oh i didn't see any complex words " no one goes around talking like
"the ESCENCE of the match is defence" or
"i went away last week to cork the SERENITY was amazing"

Do you understand it????? if so pray tell

goin'_to_the_PS

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

when did u start writin poems

this is my first

the raven

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

whats all this about me being "younger reader" and a "14 year old" i flunked school if you must know, but went back to it this year. anyway i shouldn't of said big words i should have said complexed words. And before you say "oh i didn't see any complex words " no one goes around talking like
"the ESCENCE of the match is defence" or
"i went away last week to cork the SERENITY was amazing"

Do you understand it????? if so pray tell

you are a *no insults here *. do some learnin before you embarass yourself.

goin'_to_the_PS

maybe, *warned*

the raven

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

maybe, but i can change that, you however can't change being ignorant

the word you are looking for is "arrogant". and i am, quite. use the dictionary, find out the meaning of words, eh? and not dictionary.com.
simpleton.



ooh, i'm all tingly... haven't had an "i'm superiorer than you" argument in so long...

BEAT

I am going to lock this thread if one more insult is handed out.
take your insults to PM's
Original poster can request the locking of this thread also.

You have both been warned.

MojoMaker

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

whats all this about me being "younger reader" and a "14 year old" i flunked school if you must know, but went back to it this year. anyway i shouldn't of said big words i should have said complexed words. And before you say "oh i didn't see any complex words " no one goes around talking like
"the ESCENCE of the match is defence" or
"i went away last week to cork the SERENITY was amazing"

Do you understand it????? if so pray tell

Essence and serenity are both common and relatively simple words. The point you've addressed above alludes to the context in which they are used - in your two examples you demonstrate a very poor grasp of context. However you are correct in that it is unlikely anybody would utter the statement "I went away last week to Cork the serenity was amazing". :rolleyes:

I challenge you to find a more appropriate word to exchange for "essence" in the context in which it was used on the second line of the poem. Likewise find me a word other than tranquility (longer) which would be contextually more appropriate than the use of serenity in the third line?

Raphael

Actually PS, the reason he used big/complicated words was to maintain a rhyme scheme through the poem.

Anyway, I thought that was a lovely little poem. Rhythm was just a small bit dodgy to me, but then again, I write song lyrics more than poetry, hence I'm a complete rhythm nazi. The rhyme scheme was very well done though, I'm quite impressed.

Keep up the good work!

goin'_to_the_PS

MojoMaker wrote:

Essence and serenity

do you go around using these words in everyday life?

MojoMaker

Essence a lot more frequently than serenity, yes, but both those words would be in reasonable use in my vocabulary.

What word would you substitute for 'essence' even if context wasn't an issue? Serenity has many synonyms definitely, but essence, not so many.

goin'_to_the_PS

http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=essence
don'y know which i would you, maybe one of the fifty list ^^^

MojoMaker

I thought you might try answering it from your own vocabulary. So which one would you choose? It's not the list I'm interested in, it's your selection from the list I'm keen to see.

goin'_to_the_PS

essential, i would and so would alot people use regularly

Raphael

Right, but that word doesn't mean the same thing in that context

MojoMaker

?? The two words aren't even related

Admit it, you just don't understand context do you PS?

goin'_to_the_PS

MojoMaker wrote:

for 'essence' even if context wasn't an issue?

you never asked me to use a word in the context.
They are related closely
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=essential
Read line 1

MojoMaker

Not in this context they aren't!

Even without context one would never substitute essential for essence

goin'_to_the_PS

ask me a question in future, i can't mentally read your mind to find out what silly little concerns you have.
Why would one not use one instead of the other

MojoMaker

You really did leave school early!!

Raphael

Perhaps the fact that they are completely different words.

BEAT

ok, I have let this thread go on way too long in this way. if you have nothing more to say about the poem then dont post. I will lock the thread with the next off topic post.

Start a new thread on word usage if you care to continue this debate...keep in mind I will be watching so keep it civil.

the_syco

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

the nest in which you have grown,
is the essence of life that you own,
the air carries it's sweet serentiy,
to take it all in is the key,
to look down is to disbelieve,
look up and you shall achieve,
believe in who you are,
you could just be that star,
the time has come to spread your word
so fly, fly away bird.

It needs something like Papa Roach or Linkin Park behind it (sorry, but these two bands came to mind when I was reading this).

Class poem, but if you can expand it a little more, you could turn it into a song, etc.

Miles

I think it's sound for a first attempt. Keep at it; It would be great to see some more from you.