Mother Drinking

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster but I'd prefer to be annon ......
My mother has been binge drinking for the past couple of years, ever since my father died really. She could go weeks, even months without doing it but then she just goes mad on it. Also she had very serious surgery this year & this stopped her from doing it for a while, I think she was scared.... but not any more, I came home on New Years eve after a really great night out, to find her in the sitting room, covered in puke, & with puke all over the floor... this wouldn't be too bad, I could deal with that, it's just that she completely changes with drink in her. She becomes this really horrible person & the things that she says can be very hard to forgive. She also has a terrible habit of picking up the phone(when she's drinking in the house on her own)& abusing people, my other sisters or brothers. She can say some really horrible things, & on this occassion it was the turn of my boyfriend to get a lashing with her tongue, it wasn't about him, but me, she said some really horrible things to him about me, even going as far as calling me a slut! I'm 27 years old & in the same realtionship for five years!!! Anyway, my b/f is very hurt by what was said & has told me that he doesn't think he can even be in the same room as my mother after that. I don't blame him at all for saying that.
You see the thing with her is that she does all this horrible stuff & then the next day acts all high & mighty saying that she didn't do anything wrong, & she never ever says sorry for what she's done or said.. It's gotten so bad that one of my older sisters won't call into the house anymore because of things that my mother has said to her. She did go for help once, it was before her surgery this year & she was doing really well but she's back as bad as what she was before she went & is refusing to see that there is a problem. I'm feeling very alone trying to deal with this,as it's going on for five years on & off the rest of the family is getting pissed off about it & aren't too bothered about helping her anymore as she just doesn't seem to want help. but it's easy for them as they don't live with her.. I've thought of moving out but why should I be driven out of my home before I'm ready to go! Sorry for the long post but I just really needed to get this off my chest... thanks for reading ...

Beruthiel

guest_girl wrote:

I've thought of moving out but why should I be driven out of my home before I'm ready to go!

I would have thought at the age of 27 you would be well ready to go? I'll be throwing my daughter out well before then!

anyway
have you sat her down when she is sober and told her all the things she has said to you?
if not you should and if you are serious about helping her, you should be prepared to tell her that if things don't change you will be leaving and like your sister, you will not be getting in contact with her anytime soon.
People with drink problems need a cold hard shock to the system in order for them to look at themselves, perhaps if you did the above it might be enough for her to go do something about it.
I feel for your mother, it must be dreadful to go on once your partner has died. A few drinks is no harm, but if you are the type of drinker who turns nasty with a few, it's time to take stock and sort yourself out.
Get her to go see someone to talk to, a grief councillor would be a good start.

Sleepy

What Beruthiel said. You're 27, your mother sounds like a bitch (she can't blame her high and mighty behaviour the next day on alcohol) so move out. It's what normal people do when they live with assholes (or when they're in their late teens/early twenties and still living at home).

eth0_

Sleepy - did you ever stop to think that maybe her 'high and mighty attitude' the next day could be because she's humiliated and is trying to convince herself that she has done nothing wrong?

OP - do you have any aunts/uncles/grandparents who could step in? Parents often find it hard to accept advice from their children no matter how old they are.

I can't understand why you still want to live with her though, even if she wasn't an alcoholic, you're 27, that's really quite old to still be living in your family home. Surely it'd be better for you and your relationship with your boyfriend if you moved out?

LegacyUser

Well, my sister is 25 and still living at home, although, she is really trying to move out.. I think it's grand nowadays to live at home at that kinda age because of the prices of things, although you should be getting ready to move out, start saving etc. My mum drinks a fair bit every night and she manages to get drunk every night. She doesn't get violent, but it's just a kinda let down to see her like that because she is so quick and intelligent when she's sober. I kinda find it to my advantage sometimes because I come home drunk and she doesn't notice, although, if she's at home alone some randomer off the street could come in and she wouldn't have a chance agaisnt them. Although the house never seems to be empty, I don't like bringing friends home and having her sitting in the kitchen drunk. Also, she doesn't just drink she has a couple glasses with her book. Her mum (around 76ish) is an alcoholic tho, and she strongly dissaproves.

IANOC

sorry to hear this .sounds as if nothing you say or do will change her.
it all boils down to one thing DRINK.for some it should be illegal

D!ve^Bomb!

IANOC wrote:

DRINK.for some it should be illegal

don't get me started on this

mayordenis

i actually think the best thing you can do for her and you is to move out, it'll actually hurt her when you move out maybe hurt her alot. She might see that she drove you away and maybe react like she should.
anyway 27 get your life on

IANOC

D!ve^Bomb! wrote:

don't get me started on this

i know m8 its a pain in the arse to see so many ruin their lives with it

Doras

guest_girl wrote:

I came home on New Years eve after a really great night out, to find her in the sitting room, covered in puke, & with puke all over the floor...

It's never easy dealing with a parent who drinks, in particular a mother. We had family friends in the same situation and they finally managed to deal with it by humilating her. They took photographs of her when she was totally smashed and all the family would call around the next day and show the photo's to her. They also refused to allow her to see her grandchildren until she got some help. They made if very clear to her that they would support her 100% if she got help but until then, their children had no grandmother.

It worked and she's been sober now for over a year. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

eth0_

mayordenis wrote:

i actually think the best thing you can do for her and you is to move out, it'll actually hurt her when you move out maybe hurt her alot. She might see that she drove you away and maybe react like she should.
anyway 27 get your life on

OR she could go to pieces and drink herself into an early grave.

Go speak to your GP, he/she should be able to help.

meepmeep

Well I don't think shes drinking for the fun of it. She only started when your dad died? Theres your answer right there.......she needs help - counselling, samaritans, anything. My mother went to pieces when my dad died as well, she didn't drink or anything, but she needed all our love and support....

I don't think you should have to put up with it though so maybe you should suggest counselling to her, and even offer to go with her. If shes up for this, then at least you might be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

And yeah I think 27 is too old to be still living at home..!

BigCon

Get a camcorder and tape her when she's very drunk. Show it to her the next day when she's being "high and mighty". She might get help if she sees what everyone sees when dhe's drunk...

abccormac

There is agroup called al-anon (not alchoholics anonymous, a sister group) for families of alchoholics. Find a local meeting, and go talk to people in the same situation as yourself. Living with an alchoholic is a nightmare, and if you can you need to move out. Unfotunately you can't do anything to stop her drinking, she'll have to do that by herself, but al-anon are fantastic, a great help.