starry night

the raven

crit and comments please.

Starry Night

Electric strings bind the stars,
Harmonic cacophony rings out the universe,
Guttural, rasping angel voices cascade
Destroying paradise
And virgin thought.

Man, beast roam regardless,
Joyous as pigs in faecal matter:
Purity decaying
Beneath the fetid remains of the dead,
And feminine laughs crawl from the past
Behind the present’s frenzied shriek.

Dark skies slide wilfully
Ignoring the blue planet below.
Insignificance of waste tasted.

Vitreous humour overflowing
Reflects innocent emptiness eternal;
The reticent stars mock from afar.

MojoMaker

Some interesting and very unusual imagery there...

Angels not normally associated with rasping voices, different. Feminine laughs (echoes?) from the past...quite pagan.

The frenzied shriek of the present...captures the stillness of the here and now. The past has moved, the future is moving, the present merely a series of eternal moments divided by infinity.

Vitreous humour - clever

Reticent stars mocking from afar - simply wonderful.

goin'_to_the_PS

the raven wrote:

crit and comments please.

Starry Night


The reticent stars mock from afar.

there are a few mistakes, this one stood out to me. Reticent is someone who is reserved and keeps there feelings and thoughts to themselfs, thus they would not mock someone

BEAT

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

there are a few mistakes, this one stood out to me. Reticent is someone who is reserved and keeps there feelings and thoughts to themselfs, thus they would not mock someone

From your posts so far I see you dont have a grasp on grammar usage much and you are definitly not an English major, but you seem to try and pick apart things that need not be picked apart.
To be a critic one must be schooled in that which they criticize, other than that it is pure opinion.

I myself had to read this one a few times, had to get my head around it if you will. I often will read something one day and if it doesnt move me, I will come back the next day at take a look from a different angle.

The word usage here is quite impressive, though some words will confuse 'some' readers easily, when you know what you are reading its quite impressive to see the contrast you have going on from what we normally associate to what you have it paired up with. I can tell you put some time into it.

I'd like to see some more of your work to compare it with

MojoMaker

PS, you're 14 right?

The stars mock by their very reticence. It's an excellent image.

goin'_to_the_PS

where did you get 14 from????????????????????

goin'_to_the_PS

BEAT wrote:

From your posts so far I see you dont have a grasp on grammar usage much and you are definitly not an English major, but you seem to try and pick apart things that need not be picked apart.
To be a critic one must be schooled in that which they criticize, other than that it is pure opinion.

I myself had to read this one a few times, had to get my head around it if you will. I often will read something one day and if it doesnt move me, I will come back the next day at take a look from a different angle.

The word usage here is quite impressive, though some words will confuse 'some' readers easily, when you know what you are reading its quite impressive to see the contrast you have going on from what we normally associate to what you have it paired up with. I can tell you put some time into it.

I'd like to see some more of your work to compare it with

BEAT you may want to use this page below and come back and tell me how it makes sense for someone who is a loner that doesn't express one's thoughts and feeling would mock someone.
I do think it is a good poem but I think RAVEN felt the need to use complicated words to express something that didn't need it.
If you would like to see some of my poems (hahaha oh wait thats not funny) I will write something and post it tomorrow and i'll will spend more than my normal 3 minutes.
I know for a fact that this poem was wrote over a long period of time, but thats not important.

the raven

Beat was addressing me PS when she asked to see more poetry.

and contrary to popular belief the poem actually spilled out of me rather quickly, wrote it in one sitting. then about a year later i did some very minor editing. changed one word, added a "the" and broke two lines.

P.S. PS, i think you should find a proper dictionary. and maybe invest in literature of a higher standard than teen fiction.

the raven

oh, and

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

where did you get 14 from????????????????????

i think the "??????????????????????????" gives it away.

goin'_to_the_PS

the raven wrote:

Beat was addressing me PS when she asked to see more poetry.

and contrary to popular belief the poem actually spilled out of me rather quickly, wrote it in one sitting. then about a year later i did some very minor editing. changed one word, added a "the" and broke two lines.

P.S. PS, i think you should find a proper dictionary. and maybe invest in literature of a higher standard than teen fiction.

if you read it properly you will see she said"to compare with it"

P.S hahaha your soo witty

goin'_to_the_PS

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=reticent

Draíochta

Good poem, I like it, pity some idiot came along and ruined the tread, I mean five out of eleven to say nothing worth while, get over it

PS use the edit button it saves space, thanks

goin'_to_the_PS

I'm sorry if people feel i ruined it there was no intent to, yet if anyone could please explain it to me after looking at my link, it could be it is past my knowing

Draíochta

Each individual should come to their own conclusions as to the meaning of a poem, but since you can't I'll share with you my thoughts on the matter

The reticent stars mock from afar

This in IMO represents the stars mocking our mortality with silent aloofness, as to what RAVEN meant I think he should keep to himself.

As I said before I like the poem

goin'_to_the_PS

rule one i think we all can agree on is-it must follow the rules of the english.
This doesn't follow it,thus it is impossable for us to understand the meaning of it. I really don't want to argue on the Thread so can we please not ruin the thread by us bantering about it, PM if you like

Fysh

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

rule one i think we all can agree on is-it must follow the rules of the english.

This doesn't follow it,thus it is impossable for us to understand the meaning of it. I really don't want to argue on the Thread so can we please not ruin the thread by us bantering about it, PM if you like

No, it just doesn't match your limited interpretation of what is happening and how the word can be used. To clarify : pretty much since the dawn of man's intelligence, the stars in the sky have represented a vast beyond that we have struggled to understand. They have been the canvas on which we've painted our mythologies, the charts by which we navigate, and the location for too many adventures to count. All part of our quest to try and give the universe meaning, to make ourselves an important part of it which is never reciprocated by any response or signal from beyond. Therefore, the very reticence exhibited by the stars in their lack of acknowledgement of us can be construed as being mocking.

Quite frankly, considering the level of grammar and use of language in what you've posted up so far, I would suggest holding back on the more picky criticism until you've got something to back it up with.

Back to the piece in question - as others have said, some unexpected yet very good imagery; part of its power is the fact that you've twisted a few traditional notions around. I particularly like "the present's frenzied shriek" - concise and yet evocative. And "the reticent stars mock from afar" is an excellent line to close on.

the raven

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=reticent

once again, a GOOD dictionary.
there's more than one meaning to a lot of words.

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

if you read it properly you will see she said"to compare with it"

P.S hahaha your soo witty

wow, you could be a project.
go home, the village is missing its *****.


*Raven, this post has been edited...no name calling it really is juvenile*
consider this a warning

BEAT

I will allow bantering and criticism but no name calling. It is uncalled for.
the original poster can request the thread to be closed in a pm or it can stay open for further comments as long as it stays civil.

I will be keeping my eyes open.

MojoMaker

Dra&#237 wrote: »

This in IMO represents the stars mocking our mortality with silent aloofness

and

Fysh wrote:

pretty much since the dawn of man's intelligence, the stars in the sky have represented a vast beyond that we have struggled to understand. They have been the canvas on which we've painted our mythologies, the charts by which we navigate, and the location for too many adventures to count. All part of our quest to try and give the universe meaning, to make ourselves an important part of it which is never reciprocated by any response or signal from beyond. Therefore, the very reticence exhibited by the stars in their lack of acknowledgement of us can be construed as being mocking.

Perfect. Is it sinking in yet PS?

What bit didn't you understand when I suggested the stars mocked us by their very reticence? Was it that difficult a concept to embrace?

Sorry for the big words. They're all I use these days?

the raven

in previous criticism of this piece some didn't like the proximity of the two words "waste" and "tasted". would anyone here agree that that repeated sound is moreso annoying than anything else??

the other big crit was in regard to using the word "faecal", and the simile it's in. would anyone like to comment on this?

Le Rack

goin'_to_the_PS wrote:

rule one i think we all can agree on is-it must follow the rules of the english.
This doesn't follow it,thus it is impossable for us to understand the meaning of it. I really don't want to argue on the Thread so can we please not ruin the thread by us bantering about it, PM if you like

sorry to dig this up but, PS have you never heard of poetic licience (sp)(I cant spell for sh!t) poetry does NOT have to follow the rules of English, that's what lakes it so great and descriptive and deep and everthing it is, as the peot as the freedom to express what they want with out worrying "oh is that grammatically correct?"

stevejazzx

the raven wrote:

in previous criticism of this piece some didn't like the proximity of the two words "waste" and "tasted". would anyone here agree that that repeated sound is moreso annoying than anything else??

the other big crit was in regard to using the word "faecal", and the simile it's in. would anyone like to comment on this?

yeah nice poem

the two items mentioned above were my problems with in particular

Joyous as pigs in faecal matter:

the faecal matter is very formal sounding
but it is the word joyous which is really out of place for me
pigs - joyous, its just misplaced possibly

Man, beast roam regardless
Content as rancid swine or Rapturous in putrid filth like pigs (rapturous like pigs in putrd filth)


waste tasted sounds unbalanced but it is infinitely debateable so.........


just suggestions but otherwise a very good poem

well done

oddlyaromatic

Hey Raven,

"Harmonic cacophony" struck me as a bit funny. Just an odd juxtaposition that you might not need. The structure of that whole line is a bit tough to grasp - so early in the poem is was turn off. I was left wondering if it was worth reading four more verses as inscrutable as that.

There's a lot in this that's just not hitting the mark with me. On a broad reading, something kind of works, but taking the words up close they seem a little shaky.

"Guttural, rasping angel voices cascade
Destroying paradise
And virgin thought."

Fair enough. For the sake of cadence, maybe a comma after cascade? You have room to clear up the last line if you want to -

"Destroying paradise
and wrecking virgin thought"

Ignore the word I used, I'm more talking about the rhythm. Just to slow things down. This isn't the kind of thing you want to rush with, there's enough there to keep a slower pace.

"Faecal matter" was a big problem for me. I would have loved "happy as pigs in ****" to drop in there - something down to earth. I find the contrived, pointless technicality of the wording takes attention more to the PROCESS of the poem then the poem itself - brings attention to the author, to the real world, and all that that entails. Once that happens, I'm out of the piece, which is the most important thing.

"Insignificance of waste tasted" - by whom? The sound of this line doesn't bother me as much as the questions it brings up. At this stage I'm pretty confused and I know I'm going to have to read the poem again if I want to take anything.

The last verse doesn't help much. "Afar" annoys the hell out of me. My problem. I just hate the word. It's not a part of our time, and it brings up too many ugly, pretentious connotations for me.

So I read it again, paying more attention, looking for clues as to what's going on. I'm not really sure I found them.

I'm not attached to this poem because so much of it is sweepingly abstract.

"Beneath the fetid remains of the dead," - this is no image. If it's a metaphor, I don't have the tools to make sense of it. Similar the last verse.

I'm not ashamed to admit to being lost here. Other people have said it's good - so maybe it's just not tying in with my head like it is theirs. It just isn't my cup of tea.

I like poems you can dive into and get carried away by. You notice things each time to you jump - but the poem has to do some of the work with me, to keep me coming back. It's not all observation and thought - a little bit of the piece has to grab me and show me the way. I didn't find that here.

Maybe I'm getting harder to please in my old age.

stevejazzx

good crit if i may say so from oddly

Earthhorse

Yes, I agree. He has hit several nails on their respective heads.

the raven

cheers odd have heard many of those criticisms before. this thread's actually quite old and the poem itself is well older, possibly three years. in fact the poetry i've written in the past year doesn't resemble "starry night" at all.
i'm surprised you didn't like "harmonic cacophany"... (i'll not explain the poem, i'll just provide some other views that were made) some have noted that the paradox hits the nail on the head in the idea of chaos and order in the universe; both, defeating each other, exist at the same time. the majority quite liked that most of all....
poeticly speaking it also carries the image from the previous line, "electric strings bind the stars."

the line "destroying Paradise/ and virgin thought" was originaly unbroken but bowing to superior wisdom i broke it as "paradise" was felt deserved it's own line. perhaps lack of a comma after "cascade" is an oversight - i must admit there is a possibility you could be right.

oh i must declare war! the audacity to impose the word "wrecking" on my poem!! you heathen! :rolleyes:

the "faecal matter" was a huge debate with there being two diametrically opposed teams arguing over it... oh the carnage, it was a terrible sight.
one of the resolutions was that the vowel sounds and particular words used provide a more articulated and aloof image within the poem. "happy as pigs in sh!t" would simply have brought it back down to earth, which isn't the aim at all.

"insignificance tasted" by the dark skies...

ok, which is better in that line "afar" or "far away"?? easy answer.

to your qualm with "beneath the fetid remains of the dead" - people have said that the poem is moreso directed toward rising a certain feeling in the reader with a set of images rather than painting a simple, easily understood picture; yeah it is convoluted but meh, what are you gonna do?

it's an oldy and i've developed from there but i still like it as an independant piece.
thanx for the feedback ppl.

oddlyaromatic

No worries.

I'm going to continue only one point- the afar/far away thing. "Far away" is not the only choice to resolve that line without afar.

The reticent stars mock from afar - the downside here is the word "afar" itself, and it's uncomfortable sing-song rhyming with "stars" plucks a little seriousness from a reading. But that will vary a lot reader-to-reader.

The reticent stars mock from far away - aye, weak.

The reticent stars mock from the depths - might do, still too grand though.

The reticent stars sit mocking - probably the strongest I can come up with. It's simple. It's still not very good.

Diagnoses: you're probably right that "afar" solves the line the best, really. In that situation, I'd change the line to avoid using the word, so much do I loathe it. But so far, plans to make the world do everything I want are not yeilding much by way of a result. Some day...