The 101 rules of Power Metal

mp3guy · 23-12-2004 10:40pm #1

Found at http://www.musicscene.org/portalpak/forumdetail.asp?frid=207947

101 Rules of Power Metal

1. Add words like triumphant, majestic and victorious to your vocabulary.
2. Wear tight black gloves whenever possible.
3. There`s no such thing as too tight clothing.
4. When in doubt write songs about Tolkien`s literary works.
5. Songs about battle, swords and flying horses rule.
6. Having a unicorn sticker on your guitar is not gay.
7. The higher the vocals the better.
8. Where a loin cloth to your photo shoot.
9. Choose a wardrobe based loosely on Paul Stanley`s for the 80s.
10. Give your fans hugs when possible.
11. Buy a Manowar shirt for every day of the week.
12. Get your hair stylized.
13. Other than Manowar tees, don`t wear shirts without collars.
14. You can substitute Blind Guardian shirts for Manowar shirts on occasion.
15. Act interested in women.
16. Always sing along to the "wwhhoooooaaaaaa"s.
17. Never sing along to the "yyaaaahhhhhh"s.
18. The two greatest activities in life are listening to Manowar and playing Dungeons & Dragons.
19. The only exception is listening to Manowar while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
20. You knew who Gandalf and Frodo were 10 years ago. The people who only discovered them 5 years ago are dorks.
21. You should always politely ask your sister before using her hair products.
22. The only exception is when she makes fun of your hair.
23. Drive to Atlanta for Prog Power at all costs. Yes, sell your Magic cards if necessary, Kamelot is worth it.
24. Don`t be ashamed when your voice cracks trying to sing as high as Timo Kotipelto and Joacim Cans.
25. Don`t pop any of your pimples; you could get blood or pus on your Manowar shirt.
26. You never need to explain why Poison ballads suck but Manowar ballads rule.
27. Tell all your friends Pink Bubbles Go Ape is a terrible album, then air guitar in your tight pants and Manowar shirt while listen to Kids of the Century in private.
28. There`s no need for originality when you have perfect innovation with Manowar, Helloween, and Blind Guardian.
29. Don`t give up hope, Kai Hansen will sing on your band`s CD someday.
30. Know the difference between Teutonic Knights and Knights Templar.
31. Any song without at least 2 guitar harmonies is crap
32. It is unacceptable to urinate on your band members unless you are a disgruntled keyboardist.
33. Manowar tees CAN be substituted with a Lost Horizon shirt....but only on the third Wednesday of every month.
34. Have dreams about being a Viking powerload metal warrior and not being able to tell the difference between the two!
35. Always make sure the wind blows through your hair when you`ve got one foot on the monitor.
36. Always make sure your hair is long and rebellious by using a quality hairspray product (Re. 21, don`t just blindly trust your sister)
37. Gargle with lemon juice to ensure vocal chords are tighter than a Thrasher Jeans.
38. Following on from Rule #3, ensure jeans are tighter than a Thrasher jeans and made of leather with a lace-up crouch.
39. Deny you `loved` Rob Halford after he `came out`
40. Claim wearing leather, studs and peaked cap is hard and not in the least gay despite what Hardcore people (and Rob Halford) think
41. Don`t be afraid of death metal heads. Even if they`re really big and mean and threaten to strangle you with your intestines, take comfort that you could kick their asses in D&D campaigns
42. Claim that you knew all along that when you got there, there would be nothing to do and come back purposefully.
43. Repeat 41
43. To break glass, you must warble (tighten those trousers)
44. Cheese is something you eat and has nothing at all to do with the music you play or the lyrics you write.
45. Pretend you have fought in a medieval battle somewhere and are proficient in sword skills.
46. Always return your library books on time to avoid fines.
47. Curl your lip, frown excessively and fold your arms during band promo shoots
48. Show the world that you really are good at art and your old art teacher was wrong when he said you`d never amount to anything, by drawing your own album covers in colored pencil and crayon and never tell anyone about the 20 failed attempts to get the dragon`s head right.
49. If you do get fined over your library books, never cry in front of the librarian.
50. Never get a van that doesn`t break down between gigs; it will ruin your image.
51. Ensure adequate ventilation in the van after a sweaty gig, especially once the entire band have hung up their leather trousers (with the lace up crouches)
52. Remember, GENTLEMEN help each other out of their tight leather trousers (with lace up crouches) after hot sweaty gigs.
53. Do not wear the socks you had down the front of your leather pants after the show without washing them first.
54. Always pretend you are enjoying yourself and are wild and wind-swept like a white stallion running free.
55. If you are going to take your shirt off on stage, don`t forget the baby oil (an old Manowar trick)
58. Power metal is cool and prog metal is simply gay
59. Black Metal bands are simply Power Metal bands that never learned to play their instruments properly.
60. Running around a forest with a battleaxe is cool UNLESS you are wearing corpse paint, then you are just a retard.
61. You believe dragons still exist.
62. Singers- incorporate this into your warm-up routine:
Let each band member have a kick (or two) at your groin before a performance to make sure you can hit those high notes.
63. Dragons do exist, you don`t merely believe it, you know it.
64. Must have AD&D Dungeon Master`s guide read before you qualify to sing on stage.
65. Black Metal is just Manowar records played backwards.
66. If you keep practicing your high notes, Tobias Sammett will invite you to sing on his next Metal Opera.
67. Jon Schaffer would be one of us if he played solos.
68. Warrell Dane would be one of us if he hadn`t given up his falsetto.
69. You must get a girlfriend and marry her so you can credit her as `wife of the winner` in your album credits.
70. You must understand rule 69.
71. Those angry violent Death Metal folks are just afraid to get in touch with their Middle-Earth side.
72. Accentuate the "T" when you sing the word "meTal".
73. Rhyme "fire" with "desire" as many times as possible throughout your career.
74. All song reviews must use at least one of the following terms: "epic", "majestic" or "opus".
75. At all costs, avoid altercations with black metal fans. They really don`t like Hammerfall.
76: Remember that the fastest "meedly meedly" guitar work is inherently superior to all other forms of music.
77. There is nothing wrong with handcuffs
78. Always bring a crash helmet to a party, even if you come by bus
79. Turn your bike off in the bedroom, it interferes with the lovemaking.
80. 6-6-6 is the number of the beast, not six hundred and sixty six
81. Be tolerant to drunkards
82. Take your learner plates off your bike before the photo shoot
83. If you have to fix your bike in the living room, use a drip tray under the sump, and don`t put the valves down on the carpet, you`ll contaminate them.
84. Look up contaminated.
85. Track down `A Quiet Night In` LP, whose cover shows a stripped down bike in a living room with newspapers on the floor soaking up the oil and a biker flat on his back with a newspaper over his head sleeping it off, whilst his girl in leopard skin pants reads a woman’s magazine, and try and imitate it.
86. Talk about your, talk about your, talk about your wheels of steel, play it 23 times on the trot then get your electricity cut off by your neighbours who have access to your power supply, then sleep it off in the car with your girl and be woken up by twenty odd guys running over the top of your car roof with hob nail boots at 6 in the morning, get out and have a drinking competition.... but enough of me (it was over 20 years ago)
87. Everyday at least one of the cds you need to listen to is a Manowar, Blind Guardian, Labrynth, Rhapsody, Kamelot or Blind Guardian cd. No exceptions.
88 Go to a photo studio dressed and posed in Tolkien outfit and have your picture taken and place it on your band website main page.
89. Remember that there is a dragon`s lair somewhere in this galaxy.
90. write a ballad about fallen heroes from the civil war…(optional)
91. Remember! No one really thinks you`re gay....
92. Frilly shirts, especially with laces, are entirely permissible. Laced frilly shirts with the colors of various fresh fruit or soap are essential.
93. If in doubt, do a guitar solo
94. The only thing that matters is the number of notes you can widdle per second
95. Make sure you know the slight difference about your band and every other power metal band... even if no one else can see it.
96. When doing a dual guitar solo, never be the first to finish
97. The rest of the band are only there to support your wonderful guitar soloing and it is their only wish to see you play it endlessly.
98. Having a Conan the Barbarian sword enhances your image as a power metal band.
99. Always remember that no matter where you use the word ‘‘Rainbows’’, it never sounds gay in Power Metal.
100. Never scratch your arse in the shower and bite your finger nails
101. Keep on widdling.