single mum

lynn

have been reading through posts and wondering if any of u have kids or have any friends that have kids .
I have a 3 yr old son adam and i am finding things really difficult at the minute as was wondering how other people juggle kids and work and life

5 yrs ago i started going out with neil we met when we were both 18 and just starting college..we got on so well together we were inseperatable we had loads of good friends we were out every night of the week had good part time jobs to keep us going throug college we had great lives but after a year together i found out i was pregnant i was so upset with the news but neil couldnt cope with it at all. when i was 3 months gone he split up with me and he dropped out of college
and left me to pick up th pieces ..i had to sort out everything on my own ..tell my parents on my own (very scary thing to do) it was horrible
after adam was born in went back to college as i wanted to have some sort of qualification ..as i had a kid i got a back to education grant which entitled me to rent allowance that was great it ment me and adam had somewhere to live ..but it was also so hard going to college when u had a baby id
be sitting in minding my lil boy when all my friends were out at student parties id be so envious when id hear them planning their j1 visas or where they would go interailing each summer ...when id hear girls talking to each other worring about what they were going to wear out that night id be worring where id scrape the money together to pay adams minder and buy him nappies and milk ...things like that stressed me so much.
any way i completed my course and got a job in oct (crapp wages though )
which ment i lost my rent and im finding it so hard living at home my dad doesnt even speak..his only communication with to meit to shout at me to tell me to keep adam quite ... i spend everyeveing in my room with adam as i dont want adam to hear my dad fighting it scares him..thats not a life is it??
my sister has just moved to san fransico with her boyfriend and my brother has just put a depost on a house i feel like everyone is moving forwasds and im stuck not moving on in life at all moving backwards if thats possible

my day starts at 7 when i get up and drop adam to creche commute to and from work collect adam feed him bath him and get everything ready for the next day by then im ablsuotly wrecked ad usually go to bed aroun 9 ...i feel as though im existing..just following a routine and not living... i cant do that anymore i need to change but i dont know how adams creche costs me 700 euros a month so i could never afford rent
at the weekend i usually bring adam swiming or to the playground or out on his bike i love him to bits and love it when he is happy but at the same time id love to get up on a sat morning and go shoping all day or get my hair done or met my friends for lunch i then feel so gulity for feeling like this as im all adam has and its not his fault ... and when i think about how different my life now compares to neils it absloutly kills me he lives in town with his girlfriend and sees adam every second sat for 4 hours..neil has never minded adam on his own never bought him a pair of shoes never went swiming (adams faveroute ) with him never done the things a daddy is supposed to do ..so even if neil wanted to help out more i dont think id be able to let him he dosent know enought about adam ..im so used to not having any spare time i would have a clue what to do with myself either .
and when it come to me going out with men its and abslote diaster i have had one boyfriend since neil and we totally clicked and went out for 10 months and just split up about 6 weeks ago ..he left me because he found it to hard ..he told me he loved and had such strong feelings for me and would move in with me in the morning if things were different but he couldnt as i had a son an it would be to much for him to take on..that completely broke my heart ..he told me that he was attracted to me for ages before we got together but tried to make himself not like me cos i had a kid what do u say to that??

Etain

It's difficult, married or single, to juggle children, work, and any kind of social life. Married people have a larger base of support-- such as family who will watch the kids while they have an evening out etc.. so maybe some one in your family can help you get out for lunch or whatever.

WHY is the father of your child not contributing financially ?! Regardless of his interest, he should be legally compelled to pay support. Please check into this, you may then have the means to live elsewhere. Good luck.

Occidental

I'd say that you could do with sorting Neil out. He either wants to be the childs father or he doesn't. Four hours every two weeks allows Neil to play at being daddy, but is bugger all use to you.
How about he takes him every second weekend, collect him on the Saturday morning, drop him back on Sunday afternoon. Neil gets to know his son and you get a bloody well deserved rest. If this doesn’t suit him, then you might as well tell him to sling his hook, or get social services involved. I presume he is paying you something towards the upkeep of his son?

PS: Don’t worry about Neil getting to know Adam. He’s 3 years old, not six months and the only way he’ll ever get to know him is by spending time with him. Who knows he may even enjoy it (eventually).

Beruthiel

lynn wrote:

and when i think about how different my life now compares to neils it absloutly kills me he lives in town with his girlfriend and sees adam every second sat for 4 hours..neil has never minded adam on his own never bought him a pair of shoes never went swiming (adams faveroute ) with him never done the things a daddy is supposed to do ..so even if neil wanted to help out more i dont think id be able to let him he dosent know enought about adam ..

this man needs his ass kicked and it's up to you to do it. So what if he doesn't know enough about adam, did you on day one?
Make him spend all of saturday and saturday night with the child, or every second weekend if you prefer. You need that time to go out and have a life with your friends to help relieve some of the enormous stress you must be under. Do not give him a choice in this, he is the childs father and he had better start acting like it, end of story! If he is not helping you out with maintenance, sort that too, see a solicitor if needs be but only if he is not coming forth of his own will.

im so used to not having any spare time i would have a clue what to do with myself either

oh, take it from me, you will work that one out pretty quick!

if things were different but he couldnt as i had a son an it would be to much for him to take on..that completely broke my heart ..he told me that he was attracted to me for ages before we got together but tried to make himself not like me cos i had a kid what do u say to that??

I'm very sorry to hear that, not all men are like this though, you will find one who will be able to take the fact you have a child on board, I have, my sister has and you will too.
I would like to remind you how strong you are, you have managed to stay in college while taking care of your little baby. You have gotten yourself a job, not a great one you say, but it's a start and you are heading in the right direction, I admire you for that. Things will slowly start to get better and all will work itself out for you in the end.
best of luck and chin up

galwaydude18

jesus thats rough. i am almost crying here reading your story and im a fella! all i can say is that things will definetly get better (they always do) and to forget about neil! if he really did love you he wouldn't have left you 3 months into your pregnancy!

Trev C

Lynn, defo agree with others about getting something in concrete about Neil re: support financially and access.
From a blokes point of view it wouldnt put me off at all that you have a kid, and am not sure why it took your last boyfriend so long to realise that.

Apart from that - does anyone have any short term ideas to help Lynn out. Reckon she lookin for a bit more than "dont worry about it, it will all work out, it will get easier" (not that im knockin any of your advise)

Ph3n0m

Seriously Neil needs a kick in the arse - so get him into court to contribute financially towards your son - I mean if he is getting access, he must want to be a part of Adam'a life - or is he doing it just for the sake of doing it?

As for your social life - it is a pity you have no friends or other family members to turn to, as all you need is that one chance to get out and atleast feel good about yourself, even if its for one moment in time.

I was in the same situation but unfortunately I was able to rely on family to help me out, especially when it came to the few and far nights I got to go out with my friends.

As for your friend who said that to you and broke your heart - well that was cold and uncaring, no matter what he said. He was going out with you in the full knowledge that you had a son - that to me speaks of a person who really didnt want your "baggage" - when in reality we all have "baggage" - mine is my 10 year old daughter.

I dont think its time to throw up your hands and say "I give up" - life isnt easy, especially when you have a child - trust me, I know this for a fact. It will be hard, but there are those occasionally silver linings - they may be few and far between, but they are there and they do happen to everyone.

I think the best thing to do is assess in your life, who is there for you - what people you can rely on. Then you can start looking at them and asking them, even for an hour to mind your son, while you go off and do something for yourself. In my circumstances I always traded the favour with a return favour and for me, that system worked very well.

I hope your situation turns around, and I think it will, but unfortunately its not going to be easy - but it wont be impossible

Iago

lynn wrote:

have been reading through posts and wondering if any of u have kids or have any friends that have kids .

I have an 11 year old son, I'm not with his mother anymore, we broke up soon after he was born, so maybe I can give you a different perspective on this.

I have a 3 yr old son adam and i am finding things really difficult at the minute as was wondering how other people juggle kids and work and life

I wonder does your mum help you at all with this? It can be impossible trying to manage on your own, but I think you should take pride in yourself for being were you are now, I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job.

we had great lives but after a year together i found out i was pregnant i was so upset with the news but neil couldnt cope with it at all. when i was 3 months gone he split up with me and he dropped out of college
and left me to pick up th pieces

I'll defend him slightly here, it's a very difficult thing to try and accept, sometimes it can seem that it's too much for you. I don't condone his actions or not helping you out, but I understand the shock he was in.

after adam was born in went back to college as i wanted to have some sort of qualification ..as i had a kid i got a back to education grant which entitled me to rent allowance that was great it ment me and adam had somewhere to live ..but it was also so hard going to college when u had a baby

Again you should take great pride in yourself for this, it would have been very easy for you to simply give up and decide to live on the state. Stand tall and proud, you've a lot to be proud about.

when all my friends were out at student parties id be so envious when id hear them planning their j1 visas or where they would go interailing each summer

I can sympathise with this, although I know I wasn't literally holding the baby, I felt that I couldn't travel or go away because I had to spend time with my son. In a way I think I used to resent him for that when I was younger, thankfully it didn't last long and I've matured since then. It's very hard to put your life on hold for someone else, but you're not really given a choice.

his only communication with to meit to shout at me to tell me to keep adam quite ... i spend everyeveing in my room with adam as i dont want adam to hear my dad fighting it scares him..thats not a life is it??

Is there any way to ease this problem? I remember telling my parents at the time and my dad ignored me for 6 months. My mum chased me down the road with a knife in her hand. I can look back and laugh at it now, but at the time they were so dissapointed, not becuase I let them down, but because they felt I'd ruined my own life. After my sons birth things calmed down a lot and eventually they came to realise the same as me, that he was a blessing for us all. I'm not sure what the situation is for you, but your parents need to be more grown up about it and accept the situation as it is.

my day starts at 7 when i get up and drop adam to creche commute to and from work collect adam feed him bath him and get everything ready for the next day by then im ablsuotly wrecked ad usually go to bed aroun 9 ...i feel as though im existing..just following a routine and not living... i cant do that anymore i need to change but i dont know how adams creche costs me 700 euros a month so i could never afford rent

Where does your ex live? He should be able to take him for an hour or two in the evenings and weekends to give you a break, as should your parents.

In relation to finance, you should really be getting maintaenance from your ex. Bring him to court if he doesn't give you money, the courts are geared up towards protecting the mother and child and not the father. I don't approve of some of their decisions, but in a case like this they should take a stand for him.

Speaking personally I pay maintenance but not a huge amount, I do split the cost of clothes and school supplies etc with my ex as well. It works out reasonably well overall.

at the weekend i usually bring adam swiming or to the playground or out on his bike i love him to bits and love it when he is happy but at the same time id love to get up on a sat morning and go shoping all day or get my hair done or met my friends for lunch i then feel so gulity for feeling like this as im all adam has and its not his fault ... and when i think about how different my life now compares to neils it absloutly kills me he lives in town with his girlfriend and sees adam every second sat for 4 hours..neil has never minded adam on his own never bought him a pair of shoes never went swiming (adams faveroute ) with him never done the things a daddy is supposed to do ..so even if neil wanted to help out more i dont think id be able to let him he dosent know enought about adam ..im so used to not having any spare time i would have a clue what to do with myself either

He should be taking him at least one day out of two at the weekend, or for the whole weekend every second weekend. I see my son every Saturday and every second weekend he stays with me on a Saturday night and Sunday. Sometimes it's more often than every second weekend and sometimes it's a Friday night as well. It's difficult for us both but we manage as best we can.

Neil needs to be more involved in Adam's life, you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to go out, everyone needs a break once in a while and you're no different.

and when it come to me going out with men its and abslote diaster i have had one boyfriend since neil and we totally clicked and went out for 10 months and just split up about 6 weeks ago ..he left me because he found it to hard ..he told me he loved and had such strong feelings for me and would move in with me in the morning if things were different but he couldnt as i had a son an it would be to much for him to take on..

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN WITH EVERYONE!! I feel the need to emphasise that. There are good guys out there who will love you for you are and regardless of you having a son will want to be with you and play a role in your sons life. My ex. is getting married to another guy next year, so it does happen. for me I try to be honest and upfront as soon as I meet someone so that there's full awareness of whats going on. My current girlfriend was a bit taken aback and first but she now plays an active role in my sons life and they get on great together which is really important.

Sorry for the long winding post on this, hopefully some it made sense and will help you. You've a lot to be proud of, you need to force your ex to get involved, not even for your sake but for your childs...

There's a parenting forum here on boards as well, so maybe you should have a look at some of the posts in there, there are many like us and we're all just muddling through as best we can

cajun_tiger

well hello lynn

mum in same situation (nearly as yourself)
singel mum of a 4 year old and things are very hard. i live at home with mum and dad, daughters father hasnt much to do in her life thank god...
there is no insentive for working singel mothers, why its so unfair they'll help you out with rent untill you get a job. then your on your own.. and ppl wonder why singel mums dont work...

all i can say is i'm here for you if you ever need to talk, your best bet is to look around maybe shared accomidation(i'm looking around at the mo.) what area are you in i can keep an eye out for you.
big hugs and lots of loves
cajun_tiger

ps forget men for a bit trust me get on your feet first, there are men out there will to get involved with women with kids, best of luck

Nightshiftguy

Upmost respect for you lynn for doing what you do. Its great to see. I know its tough for you however time will pass and adam will grow up and your live will be back on track. IT will happen. Your lucky to have a loving son. My partner and I were trying for one earlier in the year with no luck! HOwenever Be strong keep the chin up and all will be well.. Please feel free to pm me if you ever wanna chat or to be kept entertained. That was meant i a total innocent way.. MWAH keep strong x

Nasty_Girl

Hya Lynn,
I'd just like to say I think you are amazing for everything you've done. You've been dealt an interseting hand in life and instead of going to pieces you kept yourself together and got on with it the best way you could!
This is the hard part, but Adam will be in school before you know it and then the creche shouldn't cost as much and Neil should definetly pay child support. You can't make the guy want to spend time with his kid but he should still have to pay.
And even if Neil never connects with your him on an emotional level, with a mum as like you Adam will turn out just fine

The Dr00g

Lynn, first of all, well done. You have indeed handled all of this admirably. So you (and we) should know that you've got what it takes to carry on and get through the mill (we all go through it one way or another) to that better place that I like to call "experience". Now I don't mean that in a condescending way at all. It's just a fact of life that we all start out with none, and life throws all manner of surprises at us until we learn from them. You're doing great. Keep it up.

Secondly, you need support. It doesn't matter where you get it. GET SOME! It sounds like you don't get much at home I'm sorry to say. That's the saddest thing of all. Social welfare services can help you with much more than just rent and FIS etc. Ask them for information about where to get help and support. There might be support groups in your area. Stuff like that. As with most things in life, you don't know and usually nobody will tell you until you ask.

As for the father of your son, I think you're right to have reservations about letting him take your son for more than a few hours. He sounds like a totally irresponsible pr1ck, to put it bluntly. No balls. Just pr1ck. But I agree with the others that you should try to get him to support you financially, if only in the form of buying your boy some clothes when he takes him out. At least that would be something. Otherwise try get the authorities on his ass.

Now here's the hard bit... I think you need to get out of your fathers house. He sounds as bad if not a worse pr1ck than your ex. Again, social welfare services can help. Ask about possible options.

Don't worry about any scary preconceptions you might have about social welfare services etc. They are there to help you get through hard times. Use them.

One last bit of advice, is watch out for guys who don't get on with your son straight away. If you're gonna be with someone, it must be someone who has a responsible attitude towards children. Trust me, there are guys out there who will treat you and your son well. You just have to be careful in the choosing.

I wish you success in the future. Make a resolution to get help in the New Year.

G'wan ye good ting!

RainyDay

Hi Lynn - Congratulations on how well you are coping in difficult circumstances. My feedback would be as follows;

- The father has a legal obligation & moral duty to contribute to the costs of your child. You need to get this moving, through legal channels if needs be.
- Don't take this point the wrong way. This is not a criticism. Your lifestyle as you describe it isn't hugely different to that of the average working couple with a child. While working couples may have some (limited) opportunities for either party to get a break for a few hours, for the most part, their life is the same kind of routine as you describe.
- Your relationship with your father is very difficult. As your son gets older, this relationship will be damaging to him unless something changes. Is there any chance that you (or someone on your behalf) could have a chat with your father and knock some sense into him. You've had your baby - nothing can change that now. His choices are to be nice to you & Adam or be nasty to you. Being nasty really won't help him or you.

AngryBadger

Fair dews to you, that's a fair aul slog

the_syco

You've raised your kid, went through college and you also got a job. That was proberly the hard part. Now you'll reap the benifits, and it'll get easier in about a year or two, when he starts going to school (then he'll only have to goto creche in the evenings).

Also, as for the pr|ck... he brings your son out with his gf???
Cut ties with the little f*ck. It almost sounds like he does it as it makes him look "mature" in front of his gf.
Also, how long was he with her, before he started to take Adam out? If she was with him first, it sounds like she wasn't too happy with the fact that he had no time with his son. Sorry, I'm rambling, but the pr|ck sounds like a total f*cking pr|ck.

=-=

And here's where it gets intresting. I checked out oasis.gov for you, and found out that

There is a legal responsibility in Ireland on both spouses to maintain each other and any children in accordance with their means.

Also, if you don't want Neill to have any access to your kid, but still have him pay maintence, oasis.gov says

In Ireland, paying maintenance does not in itself give a parent access or guardianship rights.

Also, in case you think that bringing the pr|ck to court will be expensive, check out the bit in bold. Max cost is €29.20, and you may be able to get a weekly check off the SOB

A person seeking a maintenance order can go to their local District Court and get the Court Clerk to issue a Maintenance Summons against the other spouse. Legal advice and representation is always advisable. To enquire whether you are eligible for Legal Aid, contact your nearest law centre. The law centre staff will assess your means and advise on financial eligibility. Legal Aid is not free and everyone must pay a contribution towards costs. The minimum is 5.08 euro, the maximum charge is 29.20 euro if you go to court. Download an application form for Legal Services and a Financial Assessment form and bring this with you to your nearest law centre.

FLAC (or Free Legal Advice Centre) is a non-governmental organisation which promotes and operates a range of services to meet the legal needs of those living in poverty. FLAC operate a network of legal advice clinics throughout Dublin and in the Cork area. If you live outside Dublin or Cork you can also obtain free advice and information by contacting FLAC at the telephone number or e-mail address below.

FLAC clinics are confidential, free of charge and open to all. You do not have to make an appointment and there are no application forms to complete.

=-=

Chin up. You've come this far, and it should get a bit easier as it goes on.

climaxer

Hi Lynn - can't type a long reply as I'm in work but will def send you a pm when it quietens down here in work. I sooo totally understand what you are going through. I had my daughter when I was 17 and she was a few weeks old doing my leaving cert. I lived with my Mam and Stepdad (who was a total pr*ck) for a long time. I moved out when my daughter was 2 and I was 19. Like you I found it hard to juggle everything. I did a FAS course and then got a job in an office which I'm still in. I often cried myself to sleep too when all my mates were out. In fairness to my Mam she was great and without her I WOULD NOT HAVE COPED. Anyway to cut a long story short it gets better as they get older - I PROMISE YOU . Adam should be able to go to playschool now which would cut the creche costs and when he starts big school in a year or so it will cut those costs even more. I too like you was caught in a rut for a few years ie the outgoings much bigger then the incomings. I remember getting a pay rise and for a while I'd be down money as my rent allowance went down and so did my lone parents BUT eventually I was earing enough to actually appreciate the pay rises. I now don't receive any benefits and bought my house four years ago. The credit union is great too and sometimes we wouldn't have had an xmas without it. My daughter is now 11.5 and life it much much easier. I'm 29 and its like I've been given a new lease of life as my life was on hold for a while but the good thing is how much I appreciate my free time.
You def need to get your ex to pay maintenance and increase his access. Adam will have some quality time with his Dad and you will have some quality time to yourself to just relax or socialise.
Sorry have to go as I'm so busy in work but I will get back to you with more tips and advice on how to cope.