dunno wat to do about her

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 10:36AM #1

i'm a regular poster on boards and didn't feel like i could use my usual handle for this but any advice would be appreciated.

i recently broke up with a girl i was seein for two months and we parted on good terms but we remain friends. ive tried to be just be friends with her but when i'm around her its not enuff for me. i find myself struggling to deal with how i feel about her as ive had so many problematic relationships in the past (in fact all of them - where basically i let myself be treated like ****) and this was the first one that worked, or so i thought.

we click as people, we get on, we have so much in common, and the physical side of things was always awesome. she is less than a year out of a serious relationship and we were together 2 months; we went abroad together, we hung out alot, had mind blowing sex, and all the playfulness of two people very much into each other.

one day she turned around and said after over 2 months together and said she couldnt do the relationship thing and wanted us to remain friends as she didnt want to lose me as a friend. i told her it'd be hard for me to do but i would try. she knew how i felt about her, and to be honest being with her made me the happiest i'd ever been in a long time as i was seeing someone who 'got me' as a person, knew where i was coming from and if i said something that others would find wierd, she didn't bat an eyelid - we were just so on the same level.

she wont have any physical contact me at all and has said she doesnt trust herself around me hell she wont even sit near me when were watching a dvd on a couch in either of our respective apartments. shes my first thought every day and its killing me. i want to tell her i need to be apart from her cos how i feel is hurting me and i need to get over it, but i know shes gonna hurt by this especially when i said i could do the friends thing, which i cant.

she told me when she wanted to end the relationship she wasnt comfortable with the amount physical contact we had as her previous relationship was a multiple year one and she wasnt shown much physical affection, yet she had no problems kissing me publically or slapping my ass when we we were out and she always initiated the sexual side of things, cos i didn't wanna seem pushy with her or have her think the only reason i was with her was because of that.

just being around her is intoxicating because of how i feel. i see more of her now than i did when we were together and as much as i wanna tell her i'm busy, or i have other plans so she doesnt come around to me i find myself spending the time together and shes even talked about us going away together again in the future for a weekend which i dont know if i can do.

her mum has told me i'm a decent guy and a nice guy cos ive spoken to her mum loads and her mum has told me she thinks very highly of me and that i seem to be the only one making sure her daughter is ok and looking after her as her mum lives in a different country.

i know this seems like a massive ranting mess but i dont know what to do. i am finding myself drinking alot which i know is not the answer but for a while while i'm drunk the empty feeling i have goes away. i am at this stage just feeling lost and confused by her behaviour and why if she wasnt comfortable in the first place with alot of stuff, why she had no problems with it for that length of time and telling me she was happy with it.... i'm just really confused by it all... sorry for the rant, i just needed to get it out and try figure out some answers to this....

in case anyone wonders, i'm 26 and shes 25 cos ive seen it asked in posts before here - been using boards long enough to know!!!!!

Beruthiel · 17-12-2004 11:29AM

She sounds very confused

I’m telling you from experience, that you will stay in that pain you feel as long as you continue to see her. It is virtually impossible to get over someone while they are still in your presence. You are torturing yourself!

The thing you must do, the most difficult, is to break all contact. It’s the only way – in six months you will be over her and perhaps ye can be friends again, but you MUST stop seeing her

perhaps this time apart will also give her time to reflect and think about what exactly she wants.
However, don't hang around waiting, get on with your life

pickarooney · 17-12-2004 11:34AM

she couldnt do the relationship thing

I've never been able to fathom what that was all about. She's being terribly cruel to you, possibly because you're a self-confessed carpet. You need to tell her plainly and clearly why you can never see her again, assuming she doesn't suddenly realise she was wrong to break up with you. (not saying she was wrong to break up with you, I've no idea either way).

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 11:42AM

Beruthiel wrote:

She sounds very confused

I’m telling you from experience, that you will stay in that pain you feel as long as you continue to see her. It is virtually impossible to get over someone while they are still in your presence. You are torturing yourself!

The thing you must do, the most difficult, is to break all contact. It’s the only way – in six months you will be over her and perhaps ye can be friends again, but you MUST stop seeing her

perhaps this time apart will also give her time to reflect and think about what exactly she wants.
However, don't hang around waiting, get on with your life

she has told me she doesnt know what she wants and i know i have to break all contact i just dont know how to do it without hurting her or say it in a way that wont hurt her, cos shes been hurt alot in her life and i dont wanna be another person who adds to that.

i cant exactly turn around and say "we need time apart because i love you and need to get it out of my system so we can be friends" cos that doesnt even sound right to me personally. how do i even put it to her without making her feel ****, cos ive been getting depressed again (probably doesnt help ive been dabbling in drugs and heaving drinking again neither) lately after suffering from it for years and it coming back to me after being free of it for a few years. shes the kinda person who would see that as her causing it and she'd think i'm yet another person she's hurt and further her own issues....

i know its gonna be hard as we live literally within a minutes walk of each other but we don't share friends so it wont be too difficult to avoid each other socially. i'm just afraid of hurting her doing this - how do i even broach this with her? how do I even go about saying this to her - i know there's probably no way of avoiding hurting her with this, but if i can minimise her getting hurt its preferable, as she really needs a break in her own life so she can rebuild it after so much hurt in her own.

this is just very very confusing and messed up :-(

Zulu · 17-12-2004 11:44AM

I don't know about that Beruthiel...
Evidently - nobody knows exactly - but it sounds like you might be in with a chance again. (You seem to think so anyway). Hold your fire till you go away for the weekend. Get drunk. Get her drunk. Tell her how you feel - there's no need to say you love her, but you need to explain that the "friends" thing isn't washing. Don't make any ultimatums. Don't make any ultimatums.

Don't make any ultimatums. She's 25 - she knows herself. She does sound confused though, so unless she can jump on board - walk away. Remember though Don't make any ultimatums.

Good luck.

(I'm kinda going through a similar deal currently, and am disgusded to admit that I'm haveing to do the whole "ignore them act" when we're out together. I chat up other girls etc.. I sickens me to do it - but it's working. Ladies - you truly are a fickle bunch)

Bri · 17-12-2004 11:49AM

Right all I could say to you is you can't let things continue this way. I'm guessing your a decent, upfront bloke who wore his heart on his sleeve around her. I'm not sure she's a total pr!ck-tease but I think she is screwing with your head and it is def. not good. It is a guess but it sound to me like she is confused. Girls can be like that a lot - scared and undecided when it comes to this sort of thing. I guess guys can too!

I'm positive drinking for you is no solution at all. Make an effort to spend time with your mates or doing sport or something like that. Sit down and think carefully about it and decide if you wanna talk to her frankly about your (and her) feelings...or if you don't wanna deal with it then your gonna have to distance yourself. How are you gonna feel if she scores someone else and your in the vicinity?

The reason I say that she's confused is her comments about not trusting herself, etc. She blatantly knows theres something between you two still. Staying the way you are now will probably lead to jealously, resentment, etc.

I know it can be unbearable but this kind situation requires action IMO. Your not ranting it's perfectly understandable. Although at her age I woulda thought she sounds somewhat immature. I know her mixed feelings might be understandable but how the hell is she dealing with the mixed signals and lack of space?

P.S. It is possible that she isn't as interested as you are and that's just the way things are. Although it is worth noting that her feelings may just be flourishing slower than yours - hence her ending it and yet not backing off.

Sorry that wasn't very clear but hoped it helps somewhat.

Zulu · 17-12-2004 11:50AM

Don't worry about hurting her - remember it was her that said she wanted to stop. You need to worry about yourself - noone else will.

Remember:
It is selfish of others to expect you to do things for them.

Beruthiel · 17-12-2004 11:53AM

it’s very nice of you to be taking her feelings so much into to account here, I commend you for that.
However you come first!

How do you broach it?
She could read this thread, it explains very well the pain you are in.

Otherwise, yes, you do talk to her, explain you are finding it difficult just staying friends, that your feelings are more than that, that you are feeling down and hurt and seeing her everyday is not helping you to get over her. That you need some time apart with no contact whatsoever.
Too bad if she doesn’t like it.
Can’t you see she’s taking advantage of you here? Maybe she doesn’t mean to, but she is. If she cannot see the torture you are feeling then she is being selfish too.
Again, it’s very commendable of you to be so nice toward her, but if you wish to get on with your life and feel healthy and happy I think you know deep down in your gut what has to be done.

Bri · 17-12-2004 11:57AM

Zulu wrote:

Evidently - nobody knows exactly - but it sounds like you might be in with a chance again. (You seem to think so anyway). Hold your fire till you go away for the weekend. Get drunk. Get her drunk.

Your kidding right?! Regardless of my view of drink what would he be thinking continuing to drink and then adding her to the equation. How many regrettable things have we done when drunk? If he wants one last shag then go for it. If she's worth more than that (she sounds like a difficult but worthwhile effort to me) then don't dream of this. What could possibly screw things up more than that?

I'd advocate the discussion idea. I'm undecided whether bringing it up way before, close to or on the trip is better. Ladies? I mean I can see her having some serious emotions if you bring it up out there but then again it is just the two of you and you could stop the walkover style and be frank about it and then let her make some decisions. Depends really.

Distancing yourself is the practical choice but if you feel she's that great then I would take a risk and go for the scarier process of actually dealing with it first. You can cut all ties after if needs be. Don't wanna end up thinking 'what if?'.

Kell · 17-12-2004 11:58AM

Sounds as though she wants her cake and eat it too.

as Ruthie pointed out, stop seeing her. Simple. Yes it will wreck your head because by the sounds of it you are in Lurve: BIG TIME. However, your failing to see that hanging on after this incredible woman is preventing you from looking at, seeing or shagging other maybe more incredible women.

Also, saying you want to end all contact, not even friends might make her realise that she does want a relationship with you which I have a feeling she does.

Anyways, be a lad for a while. Go out and explore the darker side of yourself. Get laid with as many as possible and get her out of your head. You cant do that sat beside her watchin a DVD.

K-

Zombienosh · 17-12-2004 11:58AM

this might sound weird but,........ write her a letter, including all the stuff u just said, explaining to her how u feel and so on.

Zulu · 17-12-2004 12:03PM

Bri wrote:

Your kidding right?! Regardless of my view of drink what would he be thinking continuing to drink and then adding her to the equation. How many regrettable things have we done when drunk?

No, I'm not kidding at all.

If you wanna sort it out I recommend, him, her, drink, and a big mixing bowl.
I have done thing I regretted when drunk - but I've also sort out so many of these "ohh I don't know" problems. It sounds like she likes him, but for so demented reason (that men aren't supposed to comprehend) dosen't want to be with him physically.

Introduce drink...

They end up together after haveing a big hool-la about this "just being friends" crap.
I forsee a dirty weekend.

Beruthiel · 17-12-2004 12:07PM

Zulu wrote:

I don't know about that Beruthiel...

well zulu
I think as you are in the same boat as himself, perhaps you can't see the wood for the trees? they need time apart, tis obvious!

Bri · 17-12-2004 12:08PM

Zulu wrote:

I forsee a dirty weekend.

As do I.

But a weekend is probably all it will ever be.

Kell wrote:

Also, saying you want to end all contact, not even friends might make her realise that she does want a relationship with you which I have a feeling she does.

Bang on.

tinkerbell · 17-12-2004 12:10PM

Go for the letter thing like -AlcoholicA- said. That way, you can just write down everything and hand it to her, and then she'll know everything you feel. Which would be better than saying it to her face coz you might forget some stuff or get upset, etc.

You keep putting her first when she's trampling on you, man. Her reasons for breaking it off seem a bit naff, if you ask me. How can she say she was so happy with you & can't trust herself around you, but break it off? As for the whole "she can't do the relationship thing", that's just crap because if you n her were truly happy, she wouldn't want things to end with you guys.

I'm sorry to be blunt about it, but the girl is screwing with your head. She wants to still be your best buddy even though she knows you are crazy about her. You need your own space so you can get over her and move on, until you're willing to do this, then you'll just keep feeling the way you are.

Also, try not to get into the drinking-to-make-the-pain-go-away cycle. It may remove the empty feeling for a while, but in the morning when you wake up, you'll have an awful hangover and feeling empty again, and it'll be ten times worse.

Write the letter, let her read it, and see what she thinks. If she still says she only wants to be friends, well you tried her best, and if she doesn't want the best, then that's her loss, not yours.

loz_the_boz · 17-12-2004 12:14PM

She got email ?

I suggest someone anon should mail her this thread link.

Bri · 17-12-2004 12:20PM

loz_the_boz wrote:

She got email ? I suggest someone anon should mail her this thread link.

No! Nooo!

Seriously getting an anon or named e-mail linking to a public forum where her sex life and emotions are being discussed by strangers. Bad idea.

The letter is a good bet. Tell her your feelings but make sure you don't come across as a doormat. The combination is tough but just try and be frank without sounding like you'd die for the girl. Girls like the effort a letter requires, and as the last poster said - her decision will have to be made and then take it from there.

Zulu · 17-12-2004 12:25PM

Beruthiel wrote:

well zulu
I think as you are in the same boat as himself, perhaps you can't see the wood for the trees? they need time apart, tis obvious!

That's not beyond the realms of possibility - its working for me though.

...but - no one here really knows what's going on. He - deep down in there, hidden under layers of emotions and other such crap, actually does know.
If the leaves her completely - walks away - one of two things will happen:
1) Time will pass. She'll meet someone else. He might meet someone else. ...but the attempt of a relationship they have now will be gone, and he'll be left with the "what if's???"

2) She can't bare being away from him and comes running back to him after realising he's the love of her life. He now wares the pants in the relationship, and life is a fairytale.

What's more likely? I'd be amazed if option 2) happens. Naturally for him it's the best choice though.

Being realistic though, he's cracked into her now, so he's not going to completely break contact and risk losing her. So, he plays the sound friend; the long game, and maybe he wins, maybe he loses. Either way he won't avoid more pain - that's gonna happen. I'm just trying to guide his course as quickly a possible down the path he's already chosen.

Zulu · 17-12-2004 12:27PM

ohh, and as for the letter!!!

DON'T WRITE A LETTER.

Never ever ever, commit anything to paper - unless you really REALLY have to. Walking up to her with your heart on a letter, standing around while she reads it.... are you people mental? Talk to her, definatly - but a letter.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 12:27PM

we went away for a weekend after we broke up three weeks ago and we had to get seperate rooms cos she said she didnt trust herself around me even though she trusted me not to do anything....

i think i am gonna have to just break all contact but sparing her feelings is something i have to do. it doesn't look like shes going home for christmas as she hasnt booked tickets home and has no-one here over the christmas period to be with, and theres no way i can do that to another human being over the christmas period. that'd be so ****. i know i have to put myself first and my feelings first, but i do not like hurting other people cos **** knows i've been hurt by so many people that i know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

i know i said i was a carpet in previous relationships but with her i wasn't. i stood my ground when needed and we compromised on stuff, in fact sometimes i even got my own way, which was a gd thing for me.

the other day she gave me a key to her apartment incase she lost hers cos i'm the only 'friend' that lives close to her that if she lost hers she could get it easily cos her other friends live out of dublin and wouldn't be arsed at 3 in the morning to drop a key down to her, only cos i live within a minutes walk of hers.

yes i'm my own worst enemy here and alot of what everyone says makes sense. i cant help being driven by my heart, my head has never really ruled the roost with me and ive always been someone who lives on their emotions and uses them as a guide, which is probably not a good thing either.

shes not interested in seeing other people or being with anyone else she has said that. she says she just wants to enjoy her life as it is now without having to worry about someone else or 'who they're with' or 'what they're up to' - but she does this with me. if i don't respond to texts or answer her calls she automatically gets defensive thinking shes done something to annoy me and it could just be i've missed her call cos i've been on the crapper or fallen asleep or had no credit (all of which has happened).

wish i could help how i feel about her and didn't feel like i do about her, as it would make this so much easier and i'd love to be a bastard about it, but i cant its just not in my nature and i stopped going round hurting people a long time ago because i didn't like it when it was done to me and made me change as a person. i wish i could go man-whoring to get over it, but i can't man whore and i just can't go sleeping around either, i'm not cool with it personally.

i just feel like i'm self destructing and last night i came in from work and immediately went into a bottle of wine, a few beers and a half a bottle of absynth topped off with a few pills just to try numb it all out and she came over, had a freak out at the state i was in, searched my apartment to make sure i had no more drugs and told me to get my ass to see my counsellor that i shouldn't have cancelled my appointment i was supposed to go to yesterday - i just got swamped in work and am under massive pressure there at the moment trying to tie up loose ends before xmas.

this thing with her is an added stress i have to problems with work, recently moving into a new place, financial problems, and health problems, and all i felt like doing last night was yet again ending it all and this morning i feel like ****, feel like i'm at rock bottom again and wondering how i'm gonna climb the mountain again for the third time to get my life back on track..

this just sucks - again sorry for ranting :-(

Bri · 17-12-2004 12:37PM

He doesn't have to wait around he can just give it to her.

Also, getting a weekend's shag vs. actually having the balls to do work out his life soberly. Time to be a man I say (and yes it is easy to say it when I don't have to do it!)

BaZmO* · 17-12-2004 12:40PM

I have to agree with Beruthiel on this one. You quite obviously need time apart if not for her to sort out her head then for you to avoid going postal.

It is indeed quite chivalrous of you to not want to hurt her feelings, but seeing as she said that she just wants to be friends because she's not in the right place for a relationship, how much of a friend could you be to her if one of your cosy nights in she decides to tell you she's seeing someone else?
Which in all fairness is where it’s gonna go if you try to remain friends while you are still harbouring the feelings that you have for her.
At the moment you are nothing more than a comfort blanket to her always at her beck and call.

I was in a similar situation a good few years ago and just like you my head was a complete an utter mess so I can sympathise with your situation. A friend mine that was aware of my situation advised me to tell the girl that I was seeing that I couldn’t go on any longer seeing her and that we should give it a break for a while. After about 2 or 3 weeks she realised what she was missing and I suppose sorted her head and we ended up getting together properly. That relationship lasted for 4 years. It was a turning point partly due to the fact that I stopped acting like a doormat and partly due to the fact that I gave her some time to sort out her own head. Tough love if you will.

Anyway, nobody ever said love was easy but unfortunately you have to play games to get want you want.

Best of luck with it.

B.

skywalker · 17-12-2004 12:44PM

DunnoWhatToDo wrote:

she has told me she doesnt know what she wants and i know i have to break all contact i just dont know how to do it without hurting her or say it in a way that wont hurt her, cos shes been hurt alot in her life and i dont wanna be another person who adds to that.

i cant exactly turn around and say "we need time apart because i love you and need to get it out of my system so we can be friends" cos that doesnt even sound right to me personally. how do i even put it to her without making her feel ****, cos ive been getting depressed again (probably doesnt help ive been dabbling in drugs and heaving drinking again neither) lately after suffering from it for years and it coming back to me after being free of it for a few years. shes the kinda person who would see that as her causing it and she'd think i'm yet another person she's hurt and further her own issues....

if your honest though she has hurt you, and if she doesnt know shes hurt you how is she going to stop? you need to honestly tell her most of what you've said on this thread. a letter is a good medium of putting this across, for the reasons already stated.

also time apart really is a good idea. you will see this with hindsight.

WhiteWashMan · 17-12-2004 12:47PM

you had a great relationship, enjoyed each others company and were madly in lust,

but...

she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, wants you as a friend, and has done nothing more to intimate that she still wants you, except as a mate.

and your problem appears to be that you still want her, but cant handle just being good friends?

is that a good summation of what you have posted?

so based on that, what exactly is it you are looking for?

WhiteWashMan · 17-12-2004 12:50PM

DunnoWhatToDo wrote:

we went away for a weekend after we broke up three weeks ago and we had to get seperate rooms cos she said she didnt trust herself around me even though she trusted me not to do anything....

i think i am gonna have to just break all contact but sparing her feelings is something i have to do. it doesn't look like shes going home for christmas as she hasnt booked tickets home and has no-one here over the christmas period to be with, and theres no way i can do that to another human being over the christmas period. that'd be so ****. i know i have to put myself first and my feelings first, but i do not like hurting other people cos **** knows i've been hurt by so many people that i know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

i know i said i was a carpet in previous relationships but with her i wasn't. i stood my ground when needed and we compromised on stuff, in fact sometimes i even got my own way, which was a gd thing for me.

the other day she gave me a key to her apartment incase she lost hers cos i'm the only 'friend' that lives close to her that if she lost hers she could get it easily cos her other friends live out of dublin and wouldn't be arsed at 3 in the morning to drop a key down to her, only cos i live within a minutes walk of hers.

yes i'm my own worst enemy here and alot of what everyone says makes sense. i cant help being driven by my heart, my head has never really ruled the roost with me and ive always been someone who lives on their emotions and uses them as a guide, which is probably not a good thing either.

shes not interested in seeing other people or being with anyone else she has said that. she says she just wants to enjoy her life as it is now without having to worry about someone else or 'who they're with' or 'what they're up to' - but she does this with me. if i don't respond to texts or answer her calls she automatically gets defensive thinking shes done something to annoy me and it could just be i've missed her call cos i've been on the crapper or fallen asleep or had no credit (all of which has happened).

wish i could help how i feel about her and didn't feel like i do about her, as it would make this so much easier and i'd love to be a bastard about it, but i cant its just not in my nature and i stopped going round hurting people a long time ago because i didn't like it when it was done to me and made me change as a person. i wish i could go man-whoring to get over it, but i can't man whore and i just can't go sleeping around either, i'm not cool with it personally.

i just feel like i'm self destructing and last night i came in from work and immediately went into a bottle of wine, a few beers and a half a bottle of absynth topped off with a few pills just to try numb it all out and she came over, had a freak out at the state i was in, searched my apartment to make sure i had no more drugs and told me to get my ass to see my counsellor that i shouldn't have cancelled my appointment i was supposed to go to yesterday - i just got swamped in work and am under massive pressure there at the moment trying to tie up loose ends before xmas.

this thing with her is an added stress i have to problems with work, recently moving into a new place, financial problems, and health problems, and all i felt like doing last night was yet again ending it all and this morning i feel like ****, feel like i'm at rock bottom again and wondering how i'm gonna climb the mountain again for the third time to get my life back on track..

this just sucks - again sorry for ranting :-(

ok, the girl is not really the issue here. you just appear to be focusing your unhappiness on this relationship.
getting back with the girl will not make you a happier person, it will just keep you warm in bed at night.

skywalker · 17-12-2004 12:53PM

also, if you live as close to her as you say, you need to move. and give back the key. its useless you breaking off contact is she can ring you a week later as shes "locked out".

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 01:15PM

skywalker wrote:

also, if you live as close to her as you say, you need to move. and give back the key. its useless you breaking off contact is she can ring you a week later as shes "locked out".

giving back the key is a definite, but moving is not an option i just signed a years lease on the place and spent months trying to find the apartment I got now, which has everything i need and am settled there and its my home. put it this way, i wouldnt exactly bump into her alot as we work very different hours but you are all correct and i know i gotta break contact completely even though its hard cos i know its gonna hurt her, but it is for my own good (as selfish as that sounds).

Beruthiel · 17-12-2004 01:48PM

Dunno wrote:

but it is for my own good (as selfish as that sounds).

get it into your head
that's not selfish at all!
you have to take care of numero uno first before you can deal with anything else
seriously!

good luck with it btw
a

Zulu · 17-12-2004 01:50PM

DunnoWhatToDo wrote:

i just feel like i'm self destructing and last night i came in from work and immediately went into a bottle of wine, a few beers and a half a bottle of absynth topped off with a few pills just to try numb it all out and she came over, had a freak out at the state i was in, searched my apartment to make sure i had no more drugs and told me to get my ass to see my counsellor that i shouldn't have cancelled my appointment i was supposed to go to yesterday - i just got swamped in work and am under massive pressure there at the moment trying to tie up loose ends before xmas.

Ok - no offence, but perhaps you getting in state such as this is a massive put-off for her. People look for certain traits when they choose mates. One trait that is very rarely looked for is this. Why would she start a relationship with you and run the risk of coming home some night to find you've OD'd?

Get yourself to some councelling. Sort out your issues.

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 01:58PM

any ideas on how to put it to her without coming off sounding like a jackass? i know not hurting her is gonna be difficult, but if there's a way to phrase it or not have it sound like i'm being a dick it'd be much appreciated.... which is best 'face-to-face' or 'phone call' or 'letter' or 'text'? i know there's some who'd advocate one of the four or any of them, but this is a conversation i am scared of having and i dont wanna screw it up and need to get it right.... why the **** are things this difficult in life.....!!!!!!

LegacyUser · 17-12-2004 02:01PM

Zulu wrote:

Ok - no offence, but perhaps you getting in state such as this is a massive put-off for her. People look for certain traits when they choose mates. One trait that is very rarely looked for is this. Why would she start a relationship with you and run the risk of coming home some night to find you've OD'd?

Get yourself to some councelling. Sort out your issues.

we've both had individual problems in our past with od's and its something we both found out about each other very early on, which is something we found comfort in being able to talk about with each other on top of a whole bunch of other crap we have in common. but your right, i need to see my counsellor and get my head sorted. thanks for the advice.

pickarooney · 17-12-2004 02:02PM

Agree with Zulu (and hence disagree with his earlier assertion that booze will help solve your problem); is there any chance that when she said she wasn't into the whole relationship thing that she meant she didn't want to be responsible for an alky boyfriend?
Whatever chance you have of getting back with her, you're completely fúcking it up by drinking yourself to bits.

Zulu · 17-12-2004 02:12PM

pickarooney wrote:

Agree with Zulu (and hence disagree with his earlier assertion that booze will help solve your problem)

I feel compelled to explain...
When I said drinks, I ment a regular social amount. Of course, at that point, I wasn't privy to the fact that you'd consider washing down pills with wine, beer, and half a bottle of Absinte, and consider it stress relief.

Your chances of scoring her while carrying on like that are hopelessly slim - kinda like trying to avoid cancer by smoking while cleaning the dust of old reactors.

BEAT · 17-12-2004 02:24PM

wow, I really feel for you...and for her.
I havnt read everyone else's comments, all I have to say is this.
It may be possible you were her re-bound man...though we do have feelings for the ones we rebound with we are not always going to end up with them.

It does sound as though she wants to keep you in her life, and giving you the key is a security measure on her part. I think all she needs is time apart from you to realise what she wants or doesnt want.

Do both of yourselves a favor and cut off all contact for awhile, when she rings and wants to get together dont make yourself available. Say you have to babysit your nephew or what have you, or have to go to your parents house for somthing.
Whatever you do, just make that space between you so she can see what she is missing and decide if its what she really wants.

After atleast month of space give her a friendly ring, ask out for coffee see how things are going. Let her know you are still friends but that you need space away until she knows what she wants because she is obviously still confused.

Hope it works out for you, sounds like you are really hurting.

Beruthiel · 17-12-2004 02:32PM

DunnoWhatToDo wrote:

any ideas on how to put it to her without coming off sounding like a jackass? i know not hurting her is gonna be difficult, but if there's a way to phrase it or not have it sound like i'm being a dick it'd be much appreciated.... which is best 'face-to-face' or 'phone call' or 'letter' or 'text'? i know there's some who'd advocate one of the four or any of them, but this is a conversation i am scared of having and i dont wanna screw it up and need to get it right.... why the **** are things this difficult in life.....!!!!!!

face to face
only teenagers text

I gave the jist of what to say in an earlier post

Bri · 17-12-2004 03:01PM

I don't think you need to get the conversation right. I think you simply have to have it. Walk in there knowing that the outcome may not be 'right' or pleasant for you but that the longrun goal of it will be. Good luck with it. I know I've said a letter is good but I if your willing to give it a shot talking is by far the most effective way. Know the way people misread things or can't write stuff down, etc. Conversations mean you can judge each other's body language, tone and so on.

All the best with it!

Kell · 17-12-2004 03:17PM

DunnoWhatToDo wrote:

any ideas on how to put it to her without coming off sounding like a jackass? i know not hurting her is gonna be difficult, but if there's a way to phrase it or not have it sound like i'm being a dick it'd be much appreciated.... which is best 'face-to-face' or 'phone call' or 'letter' or 'text'? i know there's some who'd advocate one of the four or any of them, but this is a conversation i am scared of having and i dont wanna screw it up and need to get it right.... why the **** are things this difficult in life.....!!!!!!

Why bother facing it head on? Look, she hurts you. Being around her with nothing more than a peck on the cheek hurts you. Confronting her with "look we cant be anything, even friends" is going to hurt you and hurt her. Would you constantly stab yourself in the eye with a pencil? No- you'd go blind which is metaphorically whats happened here.

Just cease contact- she'll get the message. As for her thinking you're an ass-hole, forget it. She's going to think your an ass-hole anyway if you tell her you cant handle just being friends.

BTW- this shíte about her not trusting herself with you- carrot- and you're falling for it everytime. Technically and being a bit brutal, you are her play thing, someone she can tease at will while not actually giving anything away.

Just walk away and put yourself and your feelings first. No one else gives a shíte about you which is something you'll figure in time. There are a gazillion lush women in the world. Taste loads of them until you find the perfect one because she's out there. Why limit yourself and your sights on someone who is causing you damage.

Sorry to hear work is going shíte for you too. Nothin worse than havin love and work troubles. Gah :mad:

K-

dunno wat to do about her

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