Dream The Demon Smile

ven0m

It's 7am & my heart feels empty,
Staring down at my last shot
Stumbling around & then I fall,
Realisation as I hit the wall,
Remembering that she's upset & angry,
Read my words,
knew the story,
Saw herself in what I wrote,
Labelled me a liar in her mind,
I am aware,
Of what the problem is,
As the morning sun burns my eyes,
Walking the city in my life,
the disguise of my own lies,
Bottle of pills no help,
Empty bottles don't answer,
I pass out cold on a seat,
curled into myself for heat,
Drunken stumbles as I wake,
Brain elaborating my mistakes,
Photographic proof of my history,
What I see a mystery to me,
I'm taken, shaken & failing,
Writhing in my own existence.

Light the last shot,
blow it out,
Drink to quell the demon's shout,
His anger, his pain,
his frustration driving me insane,
daring me to burn away to him,
Tearing me to reflect him,
Clawed skin as he breaks free,
This evil slowly raping me,
His burning stare behind my eyes,
His truths no more than twisted lies,
He's hurting to escape,
Causing me to break,
Driving me to cut myself to see him free,
In a claret river flowing from me,
Tears mixed with my own blood,
fuelled & full from my body,
as I fall limp & collapse,
my worst fear come true,
no way to stop or restrict,
the escape of the jailed convict.

Stealing my pain for fuel,
Causing me self harm too,
Close the door,
Turn the key,
By this demon I be driven,
What he does remains unforgiven,
Am I living?
Institutionalised as the body crumbles,
Too far fallen for a smile,
no longer remaining fallen,
How can I find peace,
As I walk the streets,
When he won't let me be,
An evolution in the space of time,
Is this my time to shine?
He's the cast shadow you see,
Walking right behind me,
Forever chasing, never leaving,
this duality so uneasy,
I don't belong here,
Like the candle burned at both ends,
Leave me hidden away,
So I can never feel again.


::: ven0mous :::

BEAT

*sigh*
you painted a picture there...
a man torn apart...unshaven and unbathed
no cares and drinking the hurt away.
It is very strong and very emotional,
this is great material.

I'd love to get a copy of your book...pm me the details when its done
I'd love to take a look

ven0m

Cheers Beat - tis biographical......

hopefully I can get this book deal sorted out - if not, simple solution is create a website, stick it ALL online & work from there.... the volume of work I have is growing by the week at this rate.... thanks again for the support & feedback, much appreciated!!!


::: ven0mous :::

orangerooster

You're a damned good poet Venom!The work you've put up here is really great!Please keep on writing!

femmedujour

Sorry i don't like it. Just seems so cliche and predictable. And the rhyming really gets on my nerves. You do have potential as a poet though, i think. Just try and use less of the 'I want to kill myself stuff'. Really gets old.

Fysh

Ven0m : I'm in two minds about this. The first part works quite well; the imagery works for me, and there's a stumbling sort of rhythm to it that complements what's being described quite neatly. I have to agree that some of the rhyming feels too forced and simplistic, although this is a far better and less clichéd handling of the subject matter than most I've seen. It would benefit overall from a few tweaks (although if its specific suggestions you want, you'd be better off waiting to hear from other poets - I can critique it to an extent, but can't write it to save my life), but there's definitely the blood and guts of something very good there.

femmedujour : three of your four posts in this thread have no comment on the piece concerned, of these the closest to being something useful is just a quote of someone else's lyrics with no explanation for why you're posting it. This is the sort of thing that's likely to earn you a ban, I'd think, rather than saying you didn't like the piece (which would be weird - creative writing groups need constructive and honest criticism, which necessarily involves occasionally being told that someone doesn't like your work).

Now, where's that attentionwhore card when you need it?

BEAT

Venom, sorry the thread got off topic there...hopefully there iss till room for constructive criticism.
Users have been warned and banned temporarily.

Fysh, thanks for the back up

I really enjoy reading your work Venom, ofcourse everyone wont and not everyone has to..which is why we are free post our comments "on the work", hopefully next time people will stay on topic.