Looking For Some Feedback Please...

Starvin_Artist

So yeah i've been writing a couple years and i cant really find anyone that wants to read it so, maybe some of ye can read these and let me know what ye think, and if i should pursue poetry...thanks


#1
I can hide my lies with lines,
blotting paper for my sins,
my skin is my canvas.

and with my tools
i am an artist,
i carve and sculpt and mould myself,
an artform of great pretence maybe.
a cry in the night,
a new masterpiece.

#2
the muse,
she knows
when i close my eyes,
rocks on her golden hair,
i know, she knows.

my despair,
cast inside my imagination,
truth brings fear
and fear will kill us all

#3
Bridging Point.

I feel your pain over the distance,
just because we were never close,
doesnt mean i cant see the hurt in your eyes,
how much is mine i wonder.

if i could take it back i would,
i'd blame it on my immaturity,
in truth i'm just a selfish bitch,
but i'm sorry for it now.

i dont hate you as much as you think,
maybe you dont think,
i dont know,
really i dont hate you at all,
but i cant tell you otherwise

i am grateful for the thigs you've done,
more than you'll ever know,
more than i'll ever show,
but i mean it all the same.

what else can i say?
i could write for days,
but it wouldnt erase your memories,
maybe it'd help.

and maybe someday we'll be close
like the first time you held me in your arms,
there is nothing else harder for me to say,
so i hope you know i love you anyway.

#4
today i stand alone,
on the pier,
the sunlight fades,
i look for you.

ive been searching for weeks
in the rain and sun,
maybe its not you im looking for.

maybe i look for myself in you,
a return of the love you give, maybe,

but i stand alone,
searching, searching,
the emptiness,
it never ends.


(any comments would be grat thanks)

BEAT

hmmm, well thanks for sharing first of all.
In its current structure I had expected it to rhyme...not that it has too mind you.
I think it sounds as if you are speaking to someone...perhaps you are sending a message under a different identity?

I think your words sound desperate and have a tone of regret, a sentiment many can relate too.
I would suggest changing the structure and turning it more into a section of prose than trying to make it a piece of poetry?

keep on posting so we can see your progress

Lilliput Girl

I quite like the way they are. I don't think they need much change. Perhaps the Bridging Point could be altered a little bit as you lose a slight amount of control over the poem here and there. I think the first two are really cleverly written. If you want my advice, for the little it's worth, I would stick to really short poems for a while and squeeze as much into those as you can without over complicating it. That way, when you go to lengthen your poetry, you'll have a much greater control over the ideas that you're writing down.