New Relationship Tingley Feeling

LegacyUser

Considering the much more pressing issues people on this board have I feel a little 'whimsical' with my story but I would like to hear some ones opinions.

I'm 30 and have been going out with my girlfriend (32) since I was 19. Yep eleven years in February! We get on very well and are solid friends. We are very financially entangled and own a house and car together. In this time I have never looked at another women - never even considered it. I know my girlfriend "shifted" a colleague a few times but that was early in the relationship and was about 7 years ago.

It's not hard to guess where this is headed! I have 'liked' a girl (lets call her Alice) at work for the past 3 years but hadn't really spoken to her much lately. Anyways, in typical christmas party style I got hammered on bloody Tiger Beer last Thursday and ended up blurting out to Alice that "I liked her a lot and I can't help this feeling". Can't remember everything said but I know I went too far. Don't know why I said anything but I was very drunk and much more drunk then she was. Alice was very receptive but rightly said she wouldn't have anything to do with me while I had a girlfriend.

Typical drunk office party, eh! I've been thinking a lot about this over this weekend (my girlfriend is away for a few weeks) and I realize the problem is that I really miss the "new relationship feeling". Actually, I am feeling very greedy. I know that all relationships fizzle out at some stage to a kind of "happy norm". Perhaps, I started my relationship too young. See between the ages of 19-25 I had the "Tingley Feeling" with my girlfriend but I haven't had it for a long time now.

Has anybody else had this problem, and how did you resolve it. It seems there are three scenarios for me,

1. Leave everything alone. Status Quo. This is my most likely course of action.

2. Tell my girlfriend to try and put more fizz back in the relationship. Risk hugely insulting her and perhaps make here feel its her fault (which it most certainly not).

3. End my relationship as amicably as possible. Go back on the circuit. End up making a mess of my financial situation - just moved into an apartment this year. Does it really matter because any other possible relationship will end up the same anyway.

The thing is that my girlfriend want us to get married soon - but I don't feel ready - can't say that after 11 years though!

And there is Alice in the equation as well. I can't stop thinking about her. The damn "Tingley Feeling"!

As I said, I feel greedy and arrogant writing this considering other peoples problems - but I feel its decision time for me and I would like to hear if anybody on this board has advice for me. Please don't flame me!

Bri

In my view you'd be crazy to go for the status quo or end everything. Option 2 should be your first course of action. Sounds like you've got a great thing going overall so unless you know in your head you want out but are scared then simply put those extra thoughts towards putting more emphasis on your current girlfriend and you as a couple. I'm no expert but the usual stuff like a trip away (doesn't have to be abroad), meals out, maybe give once a week towards something for the two of you to remind you your a couple not just friends who live together!

I've no advice for you towards 'Alice' cos someone else will have dealt with that kinda thing before.

Actually...I will say this - I'm guessing that Alice is a nice girl, etc. but that really she just is a regular place to focus your 'unhappinness', for want of a better word. It seems quite probable that if you broke up you'd have a fling but then end up back single. Dunno how well you know the girl but it's probably just in a work environment so you don't know her well at all. Getting married pressures may just exacerbate these issues. Sit down and talk to your better half and explain that regular talk of marriage is something your not totally liking, regardless of how long your going out. I wouldn't do anything unless I was ready for it. If she doesn't work with you on this THEN you could look into option 3.

In short, don't do anything rash / just give up. Make an effort, and encourage your girlfriend to alswell. She shouldn't get worked up if you simply say you wanna start making a concious effort to see each other instead of simply watching TV at the end of the day and so on...

Oh and buy her lingerie.

Hope that helps!

Plastic Scouser

guest_999 wrote:

2. Tell my girlfriend to try and put more fizz back in the relationship.

Thought I'd just point out that it's not only the responsibility of your girlfriend to put more fizz into the relationship!! Try being a bit more spontaneous, start doing new things together, go on holiday somewhere exciting, or take up separate hobbies so you have something new to talk about, go on dates with each other again, flirt with each other again - my point is that there is tons you can do in the pursuit of renewed excitement and tingly-feeling-ness!! Put the effort in before doing anything drastic!

guest_999

I think I wasn't prepared for a "bump" between my 20's and 30's. Not saying I'm getting old or anything (!) just that I think a certain new reality for me is emerging.

I think part of the problem is that we have both become "too comfortable". We both like trying different foods and Dublin is pretty good for doing that. I would say that we go for a nice meal at least once a week (maybe three times a fortnight). We generally enjoy ourselves but rarely go out for a drink afterwards.

We have completely separate friends and nearly always did. It seems during our twenties that we were the 'cool' couple. We did everything with our friends during the week and kept the weekend for ourselves. Most of our respective friends were single or had on/off relationships for most of this period.

Recently in the past 2 years in seems that many of my girlfriends friends have got shacked up with partners, engaged, house, sometimes a kid ... all in the space of I would say 2.5 years! Most of them are still at the "tingley stage" of their relationships and they seemed to have moved from 0-60 as fast as a F1 car. They don't go out much anymore - basically they don't do what my girlfriend and I did for many years: continue to stay friends with people and not get 100% glued to each other. It has resulted in my girlfriend loosing a lot of social interaction that I know she misses. In fact it bothers me a lot. She has been in the same job for the past six years (as have all her friends) and she has found it very difficult to find a new job - mainly because according to herself she does very bad interviews (she is very very shy when talking to new people or being put on the spot).

It means that where previously she had an active social life it seems to have been greatly restrained of late. She has considered night courses, volunteer work, etc. but her shyness makes that more difficult. I do whatever I can to encourage it though and would be willing to join/volunteer as well - but that kind of defeats the purpose. Most of the time her cycle is work/mope around the house/tv/papers/bed. She only sleeps about 4/6 hours a night and would drink at least 3 glasses of wine every evening.

I work at an unusual job (for Ireland anyways) as a officer with the defense forces and it's a very clicky afair. Partners are generally not present at after work drinks, etc. I think its the nature of the job that I get on well with 'Alice' (remember her!), because basically she does the same job as me (same rank). I've moved around a bit in jobs though (I have an IT degree as well) so I have a good circle of friends that don't seem to be as shacked up as my girlfriends. I was thinking of trying to introduce my girlfriend into the group (not easy because of army lingo and politics) but my blabing to Alice last Thursday has made that an impossibility - I would be too nervous if something came out.

Sorry, am I rambling a bit? I find writhing it down as very therapeutic.

We both love travel - in particular weekend breaks. Last year we visited Paris, London, Zurich, Copenhagen and Amsterdam. Yeah, travel has me nearly broke. We always enjoy these trips away but I think the looking forward to them turns out better that when we are actually there. We never have sex when away. That's mostly my fault I think. The lust has gone for me.

I've read over my post and I think I am coming across as very greedy/immature. I don't think though that I am either though!

It's just the default for us has always been "very happy" and this feeling of dread/regret/lust/boredom/guilt/fault/cheating has just kind of crept up on me. The thing is that my gf doesn't really know much of how I feel. If I was to put maths on it I would guess that I am 60% happy with how things are and she is about the same. You see, I don't think you can extract your feeling about your relationships from your feelings about the rest of your life.

She feels lonely for how things used to be and so do I. Maybe I have a lot of growing up to do still (I didn't think I did). I've come to the conclusion that a relationship with Alice is escapism. I got a text from her this morning which I am still to chicken sh*t to read. On another note, pissing off girls with guns is probably not a great idea! Like Fianna Fail I've a "lot done with more to do" in my current relationship.

I wish I could feel again like I did during the dot-com era (which I didn't partake in!). I don't want kids/house (have one though!)/responsibility. I don't want to grow up. We both enjoyed our twenties. I want it back. Perhaps we are both missing the tingles!

kazzer

Hi guest_999,

We never have sex when away. That's mostly my fault I think. The lust has gone for me.

I think the root of your problem may lie here.

guest_999

Plastic Scouser wrote:

Thought I'd just point out that it's not only the responsibility of your girlfriend to put more fizz into the relationship!!

Sorry that was a bit of a typo on my part. I meant to say:

Tell my girlfriend how I feel. Be fully truthful and "clear the air". Give us both a jolt by speaking the unpalatable out loud. Then it is for me to work at putting more fizz in certainly.

.

Bri

Sorry to ask but if you don't have sex when in exotic locations - how are things when back in mundane Ireland?

tinkerbell

guest_999 wrote:

She only sleeps about 4/6 hours a night and would drink at least 3 glasses of wine every evening.

We never have sex when away. That's mostly my fault I think. The lust has gone for me.

I would guess that I am 60% happy with how things are and she is about the same.

I don't want kids/house (have one though!)/responsibility. I don't want to grow up. We both enjoyed our twenties. I want it back. Perhaps we are both missing the tingles!

#1 - It ain't good if she's drinking at least 3 glasses of wine every evening.

#2 - Why do you say that the "lust" has gone for you? Are you confusing lust with love?

#3 - 60% happy ain't good - you both obviously need to make more of an effort to make it work if you're just over 50% happy with each other.

#4 - You've been going out with the girl for 11 years. You cannot go back to your twenties. Put more effort into getting the spark back than saying to yourself "oh I want to go back to when we were younger". You can get that back if you make an effort, not if you sit around moping about it.

TALK TO HER!

Invader Zim

tinkerbell wrote:

#1 - It ain't good if she's drinking at least 3 glasses of wine every evening.

Drinking everyday?

Does she regularly drink more than half a bottle (3 glasses, 375ml)?

guest_999

Invader Zim wrote:

Drinking everyday?

Does she regularly drink more than half a bottle (3 glasses, 375ml)?

She really likes wine - so I'm not sure if its a connoisseur thing or an alcohol thing. I mean, she must have 50 books on wines and is always hunting out little off licenses to buy a special (not usually expensive) bottles that she knows a lot about. I generally go to bed at around 10pm where she will stay up until around 2am most evenings. She really only needs a few hours sleep where as I need loads!

So I'm not sure how much exactly. Its NEVER a full bottle and never a single glass - so I would guess 2/3 glasses that would be drunk between 9pm - 2am at least 13 nights out of 14.

As I said - she really likes wine. Personally, I would only have a glass with a meal. I really only drink when I'm out with friends which is about once every fortnight - much more at this time of year.

Is this unusual behavour ? I really don't know if is or isn't. At one stage she said she was a little worried about how much she drank, but that was at a time when her job was looking a little sketcy. Since then it has picked up and here mood has improved somewhat. Don't think she is drink much less though!

Invader Zim

If she's really into wine, then it's probably nothing - especially if she can go without a few days running.

As for the relationship end of things, i'm not the one to ask.

IV

guest_999

BTW. Thanks all for you comments so far. She is coming back from a long-ish work trip next in a weeks time and I am resolved to really make her homecoming extra special. Get off on a good foot after her being away for nearly two months and just before christmas seems like a good idea. Thanks for giving me the boost to do it!

I have a more pressing concern though. I've to face work tomorrow and Alice. Sh*t. I don't really remember where we left things on Thursday. I rang in sick on Friday (matters of national security can go to hell when I've a hangover!). Also, I don't know how many of my colleagues heard or know what went on.

Come on ladies and gentlemen, any tips for facing the office the weekend after a christmas party? You surly have been there before! Do I e-mail Alice immediately with an apology saying my behavior was unacceptable, or will I ring her desk or will I just leave it be (bad idea I think) ???

We almost never draw firearms on a regular day on barracks so if I see her with a weapon I'm practicing the 5 minute mile! :eek:

MojoMaker

Why didn't you tell us earlier that your girlfriend's been away for nearly two months?? No wonder you've developed sexual feelings for someone else.

guest_999

MojoMaker wrote:

Why didn't you tell us earlier that your girlfriend's been away for nearly two months?? No wonder you've developed sexual feelings for someone else.

It doesn't come in to it as much as you think. This has been going on for at least most of this year. Its more like six weeks as well. Regular-ish travel is not that unusual with her job although this stay away has been the longest. Usually its a few days to europe but this was to Japan which makes the time-zone fairly awkward.

sceptre

guest_999 wrote:

Is this unusual behavour ?

Drinking a half bottle of wine 13 nights out of every 14? Not if she's a professional wine critic, though even then it might be considered a workaholic problem.

Blisterman

Maybe you should add more excitment to your relationship. Not just sexually (But that too)
Do something together you've never done before.
And I think you should tell her how you feel, see if she's feeling the same way, because if she is. Maybe you should consider ending it.