Monogomy?

Ali Cat

Okay, so I've had this housemate for almost a year now and in that time we have become great friends. When he first moved in I had a boyfriend who I'd been seeing for about a year and it never occurred to me to look at my housemate (who I shall henceforth refer to as Bob) in a romantic context. Well my boyfriend and I broke up and "Bob" was wonderful and we hung out a lot and then, out of the blue, we slept together. And then it happened again. And again. And then it was happening regularly. Now because we were friends I'd been telling him about all the action I was getting since I'd become single but suddenly he didn't want to know and became grumpy whenever I stayed out all night. And now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want me to bring other people home at all. And I don't understand why not. In my opinion, we have a great time together, both hanging out and in bed and he knows he's really important to me so why shouldn't I have relations(I'm trying not to offend anyone here) with other people?
Please help me understand his feelings and give me advice on what to do!

Seraphina

he doesn't want you sleeping with other people?
well i reckon he wants to keep you to himself so
kinda obvious, no?
or maybe just dont talk about all the other guys you're sleeping with in front of him.

Could it be he's fallen in love with you? And he gets jealous like most guys?

seamus

You have two choices:

1. Start going out with him
2. Move out.

Men don't mind one-night stands or even **** buddies, but when you're living with him, he'll subconsciously start to treat you as his property and become petty and jealous when you sleep with other men, or bring them home. Quite frankly - he wants to have you whenever he wants, not whenever you're available. The fact that you're sleeping with other men means that he could lose you altogether if you start going out with someone else.

Your friendship cannot continue if you stay housemates, period. This gives you the two options above.

Chad ghostal

Is he going out with/sleeping anyone else?
As seraphina said..
He doesnt see it as just casual roomate sex..

you probably shouldnt sleep with him again unless you intend on not sleeping with anyone else... your just feckin with his head.

just talk to him.

ravenhead

Yeah have to agree with Seamus on this, it sounds like he is after developing feelings for you other than you being his ****Buddie, But ask yourself something, do you think it would bother you if he brought girls home & told you every thing that he got up to with them????? Maybe it's time to stop looking for something that seems to be right under your nose!

Iago

"This law of monogamy, or the monogamic system, laid the foundation for prostitution and the evils and diseases of the most revolting nature and character under which modern Christendom groans,..."

Iago

Iago wrote:

"This law of monogamy, or the monogamic system, laid the foundation for prostitution and the evils and diseases of the most revolting nature and character under which modern Christendom groans,..."

So I gather, you think monogamy is bad..

Iago

"Since the founding of the Roman empire monogamy has prevailed more extensively than in times previous to that. The founders of that ancient empire were robbers and women stealers, and made laws favoring monogamy in consequence of the scarcity of women among them, and hence this monogamic system which now prevails throughout Christendom, and which had been so fruitful a source of prostitution and whoredom throughout all the Christian monogamic cities of the Old and New World, until rottenness and decay are at the root of their institutions both national and religious."

Papa Smut wrote:

So I gather, you think monogamy is bad..

Not exactly I just think they're interesting quotes. For myself I have enough trouble pleasing one partner, why anyone would want more than one is beyond me

Monogamy or otherwise is dictated by what you want out of a relationship, always ask yourself "If my partner was doing what I'm doing would I be bothered by it?" if the answer is yes then you shouldn't do it.

If the answer is no, then you're either not involved on a serious level, or you need to take a close look at your relationship

tinkerbell

Ali Cat wrote:

Now because we were friends I'd been telling him about all the action I was getting since I'd become single but suddenly he didn't want to know and became grumpy whenever I stayed out all night. And now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want me to bring other people home at all. And I don't understand why not.

Isn't it obvious that he must think of you more than a f-buddy. If he didn't give a rat's ass about you, and twas only about sex, he probably wouldn't care less about other people you're doing as well.

Talk to him, you're only wrecking his head by sleeping with him and then telling him about all your other conquests.

koneko

When he became your funk buddy, did the two of yous sit down and discuss it? Or at least say it or set boundaries? If things started happening, and no one mentioned anything about it being a sex-only thing, it's only fair to assume he might have had a different idea about what's happening.

It sounds like you thought he was your funk buddy, and he thought the two of your had something going on.

ionapaul

Funk buddy? Like when you're friends with George Clinton? Man, that would rule so much...I want a funk buddy!

koneko

It's my super special replacement word for fuc.k

Victor

Ali Cat wrote:

we slept together .... all the action I was getting since I'd become single but suddenly he didn't want to know and became grumpy whenever I stayed out all night. And now it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want me to bring other people home at all.

Assumming you aren't bubbles... can I call you a slapper? You are living with and sleeping with someone. This can often be construed as "having a relationship" with that person.

MojoMaker

Aye, it doesn't even sound like a female talking tbh.

yawnstretch

Monogamy these days is also something I wonder about. One things for sure though; its definitely a better choice once kids come into the equation.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Sleepy

He's a bloke, he's shagging you, this means that he views you in some way as "his". It's instinctive male behaviour. Think back to our origins as pack animals, where there was an alpha male who had a number of mates. It's instinctive for guys to become possessive of anyone we're having sex with. I've alwasy thought of not talking about other partners as being one of the unwritten rules of fúck-buddy relationships. Personally it makes me a little squirmish to hear about ex-girlfriends current relationships, even though I've no intentions or desire to get back with them so I can kind of understand where he's coming from tbh.

Ali Cat

Well we talked last night and I understand a bit better now. It does feel like we're in a relationship and that does entail commitment, it's just that I'm still not quite able to grasp why. I mean I don't mind if he wants to sleep with other girls...

koneko

I mean I don't mind if he wants to sleep with other girls...

How is he supposed to know that if you don't discuss it? He's not a mindreader.

Ali Cat

But we have discussed it, and I've said just that! I don't know, feelings are just so complicated!

koneko

You talked to him last night. That's no good. You should have set boundaries at the beginning. Talking to him now doesn't change his feelings. If he was under the impression you had a relationship (and not a casual thing), he probably has feelings for you already. Talking about it weeks/months later and saying "oh yeah, we were just fu.ck buddies, you know that don't you?" doesn't work. You never mentioned if you discussed this when things started.

Ali Cat

We did, and I tried to explain that I wasn't ready for a relationship. But we talked last night about the fact that that's what it's turned into so I'm going to try to respect his feelings and not be with other people because I guess ultimately even if I don't understand why he's still important enough to me for me to put the way he feels first.

Praetorian

Being f**k buddies rarely works out over the long term, because inevitably someone starts to have feelings for the other person, and then all of a sudden they are in love.
…

Ali Cat

Ali Cat wrote:

We did, and I tried to explain that I wasn't ready for a relationship. But we talked last night about the fact that that's what it's turned into so I'm going to try to respect his feelings and not be with other people because I guess ultimately even if I don't understand why he's still important enough to me for me to put the way he feels first.

Best of luck with that, hope it works out well.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

koneko

merc wrote:

I think it would have been fairly obvious from where he was standing during it all and her "telling him about all the action" she was getting... that he was not in a "relationship" that would be considered normal.

I get the impression from her post that they were having their thing, and then when she started talking about other lads he got cold. Up until that point she hadn't been discussing all the lads she was with. Maybe I'm wrong. What I'm suggesting is that up until that point, he had a different impression of what type of "relationship" they had than her.

If it was clear, then fair enough, but sometimes this type of situation happens. One person is clear about it being a fu.ck only situation, but the other had a different impression.