Relationship breakdown

Mrs.Babalady

This is my first time on here but I can't get my head around my situation alone so i'm looking for your help.
I had been with my ex for 19months & living with him in his mothers.I was going a little nuts under the stress of living there & constantly having no privacy.(i had previously rented for 8 years privately) Eventually i said i had to move out,he begged me to wait until he was ready to come with me.I waited. By the summer i was desperate so we found a place & i paid the deposit.When i came home that evening he told me he wasn't happy.After an hour on nothing from him i ended up asking did he want to break up.He said yes.I was devastated but moved out the next day.Over the following few weeks he contacted me asking to meet,when we'd meet he wouldn't/couldn't talk to me. I really wanted to know what had gone wrong but nothing was forthcoming. I am in counselling because i feel like im going mad not knowing the reason. We were always so close & for him to not even try to get over his quietness to try & explain things to me has been the most hurtful.
I have had to stay in touch with him to get some joint affairs of ours sorted & he'd always says he'll do it but not follow through.
Yesterday he asked to meet me as he needed to talk. I thought maybe i might now get an insight into what went wrong. We met & he told me he was seeing someone else, who just happens to be one half of a couple we knew through friends of his. They split up recently & 3 weeks later he asked her out. She is a lovely person although I am shocked her 6 year relationship has ended & even more shocked to learn of them dating. I cannot get this feeling of having meant so little to him out of my head. I am still very sad about our breakup. I rang him today to try & finally get our dealings sorted & he was just abusive to me. In the long run I do believe now we are not meant to be together but I feel I must have meant very little for him to replace me so quickly, with someone I know & also to hurt her ex in such a manner too.
Will I get over this & when ,I want to feel normal again.

snappieT

What age are you and what age is he?

Mrs.Babalady

i'm 32. He's 27

ravenhead

it sounds to me like he wasn't ready to move out of home! He doesn't seem to be the most maturest of people in my opinion. Can you afford to just cut all ties with him?

Mrs.Babalady

You are right, he's not very mature but he talked the talk & i believed him.
I think it was ok for me to be un-happy but when it came time for him to make a move to help me he decided in fact he didn't love me any more. As i was made to depart very quickly ive had to make arrangements for somewhere to live so I do need to get the money end of things sorted. Unfortunately we now livw approx 200yards from each other but i am trying to rectify that.

Trojan

Ouch, nasty place to move into, waaay too close.

The "living with the in-laws" thing cannot be overstated - bad move.

My gut feeling (if you're not leaving significant info out) is that you made the right move. He does sound unready, and this rebound stuff just shows that.

Move on and hold your head high

WhiteWashMan

sounds like he doesnt know what he wants, is completely confused and is on a rebound relationship. nothing to do with you.
sounds like you should move on.

Trojan

What a splendid and accurate analysis, young WhiteWash!

e38418

I feel I must have meant very little for him to replace me so quickly

19 months of his life means you must have meant a lot to him.sounds like youre better off without him.once a mammys boy always....
good luck anyhoo

cajun_tiger

been there, hate that can talk wont talk sh!t. really gets to me... but listen 19 months in a year wont seem so long and the best thing for you to do is get two or three girls over some ice-cream ben and jerry style a good few dvd's and a big blanket leave out the drink for a night like this (only makes things worse)

and have a great night in.. no men unless they are gay and no talking of said event. trust me it works.

ps.... get ride of anything of his just for the time being
if he bought you jewlery ect dont wear it, perfume that he liked don't wear it either. hope this works it helped for me hugs n luvs

mad m

It gets better and bearable as time goes on... No matter what other people tell you(not to do this etc)you will probably do oppostie,its a learning curve you will master as time goes by.Pity its near a time when you want to be around loved one's at christmas time...But breaking up anytime is not easy.Your doing the best thing going to a counsellor..

goodluck and best wishes for newyear.

Beruthiel

WhiteWashMan wrote:

sounds like he doesnt know what he wants, is completely confused and is on a rebound relationship. nothing to do with you.
sounds like you should move on.

I could not agree more

Mrs.Babalady - I have also been in some long term relationships which ended - so tips to move on:

find a place to live further away then 200 yards

get your affairs sorted with him and then do not see or contact him again for at least six months (while you are still seeing him you cannot possibly move on and all it does is cause further pain, making the healing process just go on for longer)
in that time, be good to yourself, go out with your friends and enjoy your life - imo you are at the start of the best decade of your life so far, make the most of it woman and become a 30's Goddess!

Mrs.Babalady

I came into work early to see if I had any replies & now i'm sitting here in floods of tears. I'm seeking advice from people i don't know because I don't want to burden my friends anymore. Thank you all so much, just reading your replies has made me feel that other people have felt this despair too & come though it.
I am getting the living situation sorted but it's taking time. We share some of the same friends & knowing they have just accepted his new girlfriend in my old place is very hard to deal with, it's as if i've been cut out of the picture & just another face put in my place, which i suppose is the case really.
I guess i was doing quite well up to now & i feel this news has been a bit of a setback.

Trojan

It's hard to know the story with mutual friends - and that's a messy situation too, they may not be as accepting as you think. Go spend some time with your own friends. And don't worry too much about being upset - you'll recover quicker in the long run.

BolBill

Mrs.Babalady wrote:

I came into work early to see if I had any replies & now i'm sitting here in floods of tears. I'm seeking advice from people i don't know because I don't want to burden my friends anymore. Thank you all so much, just reading your replies has made me feel that other people have felt this despair too & come though it.
I am getting the living situation sorted but it's taking time. We share some of the same friends & knowing they have just accepted his new girlfriend in my old place is very hard to deal with, it's as if i've been cut out of the picture & just another face put in my place, which i suppose is the case really.
I guess i was doing quite well up to now & i feel this news has been a bit of a setback.

The fact you're in work and before 9 is a positive thing in itself. I couldn't even manage to do that when I went through roughly what you are going through. Break ups are never easy when strong feelings are involved and the only thing that will heal you is time, a cliche I know but its bloody true.

Try and take it day by day, keep working (it helps to keep the mind busy on other things)

Mrs.Babalady

Well. it didn't take long to happen. Was walking into my house last night & my ex & his new girlfriend drove by me. Stood rooted to the spot just staring at the car. Didn't know what to do. Almost started to cry & just said to myself " it's over,they're together now" so went in & went to bed. Am quite proud of myself.

tinkerbell

It's good to hear that you're on the road to recovery now, little steps at a time.

ravenhead

Mrs.Babalady wrote:

Well. it didn't take long to happen. Was walking into my house last night & my ex & his new girlfriend drove by me. Stood rooted to the spot just staring at the car. Didn't know what to do. Almost started to cry & just said to myself " it's over,they're together now" so went in & went to bed. Am quite proud of myself.

You should be proud of yourself!! It was the first major step, it's never easy coming face to face like that. You really did well, & for that you deserve to go out at the weekend with the girls & have a bit of a knees up! It'll get better, you'll see. ..... Best of luck!

BolBill

ravenhead wrote:

You should be proud of yourself!! It was the first major step, it's never easy coming face to face like that. You really did well, & for that you deserve to go out at the weekend with the girls & have a bit of a knees up! It'll get better, you'll see. ..... Best of luck!

Totally !!!

And well done !!!!

Mrs.Babalady

Thanks everybody. I'm so glad I found this site & decided to join & post my story.
I know it sounds corny but I feel like I have a much bigger support network now. Like new friends?
Anyway, thanks, it means a lot to me..

Mrs.Babalady

Think i was a bit ahead of myself on my last post.
Spent 3 days of last week in bed crying. Couldn't face work or the outside world. It was unbelievable, didn't want to eat/wash or talk to anybody, i've never been so low before & i couldn't control it. Had to see my gp at the weekend & told him everything, he said i wasn't depressed just re-acting to a situation. Think the lack of sleep has seriously impaired my ability to think & cope in a reasonable manner. Gp gave me sleeping tabs but im so nervous of becoming dependent on substances.
I don't know if it's just the time of year or what, it's four months now since we split up, i'm still receiving my things back in dribs & drabs although i rang him on saturday & said it had to be over once & for all & could he please just do the decent thing & give me all my stuff back (mostly all my photos of us) he asked why i wanted it all,said i was being unfair, i said apart from the fact i OWN it all that it was 19 months of my life & it meant something to me even if it meant nothing to him. When i did receive some of the photos back he had taken all the pictures of me with his new girlfriend together (we were all on holidays earlier this year ) out of the pack. Is he messing with my head or am i over reacting? Think i have to just change how i perceive the whole situation in my head & proceed from there. Sorry for going on, writing it down is getting out of my head.

Beruthiel

4 months is a short time imo to be totally over it
give yourself time
you will have good days and bad days
as time goes on, you will start to have more good than bad and before you know it, they will all be good, another 4-6 months will see you sorted if you keep making the effort to fill your time with things you like to do and surround yourself with friends.

Kell

Mrs.Babalady wrote:

Is he messing with my head or am i over reacting? Think i have to just change how i perceive the whole situation in my head & proceed from there. Sorry for going on, writing it down is getting out of my head.

No your not over reacting. He is being a bastard to you, nothing short of and neither deserves your understanding nor forgiveness. You want your stuff so, either a) go and get it or b) DEMAND it back off him.

I think it would be beneficial for you to adjust your perspective to perceiving him as being a bastard and getting on with that, rather than your perception of the now which seems to be one of lamenting what you've lost.

You cant move on till you have accepted what has happened. I dont underestimate what you are feeling right now, but what you are feeling is trapping you in a quagmire and stopping you from moving on.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

K-

logic1

You were only going out 19months and it's been 4 months and you're still whinging in bed?

Jesus. Suck it up. This is life.

p.s. We're not your friends.

.logic.

pretty-in-pink

logic, don't be such a dick,

If you truly fall in love (and lets face it, she lived with him and his mother for ages, so it must be love) it takes ages to get over it. Its all very well and good to say suck it up, but its hard. Not everyone is strong enough to do it. The O.P came here to look for advice, not abuse.

When your heart is broken it takes a long time to heal. Its more then just an emotional pain, its a physical one to.

To the O.P, seems to me that by keepin the ones of you and her away from you, he is trying to spare your feelings, if it was me I'd be looking at them and torturing myself with questions. Get your money and then work on letting it go. It may take sometime, but it will be worth it. Also try burn your picture s of him save one. Make a list of all the mean things he has done and stick the photo above it, read it nad get him into your head as that jerk who wasted your time. Then go out with the girls, and do all the things you couldn't do as a couple. It seems to me you may have been suffocating eachother, especially with the mother around....

Take care

ShiverinEskimo

Aye, pay no attention to logic, i mean he has the same needs from this forum as you if he browsing the personal issues forum..

I was goin with someone for only 6 months. Thought she was the be all and end all. She dumped me, went with a good friend of mine and job done. see ya later. I took it rough, all i think now though is embarrassment and laughter when i look back..I was the same as you, devastated, wanted to stay in bed and never come out. Facing people and putting on a brave face was just something I didn't have the energy for, my head was flat out day dreaming about times spent with her and trying to run through potential conversations in my head and all that preperation for the next meeting with the person even though it all goes out the window when you actually DO meet them..
Struggle on, don't overdo it in ways like; partying harder to cheer yourself up and flying out with a ton of men for closure..none of that will work, just get some new consistency in your life, get a routine going, dont forget about him, but learn to live with the thoughts of him, you'll probably think of him every day for ages and ages, but each time you do it gets easier. Don't frequent pubs and other places that you know he frequents, just remove yourself from the routine you had with him for a while and you'll be surprised how quickly your head will sort itself out again..
And the best reaction by the way when you run into him, is no reaction. try not to be nice, nasty, small talk, long argument, nothing. be completely neutral or you will just drive yourself crazy going over what you SHOULD have said.

Beruthiel

logic1 wrote:

You were only going out 19months and it's been 4 months and you're still whinging in bed?

Jesus. Suck it up. This is life.

p.s. We're not your friends.

.logic.

logic!
don't be such a meanie
a

logic1

logic, don't be such a dick

I can't help it having such a big one and all.

If you truly fall in love (and lets face it, she lived with him and his mother for ages, so it must be love) it takes ages to get over it.

Oh please, spare me. Firstly it was only 19months, not exactly an eternity. And love is an arbitary term. It exists for everyone differently but I'm of the opinion you only love someone for short periods, then you get sick of their **** and it's time for a change.

Its all very well and good to say suck it up, but its hard.

Everythings hard. Life is hard. Curling up in bed is being spinless. It's hiding from the world and losing. In essence you become a life loser.

Aye, pay no attention to logic, i mean he has the same needs from this forum as you if he browsing the personal issues forum..

Lol afraid not. Not everyone that browses PI has deep rooted emotional or psychological issues to get over but according to your own rationale you obviously do. Glass houses eh?

I was goin with someone for only 6 months. Thought she was the be all and end all. She dumped me, went with a good friend of mine and job done. see ya later. I took it rough

*yawn* I've had dumps that took longer than 6 months. Wait maybe I do have a personal issue after all!

My advice was 100% serious. I went out with someone for 7 years. Lived together for 6 years. Were engaged etc etc then broke up. Lying around in bed did me absolutely no good. Only thing that helps is sucking it up, accepting it's a potentially **** situation that you have to turn into a good one.

You need to take it on and overcome it, master it or let it master you. Your choice.

People can post on here sympathising and saying how they felt the same one time when they're dogs second cousin died but in the end it's meaningless. You're still left alone at night in a cold dark room watching re-runs of MASH until 5am.

So take control. That is all.

.logic.

ShiverinEskimo

logic1 wrote:

My advice was 100% serious. I went out with someone for 7 years. Lived together for 6 years. Were engaged etc etc then broke up. Lying around in bed did me absolutely no good.

So you were lying about then? Strange how you don't understand other people doing it.

[

logic1 wrote:

You need to take it on and overcome it, master it or let it master you. Your choice.

My choice? oh so we can choose not to feel bad yea? oh right, next time I lose someone close to me, sure i'll just decide not to be sad and have a party. great.

logic1 wrote:

People can post on here sympathising and saying how they felt the same one time when they're dogs second cousin died but in the end it's meaningless. You're still left alone at night in a cold dark room watching re-runs of MASH until 5am.

The whole point of this forum is to gather other's opinions and experience in order to better your situation. WHy bother browsing the personal issues section and replying if your only going to insult them? I mean if all this is so below you then why grace us with your presence? isn't there a hospital somewhere looking for someone to dish out the bad news.

logic1 wrote:

So take control. That is all.

.logic.

See my answer to 'deciding' not to be sad.

I wonder if you will look to other people the next time you lose someone close to you. (assuming you have anyone close to you - your girlfriend/fiancee or whatever obviously had enough of you)

logic1

ShiverinEskimo wrote:

So you were lying about then? Strange how you don't understand other people doing it.

Maybe I should have rephrased - "Lying around in Bed would have done me absolutely no good"

My choice? oh so we can choose not to feel bad yea? oh right, next time I lose someone close to me, sure i'll just decide not to be sad and have a party. great.

Now now we both know you're making an unsuccesful attempt to troll my post. Maybe when you're around a little longer you'll get better. I never said she has a choice of feeling bad or not. But sitting in bed dwelling on it does no one any good. Next time you lose someone they'll probably be having the party though.

The whole point of this forum is to gather other's opinions and experience in order to better your situation.

No that's your interpretation of the point of this forum. I enjoy browsing it for time to time but I can't say I ever felt the need to post a personal issue on it.

WHy bother browsing the personal issues section and replying if your only going to insult them?

Will you ever learn. To insinuate I only insulted them would be to say I gave no advice when infact I did. I gave advice according to how I see the situation. But now you've come along and totally taken the thread away from the users problem and used it as a vehicle to launch a pretty pathetic attack against myself in which you'll lose and I will win as usual. Hence you have done far more damage to the thread than I have. I mean if you like me enough to dedicate so much time to me you could have just used PM. I get those all the time from dedicated fans.

I mean if all this is so below you then why grace us with your presence?

Yet another pointless assumption. Was this meant to hurt my feelings? A vicious dig I must admit.

isn't there a hospital somewhere looking for someone to dish out the bad news.

*boggle* Amazing analogy Einstein.

See my answer to 'deciding' not to be sad.

I did, it was poorly thought out contrite rubbish.

I wonder if you will look to other people the next time you lose someone close to you.

I didn't last time so I doubt I will if there is a next time.

(assuming you have anyone close to you - your girlfriend/fiancee or whatever obviously had enough of you)

Aww that's cold. Haven't you just become the very thing you're trying to berate? If you feel the need to insult people on the PI board why post here, friend?

*kisses*

.logic.

ShiverinEskimo

logic1 wrote:

Maybe I should have rephrased - "Lying around in Bed would have done me absolutely no good"

Phrase things better then.

logic1 wrote:

I never said she has a choice of feeling bad or not. But sitting in bed dwelling on it does no one any good.

"get out of bed" isn't that simple.

logic1 wrote:

Next time you lose someone they'll probably be having the party though.

"Was this meant to hurt my feelings? A vicious dig I must admit."

logic1 wrote:

No that's your interpretation of the point of this forum. I enjoy browsing it for time to time but I can't say I ever felt the need to post a personal issue on it.

Yet you feel the need to punish others who do.

logic1 wrote:

Will you ever learn. To insinuate I only insulted them would be to say I gave no advice when infact I did. I gave advice according to how I see the situation. But now you've come along and totally taken the thread away from the users problem and used it as a vehicle to launch a pretty pathetic attack against myself in which you'll lose and I will win as usual. Hence you have done far more damage to the thread than I have. I mean if you like me enough to dedicate so much time to me you could have just used PM. I get those all the time from dedicated fans.

the advice i can take. but i fail to see how "P.S. we're not your friends" is advice.

logic1 wrote:

Aww that's cold. Haven't you just become the very thing you're trying to berate? If you feel the need to insult people on the PI board why post here, friend?

Ditto.

neuro-praxis

Contrite rubbish?

That's a new one.

Beruthiel

quit trolling the lot of ye and get back to commenting on the thread starter! :mad:
B