Unconsumatted affair between friend and girlfriend

LegacyUser

This has all come to light over the last few days and it is really driving me crazy.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years (we're both in our twenties). Recently I was getting a bit annoyed because she and my friend (let's call him Keith) had been spending a good bit of time in each other's company (they are working on a small bit on a project together) and even when we were all together I felt slightly excluded at times. Now I put all this down to paranoia and me being jealous so I said nothing.

My girlfriend and I live in different countries and so we don't see each other very often. I came to visit her recently where she is and had being getting more and more uncomfortable and the whole her and Keith thing. Something wasn't right so I finally came right out and asked her about it. She at first denied and then admitted that they had kissed once last time she was home. She swore it was he who had kissed her and it had been brief and there was nothing else. She said he had e-mailed her twice since and that the emails had been of the 'we made a mistake - let's forget about it' variety.

I was annoyed but relieved to finally know. However when using her computer I was reading through some of her work stuff (which she had asked me to do) and I opened a file which I believed to be work and was in fact a saved email from him. It was definitely not of the 'we made a mistake - let's forget about it' variety. In fact I have never in my life read such an eloquent, heartfelt letter in my whole life. Indeed she has never received anything of the sort from me, although I have written her letters.

Now the email also contained a lot of guilt and it was obvious my friend is torn up about what happened. I confronted my girlfriend about it and she tried to downplay it. She has stated that she has picked me over him (which is true) and that she loves me (which I don't doubt).

However I now suspect hugely that her emails back to him were of the same variety. Probably laden with guilt but also filled with excitement and the spinning headiness of a new relationship.

I feel really gutted about all of this. These are two people that I care about deeply and I feel betrayed by them.

I'm not breaking up with her - I honestly believe that we are supposed to be together. I'm just afraid that even though they won't see each other any more that there'll always be this simmering tension under the surface. If I had never asked her about it and never found the email I can only imagine how that tension would manifest itself.

I am really uncomfortable with somebody else having that kind of dizzying exciting effect on the girl I love.

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

pretty-in-pink

Thats rough, poor pet.
I had something similar- my fella developed a crush on another girl, and it got way big. so big that he said given the choice between a night of sex with me or one with her, he'd probably choose her.

Now she didn't return his feelings, and she is a lovely girl, funniest bit was when she told him that he was being an ass and that basicly he didn't deserve a girlfriend like me, cause i obviously loved him to much and he didn't appreciate me enough. She also said there were a lot of guys(though i think she was just being nice there ) that would love to spend one night with me, let alone every nght. That if couldn't see that I was sexy and funny, sweet and pretty that he was blind and deserved all the pain he got.

Like you though, I stuck with him, he got over his crush and felt really guilty for the things he did and said(good news is, we are still together. I'd be there for your girlfriend, but i'd talk to her. She needs to know how you feel. Its a horrible place to be, if you wanna talk about it you can p.m me. hugs and stuff. feel better.

Chinafoot

well to be honest if it was me i dont think i'd be so forgiving, but as im not in your situation i cant say whether you should break up or not. you've already stated that you plan to stay with her so i would suggest you talk everything out so that theres no doubt in your mind, theres nothing worse than being with someone and having that niggling doubt at the back of your mind, especially with her being so far away from you.

oh and one more thing........did you kick your "friend's" arse? i certainly would have. that was seriously bad form, on both their parts.

WhiteWashMan

not exactly a similar situation, but i think its good that you havent just kicked your missus into touch.

sometimes people do crazy things in a moment of madness. it happens to us all. we decide to get ona jet to rome after a night on the beer, we decide to spend the night with some person we just met, we kiss someone that we work closely with because we get our feelings mixed up.

i think the thing here is that you both live in different countries, dont see each other that much, and thats hard. i tried it for almost a year. you know yourself how hard it can be to continue to be with someone in spirit and not in body for long periods of time, to continue to live a taken life when you dont get any of the benefits of having a partner with you. at the same time, i feel you partner will also feel these, and occassionaly, situations will present themselves. it doesnt matter how good we behave, how much we try and extract ourselves from situations where we may be tempted, there will always be a test of one kind or another.
and if we are feeling low, you never know, we just may take one, in a fit of madness.
i dont think this is a reflection on you, or your partner, or even on the 3rd party. i think its just a sympton of loneliness and the bodies natrual desire.
your partner still claims she loves you. whether she does or not, we cant tell, but i have to admit, if she wanted a get out clause, shes got one right there. if she really wanted rid of you, hey, never a better time to initiate it. so i think she probably does want to still be with you. and you obviously want to be with her.
as for her not telling you about it, well, if there isnt anything to tell, im a big believer in not telling. its not that i disrespect my partner, but if there is nothing there to tell, then why would you put them and yourself unser that strain. of course, if i was kissing someone, id tell her straight up, because i also believe that an open and honest relationship is the key to a long and happy life. so you have to draw the balance. if someone gave me a smack on the lips and wrote me a letter declaring their love for me, i think id probably burn the letter and forget the whole thing. but becuase she lives in another country, anysort of uncertainty at all is going to be blown out of proportion because you will just sit and think about what has happened, and suddenly, her going to the pub, in your mind, will end up with her being gang banged on the pool table for money. erm, or maybe thats just me!

anyway, she has picked you. she says she has picked you. she says she loves you. and if you start to doubt her honesty, then you probably dont want to be going out with them, becuase you will never be happy.

Zulu

Well you're a bigger man than me.

I wouldn't ever be able to keep both of them. More than likly I'd lose the girlfriend and the mate, but the mate would have to go.

...that's just me though - just do whats right for you buddy, sorry, I know that's not much good.

Trojan

Get rid of the distance problem, it's a killer. Do whatever you have to do to make it local.

Kingp35

distance aint the problem I have been in a long distance relationship with no problems.

If it was me i wouldnt be able to trust the girl anymore coz it would always be on my mind and as you said there will always be tension. Thats no way to live your life. As for the friend he would def have to go. No friend would do taht behind your back no way.

So basically no matter how much it hurts things will never be the same between u 3 so best to let it all go and start a fresh my friend.

PiE

Personally I'd demand that he let me kick him square in the nuts, then we'd be cool.

Trojan

Kingp35 wrote:

distance aint the problem I have been in a long distance relationship with no problems.

(emphasis mine)

I simply don't believe that's possible.

kaimera

I gotta agree with trojan. as much as you try, the distance does become a factor after a while.
i'm coming up on 3 years with my g/f in a long distance relationship.

for the most part, it's great...but there are times when it gets uneasy. Just gotta bare it on the chin and press on with it if you believe in the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the words.

Not sure if the distance thing played a factor as this only happened when she came back home and she had spent the night previous with me.

It's all still up in the air to be honest.

And no - I have not kicked anyone's ass.

Quigs Snr

You are a brave man. If it was me, I would have flown or swam to this other country if there were no planes available to beat that guy into a heaving pile of blood and snot.

Distance will be a problem, I have experience of that, bitter experience. Bottom line is you will find it hard to last another 3 years unless that changes. She may only go so far with this guy, she might go further with the next, as for this guy, he isn't your friend. At least she admitted it, he hasn't as far as I can tell.

Good luck with it anyway, hope it works out for you, seems like a really tough situation, I respect and admire the way you have held yourself together during it.

You do know though that even if you trust that this thing is over, that the next time she mentions another really nice guy, you are going to start getting paranoid and panic attacks. It will happen, if you think you can handle it and she is worth it, then let no-one here tell you different. Personally I would not be capable of that, but then again I have been burned before. Everyone is different.

pickarooney

If you believe you're meant to be together, why aren't you (physically)? When are you planning on living in the same country as her?

LegacyUser

You are dealing with this a hell of a lot better than I would.

This is my worse nightmare. It has not happened. But if it did, man i would do something nuts.

Tommy Vercetti

Your girlfriend is a lying cheat, and your friend is a lying cheat. Grow some balls, tell her to get lost and crack your (soon to be former) friends' head open. You'll feel a lot better, trust me. Why are you trying to make everything so complicated? It's all there in black and white.

LegacyUser

Tommy Vercetti wrote:

Your girlfriend is a lying cheat, and your friend is a lying cheat. Grow some balls, tell her to get lost and crack your (soon to be former) friends' head open. You'll feel a lot better, trust me. Why are you trying to make everything so complicated? It's all there in black and white.

Eh. Sorry but things are never so black and white when you're dealing with *adult* relationships. Things like this can be worked through and just jumping off and starting to **** people out of it without trying to work through things is an immature way to handles things IMHO.

Anyway - I'm still working on all of this and seeing whether our relationship will work out. I'll have to see how things go.

LegacyUser

Cracking someones head open will just land you in prison. Do not do that.

ShiverinEskimo

Happened to me, except in my case they buggered off, resented me, spent about 3/4 months together, broke up (on his birthday - evil) and me and my mate became friends again and haven't really spoken to her since. (although about six months after they broke up, i ended up with one of her friends, still with her now after 3 years - things worked out!)

I did the whole angry thing aswell, wanted to kick my mates head in. In the end though I felt sorry for him because he was gutted when they broke up and I guess I could relate to him, even if it was the weirdest thing to me that I should console him, but I kinda did. I answered his questions about her and generally spent time with him after they broke up without ever going into details. Neither of us has spoken to her much since and both of us are now with other women on a long term basis.

The best thing I did while they were together was stop giving a damn (or at least pretended to) once I stopped caring I guess part of the excitement of doing something wrong leaves - this is all assumption though, they broke up and I never found out the reason why..to be honest, at the time I didn't want to know because I was still trying to work out why she left me...Tis all water under the bridge now - thank God - life moved on and dragged me with it in the end.

I don't envy what your going through, at least she seems to have picked you for now..go with that and stay positive..be ready to take a hit though - the more prepared you are to hear bad news, the less effect it will have on you.