When it comes to actually breaking up ...

LegacyUser

I had been on here a couple of months ago, asking advise about how I would tell my girlfriend of 9 years that I no longer loved her (rather than go in to al that again, see http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=192032 for more).

Anyway, after I told her she first went defensive, avoiding me completely. After a few days she moved on to a serious mode of denial, telling me that I had problems to sort out, that the relationship was perfect in her view and that she couldn’t see where I was coming from at all. Having said all this she was not prepared at any point to actually discuss the ‘phantom problem’. After a third week of me saying ‘we have to talk’ and she saying ‘about what, there are no problems’, she finally relented – this was now almost a month after I first mentioned the problem.

I then went through in as clear a way as I could how I felt – that I didn’t think I loved her, that the fantastic relationship we once had had gone, and that I had been denying / suppressing these feelings for a few years, but that the feelings had become more intense / regular and that I was now not sure what (if anything) there was left in the relationship.

After a lot of tears she finally accepted that even if she couldn’t see it that I had a serious and real problem. She decided there and then to leave me and go home to her parents. My feelings about this took me by surprise – I guess it hit home just what was going on. I did also feel though that it may be for the best, and so let her go.

That evening she came home without reaching her parents and said she wanted to ‘try again’. She said that she still loved me as much as ever and she wanted to do everything she could to save our relationship. We agreed to book a week away and see what could be done. Five days in Paris followed. While we had a ‘good’ time (like you do on holiday) we still managed to fight every day over small issues and it was clear that things were still very tender beneath the surface.

After our return I had hoped that we could deal with the problems. To be fair to her, she did try doing some of the things I suggested – though without any real success. After a week or two we were quickly back to the status quo – just as before. Since that time we haven’t been able to pass a civil word, and even small talk / daily niceties have all disappeared. When I try to broach the subject of our relationship the latest response is ‘I couldn’t care less about the relationship, you do what you want’.

Now I admit to being a little uncertain about the ‘trying again’. I did feel (perhaps incorrectly) that I needed to be convinced again of our love, and I had expected something of an effort. I think that was part of the solution – not just that she would act like the relationship was saveable, but some kind of evidence to show she felt it was something worth fighting for.

Speaking to a friend over the last few weeks, I feel the situation is ‘the relationship is over, but it won’t end until she accepts it to be’. I knew that day she came back that if we are ever to break up then I must be the one to leave. Having ‘tried’ now for six weeks with things just getting worse, and with no motivation on either side to stop the rot I am convinced the relationship will now end. And this is what I am preparing to do this weekend.

There is no time that is right for a break-up, but I know that Christmas week is too close, and that (knowing her thinking patterns), a break up early in the New Year would lead her to write the whole year off as ‘bad luck’ – whereas she might well take the New Year as a new start if the relationship has been broken before then.

So that is where I am at. I am not good at this breaking up thing (you could say that after nine years I am a long time out of practice). Going through the motions in my head makes me feel physically ill – the idea of ‘packing’, moving to someones spare room (when I have lived in my own place for so long), depending on that person, not knowing how long I will need to stay, where I will end up in six months time, etc. Then there is the whole question of the house and who buys the other out; the closing / cancelling of credit cards, bank cards, joint accounts, loans, mortgages, etc. It is all so messy.

So can anyone help?

How do I tell her this weekend? How long do I wait before seeing her again to discuss sorting out the house, etc? What must I try to avoid if this is to work out best for both of us?

Apologies for the long post, but it is therapy of sorts!

logic1

WantsHelp wrote:

So can anyone help?

How do I tell her this weekend? How long do I wait before seeing her again to discuss sorting out the house, etc? What must I try to avoid if this is to work out best for both of us?

Apologies for the long post, but it is therapy of sorts!

I came out of a 6/7 year relationship at the start of this year. Best thing ever happened to me tbh but that's besides the point, I had many of the same issues you do.

We were renting a house so that wasn't an issue and always kept our money seperate but I know from how the relationship evolved after the breakup that it's pertinent you get everything dealt with as soon as possible.

If I was in your position I'd visit a solicitor asap with regards the house. I'd find out exactly what the story is with splitting it, selling it whatever and get it all written down.

When you break the news to her this weekend go through everything. She'll be emotional and I've found at this point in time you might want to give her a certain leeway and give her more than she deserves with regards collateral.

Don't do this. Take absolutely everything you're due. If you're lucky she'll be leniant and let you take a little more. Make sure ye agree on this and then move to execute the financial side of things as soon as you can after the breakup because invariably after you leave her she'll start to resent you and try to make it as difficult as possible for you to claim your share.

Also I'd start cancelling cards, bank accounts etc.. the day after you break up. Get it all sorted out as soon as you can.

9 years is a long time and you're going to feel lost for a few months but it all works out in the end.

.logic.

LegacyUser

cheers logic1.

To be honest, I had not given any of the legal / rights / entitlements thing any real thought. All I know is that staying put at the minute will resolve nothing, and that it has to be me to go.

Given the lack of mutuality, I feel like I owe her some time to get her head around everything, especially over Christmas. If she doesn't even accept the break-up then it makes it difficult to agree splitting assets, etc. I was thinking of telling her:

1. I am leaving because things aren't right, and haven't been
2. Even when we said we'd try to fix them, we couldn't
3. I am staying with a friend until we decide together what to do with the house, etc
4. I want to meet with her in the new year to agree what to do next.
5. I will tell her that everything will be sorted out fairly, and quickly

Re-reading the above, it looks like I have it all worked out. But the reality is I have a knot in my stomach and a persistent sense of gloom. I really wish I did not have to deal with any of this. Oh, that I could travel forward in time a few months ...

Sleepy

I don't really have anything to add to the advice logic just gave above. Just want to wish you luck and say that I hope everything goes as smoothly for you as it can.

Chinafoot

know a guy in a similar situation, but unfortunately he feels that "it'll be better once we get married" :rolleyes: hes miserable so i'd say stick to your guns.

all i will say is, even though she seems to be in major denial about this, go easy on her. break ups are never easy, even when they are mutual, but its even worse when you still feel the same for your partner but they dont love you the same way anymore.

as for the house, i'd say give it a few days after the break-up before approaching the subject with her....but during those few days see a solicitor and find out all the options for you both. although you have discussed this with her before and although she is most likely well-aware that things are going to end, she will still need some time to sort out her feelings before even thinking about the practicalities, and if you start talking straight away about the money, the house, etc she'll probably see it as you trying to cut her out of your life straight away. i understand that, like logic said, you need to get the financial aspect sorted as soon as possible, but give her a few days to process all the changes that will be happening. you have to bear in mind that while you have been pretty much sure of the breakup for a while now, she hasnt, and she wont be as prepared emtionally as you are.

oh and as for logics statement:
"She'll be emotional and I've found at this point in time you might want to give her a certain leeway and give her more than she deserves with regards collateral. Don't do this. Take absolutely everything you're due. If you're lucky she'll be leniant and let you take a little more."
*cough*hypocritical*cough*

break-ups get messy, especially where money is concerned so play nice and take no more and no less than you are entitled too.

good luck with it all.
S

logic1

peachypants wrote:

oh and as for logics statement:
"She'll be emotional and I've found at this point in time you might want to give her a certain leeway and give her more than she deserves with regards collateral. Don't do this. Take absolutely everything you're due. If you're lucky she'll be leniant and let you take a little more."
*cough*hypocritical*cough*

break-ups get messy, especially where money is concerned so play nice and take no more and no less than you are entitled too.

good luck with it all.
S

Not hypocritical at all, and you should get that cough looked at. There's money involved here so get what you can while you can. You'll be happier later when you look back.

.logic.

WhiteWashMan

what sort of fool breaks up with his girlfriend because he thinks he doesnt love her, and then goes back for seconds?

jesus, if youre going to break up, break up, stop dragging it out. you are only making life more miserable for her. and now you went on a holiay?
man, you need your head examined.

you dont know what you want do you?

Sleepy

Oh, one thing I would advise, if you've been paying the majority of the mortgage and she offers to move out, let her. You'll come out as the bad guy "selling the house out from under her" otherwise...

I am MAN

Havent got enough experience in life to contribute but I know how hard breakups are and would just like to say goodluck also.

Oryx

What comes across to me is that you are desperately unhappy, you dont love her, and you want to move on. But because you once did love her, the last thing you want to do is hurt her. But you have to. Trying to spare her feelings is only making this worse for both of you. Break up now, be really honest, and she will recover and get on with her life in time. You cannot be responsible for how she feels and long term, youre doing her the best favour you could.

impr0v

Keep in mind that once everything settles down afterwards and it's taking you a while to meet someone else, everything about this relationship will slowly start to seem better than it actually was, and you will more than likely be tempted to try again. Make sure to remember all the problems you can list off now and resist that temptation.

MickFarr

I know what it feels like. Me and my ex just split up on Tuesday after 7 years. I thought it was what I wanted and after putting the phone down I was feeling better already!

Then when I started to think about the past I could only think of the good times. Any bad times seemed to have just disappeared. I then started missing her alot and thought about getting back with her.

I rang her and talked to her, I was in tears. She knew it was pointless and pretty much told me that on the phone. Deep down I know this is the right thing to do. I still love her and always will.

Just remember that when you do break up your head is going to start playing games with you/her. Its a very emotional time and the pain and guilt feelings will be almost unbearable. It makes you want to get back together just so the pain goes away but you'll quickly start having those same thoughts.

Don't worry about the timing, there will never be a good time to break up and I'm sort of glad that it has happened to me at this time of the year. Think of all the parties coming up and the New Year is a great time to look to the future.

Even though I'm starting to feel better the pain is still here and food is hard to eat. I hope you do what’s best for you and remember the pain for both of you will fade.

athena 2000

Break ups are so hard, I sympathize with you (and MickFarr). You'll feel better sooner than you think, espcially if you do treat her the same way you'd like to be treated in this situation. Concerning money, I'm sure you'll be fair, but you should take precautions to protect your credit. It's really the wise thing to do during an emotional time. Don't drag this out for both your sakes. Good luck with everything.

LegacyUser

Thanks all, especially Mick - your advice rings true. To give you an update ... even though we live together, our paths over the weekend didn't cross all that much. On Saturday evening I asked if we could talk and she agreed. I told her my plans to leave the next day and she said 'Fine, this relationship is over, anyway.' She then said that as she couldn't afford to buy me out of the house and since she wasn't going to leave then I would have to keep on sharing the expenses of the house after I was gone. I tried to talk sense to her but it ended in another row, and she locked herself away in the bedroom.

On Sunday we had more sniping and not much more. She went away for the night, to her parents. Then last night I tried talking again, this time beginning with a reassurance that I wasn't out to 'get her' or to kick her out of her home, and that I wanted to sort something out that she could afford and that wasn't unfair to me. That's when the conversation became very different. She told me that I 'couldn't' leave her, that she wasn't going to 'just give up' on 9 years, that she still loved me as much as ever and that I was simply being ridiculous. She also said of the continuing fighting that has been going on since July that it was only a small thing, and that if we both wanted it, then we could fix things. I know though, that we can't - neither of us bothered last time, I really can't see that changing if we were to 'try again'.

The thing is, I am fairly sure that things can't be fixed. Even though she got pretty upset, none of the emotion seemed to get to me (and that surprised me, I am normally quite sensitive to her feelings), and I was able to say genuinely 'I don't love you anymore'. After a few minutes of this discussion she locked herself away again, and this is where it stands.

So this evening, assuming she is at home (works shfts, and I am not sure of her schedule) I am going to leave. There is going to be more tears shed and more arguments, but I think now that I am doing the right thing. I feel like I need some more closure, though - another chance to explain things, to discuss stuff, and so on - or maybe I am naïve to think so.

Oryx

God love you, this girl is in serious denial. Could her parents help in this? If you can make them understand that you mean this, maybe they can make her understand? I know you wont be their favourite person, but hey, theres no escaping that. I think you need help from outside the two of you anyway.

ven0m

Sounds like an aweful situation for both of you to be in.... my ex came out of a 7 year relationship & I was the first person she dated after it (even though it was like 9 months after her last relationship ended) & it was what caused ours to fall apart.... this is gonna hurt both of you for a while, & there'll be no easy fixes, or will to jump back in to seeing someone ....

Best thing you both can do is try do things that make you happy, re-discover who you both are as individuals & try move forward to start what is blatently a new life for each of you.... there's little you can do to stop her from being upset about it - for her it is gonna suck alot!

Life has to move forward, even though sometimes as people we can't help living in the past or the good times before sh*t happens! Just make sure you look after yourself mate!!!


::: ven0mous :::