Let friend down gently

P4545P

My very close male friend of several years has recently asked me if I would consider going on a date with him. I feel awful because I love him dearly but strictly platonically. We are very different people, we get on great as friends, we have lots to talk about and respect each other, have each others back etc but im very outgoing, I love parties, nights out, travelling where as he's a homebody who leaves the house once or twice a month. The last time he left his house we met up as he wanted to go to Marks and Spencers to buy some slippers, this was a day out for him but living a life like that for me would feel like being slowly buried alive. Im very much focused on progressing my career, he doesnt have a job and ive never known him to have one, ive no problem with friends not working and im very independent but I couldnt tolerate that in a partner, not as a lifestyle choice. Im not physically attracted to him, I give allot of my energy to self development and that includes physically, he doesnt look after his appearance, he hasnt cut his hair in several months, he does no exercise and lives on ready meals. I love him platonically, he's kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny and a really lovely person but can also be contrarian which drives me up the walls, especially when its over something he's no knowledge in. So clearly we are not compatible romantically or sexually but how do tell him while ensuring our friendship stays intact.

RurtBeynolds

Well whatever you do don't tell him any of what you've said about him here.

Just say that you don't think of him that way. He has romantic feelings for you, and there's a good chance he probably always has, that's not gonna change no matter how you reject him. You should be prepared to keep your distance.

Pat734

Don't take this the wrong way OP, but, are you gay?

road_high

I’d be direct but in a non asshole way- no need for any putdowns or judgements- just that you’re not interested in him in that way and just want to be friends only. No room for ambiguity

tea and coffee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123848228#Comment_123848228

This could have been written by a woman, you know!

OP, it's a tricky one. No matter what you say he may be very disappointed and may pull away . Not that that is any reason to go out with him!

I'd just be honest and say you love him as a friend, would love for the friendship to continue but be very clear, no ambiguity that you have no romantic feelings for him. That can be done gently but firmly

BorneTobyWilde

You need to laugh it off, mention it, joke about it, talk of it humorously. Don't get all serious about it, make fun of you two as an imaginary couple.

user060916

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123848605#Comment_123848605

I personally think that's an awful approach.

1 - if you do that without actually saying no, he might very well keep the idea alive in head

2 - if you say no, and laughing about it, it's extremely disrespectful. Basically laughing that he ever thought it was a possibility

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like you are his only outlet. If he hasn't any other hobbies or interests it's understandable that he looks to you as an option for a relationship. You're all he knows. I think you should encourage him to make more of an effort to get out and about. Join a club. Clean himself up a bit. It sounds like he is stuck in a rut.

How did you meet? How has your friendship progressed if you are both so different and he doesn't work or socialise? Has he others in his life?

You obviously need to turn him down (without mentioning any of the above). Tell him you see him as a good friend but not as a partner. Don't then jump straight into setting him up with someone else but over the next few weeks suggest a hobby he might be interested in. He's not your responsibility. He's an adult after all. But it does sound very like he is lonely. If he could be encouraged to try something different he might be less like to focus his attention solely on you.

Rock Steady Edy

I always think it's better to be straight with people. Tell him why you like him as a friend and give him enough reasons why it's never going to work with him.

When this has happened to me in my younger days, whilst it might hurt a bit at the time, it builds resilience and gives you some concrete things to self-improve. If everyone dances around you, you learn nothing.

89897

Similar to this I had a friend ask me out. He was good friend but we wouldnt have been compatable and I had no romantic inclination towards him at all. I just told him I just didnt think it was a good idea and we were better in each others lives as friends. He thankfully graciously accepted that and we remainds friends.

JayRoc

I've no advice to give, OP, but just to say I have seen very close/best friends salvage their friendship after something like this so don't lose heart.

Just let him down gently.

Hannibal_Smith

how do tell him while ensuring our friendship stays intact.

I love him dearly but strictly platonically

You've answered your own question. Maybe phrase it as care rather than love and tell him you care for him dearly but only platonically.

circadian

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123848605#Comment_123848605

Don't do this. This is an awful idea and invalidates his feelings. As other have said, be clear that you aren't interested in a romantic way, don't make light of something that was most likely difficult for him to muster up the courage to do.

thenuisance

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123849359#Comment_123849359

Having been on both sides of this kind of situation over the years this is the best approach. I think the person sounds a little vulnerable and I get the feeling that you worry about what the consequences of saying that you aren't interested in a romantic relationship might mean. I'd emphasise that you will always be there for him as a friend and that if he ever needs any help he can contact you. I certainly wouldn't joke about it nor would I hold out any hope of a future romance. And keep going with the activities that you have always done together.