What do I do next? I don't know

throw_away2025

Apologies in advance this will more than likely be a long post and wont make much sense.

I have been mulling over where to post this or if its even worth it but anyway here it goes.

All my life I have had problems with myself, my state of mind, who I am and how I feel about the world and what effect it is having on my life and the people around me.

I am a very dark person its not always obvious to everyone as I love to laugh and joke and can be very outgoing when it suits me but deep down I exist with this horrible feeling of darkness and anger towards so much around me. Everyday from the moment I leave the house to go to work I find it hard to be around people even look at people. I would go as far as saying I hate the vast majority of people out there around me.

Unless someone makes some kind of impression on me I find it hard to care about them. Don't get me wrong I love and care about my close family and best friends but everyone else just bothers me. I am lucky in the sense i love my job and the majority of people i am around every day are decent nice people but even then i find some days i struggle to deal with certain people especially one or two that are very full on.

The way I feel about people and the world around me has become much worse the older I have gotten and I honestly don't know what kind of life I would have if it wasn't for my wife and kids.

There have been a few very big moments in my life in recent years that led me to feel like I need to do something, something has to change here. I've done my best and made a few changes but its basically meant the vast majority of my life now consists of getting up going to work coming home getting ready having dinner and going to bed.

I don't get up to much at the weekend as everything is so expensive now and its nice to have at least one day to just do my own thing. I usually just look forward to having a drink at home watching a bit of sport or doing something with family.

Obviously I have two young kids and wife so when I'm off for a bit we try and make the most of it and I do really love spending time with them and some of my family. There all that makes my life worth while at times but its still hard I have had to cut myself off from so many social things because I don't want to be around people and don't want to make things difficult for the people I care about.

My youngest has Autism and its made me wonder more and more do I have something that hasn't been diagnosed? I've looked into different mental health conditions online and there's so much stuff that I relate to yet I don't really know if that's me exactly.

I've tried counselling more then once before but after a while it feels like its a waste of money as its just me talking away and getting nothing back.

The taught of having to take time off work and go to a GP just to pay 65 euro to be told **** all that helps me feels like a total waste of my time.

So basically I have only shown the tip of the iceberg to how I feel and act and the various issues in my life over the years in this post.

I could go on and on here but I guess I am just wondering really what can I do?

I feel like every time I start bringing these things up to family or friends its either not really taken seriously or it comes back to something I am doing wrong and its no longer about what I can do to help myself but more what I should do to help someone else!

I work really hard at my job harder then I need to. I love my family and friends I really do my best for them but I feel like I have to work so hard and hold back so much on a daily basis to try and be a good person. If people knew what was going through my head at any one moment I have no idea what they would think. I would probably be locked up somewhere!

tea and coffee

It isn't clear if you're just an introvert/misanthrope (both of which are totally fine btw) or just unhappy with life which is making you peed off with the world.

I know you said Dr is expensive but it is a good first step for meds or for a referral

JM2300

Before you mentioned autism that was my first thought. You might want speak with a psychiatrist. I'd also suggest reading the Power of Now and the work of Carl Jung. I think Acceptance is going to be key for you. Don't judge your thoughts, they aren't you, they're just something your body produces like sweat. Observe them, be amused with them, but don't identify with them. Let go of the guilt, Carl Jung discusses this and the shadow. Most people have strange thoughts that they repress.

CPTM

Hi Op.. Just FYI it’s not that unusual to feel anger, cynicism, or disconnection from people. That doesn’t automatically make you a “bad person” or dangerous or anything. The fact that you’re holding it back and trying to do right by your family shows your true values and what you care about. What might help is finding safe places to let some of it out, be it therapy, writing, creative outlets, or peer support groups.

To me you don't sound like someone who needs locked up. You just sound like someone who has been grinding away at something for a long time and has drifted away from whatever it is that brings them joy.

I would highly recommend to keep going with the professionals. Maybe look at it from different angles. Get bloods done to measure key hormones to make sure the balance is right.

Aside from working with professionals, try to get back to the basics that seem to work for almost all humans - balanced diet, good sleep, exercise, resistance weight lifting if you can, turn off technology. Try to build some habits around creating joy and start small. You don't have to be totally different from day one. Small moments here and there can build up when you prioritise it.

Also, just as a father of two, can I just say it is incredibly hard, those early years. Aside from anything, just having energy is very difficult. Make sure you're still making time for you.

Tell me how

OP, there is no quick fix, either with respect to understanding what exactly it is your issues are or how to deal with them. I'm not saying that in a negative way but rather just letting you know that that is the reality and it may help to hear that if you can accept it. It's not just you, this is the case for lot's of people.

Personal mental health issues are usually quite complex, particularly when not related to a specific impactful or traumatic event and even in those cases, it can still be difficult to understand our thoughts and behaviours around the event because those thoughts and behaviours are massively influenced by our personalities and prior life experiences and it can be difficult, close to impossible, to directly explain why we are bothered about something or react in a specific way.

Therapy is, or can be, very beneficial. But it takes a lot of work. It can even take work to find yourself in the right room with the right therapist because working closely with someone is a pretty intimate relationship and so your styles and personalities must click. I know that is probably not what you want to hear, but that is a reality that a lot of people don't expect, and can get frustrated by. The second thing to keep in mind with respect to therapy is that is very rare for a therapist to give you a definitive answer, their skill and purpose is mostly to help the patient to seem things more clearly from their own perspective. It is very different from the image that is portrayed on television in a lot of instances.

But, as I said, therapy can be very beneficial. It can help identify patterns or route causes for thoughts and behaviours and from there we can help overcome ways in which they make life difficult for us. It just takes time and effort and a willingness to devote that time (and cost). I would recommend it as a first resort for most people over meds but that is me saying that as a 100% non-medically qualified person. I have extensive experience of both meds and therapy, but that is my experience and is just one opinion.

All I would say to you is to be open to it taking effort to get to a place where the issues you mention are not bothering you so much. There are medical professions such as your Dr who can advise you specifically on what steps to maybe take, just know that it is a journey that can be worth having made that effort.

throw_away2025

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. The last time I went to therapy a year or so ago I went into it really motivated to get somewhere. Don't get me wrong the woman was really nice but again like most things in Ireland the fact so much money was being invested into it I kind of felt like I wasn't getting enough from it. Sometimes its nice to talk and get everything out but I think I got to a point where I was about to start opening up about things I wasn't sure she was ready for. I was doing all the talking and I didn't feel like she was giving me back much there was one or two things she said about my mother that made me think but that's a long story!

From learning about Autism and my child's situation more I know there are so many different types and not everyone who has it is exactly the same. I have had people tell me I was on the spectrum before mainly as an insult actually on here a few times ha. I get it to a degree because even though I really do care about a small number of people in my life I really do lack empathy towards the vast majority of people and that is putting it lightly.

I want to change but yet I don't if that makes sense. I don't like being taken advantage of or people getting one over on me so I feel like sometimes being a ''****'' gives me an edge in life.

Hannibal_Smith

I think the stuff you're saying is how a lot of people feel. In fact I was reading your post and thought, did I post this and forget?? And it was only recently a friend was talking to me who's in a bit of a slump and they said more or less the same thing too. So I wonder whether a lot of people who are 'adulting' right now have hit a wall.

I don't know whether the key is, like you say, to find a hobby. Something you're interested in that you don't have to worry about anything or anyone else and just do something for yourself. It's hard to make that call though. We're all gone from family so long during the day due to work that to take extra time away feels a bit wrong or selfish, but maybe it's worth trying?

Whatever has happened to you, being a dick doesn't give anyone an edge. That's underestimating the intelligence of others to be able to spot it. Which even the nicest people can, a mile off and the only thing you'll do is isolate yourself more. Unless of course that's what you want?

throw_away2025

Well what i do know is this hasn't been something that's come over me in recent years ive been like this since i was very young. It has just obviously adapted to different parts of my life as I've gotten older which has obviously effected many different things and in cases people.

See my problem is that this isn't something I can lock up and hide away it effects every part of my life. Most of my week is spent in work and most of it i enjoy but sometimes i just love working by myself or around people in small doses. I love spending time with my family but even some of them can be too much at times. I have tried explaining this to people in different ways but most people don't understand.

Unfortunately I can be going about my day and the smallest thing will set me off then my mind set will change massively. Sometimes its big sometimes its small and I move on but its always there like a cloud over my head.

The more time I have to spend around the general public or people I don't like the worse my life feels. The very small amount of time I get to hide away from the world and spend it with people I care about is the only time I feel relaxed and even then I still can find myself trying to keep my **** inside and be a normal person!

Hannibal_Smith

Ah ok, that's a bit different alright. Maybe it's more about managing the mindset that sets you off then? For those occasions where you are happily going about your day and something changes your thinking. Is there a healthy way you can manage those thoughts and stop them taking over? If you can't do it yourself I think that's where CBT comes in...to help you manage those thoughts that cause a flip in your mind.

throw_away2025

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123724081#Comment_123724081

All that has worked for me in some part is by limiting what I do and where I go. I don't go drinking with mates as much and try and avoid gigs. I need to talk to them about it though because I don't think they fully understand why I limit myself so much in the last year or so. I think more would of been made of it if we weren't all so busy with life these days.

When I am on public transport I try and listen to music and drown out what's going on around me. Obviously I cant block out everything but it helps at times. Ultimately I don't have any control over how my mind takes on things i can only ignore and hide away from so much. Something small or trivial to one person could seriously piss me off and make me either annoyed or I could possibly say something to someone.

I am not a small guy I'm 6ft4 and about 18 stone and shave my head I stand out I'm not an easy person to hide so I always feel like people are watching me or judging me. I have been getting comments since I was a teenager about why I look so serious or whatever but yeah I cant control that!? I could be feeling okay normal whatever and I still look off on the outside.

Its not easy feeling so negative all the time and hating so much about life it seriously weighs you down and makes life very hard and I've always felt like no one understands this. People say try this try that but I cant change who I am if I could I wouldn't have this problem haha.

Hannibal_Smith

But I think it is possible to change, if we have the right tools to do it. It's not about changing who you are, it's about building the tools to stop one thing from changing your whole mindset. It would be something if your procedure so far was working for you and making you happy, but it's not. If you've built up this part of you to protect yourself from people mugging you off, it's really difficult to let it go. But look into CBT, if you haven't tried it already.

throw_away2025

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123724205#Comment_123724205

Cheers thanks for the help :-)

ElizaBennett

Reading your descriptions of how you feel when out in the world, on public transport and in work etc and even with friends reminds me very much of my son in his 20s who's autistic. He was only diagnosed at about 21 years of age. He always has a face like thunder and the truth is that inside he's suffering with depression and anxiety so badly that it's all he can do to try control his feelings when in public. He had to leave a job because he struggled to deal with working at a counter with the public so much. He told me he felt that at least 90% of people deserved - well, bad stuff… That was at a particularly bad time for him. If you are on the spectrum you'll unfortunately find that depression and anxiety are the rule and not the exception. To me you sound like you have fairly deep and consistent depression over many years. A lot of this is caused by having to fit in and also resenting the fact that you feel forced to. I mean I joke all the time about hating people and not wanting to be around the great unwashed and so on - but i'm capable of being perfectly calm on a crowded train or if a baby is screaming on a plane etc. I can rise above it and let it go. People like my son really really struggle though - sounds like you do too. Unfortunately it's expensive to get a diagnosis. If you can't afford to do that I'd read as much as you can about ASD and maybe consider whether this is what you're dealing with. If nothing else, it will help you to understand yourself better and why you react how you do. It'll also help those around you if they're open to this idea. For whatever reason, you struggle more than most to go through the regular motions and it would be helpful to understand why that is. You're possibly neurodiverse with mental health difficulties because of being misunderstood and trying to fit the mould of most people.

throw_away2025

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123725337#Comment_123725337

Thanks for the detailed reply. I dunno I really dunno. I can live a normal life I can do the day to day things I can put up with an awful lot but I think I function better around people who understand me. I wouldn't class myself as a vulnerable person I'm strong minded tough takes an awful lot to break me or faze me. I have seen and done a lot in my life to be honest I know how I feel isn't normal but I see other people as the problem a lot of the time. I don't go out of my way to interfere with anyone I live my life I work hard I look after my family I relie on nobody. My problems are that I can't filter the world the same as other people I see bullshit and faults for what they are. I don't accept **** when things can be better.

Im a good person to people that are good to me. Other people well like you mentioned about your son if people knew how I really really felt about the world who knows what they would think. My wife is one the few people who hears me and takes me for who I am. We have a great relationship and rarely argue if we do it's mostly because of family situations. I'm nothing near perfect but I provide and I look after people close to me nobody has to worry about me and if they do that's there problem.