I want kids but am too scared to have any in case they are high needs and I end up resenting them

fencesitter

I'm 26, always assumed I'd have kids in my early 30s. As 30 get closer, I'm scared. I have a cousin diagnosed with "mild" autism and both my mom and I suspect my adult brother also has it, albeit very mild. My partner has one uncle and one brother with it (again, all very mild cases). No other family history on either sides, everyone else appears neurotypical. Each of these neurodivergent people mentioned were born when parents were 35+ and were last child- it seems to be a trend. I know I would happily take on a child if they were more severe than any I mentioned here. However, my fear is that having ASD relatives on both sides (even though mild for each), will be enough to multiple the severity. I like my life. I love my partner. I don't want to risk giving up my life to be a full time carer. I don't want to be in my 70s caring 24/7 for a middle aged child. I don't want to give up my life in my 30s when I have the choice not to. More importantly, it would be very cruel for the child, what quality of life would they have really? I'm also scared of having an aggressive kid. My college ex had a younger brother who was 6ft2 and violent. He would hurt his family. Never harmed me, but would scream obscenities at me, I was really scared of him and would lock myself in my ex's bedroom if his parents were out and ex had to run to grab something from shop. He's in college now but still very scary. I couldn't deal with that.

My partner wants kids and doesn't seem scared like I do. He told me the odds of having a kid with ASD are low anyway, given most of family are neurotypical on both sides, and even if they are, they are more likely to be mild or moderate and manageable like our relatives. He doesn't think it's reason enough to not have kids if I want them. But when I picture kids, I just picture normal struggle, like a difficult 3/4 years where I have no life outside of being a parent, but life starts getting easier once they are 5/6 and I can start taking them to the beach or on holidays to Spain or whatever. I don't picture quitting my job, my relationship falling apart, never getting to leave the house again. My partner is almost certain he wants them anyway but has said he won't leave me as he thinks it's possible I'll change my mind in the next 5 years. He doesn't see the point in giving up 5 years of happiness on the 5% chance I stay firmly against having kids AND he decides kids mean enough to give me up and start over. I have depression (comes and goes thankfully, not a constant) and an anxiety disorder and it's all very possible I'm just spiraling as of late. Any advice?

89897

Firstly its perfectly fine to not want kids for any reason, in the same breath its perfectly fine to want kids but this is where you two need to make a decision. Waiting 5 years to potentienally change each others minds is what will case resentment and hurt. You both need to discuss this and make a decision on if the relationship is compatable or not.

You can have children with additional needs at any time and in any situation, if you circumstances are particular then thats something only a medical professional can advise on.

Personally id feel that havings kids, resenting them and your partner is much much worse than having the discussion and making a difficult choice now. You are still young and have alot ahead of you.

MarkR

I've a child with additional needs. I'll get that out there first. Can be hard, but I don't regret it.

You worry about additional needs from something they're born with. Not to scare you, but life doesn't always work out the way you want it, and there are no guarantees. Your partner could slip in the shower tomorrow and break their neck. Your future child could be a sports star and top of their class, but wind up in prison. If you worry about the ifs, you won't be able to actually do anything.

Idle Passerby

It's completely understandable to worry about these massive what ifs but by the same token, they are what ifs. There's no right answer because you can't know how any of this will pan out before it happens.

You could have a perfectly healthy child who grows up normally only suffers a life changing injury in their 20s, meaning you become their carer at that stage.

No one knows what will happen in any eventuality. You can only make decisions based on what you do know now. Everything in life is a gamble to some degree.

charlessmith22

You've paragraphs of fairly statistically improbable worries about your future child and then one or two sentences at the end about something that would impact and harm them far more. Mild autism would be far preferable than being irrationally petrified of the world.

OP nobody would get out of bed in the morning if they catastrophised every possible worst outcome in life. Its no way to live and you really need to get a handle on your anxiety as it does seem like you are spiralling.

Also neither you or your mam are qualified to diagnose your brother. Everyones an amatuer psychologist these days and obsessed with these often reductive diagnosis. You seem to have gone down this rabbit hole yourself.

LastApacheInjun

Hmmm. I have a different outlook to the ones above.

Firstly, I should say that I have a child who is autistic. I had him when I was over 35 and he was my third child. I have two cousins who are autistic and like you, I strongly suspect my older brother of being autistic. My husband's father is also very likely to be autistic, so too his cousin. Yes, you need a psychologist to make a diagnosis but when you have a strong understanding of the sensory and communication differences in an autistic person, it makes it easier to spot in people that you know very well.

I very much wanted children. I understood that there was a chance, just like anyone else, that my child would be born with additional needs, and I felt I could cope with that. However, before I had children I would have only known about one cousin (the second one kept his diagnosis private), who has high support needs. I didn't know enough about autism to be able to spot it in other relatives. I also have ADHD, which on its own increases the chances of having an autistic child by 50%. I didn't know I had ADHD, or that statistic, before having children.

If I had known all of this, would I have chosen to have children? On balance, I would. I would have taken the chance (in fairness, ADHDers are not great at objectively assessing risk, we are led by our emotions). Would I have stopped after one, or two? Especially since I was over 40 when I had my third and in hindsight, I was really running a risk. Very very difficult to know. I don't think I would have had a third if I had known all the facts and the risk.

That said, I don't regret having my third despite the challenges and the risk he will hamper my freedom in my later years (not to mention hampering the freedom of his siblings when I am gone). But that's only because I was 100% sure I wanted kids, and was 99% sure I could cope if the child had additional needs. And I can cope. And I don't really mind the missing out on the freedom to say, travel in my retirement. I've accepted it.

I think we all need to be a bit more objective when we are deciding to have children. If you're not 100% sure you want children, don't have them. It's a tough job even with a "normal" child and there are so many other ways you can make the planet a better place. Given both your family histories, the chances of you having a child with autism is higher than the general population. One in 20 children are now being diagnosed with autism, and I expect the vast majority of them have a family history of neurodiversity. If this isn't something you feel you could cope with, I wouldn't do it.

You need to have a really honest talk with your partner. Go to a counsellor if needs be. He shouldn't be wasting his time with you if he definitely wants children and you don't want to be stringing him along if this really is a red line for you. If he stays, he stays with no resentment.

Jonathan2712

I have one child with Down Syndrome and another with Autism. Is life today what I had pictured it would be before having children? No. Would I change a single thing about them? Also, no. Life won't always pan out how you want it to, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. You talked above about what quality of life will you have, ad what quality of life will the child have (if they have extra needs)I can tell you from my experience that my life is better for having such a diverse family, and they are both very happy children the vast majority of the time. I also have a neurotypical child and she adores her brother and sister, she equally wouldn't change a thing about them.

There is no point in worrying about something that a) in all likelihood wont happen, and b) if it does happen, really isn't anywhere near as bad as you seem to think it is.

Colonel Panic

I'm autistic and I suspect my 4 year old, who is high energy and has sensory issues, could be neurodivergent.

While overall getting along great, it can be exhausting, but I think that's kids in general from what I've spoken about with other parents.

Honestly, my own neurodiversity makes it quite tough, but the guy's awesome fun. We're doing our best to help him and get supports when/if needed. It's all you can do.

You can never tell how they end up. Even the most neurotypical child could end up as an adult who refuses to do anything with their life. And the worst part is, while you can have an influence on your child and how they end up, you can still do everything right and end up in that situation.

I'm an incredibly risk-averse person and I still thought it was a good idea.

ElizaBennett

I just want to speak a bit about the 'mild' autism label and what it actually means. It's what used to be called Asperger's and I think it's so common these days and there are TV comedies with these characters and people probably underestimate how difficult life can be for these people. In my case my son's childhood was relatively easy with a few bumps in the road but he's had massive challenges as an adult and is actually on Disability Benefit. He's 28 years of age and the only paid employment he's every had was 6 months' work I managed to get him through my own workplace, which was highly orchestrated and supported. He looks like a 'normal' person from the outside but struggles with the most basic things like sleep, time-keeping, being organised, interacting with people he doesn't know and, by far worst of all, depression and anxiety, which he's been self medicating for years now (because no doctor will prescribe tranquilisers long term and they're the only thing that allow him to live at all - as in leave the house.) He was only diagnosed as an adult and this is certainly a mild form of autism but I regard him as quite disabled (as does the state obviously as he's entitled to free travel and DA) and he's living with me and possibly always will. So i'm just weighing in on the side of you being allowed to accept that even a kid with mild autism 'may' always be your responsibility - well into adulthood and beyond. I still have hope for his future but he's heading for 30 and things are very difficult for him. I love him very much, it's not about that. I just didn't know when he was a baby or even a teenager that things would be this hard. So you're right in one way to consider these realities - though I don't think it's right that you should feel very anxious about the decision to have children. Ideally you'd decide one way or the other and stick to your decision and just live your life. All the best.

Eoinbmw

Ive an 18 yr old profoundly disabled son he was born with a very rare condition Lissencephaly, he is a twin his sister is "Normal".

It was a complete surprise to us at birth no prior signs of any problems during the pregnancy.

No Family history etc etc.

Life is certainly challenging for him and us but it is what it is!

I do some evenings wonder what if he was born differently how he might have developed and what he might have been able to achieve!

Time is the biggest problem in our lives right now finding the time if you will.

Normal family activities are not possible planning is sometimes overbearing.

But still he is a person he has a fantastic personality when you tap into him.

there are no guarantees in life for anyone .

If you really truly want children just go ahead its a journey no matter who lands on you lap.

I can tell you my 15 yr old "normal" daughter is far more of a handfull and delivers far more stress to us lol!

wildwillow

You can never tell the future. My story doesn't deal with children with extra need but shows how you can never plan.

My husband and I were so happy with two children. Then, when my eldest was four he was diagnosed with cancer with no real warning signals. He suffered two years of treatments till we called a halt as the prognosis was hopeless. He died peacefully at home.

Would I change things? Yes, but only to save him from the pain and suffering. I would not have contemplated having children if I had known his future and I could prevent that. I was still under thirty so could easily have had another child but just couldn't risk seeing another child suffer. It was an irrational decision but the only one I could cope with.

The positives are that we have great memories of our beloved son and he is still part of our family and remembered daily. We are lucky to still have a wonderful son who we raised to be independent, but he is also such a nice person and so caring. He has a beautiful wife and they have given us three wonderful grandchildren who all know about their uncle's story.

But once you have experienced that the worst can happen, as in a child dying, your confidence in the future is challenged. Having a child with disabilities is always a risk, but so is the possibility of life changing accidents or illnesses. You have to be prepared to accept that risk when you decide to have children. If you have doubts it is better to decide against having a child.

You are still very young by today's standards so have time to think. You need to come to terms with your anxiety. But you must agree as a couple and if you are definite that you don't want children, then you need to allow your partner to choose his own future, and it may be without you.